last night i got nice and sleepy around 10 o'clock. but i couldn't sleep. my breasts still a bit engorged, i opted for a warm shower (thanks grandma nemec!) and that helped me feel relaxed, even if i didn't express much milk. i laid down to sleep but couldn't sleep. soon sam couldn't sleep either so it seemed it was feeding time. my routine was becoming to feed on the couch, but i had turned it into quite a production -- warm compress to soften the nipple and get milk flowing, i had found that having my handpump handy was useful to get the nipple prepped and easier to latch (because the engorgement was making it hard for sam to get a good latch), and some ice cubes nearby to keep cool (the weather is so hot and humid and when i'm covered up in pillows trying to feed a warm little body i get really really hot!) anyway, what i'm trying to say is it was a ridiculous and overwhelmingly elaborate setup for feedings that happen every 2-3 hours!! so it was midnight and sam was hungry and i couldn't sleep so i decided what the heck, let's try the lying down feeding thing again (previously this had been a disaster -- didn't latch well, hurt a lot). so i laid down and placed the little guy next to me, presented the breast and then all of a sudden, this feeding thing WORKED!! i didn't have all the silly accouterments and i fed WITHOUT pain!!! and i was comfortable! we can do this!! and what's even better, my breasts were adjusting to the level of feeding -- firm breast became soft after feeding, no more engorgement! so that is how we have done feedings since and it has really really worked. i seem to have more pain/tenderness with the right side than the left; not sure i've figured out whether it's just because the right one had been hurt early on and is still healing, or if the shape is different, or what. anyway, sam and i are on the road to proper breastfeeding and it's only day 5, so i think that's not so bad.
yet, despite the success with the feeding, i had real trouble sleeping. i have been dealing with this tickle/cough in my throat that makes it hard to breath easy and sleep, and coughing hurts my wounded nether regions, so i avoid it at all costs. i also have realized that anxiety is keeping me from sleeping. you see, since i should sleep when he sleeps, i feel i have these little windows of time in which i can sleep (the 2 hours or so between feedings). therefore, if i miss out on part of one of those windows i start to get stressed about the fact that i am not sleeping when i should be. it's like when you wake up shortly before your alarm is gonna go off and you are so disappointed that you aren't sleeping and you wonder if you have the time to fall asleep again before the alarm goes off. and as you worry it just keeps you from sleeping and so you figure you might as well just give up. i got probably four hours of sleep in one or two hour intervals and then decided i was up.
the lack of sleep combined with wacky postpartum emotions lead to some crying spells this morning. it took me a long time to acknowledge that my inability to sleep was most likely just the anxiety over not being able to sleep. as the day progressed i was able to accept that i will just sleep when i can sleep and that's ok. as thing balance out and i am able to relax i will find more sleep. worrying about not getting the sleep only gets in the way. somehow that thinking really does help me feel a little better.
but the seemingly random or spontaneous crying spells are not so fun. i think it seems worse because i feel so silly or embarrassed to be crying. seems the medical world thinks 2 weeks of postpartum depression are "normal" and if it exceeds that it's time to get some help.
my pain is also seemingly worse. i'm not sure if it is worse, or if i just expected to feel better by now. it's 5 days after the delivery. i know i had a 2nd degree internal tear, but that's about all i know. i know it took at least 45 minutes to stitch me up and stop the bleeding, but i don't know how many stitches i have and i don't know if they had to do additional cutting or anything like that. at first the area did not sting, but now it does. my bleeding seems totally normal, but everything is still really swollen. frustrated and concerned i called the nurse. she said to use more ice packs and/or sitz baths for the swelling and if there is no noticeable improvement by thursday to call her back. i also had aaron go ahead and get my prescription pain meds (darvocet). before i left the hospital i had already transitioned to tylenol, but it just seems the tylenol isn't doing it. once i took the darvocet, things felt a lot better. i have been doing some research and i guess i'm probably healing at a normal rate, i just sort of thought i would feel better faster. and i'm tired of being swollen and in pain. i probably have a couple of weeks of this i guess. let us all take a quiet moment to appreciate what our moms went through to bring us here.
so today's theme has been pain and discomfort, and it seems i'm getting through it. the nursing continues to go really really well, and the strong drugs are helping me get through the pain (they also make me drowsy which might help me get more sleep). i think the darvocet has an opiate in it though so that freaks me out since i'm nursing. but i guess the doctors think it's ok...
on a side note, sam is keeping up so well with his feeding. he seems to be deciding that a feeding every two hours is the way to go, and he seems to be getting what he needs. since midnight (and it's now 10 pm) he has filled: 7 poo diapers and 6 wet diapers. according to some info from the hospital, after day four he should have at least 6 wet diapers and 3 yellow bowel movements every 24 hours. you go sam!!
2 comments:
I seem to remember my stitches, episiotomy?, hurt more when they began to tighten and heal. Maybe yours are reacting like that? Ice did help. Glad to hear the nursing is getting easier. Two hrs will eventually go to 3, then 4. Now it probably seems like you just get done and it's time to start again! I'm so proud of you and Aaron! You're great parents!
Hi Liz. Sounds like things are going well, despite all the things that get in the way of you having your old life back! You're doing great.
I, too, went for the lying down feeding position a lot with both Alice and Charlie. I loved it. I needed my rest! And, I loved having them near to me while lying down.
I really needed sleep. I have always needed much sleep, all my life. My brother and sister always remember me sleeping. It's a fact. So, after both kids were born and I was so sleep deprived, I had severe post-partum depression. I say "severe" because it just did not go away. The sleep disturbance and the hormone fluctuations, etc. were just too much for me. I started anti-depressants 5 months after breastfeeding Charlie w/out them (I did not want to take them while breastfeeding). This was as long as I could go. I was back to work part-time, raising a first baby, and I had to get some relief.
With Alice, I had post-partum so bad that I could only breastfeed for one month. This was heartbreaking for me. But, I had to weigh the alternatives...I simply could not handle the stress of taking care of an infant and a 4 year old, the house, animals, etc. etc.
So, I started anti-depressant medication after 1 month. Believe it or not, the 1 month goal was so hard to get to. I was crying all the time. But, I had to get one month in to get the benefits of the breast milk into Alice. I believe I did the right thing.
My point in telling you all this it not to say that the post-partem will not ease off. It may very well be a 2-4 week thing. I hope it is.
Getting sleep is paramount to combating fatique and post-partum symptoms. I would suggest trying to catch any and all sleep that you can. I know that Aaron would take over for you so that you can get your rest. Try some simple meditation -- nothing complicated -- to relax.
Breath Mindfulness
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1. Close your eyes and pay attention to your breath. You might want to add words to your inhale and exhale.
--Slow Inhale. "I feel peace"
--Slow Exhale. "I am peaceful."
(Only suggestions...pick your own simple "mantras."
2. Practice for 1-2 minutes at first. Then, try to increase time.
You and Aaron are such good parents -- I can tell already by your enthusiasm and your attention to doing the right thing. But don't worry too much. I think it's great that you are expressing your ins and outs here on this blog.
Have faith that everyone knows how great you guys are. You will find that you, as parents, will do the very best you can do. Leave the rest to the "greater power." He/She/It is watching over you.
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