on the flipside

so thanks again for the emails and comments, but i'm afraid i freaked some of you out maybe? don't worry, i'm not losing it. there are just a lot of emotions and questions that go along with becoming a mother and i'm not sure any are more valid than any others. the bad feelings come and go right along with the good ones. i guess i just realize that i feel way better to just write out the feelings no matter what they are, and i guess i'm not too afraid of expressing them. so in other words, i'll tell you when i'm on the edge. ha ha. or at least i think i will!

i'm coming to terms with the "bad" feelings. my cousin put it best, maybe, when she told me: "Remember that Sam is learning to be a total human being from you. That INCLUDES anger, sadness, frustration, depression. If we repress and hide our emotions from our children, what will they do with their own emotions that probably feel so huge to them?"

the past couple of days with sam have been good ones. i'm tired because i didn't sleep so well last night. maybe anxiety from the full house. aaron's brother and family have been visiting and i won't lie -- it's a lot for me to just have this extra energy around the house. everyone has been great about taking care of everything else so i can just focus on sam, so that helps, and i think having other stuff going on keeps me from wallowing too. and it's fun that sam finally gets to meet some other nemecs, including some cousins! but i did enjoy some quiet alone time today with sam while the nemecs went out for a while, and i got a good nap. that helps. and today i feel like my time with sam is special bonding time, like we are part of our own private club, instead of feeling like we are locked together, each other's ball and chain.

anyway, curious thing is sam seems to behave better when others are around. i think maybe he gets bored or antsy when it's just him and me alone? or maybe the house is just too quiet and i need to make more noise when it's just us. but our routines are getting clearer. we're not exactly on a schedule, but he is eating about every 2-3 hours, filling diapers, and we're even starting to get the burping thing down. back at the breast, we're getting our latch down, and honestly i think my nipples are just toughening up. because i know his latch is still shallow sometimes, and he clamps down sometimes, but it doesn't really hurt. so this is great. breastfeeding does not seem like so much of a challenge, though we are not yet pros and i am not ready to attempt anything like public nursing yet, which keeps me a little house-bound.

and a note to grandpa: sam loves the rocking chair! the very chair that my mom and dad rocked me in when i was sam's age.

Samuel, Uncle Mike, and cousin Diego

Diego showing off his cool new Noah's Ark monkeys. (cousin Grace with Sam in the background)

Cousin Charles with yawning (not crying) Sam.

an awesome dad

hey all. thanks for your emails and comments! i will likely have more self-reflecting (and perhaps self-centered or even self-indulging) wallowing to share with you in the very near future (i really am surprised how much it makes me feel better to just get the thoughts out of my head!!). but real quickly i wanted to publicly acknowledge (props, if you will) to my terrific husband and amazing father.

my previous post was a bit centered on my confusion as a new mom and probably made it sound like i was all alone in this. well, to be honest, i think the self will always feel alone with big stuff like this, but the truth is, i would be far more lost if it weren't for my husband's support. he is always putting us first and eager and willing to take on baby duty to help me get sleep or anything else i might need.

ok, gotta sign off. we have lotsa company for the next couple of days -- aaron's bro and family (three kids, ages 4-12!) are here visiting. will post more when i can.

my new job

so i'll go ahead and admit it, i'm feeling a little down. i dunno if this is post-partum depression/baby blues, being tired, or what. i'm ok. it's not too bad, and sam and i have even had a good day today, i just don't feel so well.

right now i think i'm just trying to go through a time of figuring out who i am now. it's not that having a baby makes you a different person, but you obviously take on a different role. and when you decide to become a parent, you know it's going to be tough, but it's not like you can really anticipate how it will feel and what it will really be like. and i guess from my vantage point of only 2 1/2 weeks in, i still don't know what it is really like. but i do have feelings now, so that's all i have to go on, and that's what i'll ramble on about for a while...

from this point in time i feel like i'm trying to understand who i am as a mother, in a very physical way as well as a conceptual one. i anticipated the idea of being tired, and i anticipated feeling emotional attachment to my son that would keep me from doing some of the things i used to enjoy doing. but i don't think there was any REAL way for me to anticipate what it would be like to take on this new job 24-hours a day. and yes, for me right now, it is important to see this as a job. this is the hardest work i have ever taken on, and there really is no end to it. i grew up thinking that men and women were equal and all jobs could be shared but right now i'm starting to see the profound difference that motherhood reveals between the sexes. i don't know if it's just that i'm breastfeeding, but i am tied to this child in a physical way that my husband cannot be. and it seems he feels there is some understanding i have of our son's needs that he somehow cannot have, even though this could not be further from the truth. i feel as lost and confused about what he needs as anyone possibly could. but i do see that i am physically bound to him because i alone can provide him food, and therefore i alone can provide him that comfort. i can leave the house and have alone time, but only if i watch the clock and hurry back. even then, it's risky because you never know if the little one will need a snack or an early meal. and even now i feel self-conscious revealing that i might WANT to get away and have some alone time, that i might not want to be attached to him around the clock. does that make me a bad mother? it hasn't even been three weeks, after all. it probably isn't "natural" for a mother to be separated from her child at this point.

i find i'm constantly battling with this idea of "natural". the "natural" child birth. the "natural" feeding methods. the "natural" role of being a mother. it is true that our culture has redefined women in so many ways that motherhood is often taken out of the equation, or maybe a realistic concept of what a mom is is not very clear.

i have always thought to be independent was the ultimate goal, not that i have necessarily lived that way. self-sufficient with your own goals in mind -- basically, you have to look out for yourself because no one else will. i do not think this has made me a selfish or even self-involved person, but i do acknowledge that i tend to see things this way. so here i have entered into the most co-dependent of relationships. yes, my son depends on me, but in order for this to work, i must depend on him. so much more than a marriage, this co-dependency is not an agreement, but an obligation.

it is hard to want something so bad, but not know the tangible ways of getting there. i want so much to be a good mom. but what is it to be a good mom? how do i become one?

well these thoughts aren't connected, but that's what you get with little sleep and no time to re-read and make things coherent, heh heh. the little one is stirring so i must tend to him.

at least right now looking at this new role as my job i think i can put my head into an objective place of mind and not lose it whenever he cries. i am just still in the training part of this job, and i will continue to feel a little awkward for a while still. at least it will be the most rewarding job i have ever had.

little victories (thank you moby wrap!)

Thanks for all of your supportive comments! I gotta say I really was hitting the wall again this morning. After my sad post from yesterday, Esteban & Stephanie stopped by for a visit (and to bring us some yummy fresh veggies from Stephanie's garden -- THANKS Stephanie!!) and the little one behaved like a complete doll. After they left, Mr. Fussy came back to visit. Aaron stayed up with him to comfort him until he got to sleep and I was actually able to get 4 hours of consecutive sleep -- thanks husband! Yet still when I got up around 8 in the morning, Mr. Fussy was back. I really was getting frustrated. By lunch time I was crying with him and we were struggling to communicate. Finally after feeding, I laid down with him and we both took a nice long nap. I awoke refreshed. When he cried I still got frustrated, but I didn't feel like it was the end of the world. Then, after the next feeding, I pulled out the Moby wrap for our second trial run. I think this thing might work!! He can stay close and comforted and I am actually typing with two hands.

We'll figure out how to get things done, one step at a time.

moo.

today has been a hard newborn day. his awake time has been crying time, not the super-cute quiet alert time. i feel like all i do is feed him. when i try to cradle him in my arms and sing him lullabies he just turns with mouth agape to my nearest breast. sigh. am i just a feeding machine? doesn't he see my other maternal merits?

today i am full of fear and self doubt. am i selfless enough for this motherhood stuff? i have also had a chance to see my temper flare at the helpless newborn cry and that scares me. it's not really that i think i would DO anything in response to this anger, but the very fact that i felt it disappoints and scares me.

we will make it through this. but this parenthood stuff is hard.

Holy Belly Button, Batman!

Guess who lost his umbilical cord stump? That's right! Our Sam! And his belly button is just as cute as every other bit of him. I was feeding him, had him against my chest to burp him, put him down on the bed and then I saw this brown crusty thing on the bed. I thought it was a beetle! Picked it up and realized it was his umbilical cord!

Not much other news to report today. Well Aaron did get stung by a wasp, so that sucks! And he did make me a yummy brunch of spinach cream cheese omelet, fruit, and hash browns. Yumm.

Breastfeeding continues on. Since my last post I have been patient for a great big wide-open mouth in order to get a good latch and it makes ALL the difference in the world. I have been feebly watching the clock to try to get Sam to a little bit more of a schedule, but part of me feels it's a little silly. I mean, when my son needs to eat I'm not going to deny him. We'll see how it goes. He has gone 3 hours between feedings today, except he just had a little snack an hour after his last feeding. We are gonna go ahead and get the breastpump soon and I'll experiment with that. I feel confidently that even with all the breastfeeding struggles, the bottles will bring along their own set of hassles. But I know Aaron would like to participate in the feeding and I know I have to move to bottles eventually, though it might not be for a few months or more. Anyway it's such a weird topic because it seems people feel SO strongly about issues of breastfeeding. I feel like a bad mom if I want to do something other than breastfeed my child (at the breast) whenever he wants for as long as he wants. Hmmm. But then the nurse practitioner can make me feel foolish for not trying to get him to a schedule! Augh. I gotta stop paying attention to everyone's thoughts and just see what works for us. Easier said than done. And I still want to hear your thoughts so go ahead and comment your opinions on breastfeeding :)

Oh! And I'm healing really well! I even had the energy and stamina to clean the bathroom, sweep, do the dishes, and laundry!! I really think I'm on the mend!

Here are some more super cute pictures of our beautiful little boy!

We must be doing something right!!

Our little one had his two-week doctor's appointment today. We met with our doc's nurse practitioner. Sam did great, though he did pee during a diaper change (had to be naked for his weigh-in), but it's one of his tricks so he had to show off. Anyway, the big news is that the little one is not so little! He weighed in at 8 lbs 12 oz!! That's terrific! And very encouraging to this struggling breast feeding mama! His birth weight was 7 lbs 10 oz, and he left the hospital at 7 lbs 4 oz. They hope by two weeks for the baby to be at birth weight, so Sam is already starting his life of over-achieving! Way to go Sam!

Further info on the feeding front: We are doing pretty well, but we still have some trouble. At most feedings, I still have some soreness and discomfort. I thought I had passed it, but clearly not quite yet. I also noticed that once he comes off the breast, the tips of my nipples are a little pale. A little research and I found out this is common and is called "blanching". Most likely this is caused by a shallow latch, so I'm guessing this is the case. But sometimes it's just plain hard to get him positioned right!! And when it seems like he's got it and it's working, I just leave it, even if there is a little pain. I gotta make myself unlatch him anytime i feel pain. We'll get it right. I did notice, though, that sometimes this is caused by the little one clamping down because the milk is coming too fast (again, overactive let down). I do notice him clamp down sometimes, but mostly I think his coughing is from awkward positioning, and I think the pain is from shallow latch. We'll keep trying. At least I know he's getting what he needs!!

Other news is that the nurse practitioner suggests I switch to feeding him on a schedule instead of feeding on demand. I don't know, but it sort of makes sense. She suggested treating it like he was my third baby and not my first. That by the third you are having to force him into a feeding schedule just because you are running after other kids and all that stuff. She said the families she sees do that still have very satisfied children and are able to manage their time much better, and get to sleeping through the night. I don't know, most of what I read said to feed on demand, but I did notice he got fussier once I agree to feed him every hour and a half if he hinted that that's what he wanted. She of course said to feed him if he is demanding it, but if he's just hinting at it, try to hold him off a little at a time to start to space off the feedings. She also said that waiting between feedings gives the breast a chance to produce hindmilk so the baby will get more of the hindmilk this way. I'm not sure if it's true, but I am going to try to keep to more of a schedule. I think it will work ok. We'll see.

Pics of the big boy:

two weeks!

Sam is two weeks old today!

Today was Aaron's first day back at work. Sam and I had an ok day, but he has been fussier today than normal. Hasn't gotten nearly as much sleep during the day and it seems whenever i put him down in his pack 'n' play or crib, he wakes up, but he's fine sleeping in my arms. Sigh. I very much enjoy being the comfortable spot for my little one, but I find it necessary to be able to put him down every once in a while. Hopefully this won't be the new way of things.

On the breastfeeding front, things are going well. My nipples still feel occasionally tender, and sometimes I think I put up with a not-so-good latch just because I am too anxious to get a workable latch in the first place. This is a problem I experience for middle of the night feedings. Last night was the first night that I still felt really sleepy during the mid-night feedings. Usually I wake right up and am all alert and aware. Last night I feel fuzzy about how long he fed and exactly when he fed. I suppose in some ways that's good, meaning I'm relaxing and getting my sleep, but it makes me feel a little uneasy. Today he fed frequently for short intervals -- 10 minutes every 1 1/2 hours or so it seems. And then, as I mentioned, he would sleep fine on my chest or in my arm and then wake up after a few minutes after I put him in a bed.

Aaron got home and I ran to the store, which took less than an hour, but I guess Sam was pretty fussy for the first half of that too. But he continues to eat well and fill diapers and hopefully lack of sleep today will mean more sleep tonight. We'll just have to see. It seems if he does these short feeds he gets up more frequently because he is hungry again. He just had a pretty good feed broken up by two diaper changes including a monster poo, so hopefully he'll be feeling good and ready to rest now. We'll see.

Also, he still will occasionally cough and appear to be choking on the milk every once in a while. I think it happens more in the side-lying position. Googling indicates that it might be overabundance of milk or overactive let-down. I thought this might indeed be the case because I had that trouble with engorgement, but today that really doesn't seem likely. It could just be that in some positions the milk gets caught in his throat. I dunno. I'll ask the pediatrician tomorrow at our 2-week appointment and if it continues to seem like an issue I'll call the lactation consultants. They have a 24-hour hotline even, so that's cool.

I guess that's it for now! I'll let you know how the doctor goes tomorrow.

Happy 2 week birthday Sam!

visitors

it's about 10:30 pm, which is, without conscious effort, becoming my bedtime. but i wanted to add a quick update about our day.

i am once again doing the single handed typing. pretty soon i should be picking up some speed at doing this! sam cried probably three times today. in the morning when aaron got up for work -- i'm guessing gas bubble. one time in the afternoon because he was hungry. and again this evening, i think first because he was working on a giant poo and then again because he was hungry once he got it out. the truth is, though, that those might not be the reasons at all. i still feel very unsure about this stuff.

we are continuing successfully w/breastfeeding, though sam has quite the blister on his upper lip! he does sometimes cough while nursing, and i did notice once that when i took him off the breast when he seemed unhappy that my milk did spray. not sure if this is an overactive milk ejection irritating him or not. i certainly am not convinced that this is the case. i think maybe it was a gas bubble. but he seems to always go back for more no matter what it seems like his face is telling me. friday we have our two-week doc appointment, so i will ask the pediatrician about these things. but breastfeeding no longer hurts, though sometimes my nipples still feel sore or tender afterwards, and sometimes he gets a funny latch that hurts. mostly though my current breast feeding concern is not my comfort, but his. every few feedings he acts like it is uncomfortable to feed, yet he wants to keep eating. it's confusing. again, i'll ask the doc about it on friday. my extensive googling has not found a conclusive answer, heh heh.

but other than that, today has been a good and quiet day! i continue to feel a little better, unless i spend too much time on my feet. haven't been able to do too many house chores, but i have been able to stay on top of the laundry, so i guess that's something.

the exciting news for the day was the company! our friend sara drove down from chicago to meet little sam!! it was the first time she held a baby! luckily sam was in a nice and easy mood and i think he was a good introduction to babyness. then our friend nate came by with some delicious dinner from him and his wife doreen. thanks guys! it was terrific!! and we should get a couple of meals out of it...yummmm. nate was fun to see with sam too, since he's an experienced papa with two daughters of his own. he handles the little baby with such ease and offered some tips on calming and burping our little guy, so thanks nate! and we even had one more visit from esteban! thanks so much for coming by you guys!!

tomorrow aaron starts working full days -- he's been doing half days this week. should be ok, though i'm a little worried. next week his brother mike & family will come for a visit. aaron will take those days off so that will help, and that should be a nice visit. sam will get to meet some of his cousins!

my latest worry has gone back to thinking about work. what if i start working full time. how will we manage care of our little sam? i really don't want to do daycare. if we have to, though, we should start looking for places NOW. but i don't really think we have to yet, so i don't want to start searching yet. sigh. i hope it all works out.

relaxed

ok, so i am typing one-handed as my baby sleeps on my chest. today my goal is to stay relaxed and not find weird baby stuff to get paranoid about. i'm only doing ok at meeting this goal. i have been concerned that i have an overabundant milk supply that causes sam to take in too much milk and cough and stop feeding. not sure if this is really the case but it seems possible. anyway, i have been changing feeding to do two consecutive feedings on one side and then switch to the other and i think that might be helping. it will probably regulate itself in a day or two, at least that's what i think i've read. we'll see.

the past few days sam is nice and quiet in the morning and we do a routine of sleep, feed, awake, and back again. in the afternoon he gets a little fussier and i can't always tell what he needs. the feeding on demand is confusing, but i guess he will just eat when he wants to eat. today he cried at the end of a feeding though, so that was distressing. don't know if it's because of the milk thing i talked about above, or a gas bubble, or maybe i just didn't notice earlier signs that he wanted to get up and do something else. with the feeding on demand it seems he is eating an awful lot, but i suppose that is also because he is awake more now, cries a bit more, and as a result i check to see if he wants to eat. i don't think he's ever refused the opportunity to eat. aaron and i are trying to decide if we want to go ahead and invest in the fancy breast pump now. i could start pumping and then aaron could feed too. i don't mind doing the feedings though, now that it doesn't hurt. but at least i would know if his problems were due to my breasts or not, and if we're gonna have to do the bottle thing anyway since i'll be going back to work, hopefully, then maybe we should just start now. i don't know...hmmm. well i guess i'll wait a little while longer.

today i am feeling much better, as though i am actually finally healing. I have some pain, but i also have more energy and the swelling is virtually non-existent.

more sam videos:

internet, my friend and foe

so today he has not been so easy. lots of crying with mom and dad trying to guess what's going on. diaper? food? bored? hot? cold? since his feeding and diapers have proved to be normal and healthy over the past number of days, i am easing up on my baby log and scheduled feedings and am sticking with feeding on demand, as all my reading seems to indicate this is the way to go. today he has desired feeding very very often, and sometimes just wants to nurse for comfort. he just can't seem to get comfy and sleepy today. he is 11 days old today, and i did read that babies go through a growth spurt around 10 days and they will demand more food. maybe that's simply what's going on. he sure does feel bigger already! other possibilities: we moved the air conditioner to the living room, so it's cooler throughout the house and he's happier sleeping swaddled in a blanket; i am running out of my prescription pain meds so i'm cutting back -- maybe they were drugging him up and keeping him a happy little sedated baby?? which leads me to my main topic for today...

so the internet has been my companion throughout this pregnancy, as you can tell from this blog. i have enjoyed sharing my experiences and worries at each stage of the game. and even more than that, i have enjoyed being able to have easy access to other women's experiences, birth stories, etc., so i can try to gauge whether what i'm going through or feeling is NORMAL. usually, throughout the pregnancy, it was a great comfort to find after a quick google search or two that whatever weird pregnancy thing turned up, i was, indeed, perfectly normal. however, now that the little one has entered the free world, i am no longer so worried about me. i worry about him. and what a whole new world of worry this is!! each day he changes. there is a new skin thing, a new facial expression, a new sound, a new movement. so now i spend even MORE time googling weird baby stuff. sometimes this can calm my nerves to read some list of normal baby behavior, but if i can't find specifically what i'm looking for, or if i somehow take a wrong turn, i can quickly spiral into more and more anxiety. makes me wonder if i'd be happier without my constant companion the internet.

current things i'm googling:

• still reading about burping. your comments have been extremely helpful but i still wonder if i'm doing it right...sigh. it will come.
• sam has started making the cutest little cooing noises when he nurses sometimes. i just wanted to read more on what that's about. no luck really.
• coughing. sometimes it sounds like sam is trying to clear his throat. i'm worried about the whole burping thing, so with the coughing i start to think maybe he's choking on milk or something like that.
  
• hiccups. ok, i've read over and over that hiccups are normal and don't bother the infant, but it seems like they bother him to me! and again, i can't help but think it's my fault because of excess air bubbles that i'm not burping out that cause the diaphragm to spasm.
  
• breathing patterns. sometimes sam does this panting sort of breathing and it freaks me out.
  
• darvocet. it is deemed safe for breastfeeding and is the pain medicine i was prescribed. it is a level 2 though, meaning it is ok according to the limited studies that have been done, or if there were complications they were "remote". i do currently wonder whether it passed through to my little guy and has made him extra sleepy. hmmm. so i've been trying to google about that.
  

anyway, there is probably a ton of other stuff, but i really can't help wondering if i would accept all the little funky baby things as normal and healthy if i didn't have this readily available source to help me question. hmmm.

comforting list i just found:
Some newborn behaviors that concern parents are not signs of illness. They are usually due to an immature nervous system and will disappear in 3 or 4 months. Some common reflexes and behaviors include:

• trembling chin
• quivering lower lip
• having hiccups
• passing gas (this is not a temporary behavior)
• making noises when sleeping (from breathing and moving). Also during light sleep, babies can normally whimper, cry, groan, or make other strange noises. If you use a nursery monitor don't over-react to these normal variations in sleep sounds.
• sneezing
• yawning
• spitting up or burping
• stiffening of the body after a noise or sudden movement (also called the startle reflex)
• straining with bowel movements
• clearing the throat (or gurgling sounds in the throat)
• breathing irregularly (This is normal if your baby is content, the rate is less than 60 breaths per minute, any pauses are less than 10 seconds long, and your baby isn't turning blue. Sometimes babies take rapid, progressively deeper breaths to completely expand their lungs.)
• trembling or jitteriness of arms and legs during crying is normal. Convulsions are rare. During convulsions babies also jerk, blink their eyes, rhythmically suck with their mouths, and don't cry. If your baby is trembling and not crying, it could be abnormal. Give her something to suck on. If the trembling doesn't stop when your baby is sucking, call your health care provider immediately.

Ah, welcome to parenthood...

sam yawns:

6 years/10 days

Hard to believe but today is our sixth wedding anniversary!! Six fantastic years, each year getting better than the next. Can't imagine how this year is going to be as we share our lives with our little guy.

And our Sam is now ten days old!





Not much news to report. Short sleep intervals last night, so no engorgement this morning. Nursing is going really really well. Sometimes he just feeds on one side, and sometimes on both. We are flying through diapers. His favorite trick is of course to fill his new diaper right after a diaper change, and of course peeing or pooping on the changing table. He's got a great sense of humor! This morning he's already had some nice awake bonding time with Aunt Sarah before she departs, and now it's nap time. He's such an easy and good little guy, started yawning so Sarah put him down and he's drifting off to sleep on his own. Sometimes I think this is too easy...I'm waiting to see what tricks he has for us up his cute little sleeves...

I'm still in pain, but definitely healing, so that is good. I will have to get some more pain pills I think. I'll call the doc tomorrow...

Anxiety? what shallow sleep says about my state of mind...

so as you know from my previous post, my mind was in a bit of a state of worry before i went to sleep. i had the most amazing mother anxiety dream that i wish to share with you all...

in the dream we are at the hospital where jim, his wife, and babies are (jim is aaron's friend from HS who just had premature twins last month and they are still in the nicu unit doing well!). aaron is off somewhere doing something i don't know, and i go to the nicu unit to see the babies. i get there and it's just jim & his wife and the unit is filled with dogs and cats and their babies in incubators. they don't notice me so finally i say hello and jim says hi and is acting a little weird and then says he's sorry he hasn't been in touch and that he was acting that way because he thought i was mad at him (mind you jim is aaron's friend so it would be really weird for me to have a reason to be mad at him). i asked him why i would be mad at him and he said because he didn't follow through on that "fund raising thing". i told him i didn't know what he was talking about and that i was certainly not mad at him. he said "oh great!" and gave me a big hug (i don't know that i've ever hugged jim). he then proceeded to tell me about his "research" which is what he was doing in the nicu unit with all of those animals. there was a black cat with crayon-colored blue, green, and orange stripes. i guess this was his project. i told him aaron was here with our new son sam but i didn't know where they'd run off to.

don't know how it transitioned, but the next part of the dream gets weirder. aaron and i were traveling to detroit to meet up with my aunt and uncle (i don't have an aunt and uncle who live in detroit) and my dad and brother are going there too. we get there, and the house is like this communal childcare place. there are women with children filling the place -- the babies all swaddled in receiving blankets. i had brought a pack of diapers and noticed someone else was using my diapers. i asked my aunt about it, she said if i wasn't comfortable with that then maybe this wasn't the place for me. i tried to explain that i hadn't come to join the commune, but that i was just here to visit with family! i wanted to leave. i talked to this one woman whose child had scrapes all down the front of him. she basically said it was out of her control and just too overwhelming. i tried to find sam. i kept thinking that one of the swaddled bundled was him, but upon closer inspection it wasn't. none of them were. i couldn't find my son. i went to find aaron who was in another room with my dad and brother and there was a tv on. aaron was sound asleep i tried to wake him but he wouldn't wake up. i shook him pretty hard and finally he awoke. he was all frazzled and upset that i woke him. i tried to explain how we had to leave but he said he was just too tired and way too tired to drive so i should have just let him sleep. i apologized but he was still being all weird and half-asleep. he started sucking on my earlobe and i said "hey, my dad is in the room!" and he unlatched and then started making these baby faces and latched onto my nose and started sucking away and i couldn't breathe.

i woke up.

today i have been taking it easy. the extra bleeding yesterday freaked me out so i'm spending the day in bed and on the couch. things seem to be healing but i still need to remain patient. we are having a nice visit with sarah, i hope she isn't too bored with my lack of mobility! but it's been great to have some real leisure time.

i do find that my lack of physical activity has the worry center of my brain running overdrive and i'm constantly trying to find something to worry about. currently: burping. i can't do it. it's awkward, seems uncomfortable for the little man, and sometimes is uncomfortable for my healing body. i have gotten a couple of burps, but not a lot, and i don't spend much time trying. should i spend more? how much time should i spend burping my baby between breasts and after feeding? breastfed babies don't get as much gas, so maybe he just doesn't have to burp? he has spit up a couple of times, but not a lot. hmmm...

more pics from this weekend:

On the road to recovery

So I woke up after a four-hour sleep session to my crying hungry baby. There is such a sense of urgency and panic when I wake to this. Especially since my baby log (where I note feedings, diaper changes, and my pill intake) didn't note my 1:00 am feeding so for a moment I thought the little guy had gone ALL night without food!! My breasts were engorged again, so I was sure the lack of feeding had caused them to swell up. How could I be so cruel!! Anyway I realized I just forgot to write the feeding down and that if my baby were hungry and deprived he would let me know, so I just had to worry about the engorgement. I took a warm shower and had a sort of long lazy morning in and out of sleep. We were feeding fairly successfully despite the engorgement, but things did hurt. Finally after a feeding I took a shower and expressed some milk and felt relief. By mid afternoon I was no longer engorged. Also, I had been alternating breasts during feedings by timing since that's what the nurses had me do with the colostrum to make sure my milk came in alright. This had been working ok, but resulted in a lot of unlatching and relatching and confused timing and wondering if I'd been even on both breasts, etc etc. I read that it's better to let him drain the first breast, then go to the second and then next feeding pick up with the second. This way he's sure to get more of the hindmilk. There are two kinds of milk: foremilk and hindmilk. The foremilk is watery and the hindmilk has the fatty good stuff. The way I was feeding him was giving him far more foremilk and maybe not enough hindmilk. So I am now trying to watch his cues for when to switch. Sure enough, he unlatches when he feels he's done, and if he wants more, he will relatch. This I think aided in the engorgement problem, and according to this info I just read, it makes a lot of sense too: http://www.breastfeed-essentials.com/toomuchmilk.html
I was worried because one time he just took one breast and that was it, but I guess that's completely normal. Sometimes you're hungrier than other times, after all. Plus it was probably one of the few times he got to have his fill of the heavier hindmilk. Anyway, hopefully my revised technique will keep me from further engorgement, even if I end up with uneven boobs.

My nipples are still sore at times, but I can identify I bad latch much quicker now and don't have to suffer quite as much. The chapped spots are healing nicely too. When I have a good latch there is a little pain at first but the rest of the feeding is indeed painless, there is just a feeling of tension, so I'm excited that the breast feeding thing is going well.

Sarah is still visiting and I hope the quiet time is not too dull for her. She has been a nice help around the house and is getting a chance to get comfy with her nephew. She even took me out of the house today!! We went to Target and I bought myself some new duds, as well as a big ol' box of diapers. (We intend to do cloth diapers but while we are getting accustomed to all this new stuff we are using disposable.) The whole time I anxiously bugged Sarah about the time to make sure we weren't late getting home. I wasn't that nervous about leaving Sam home with Aaron, but I wanted to be there as soon as they needed me. It felt good to get out -- like I wasn't sick or something -- even if I walk a little funny and feel a little uncomfortable.

When we got home we took a little walk in the yard -- the garden is insane. The pumpkin plants are really taking over the whole backyard! When I got back in I was feeling kind of funky. I fed the little one and then had a lot of bleeding. My lochia has lightened up a lot and hasn't been much, so this bleeding really freaked me out. I decided to lie down and sleep for a while. I think it isn't so heavy now, and I read that if the bleeding comes back like that, it could just mean I need more rest. Or it could be something serious. eek. But I'm guessing it was just the activity and I'll take it easy and watch the bleeding and just see. Hmmm.

Shortly after the blood scare Sam had some wicked gas with a liquid stool. Usually his poo doesn't smell at all since he's breastfed, so the rotten egg gas was a little disturbing. Soon my mind was traveling to bad places, thinking that something had opened or hemorrhaged and that something I was eating or how I was feeding was not giving Sam what he needed. After his next feeding though, Aaron found out that the smell might even just be from the iron supplement they have me on and isn't a big deal, and my bleeding waned, so I am getting myself to calm down. It's hard though once the concern finds a little place to camp out in your brain.

Anyway, it still seems I'm on the road to recovery, even if I hit a few bumps along the way. I will go to bed soon and spend more of the day off my feet tomorrow. I get restless, but I'd rather heal.

happy birthday sam!

i can't believe a week ago at this time they were just finishing stitching me up and i probably had my baby in my arms for the first time. now, one week later, i have just finished feeding my little guy and his dad is reading him a story during "active awake time".

...

post interrupted by aunt sarah's arrival! aunt sarah e. is here for the weekend (this little guy has two aunt sarahs!) so that should be nice. she is currently doing the dishes -- how nice! i screwed up the timing of my pain meds (took one and then later decided i needed a second but wanted to wait until both were "done" before taking the next dose) so i hurt quite a lot but finally was just able to take another dose. man, i sure wish this healing stuff was moving along a little faster. i am now pretty confident that i had some pretty serious stuff going on down there and my healing is just going to take a while. sigh. i might see if i can get checked out next week just to ease my mind.

anyway, i should end my post and hang out with the family on sam's birthday -- today he is one week old!!

he is perfect

so i know i've spent a lot of blog time on my various pains and difficulties. the truth is this blog has been a really useful way for me to vent some of my worries and concerns so that they don't take over. i will continue to whine and complain about this pain or that pain, but for now this post will just talk about some of the good stuff going on, because there's a whole lot of that too!!

part of me felt the day would never happen, that we would never meet our son. it has only been 6 days, so part of me still feels as though i'm in some surreal dream world that started once we got to the hospital. i still cannot comprehend the magical thing of birth, or even pregnancy for that matter. i just look at my son with complete awe and amazement. he is the most perfect thing i have ever seen. i am enamored with every little nook and cranny of his tiny little body -- his perfect little nail beds, his wrinkly feet, the super soft lanugo fuzz that still remains on his shoulders...i could go on and on. my life seems to have purpose when i can see that it is my touch and my voice that provides him comfort. and to hold him and touch his skin to mine provides me with all the comfort in the world.

so far sam is a very calm fellow. rarely have we seen a lot of crying that we cannot resolve without toooo much trouble. he feeds well, he sleeps well. his awake time makes him seem like the most alert and profound new life.

grandpa erlewine and aunt meg went back to michigan today, so the new family is taking some lazy leisure (and healing) time. it feels great. thanks go out to all of you for your supportive and congratulatory comments, food, gifts, and love. my head is pretty cloudy from being drugged up, but it makes the rest of me feel better and helps with the sleep. i got a lot of sleep last night and a nap this morning. will probably steal some more sleep this afternoon.

in short: life is good. check out our little sam in action, and see the pics below.

ouch.

last night i got nice and sleepy around 10 o'clock. but i couldn't sleep. my breasts still a bit engorged, i opted for a warm shower (thanks grandma nemec!) and that helped me feel relaxed, even if i didn't express much milk. i laid down to sleep but couldn't sleep. soon sam couldn't sleep either so it seemed it was feeding time. my routine was becoming to feed on the couch, but i had turned it into quite a production -- warm compress to soften the nipple and get milk flowing, i had found that having my handpump handy was useful to get the nipple prepped and easier to latch (because the engorgement was making it hard for sam to get a good latch), and some ice cubes nearby to keep cool (the weather is so hot and humid and when i'm covered up in pillows trying to feed a warm little body i get really really hot!) anyway, what i'm trying to say is it was a ridiculous and overwhelmingly elaborate setup for feedings that happen every 2-3 hours!! so it was midnight and sam was hungry and i couldn't sleep so i decided what the heck, let's try the lying down feeding thing again (previously this had been a disaster -- didn't latch well, hurt a lot). so i laid down and placed the little guy next to me, presented the breast and then all of a sudden, this feeding thing WORKED!! i didn't have all the silly accouterments and i fed WITHOUT pain!!! and i was comfortable! we can do this!! and what's even better, my breasts were adjusting to the level of feeding -- firm breast became soft after feeding, no more engorgement! so that is how we have done feedings since and it has really really worked. i seem to have more pain/tenderness with the right side than the left; not sure i've figured out whether it's just because the right one had been hurt early on and is still healing, or if the shape is different, or what. anyway, sam and i are on the road to proper breastfeeding and it's only day 5, so i think that's not so bad.

yet, despite the success with the feeding, i had real trouble sleeping. i have been dealing with this tickle/cough in my throat that makes it hard to breath easy and sleep, and coughing hurts my wounded nether regions, so i avoid it at all costs. i also have realized that anxiety is keeping me from sleeping. you see, since i should sleep when he sleeps, i feel i have these little windows of time in which i can sleep (the 2 hours or so between feedings). therefore, if i miss out on part of one of those windows i start to get stressed about the fact that i am not sleeping when i should be. it's like when you wake up shortly before your alarm is gonna go off and you are so disappointed that you aren't sleeping and you wonder if you have the time to fall asleep again before the alarm goes off. and as you worry it just keeps you from sleeping and so you figure you might as well just give up. i got probably four hours of sleep in one or two hour intervals and then decided i was up.

the lack of sleep combined with wacky postpartum emotions lead to some crying spells this morning. it took me a long time to acknowledge that my inability to sleep was most likely just the anxiety over not being able to sleep. as the day progressed i was able to accept that i will just sleep when i can sleep and that's ok. as thing balance out and i am able to relax i will find more sleep. worrying about not getting the sleep only gets in the way. somehow that thinking really does help me feel a little better.

but the seemingly random or spontaneous crying spells are not so fun. i think it seems worse because i feel so silly or embarrassed to be crying. seems the medical world thinks 2 weeks of postpartum depression are "normal" and if it exceeds that it's time to get some help.

my pain is also seemingly worse. i'm not sure if it is worse, or if i just expected to feel better by now. it's 5 days after the delivery. i know i had a 2nd degree internal tear, but that's about all i know. i know it took at least 45 minutes to stitch me up and stop the bleeding, but i don't know how many stitches i have and i don't know if they had to do additional cutting or anything like that. at first the area did not sting, but now it does. my bleeding seems totally normal, but everything is still really swollen. frustrated and concerned i called the nurse. she said to use more ice packs and/or sitz baths for the swelling and if there is no noticeable improvement by thursday to call her back. i also had aaron go ahead and get my prescription pain meds (darvocet). before i left the hospital i had already transitioned to tylenol, but it just seems the tylenol isn't doing it. once i took the darvocet, things felt a lot better. i have been doing some research and i guess i'm probably healing at a normal rate, i just sort of thought i would feel better faster. and i'm tired of being swollen and in pain. i probably have a couple of weeks of this i guess. let us all take a quiet moment to appreciate what our moms went through to bring us here.

so today's theme has been pain and discomfort, and it seems i'm getting through it. the nursing continues to go really really well, and the strong drugs are helping me get through the pain (they also make me drowsy which might help me get more sleep). i think the darvocet has an opiate in it though so that freaks me out since i'm nursing. but i guess the doctors think it's ok...

on a side note, sam is keeping up so well with his feeding. he seems to be deciding that a feeding every two hours is the way to go, and he seems to be getting what he needs. since midnight (and it's now 10 pm) he has filled: 7 poo diapers and 6 wet diapers. according to some info from the hospital, after day four he should have at least 6 wet diapers and 3 yellow bowel movements every 24 hours. you go sam!!

Four days old...

So far so good! Today has been a great day. Our schedule has been consistent, with feedings and diaper changes and SLEEP. Yes, REAL sleep. And our little Sam had his first doctor's visit. Doc thought Sam might be a little yellow so she had another jaundice test. Test came back with flying colors -- should be A-Ok!

Nick & Ashlea came by to bring us some more yummy food -- thanks guys!

Grandpa Erlewine is now having some nice bonding time with the open-eyed and alert little guy. Meg is making dinner for us all.

I'm still in pain throughout my body, but it isn't too overwhelming. I'm sure anxious to heal, but I guess it's only been 4 days and giving birth is a pretty big ordeal.

Breastfeeding update: All is going well. Last feeding left me feeling fairly sore, though. It's funny how if I think about feeding my breasts feel extra tender or sore. Anyway, I think we were still able to get some good latch-ons; one side it even sounded like the textbook feeding where the initial latch hurts but the following feeding is relatively painless. The other side not so easy, but still no blood and no chapping so I'm feeling confident.

Some more pics!!

breastfeeding sucks!

so far our journey is a rocky one full of hills and valleys. luckily i'm currently on a hill i think. maybe i'm even on my way up the hill which would be even better. but yesterday we were hanging out pretty low too. but wait, i like valleys probably more than hills so maybe that's a stupid analogy.

anyway, grandpa erlewine and aunt meg arrived yesterday! both got ample time with open-eyed little sam, holding him and watching his ever-changing expressions. but as the day progressed, he got fussier and fussier and the new mom and dad couldn't figure out what he needed. too hot? too cold? hungry? gas? dirty diaper? ahhh if only i could go to the baby software troubleshooting site. i'm not sure we ever discovered all of the answers. we would try this and that and calm him down and he would rest for a bit, then we tried to lay him in his crib and he would wake up upset again. i suppose this is all very normal newborn stuff but boy is it HARD!! you want nothing more than to be able to provide comfort for your special little one, but you simply don't know how. Augh.

What was making it particularly difficult for me was the painfully swollen arrival of the much-anticipated breastmilk! so exciting at first to see my breasts like double overnight and verify that i was indeed capable of this task, i soon became overwhelmed with discomfort. i did not realize that i would be first engorged -- overly full and reshapen so that it makes it even harder for the little guy to latch on. so, the engorgement causes pain and then the poor latch causes even MORE pain and all of a sudden my body is becoming more and more of a war zone. so far breastfeeding has been kind of painful, but i had only felt inclined to use the lansinoh nipple soothing stuff once or twice. after some difficult sessions yesterday, i noticed i did indeed have some red blood/bruise spots on the tip of my right nipple. yikes. last thing i want is chapped bleeding nipples, yet i realize this is just another part of this wild adventure. but is it? i mean the breastfeeding experts all indicate that if you get the right latch it won't hurt. but i'm not convinced that your delicately protected nipples can all of a sudden adjust to all of that use and abuse without SOME pain, right? anyway, after one particularly difficult feeding session, i had had enough. i finally understood why mothers used formula -- breastfeeding sucks! (har har har). totally sleep deprived from the fussy afternoon and in pain all over my body, i made myself stop baby care so that i could sleep for a couple of hours and regain perspective. i asked aaron to clean and sterilize the hand breast pump we have. maybe pumping will be the answer. or maybe it can at least provide some relief for the engorgement!!

i slept for two hours and aaron struggled to satisfy our sam. ultimately what got him to settle down was the pacifier. i don't think those things are so evil after all. aaron was soooo tired though. i quickly finished prepping the breastpump and tried it out. very strange, and i wasn't able to express a whole lot. but being able to express SOME was somehow very encouraging. (i also was finally operating on some sleep!) i had some relief from engorgement and it seemed that even if i didn't use this to prep milk for my baby, it might help prep my breasts.

we all went to bed and got some real sleep. shortly thereafter it was feeding time again. i changed a wet diaper without baby's tears, and this time i sat on the couch for the feeding. everything went really smoothly. we fed with acceptable pain and discomfort and he settled into a well-fed slumber soon after. so we went back to bed for more sleep. a few hours later we had another wet diaper change, and another successful feeding, and then it was back for more sleep. now i've awoken to the day light and dogs wanting breakfast and their morning routine, so i thought i would enjoy the quiet sunrise and get a nice warm beverage and prepare myself again, after all it's getting to be feeding time again.

We are in orbit...

Aaron here...Liz and Sam are napping so I am going to post some stuff.

It took several hours, but things calmed down last night around Midnight. It was very difficult to make the transition home, and it started to feel like we weren't prepared and didn't know what we were doing... Sam was so easy going at the hospital that we probably got a little too confident.

So once we figured out he was too warm (duh!) we were able to settle back into a good 3 hr cycle of feeding, changing, wake time, and sleeping. I had very little sleep at the hospital and was feeling very zombie-like. I have had a lot of trouble being able to relax enough to sleep while Sam sleeps. This started in the hospital by not being able to take my eyes off of him for the first 24 hours. And the past few days when I did try to sleep I was too concerned about Sam's well-being to fully relax. Anyhoo, Liz got an adrenaline rush late last night, so i was more comfortable falling asleep for an hour or so during Sam's sleeping. Later Liz and I were even able to sleep at the same time! I am also feeling less nervous and scared about my new responsibilities as one of Sam's Protectors as time goes on. Things are starting to feel a kind of normal... And i am awake this morning feeling pretty good with 5 hrs of sleep under my belt.

We have wonderful friends here in Lafayette. Some of them were able to come by to visit us in the hospital... and took care of our dogs... and made us food...gave us hugs... and welcomed Sam with gifts. Below is a photo of some food our friends Tain and Ingrid gave us. The carrot juice is AWESOME, and we will break into the casserole later today. Our friends Esteban and Stephanie showed up with the card and wildflower bouquet with basil from Stephanie's garden. They came alive once we took them home and I used some of the fresh basil to make Liz some breakfast potatoes. Our friends Nick and Ashlea also showed up at the hospital with coffee for me. Also after the craziness at home last night i checked our phone messages. Nick had left a message that they also had some food prepped for us. It was such good timing. It reminded me that we will never be entirely alone while we help Sam grow.



There's couple other photos. A few more from while at the hospital. Liz got Sam some pretty cute leg warmers. Check out those feet!
And Sam at home in his crib. Fuzzy head.