Sunday night.

Sunday night. 10 o'clock. I'm feeling sleepy. I'm thinking about work. I'm thinking about shopping. I'm thinking about how I have so many more chores to do. I can't keep up with my chores. I guess it could be organization and work habits. I just don't feel like I have enough hours in the day to do anything. Or I mean everything. This feels like my theme right now. I must learn to be a more efficient worker. The funny thing is I never thought of myself as an inefficient worker. But I guess maybe I am not not efficient but neither am I efficient. I dunno. Partly it's work.

I found the catch to my great salaried part-time job with flexibility and benefits. The catch is it's really probably like a 30+ hr/wk job and they hire you and pay you for 20. They all told me going in that it was 20-30 hrs of work/wk. I figured that meant I would be able to keep it to 20. Because, well, I dunno. I just figured I could. But I can't. All the faculty and my boss say keep track of your hours, don't work too many hours, etc. And that's great. I mean that's amazing. But the thing is, I have things that have to be done. Things that if I don't do, people will notice. Things that if I don't do *I* will notice. Plus I'm slower right now since I'm still new and getting familiar with things. But it's hard. It's hard to take too much time to do things. It's hard because I know I'm not getting paid for it, but really it's hard because it means time away from my family, and it means time keeping Aaron from doing his work.

There just isn't enough time.

I scrubbed the living room floor today. This is something that needs to be done at least once a week. I'm lucky if I do it once a month. I simply cannot keep the place clean with lack of time, melting snow, muddy drive ways, dirty dog feet, and, you know, us. Dishes and laundry are hard enough to keep up with, let alone real cleaning.

My work time is Sam sleeping time, for the most part. He has now discovered the TV so he will beg to watch Nemo and that will usually give me a few minutes to do stuff. So usually once he goes to sleep I take 20-30 minutes decompression quiet self time. Which usually means email (work and fun) and some random Internet surfing. Then I decide I should get something productive done, so I work on that for maybe an hour, and then usually Sam is up again, or it might be my bed time. So that's not a lot of time for chores.

But this must be the struggles every parent feels. I suppose it will continue to get easier as he gets older. And I will settle into my job. It will not always be such a busy week. And I will become more efficient at my tasks.


Little Sam notes:
He got his first haircut!! Monumental. He looks so much more like a kid without his straggly baby locks.

He LOVES Finding Nemo. Especially the ritual scene where they sing "ha hwa he ha ho ho ho" and will try to sing along or will sing that to get me to put Nemo on the TV.

I guess, in a way, he uses his voice to communicate a variety of things. He says Mom, he says "ma" with his hand to his face (like putting a cupped hand to your mouth when shouting -- he learned this from Juan) to call for Meg. He says "ooh oooh" when he wants to watch the Who. He says "bababa" when he wants to hear the Who sing "Barbara Ann". He says an authoritative "Ga!" when calling for or yelling at Clyde. He says "bay" or "bee" when he sees a picture of a baby. He sometimes says "bambow" for rainbow. And the "ah ooh ah" for the ritual scene in Finding Nemo...

So those random snippets describe where I'm at right now. A bit scattered. Oh, and I totally have cabin fever. I want to move. I want the sun. I want to go to a beach. I want a new environment. I want to settle, but I want change.

18 months!

So I'm behind the times. But what else is new?

Sam is now 18 months old, or has been for a couple weeks. He went for his 18 month checkup this week though! He measured 33 3/4 inches tall (90th percentile!) 27 lbs 8 oz (75th percentile) and 33 3/4 cms head (something in the 80s percentile). So he remains a big boy. Doc said all is good. Still worried about his lack of talking. Though he has started saying mom!! And does he really need to say anything else, I mean, come on! But she said that she does consider him to be behind developmentally because he isn't verbally talking yet. She said if he really isn't taking to talking in the next few months to call them back. She doesn't want to wait until he's 2 (next well baby appointment is at 24 months). I dunno. From all my anecdotal experience via other moms, I just am not worried at all. Sam does not seem behind to me. But I might as well call and see the specialist if she thinks it's a good idea. It can't hurt.

Sam's communication still is great. He signs so many things. Most of the time he can tell us what he wants with signing and doesn't get very frustrated. *Sometimes* he can't communicate with us and does get upset. Maybe he needs more of that to start talking? But he learns a new sign instantly for something important to him (i.e. cake from my birthday -- learned that *right* away) and continues to use his vocabulary. He also sometimes tries to say baby and ball and rainbow. Bah. He's getting there.

In other news...
We are getting into our semester. We had a lovely surprise birthday visit from Sarah, Mike, Maggie, and Stephanie!! And then Aaron's mom was visiting for a while. So now we are getting into reality again. My new job is great, I really like it, but I do have to deal with committees and politics and it is more work than 20 hrs/wk. BUT they are extremely flexible with scheduling and encourage me to limit my work to 20 hrs/wk so I'm doing what I can.

Gotta run.

Here are some more pics of the big cutie.

Blah.

So I got the flu after Sam did! Luckily it lasted only 24 hrs, and only about four of them were spent hugging a bucket.

I don't even know what I feel like writing. I feel weird about blogging. I feel weird about a lot of things right now. I think it's the coming of the big day ... the big Saturday. You know. The day I turn 30. I had been wanting to turn 30 because, well, I'm a mom and I think it sounds better to be 30 if you are a mom because people think that having kids is a 30-something thing to do. Ha ha. Lame right? Well anyway, I thought I was looking forward to it. But after the last number of months I realized that I was just feeling weird about this whole aging and becoming an adult thing.

I have never really welcomed birthdays, yet neither have I dreaded them. I always find them a bit isolating (ironic, as I am a twin) and melancholy and a time for good ol' self reflection which usually means a lot of self pity and moping.

Things are good right now. I have a good job. An amazing family. Things are good. So why feel down? I wish I could just come to terms with the fact that sometimes I will just feel down. That that is an ok feeling to have. That it doesn't mean that things are awful or that I am awful or that I'm doomed. It just means I don't feel well. I should think of it like having a cold. Not a permanent state of being. Just something that will take it's course and let me realize how nice things are when I'm not under the weather. When I'm back to normal.

...

And tonight, as I suffered from insecurity, a caffeine-withdrawal headache, and fear of growing up, my baby cried out after only laying quietly in his crib for about 20 minutes. At first frustrated that I would have to go lie down with him and ease him to sleep, I went in there, and surveyed the situation, tucked him back in and left him as he cried. Irritated that I wouldn't be able to quietly muse about my inner moping, I soon realized that I enjoyed the idea of pulling him into my arms and snuggling close, losing my complaints in our shared relaxation...and as that comfort reached me, he grew silent, drifting off to sleep, a room away.

You see I will never feel at rest because I am always a step behind. Or a step ahead. Or something.

...

Here are some more recent photos of our growing boy. He does so many funny things now. He develops his own sign language -- he came up with a sign for donut. Which, you know, reveals the importance of donuts in our lives.

The Problem With Blogging (warning: long post)

The problem with blogging is that when you stop, it's hard to start. Where do you begin? Do you catch everyone up on what has been happening in your life? To get too into details or insights would make such a lengthy post. And I guess I just don't know how much more interest I have in blogging. It may have to do with employment. Now that I have been working, it makes it hard to find the time to want to blog. The free time is so willingly spent elsewhere. And I suppose I see more people during my day and actually really talk to people so I don't feel as great of a need to express my thoughts. Hmm. Well, I have found reason time and time again to consult my past blog entries to realize when certain things happened, so I think, all in all, I'm happy to have this blog, even if it is just a journal to remind me of what happens in my life. I do not have a great memory, so, blogging helps. Anyway, here, again is at least one more post.

Oi. So. Let's see.

ERLEWINE CHRISTMAS
We finished the crazy term. It was fine. We went up to Michigan for an Erlewine Christmas. That was nice. Tom and Jeanette flew in from Texas, my dad came down from BR, and the Indiana crew of Aaron, me, Sam, Meg, and Juan made it up to Ann Arbor. The poor pups were in a kennel for the holiday. Here are some Christmas pics. Sam had a great time playing with his family. He warmed up to them right away and took a special liking to Jeanette, the kitties, stairs, and drums.

Sam signing "Help"

Sam telling me to take him over there.

With Uncle Tom

With his first laptop

Sam signing "hug"

pop up books!

Three little monkeys jumping on the bed...

Drums! (he liked the real drum set much more but I forgot to get pics)

NEMEC NEW YEAR
After getting back from Ann Arbor, we did a wacky drive out to Nebraska to celebrate Christmas and New Year with the Nemecs. We drove to Chicago, picked up Aaron's 91-yr-old grandma at the airport (she flew to Chicago from Cleveland to come with us), met up with Aaron's brother and family (who were driving to Nebraska from Michigan) and we caravanned (I guess that's not a word?) to Omaha. There we picked up Aaron's sister at the airport (flying in from Oregon) and drove to Mahoney State Park where Aaron's parents had rented three cabins for the whole family. We met up with the folks and the Texas Nemecs around 10 or 11 at night. I don't know when. It was late. The trip took FOREVER. I had a migraine by the time we got there. Aaron's poor grandma got car sick on the way and didn't seem to realize she was in for such a long drive (to be fair, none of us quite realized it would take so long either). But we made it there. Sam was a total trooper and fared the long journey better than any of us. The week there was great. Weather was clear (no snow) but it was very cold. We did go sledding. Made Christmas decorations, exchanged gifts. There were some additional hazards of Sam getting bit by a dog (YIKES!! but he is fine and not scared of dogs, though maybe his mom is now...) and a dog pooped in our cabin. Yipee. By around 10 o'clock New Years Eve Sam had had enough and was too exhausted to bring in the new year and the dog that bit Sam was tired of being locked in a room, so Sam and I went back to our cabin for an early night. Sam went right to sleep and I brought in the new year in bed with Sam, reading Harry Potter. At the time it felt a little weird and sad, in retrospect it seems sort of sweet and lovely.

The coolest thing about the time in Nebraska was watching Sam with his cousins. He completely was in awe of his cousins Trent (9) and Diego (5). The three boys (youngest in their families) palled around the whole time. It was great how well the older boys played with Sam.

The trip back home was much easier. Everything was a little smoother and we only drove as far as Chicago so we could get to an airport hotel to make sure Aaron's grandma got her flight in time. The hotel was nice. Aaron escorted his grandma to her flight, came back to the hotel to meet Sam and I. We had breakfast, hit Ikea, and made our way home. Ahh home. It feels so nice.

WORK
We had a couple of quiet days at home and then I began my new job. I am free of all previous posts and have accepted one single 20 hr/wk job that comes complete with benefits, vacation, and a month off in the summer. They are even letting me organize my schedule around Aaron's teaching schedule, so again, Sam gets to remain home in the care of his family. I am coordinating a gallery and so far I absolutely love it. I feel so blessed.

and in other news...
SAM WAS SICK!! For the first time EVER Sam was really sick!! Oh he'd had a runny nose or two but we realized that can accompany teething, and he never had any other symptoms. But last night, he was vomiting. He threw up all night!! Poor kiddo! It was so sad and scary. But he stopped, and he has been keeping food and drink down today. He had a little fever this morning and slept a lot. By this evening he seemed to be completely normal Sam, wanting to run around and play. Eek. It's hard when your kids get sick!!

SAM IS WEANED!! I know I said this before but it's 100% official. I thought it would mean one rough week but really he had given it up after two nights! (I forgot to mention in previous blogs that we had been down to nighttime nursing only for quite a while, so we just needed to cut that part out.) Sam's sleep has greatly improved. But he still sleeps most of the night in bed with us. He is growing so fast that space gets tight, but he is so cuddly we are still happy to share this time with him.

SAM TRIES TALKING!! Though I haven't actually been worried about this, (as you can tell from my blog posts) it remains on my mind. I wouldn't say he's "talking" yet, but he definitely says "h'loo" for hello when he is pretending to talk on the phone. He doesn't use it all the time, just sometimes, and it's really cute. He, of course, has been saying "bye" for a long time but somehow I never really counted that. He also has tried to say "ball" and looks at pictures of babies and points and says "bay" but doesn't always get to the "bee". But he understands and communicates so much that even if he's 2 before he talks, I'm not too worried.

OTHER SAM STUFF: His hair is getting long. Two ladies (independently) referred to him as "she". We still figure we'll wait a while to cut those precious blonde locks.



There are so many cute funny things he does these days. Hopefully I'll have time soon to tell you more about them.


In other news, welcome baby Laila! So glad you are here!