so thanks again for the emails and comments, but i'm afraid i freaked some of you out maybe? don't worry, i'm not losing it. there are just a lot of emotions and questions that go along with becoming a mother and i'm not sure any are more valid than any others. the bad feelings come and go right along with the good ones. i guess i just realize that i feel way better to just write out the feelings no matter what they are, and i guess i'm not too afraid of expressing them. so in other words, i'll tell you when i'm on the edge. ha ha. or at least i think i will!
i'm coming to terms with the "bad" feelings. my cousin put it best, maybe, when she told me: "Remember that Sam is learning to be a total human being from you. That INCLUDES anger, sadness, frustration, depression. If we repress and hide our emotions from our children, what will they do with their own emotions that probably feel so huge to them?"
the past couple of days with sam have been good ones. i'm tired because i didn't sleep so well last night. maybe anxiety from the full house. aaron's brother and family have been visiting and i won't lie -- it's a lot for me to just have this extra energy around the house. everyone has been great about taking care of everything else so i can just focus on sam, so that helps, and i think having other stuff going on keeps me from wallowing too. and it's fun that sam finally gets to meet some other nemecs, including some cousins! but i did enjoy some quiet alone time today with sam while the nemecs went out for a while, and i got a good nap. that helps. and today i feel like my time with sam is special bonding time, like we are part of our own private club, instead of feeling like we are locked together, each other's ball and chain.
anyway, curious thing is sam seems to behave better when others are around. i think maybe he gets bored or antsy when it's just him and me alone? or maybe the house is just too quiet and i need to make more noise when it's just us. but our routines are getting clearer. we're not exactly on a schedule, but he is eating about every 2-3 hours, filling diapers, and we're even starting to get the burping thing down. back at the breast, we're getting our latch down, and honestly i think my nipples are just toughening up. because i know his latch is still shallow sometimes, and he clamps down sometimes, but it doesn't really hurt. so this is great. breastfeeding does not seem like so much of a challenge, though we are not yet pros and i am not ready to attempt anything like public nursing yet, which keeps me a little house-bound.
and a note to grandpa: sam loves the rocking chair! the very chair that my mom and dad rocked me in when i was sam's age.