breastfeeding sucks!

so far our journey is a rocky one full of hills and valleys. luckily i'm currently on a hill i think. maybe i'm even on my way up the hill which would be even better. but yesterday we were hanging out pretty low too. but wait, i like valleys probably more than hills so maybe that's a stupid analogy.

anyway, grandpa erlewine and aunt meg arrived yesterday! both got ample time with open-eyed little sam, holding him and watching his ever-changing expressions. but as the day progressed, he got fussier and fussier and the new mom and dad couldn't figure out what he needed. too hot? too cold? hungry? gas? dirty diaper? ahhh if only i could go to the baby software troubleshooting site. i'm not sure we ever discovered all of the answers. we would try this and that and calm him down and he would rest for a bit, then we tried to lay him in his crib and he would wake up upset again. i suppose this is all very normal newborn stuff but boy is it HARD!! you want nothing more than to be able to provide comfort for your special little one, but you simply don't know how. Augh.

What was making it particularly difficult for me was the painfully swollen arrival of the much-anticipated breastmilk! so exciting at first to see my breasts like double overnight and verify that i was indeed capable of this task, i soon became overwhelmed with discomfort. i did not realize that i would be first engorged -- overly full and reshapen so that it makes it even harder for the little guy to latch on. so, the engorgement causes pain and then the poor latch causes even MORE pain and all of a sudden my body is becoming more and more of a war zone. so far breastfeeding has been kind of painful, but i had only felt inclined to use the lansinoh nipple soothing stuff once or twice. after some difficult sessions yesterday, i noticed i did indeed have some red blood/bruise spots on the tip of my right nipple. yikes. last thing i want is chapped bleeding nipples, yet i realize this is just another part of this wild adventure. but is it? i mean the breastfeeding experts all indicate that if you get the right latch it won't hurt. but i'm not convinced that your delicately protected nipples can all of a sudden adjust to all of that use and abuse without SOME pain, right? anyway, after one particularly difficult feeding session, i had had enough. i finally understood why mothers used formula -- breastfeeding sucks! (har har har). totally sleep deprived from the fussy afternoon and in pain all over my body, i made myself stop baby care so that i could sleep for a couple of hours and regain perspective. i asked aaron to clean and sterilize the hand breast pump we have. maybe pumping will be the answer. or maybe it can at least provide some relief for the engorgement!!

i slept for two hours and aaron struggled to satisfy our sam. ultimately what got him to settle down was the pacifier. i don't think those things are so evil after all. aaron was soooo tired though. i quickly finished prepping the breastpump and tried it out. very strange, and i wasn't able to express a whole lot. but being able to express SOME was somehow very encouraging. (i also was finally operating on some sleep!) i had some relief from engorgement and it seemed that even if i didn't use this to prep milk for my baby, it might help prep my breasts.

we all went to bed and got some real sleep. shortly thereafter it was feeding time again. i changed a wet diaper without baby's tears, and this time i sat on the couch for the feeding. everything went really smoothly. we fed with acceptable pain and discomfort and he settled into a well-fed slumber soon after. so we went back to bed for more sleep. a few hours later we had another wet diaper change, and another successful feeding, and then it was back for more sleep. now i've awoken to the day light and dogs wanting breakfast and their morning routine, so i thought i would enjoy the quiet sunrise and get a nice warm beverage and prepare myself again, after all it's getting to be feeding time again.