The state of things.

Well I've been a little melancholy. I actually had a phone call with social services. I'm looking to get Sam on the state sponsored health insurance, which I guess is just medicaid. The phone call was part two of the application process. You see, first I fill out a form and mail it in, then they ask me the same questions over the phone. Now they will mail me a packet of more application materials and processes. I feel so weird about all of this. The woman on the phone was coughing in my ear the whole time and being rude when I would ask for clarification. Really she was alright but it just sorta made me feel icky. So if we qualify it will be retroactive, but I wonder if it's even worth it. Sam is currently covered by Aaron's student health insurance and they seem to cover 80% of the med expenses. So that still leaves us a good chunk to pay out of pocket PLUS the cost of insurance, but even if we get the medicaid, it will only work if our health care provider accepts medicaid, and then we can resubmit the charges and get refunded (or at least that's what it sounds like). We will, of course, still be out the cost of the health insurance, and by the time this application gets processed, I might be working and have regular health insurance through my employer. Sigh. I dunno. I guess I'll continue with it because I just don't know what the future will bring. Here I am, using the welfare system. I am 28 years old, I have a bachelor's and master's degree from nationally (if not internationally) recognized institutions and I'm applying for welfare.

Things feel dire a lot of the time. Particulary late at night when I'm so tired I should be sleeping but instead I'm doing something else. But then I look at Sam. He is one little bundle of hope. At the same time I sometimes feel worse because I want so much to do right by him. If I feel like a failure I am now failing him as well as myself.

But I have prospects. The library job should still pull through, though I have no news on that. And I'm applying for that professor position in Indianapolis, but that's probably a bit of a reach. I have an interview on Tuesday for an archival technician position at Purdue's construction department. This is funny because it's the same office Aaron worked at. It's a rather depressing building full of urine colored carpet and cubicle walls, but a job is a job and the more options I can line up the better. I doubt this job pays better than the library job, though, so I'm still expecting to be back at the archives come January. And at least I'd have my own office.

The boy is as cute as ever. Here is the proof:

Nuthin'

So I apologize for lack of blog entries but I guess I haven't found much I felt like talking about. Here is a quick update with what's going on with us, though, and some pics...

Sam is still getting bigger. He's really starting to use his hands now, and that's sooo fun. We have started a nighttime routine of bath before bed (not using soap that often) and this seems to work great for getting him to sleep without much fuss. Problem is he gives his long stretch of sleep then and I usually stay up for a couple of hours so by the time I get to bed he starts waking up every 2-3 hours it seems. It may even be 3-4 but lately it's feeling like I'm awake a lot of the night. Sigh. I guess this will pass so I might as well not worry about it. I should get to bed earlier but I have started to like some time at night for some non-baby time. Though I start to miss him while he's sleeping and have to go take a look at him every so often.

I have been sort of coming down from all of the company. All of a sudden it seems I've been entertaining for the past three months!! But it's been great to have all of you visit. It makes me feel loved, even though I know who you really came to see, ha ha. Aaron's sister passed through on her way to Colorado Tuesday night, and my sister will be here tomorrow night.

Still no real job news. I applied for the position and I think the odds are still in my favor, but it probably won't progress for a couple of weeks. My department is currently in the middle of moving to a new space so that will inevitably slow things down.

There is also an Asst Prof in Art position opening in a small university in Indy. It's tenure track too. Anyway, I think I'll go ahead and apply though I'm not sure I'm the ideal candidate.

So that's it for now. Will post after the weekend I think.

Here's the boy...

Visitors

I'm tired and should go take a nap while Sam is sleeping, but here's a quick update...

I had a terrific visit with my Aunt Sally and I'm glad she had a chance to see baby Sam. She left on Friday. Saturday my Aunt Anne arrived. We had a nice time going out to dinner, and then to breakfast this morning, and now she's on her way back to Ann Arbor. I got to see her son Charlie and pics of her daughter Alice -- I used to babysit Alice when she was still in diapers and now she's 11!! Wow. And Charlie pointed out that when Sam is 15 he'll be 30. Crazy how time works.

Anyway, here are a few pics from the recent visits. Tomorrow Aaron's sister will be through on her move out to Colorado. Everyone is moving to Colorado. Either Colorado or Oregon. Have you noticed this too?

Aunt Sally

Aunt Anne

Final Debate Party!

So for every presidential and vice presidential debate party we get together at Meg's for some great food and political discourse -- or bs anyway. This time we had an amazing meal thanks to Aunt Sally! Alaskan clams and salmon...mmm mmm good. I also made potato bread for the first time, and I decided to use a sweet potato. And Aunt Sally was inspired by Stephanie's blog and made a swedish apple pie. All in all, we just had tons and tons of amazing food. Yummmmm. Thanks Aunt Sally!

Also, the debate was actually much more entertaining than I expected. I really liked the format and the moderating was great. That's all I'll say about politics. Now to the pics!!

Clam Chowder...mmm

Swedish Apple Pie!

Sweet Potato Bread!

Sam is grabbing things more and more too. Yea use of hands!! Still no real rolling. On his back he often rolls to his side, and ONE time I put him on his tummy and he promptly rolled to his back, but never again... We'll get there, little buddy, we'll get there!

Better mood...

Sorry for my rant previously. I haven't even reread it so I don't know if it is even very coherent. I am in a better mood today though! The job at the library has finally been posted and I swiftly applied. Now we'll see what happens next. Even though I'm feeling good about the job stuff, I still have more bad news to share. First, the description for the library job only asks for an Associates Degree (though that's to be expected after the salary thing). Second, I had a slim chance of getting a teaching job next semester but that fell through because they chose someone else (I didn't expect it to work out though, I mean, I don't think I've even mentioned it on this blog). Neither of these issues is a surprise nor a big deal, but nonetheless they can be a bit of a blow to the ego.

Currently, as for the working/baby care issues, I hope I will get the library job and begin in January. I am now thinking it would be best if Aaron could continue the 1/2-time TA meaning teaching two classes (12 hrs class-time/week). Meg thinks she could babysit Sam for a couple of hours on the days he teaches so I think we might be able to swing it. If we can do that, we will be in a very comfortable situation. I sure hope it works out and thanks to the super awesome Aunt Meg.

The visit with Great Aunt Sally is very nice! She and I are having lotsa fun chatting away and walking around campus and Lafayette. She agrees that Sam is one heck of a cutie. And it sure is nice to see her -- she lives in Alaska so I don't make it out there very much. Yup, I said Alaska. I know you want to ask her about Sarah Palin, now don't you? :)


Here is a pic Aunt Sally took of Aaron and the big boy wearing a super cuddly hat made by his Great Uncle Larry! Thanks Uncle Larry! The hats look great!


And here is a pic Sally took of the painted daisies growing in her yard. These daisies grew from seeds that Aaron and I gave out as wedding favors for our wedding. Neat!

Morning.

SLEEP
Wow, I haven't seen this in a while (morning, that is)! Lately I've been getting to sleep around 12 or 1 or so, and then sleeping until at least 10 in the morning. Sam has sorta been into the schedule too -- in fact he usually sleeps until noon. (By the way he is definitely NOT sleeping through the night yet.) Though the schedule seems to work for all of us, it seems a little weird so I'm trying to get myself back into more of a reasonable schedule. It's tough. The past two nights I tried to go to bed early and still didn't get to sleep until about 11:30, and yesterday I still slept until 10:00. Today, though, I got myself out of bed by 8:30! Yea! But you gotta realize that though it sounds like I am sleeping tons and tons of hours, I only sort of am, because I wake up every three hours, am quasi sleeping/awake feeding Sam, and then sometimes I get back to sleep easily and sometimes I don't. Usually I do, I guess, but regardless it is just not the same kind of sleep as pre-baby sleep (or pre-pregnancy sleep, I guess!). And I used to need a lot of sleep back when sleep was easy! Anyway, I am certain I will need a nap later, but I still think it's good to get onto more of a normal schedule.

VISITORS
In other news, Great Aunt Sally is visiting baby Sam (and us) this week! I don't have a lot of plans, but she just wants to see the little guy anyway. I bet we will do some park visits and some nice meals. We have been doing debate parties at Meg's for all of the presidential/vp debates and that's been fun, so Wednesday Sally is going to make some clam chowder with her very own Alaskan clams - yummm!! We are lucky.

I will take and post pictures of her visit soon. Also, it sounds like Sam's other great Aunt Anne will be visiting next weekend. Cheers to Great Aunts!

JOBS
Things are definitely NOT good on the job front. I still think the library job is going to pull through, though it still hasn't been posted yet. The title is Digitization Coordinator and it sounds like they do sort of refer to it as "Liz's job" around the office. So that's all great. But I also found out that the salary is really not what I had expected. I will be making significantly less than I made pre-grad school and at least $8,000 less than all the other Admin/Prof positions in the rest of the libraries. Boy do I feel valuable. I realize this is yet another testament to the disaster that is the US economy, but it still feels like a reflection of my self worth. I feel trapped and incompetent. I need to find a plan to make sure that at some point I have potential to do something more than lower-middle class office work. I just don't know that I will ever feel satisfaction in that, even though the rest of my life seems to be providing all the satisfaction I should need. The truth, is, though, that one area of life cannot make up for another -- they are just too intertwined and provide satisfaction for different needs.

You see, what also makes this job thing a little tougher to swallow is that we are totally broke right now since we are living on Aaron's grad student stipend, which half of is going straight to health insurance and taxes. Yes, I truly believe we are the prime example of the US economy right now. Also, I didn't even get an interview for the stinkin' gallery coordinator job at the art school. Not even an interview?? This is a part time job that involves minimal experience (BFA only and a little bit of gallery experience), skills, creativity. Yet I hear they flew someone in for an interview. Yes, I think someone will yet again be relocating to take on a part-time gallery job. Sigh. Again, the US sucks right now.

Even more bad news on the job front, a prof. of mine had suggested that maybe I could fill in for another prof who is going on sabbatical next semester, but I think that job is going to someone else, and it doesn't seem like they will need me to teach any foundation classes next semester either. Or if they do, they won't know until last minute so it will be safer for me to take a full-time benefits included job.

I really am depressed about this job stuff. But I guess I should just feel fortunate to have the library prospect. Hopefully that will pull through.

I can't believe anyone is going to vote for McCain. I can't see how you can look at the problems the majority of Americans are facing today in their daily lives and not think that this is a huge priority for the Federal Government to take on. And I can't believe that people think McCain's policies have any way (or even honest intention) of fixing this problem. If the free market's goal is to turn a profit, how can it look out for it's fellow man? Families cannot afford health insurance (I think I will have Aaron take me off his insurance, actually since we just cannot afford it), and a $5000 credit will A) not pay for private family health insurance (check it out, I did) and B) that credit is going to the insurance companies anyway, not "Main Street" (yes I just said "main street" ha ha), and C) he wants to tax the income that goes to employer-provided health insurance too, so the $5000 is just to offset that. Am I wrong in all of this? It can be so hard to wade through all of this junk that I will be upfront and admit that I might be mistaken in his plan, so feel free to correct me.

And why are people afraid of government health care plans? Obviously Aaron and I cannot afford the employer-provided healthcare available to us. I have filled out the necessary paperwork to start getting Sam on the State health insurance. That's right, Indiana has a government funded health insurance for infants and children. It covers everything because we realize as a society that we need to take care of babies and children. That it is in the interest of our society and culture to take care of our own. How come this changes when a child grows up? And again, the corporation and business is designed to turn a profit -- should healthcare be a business designed for profit? I think it's safe to say that businesses have definitely proven time and time again that superior product and service are NOT the generally accepted ways of increasing profits.

Sigh. Again, I'm just rambling as I run around and do chores and say good morning as the rest of the house is now waking up. So I will end here. More political rants later. But really, the next post will be photos of the cute boy and his aunt and the fun stuff we do this week.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SAM!!

Sam is three months old today!! We love you Sam!!

Bad Mom?

So during the last scary movie of our month-long horror-movie-for-Halloween schedule, I started to feel really weird about Sam being there while we watched the movie. See, he's getting so much more alert and attentive every day, he even sometimes rolls over to his side to look at the TV. He's not that into TV, but he does sometimes like to look at the lights and colors -- or at least that was my take on it, since he always seems to like to look at light and shadow on the walls and stuff like that. I found this helpful for getting him into tummy time and heck, I like to watch movies too. But with my increasingly aware baby passively taking in Nightmare on Elm Street, I started to feel pretty weird. So I sat on the floor playing with him for a lot of it, and holding him in my arms as he slept for the rest.

I mean, if he's soaking in all the stuff around him all the time -- what will happen if he spends a month soaking in scary movies every night?? What part of scary movies is innate and what part is learned? Are the creepy music, sounds, and screams naturally something we sense as bad, scary, or horrific? Will this make him scared? And even if it is a learned thing, if he grows up NOT feeling fear with those things, what will that do to him?

I don't know. As always I'm probably getting overly worried and paranoid about it, but it seems like maybe the safest thing is to avoid having baby in the room when watching scary movies. And eliminating playtime TV watching. He won't miss it, I'm sure.

Is this the end of scary movie night??

http://www.askbaby.com/the-influence-of-tv-on-young-babues.htm

You weigh 16 pounds, what do you get?

aaarrrggh!!

Sam went to the doctor today to get the butt lump checked out. Doc says she doesn't know what it is. Great. Well she also said that it probably isn't anything to worry about unless it starts to grow or change. Her best guess was maybe a hemangioma. She's gonna call a specialist to get some more info on possibilities and she'll let us know if there is anything else we should do.

The big boy weighed in at 16 lbs today, and this Thursday he will be 12 weeks old. He's still drooling a lot, and his hands are almost always in his mouth (this leads to dry red cheeks combined with the cooling weather) and his bowel movements have slowed to about one giant poo a day. He is starting to hint that he might try rolling. He rolled over twice when propped on a pillow (think he was a little off balance so that helped) and now he's starting to roll to his side when on his back. He used to do this all the time during his first couple of weeks, but he stopped doing that so it seems new again. He's still not really grabbing things yet, but if we put them in his hand he has a great grip and he likes to bring things in his hand to his mouth.

Oh and he's not yet routinely sleeping through the night. He gave us a couple of nights of 6-8 hours without waking (wow!) but then he was back to every three or four. Last night was every three. To be honest, I don't really mind waking that frequently to feed him. We both get back to sleep pretty easily. But once he sleeps through the night we'll move him into his room and we're pretty excited to set that up. Of course I think I might miss having him there with us, ha ha. I realized yesterday that sometimes I miss him when he's taking a nap or something, heh heh. I like to hold my little guy.



These pics are Sam in his "Boo!!" pajamas that Aunt Meg got him. We dressed him in his Halloween gear to go over to Meg's to watch a scary movie the other night. We are trying to watch a scary movie every day this month, and I think a group of us are even going to try to make a Halloween movie to celebrate. Should be fun. I wonder how all of the horror movies are impacting my son?? Hmmm....

Guess who slept through the night??!!

Me! Heh heh heh. But only because my sweet little baby decided to sleep through the night too. I actually still woke up at the normal intervals because my body is so accustomed to it. This time I waited longer during his rustling about and he simply remained asleep. The engorgement wasn't too fun, but the idea of sleeping through the night sure was. We didn't wake and feed until 8 am! I don't think I can expect this to be a routine, but it still makes me feel like it may be a routine in the nearish future. Awesome!

Sam is 11 weeks old as of yesterday. I try to imagine how I felt less than three months ago when I was just getting used to my brand new baby. Sam seems so substantial now. Well, he is huge, I guess, ha ha. But I can hug him, I can seat him on the couch, or in my lap with just a little support. He smiles and talks. His hands are open so much more often and he is beginning to learn to grab things (yeah, we have to put them right there at his hand, but still!!) . I didn't think that at three months you could feel as if your baby was growing up too fast, but somehow that feeling hits right away I guess. I can't imagine how I'll feel a few years from now! You just want to somehow hold on to every little moment, or at least be able to go back and revisit them again and again. Pictures help, but they sure aren't the real thing.

Those first couple of weeks with a newborn are so surreal and just so difficult. I suppose it is different for everyone, but I really thought my life was now forever to be no sleep, no me time, all crying baby, painful vampiric sucking of the boobs, and nothing more. How quickly it changes. Though I had this deep devotion for my little one even before he was born, it has now blossomed into something so much more. I am just amazed and fulfilled with every little thing that he is, and I honestly do not think that there will ever be a time when I won't feel complete pride, awe, and joy at all of the things he does -- even the foolish mistakes he will inevitably make at some point in his life. The connectedness I have with him is really something I can't articulate. I hope this doesn't go away, even though I'm sure life events will sometimes make it more or less noticeable over the years. And I really cannot fathom that my parents ever felt (or feel) this way about me, ha ha.

I still am finding it hard to get motivated and I get down and depressed sometimes because of my laziness. Part of me just wants to embrace the downtime afforded by this unique moment in my life, but part of me feels that I really need a project to pour some of my energy into or I simply cannot feel fulfilled. Or perhaps I feel that I'm just wasting time. I sort of sleep away a lot of my day, I spend a lot of time on the computer, or I watch movies or read fiction. Autumn has officially arrived -- cool weather, changing leaves. Some days I am just completely content to live with nothing but nice walks with Sam on a cool but sunny day and holing up in my house with books, movies, and computer, for the rest of the time.

Health updates: I decided not to rush Sam in to see any old nurse or doc, we decided to get an appointment with our own doctor. That means I have an appointment on Tuesday. I have been leaving the lump alone and it seems to be going away. Ha ha. I am pretty sure when it appeared to be getting bigger it was just me irritating the skin. Yea Mom! Well if it isn't there next week I'll just cancel the appointment. Yesterday he also got these really red cheeks so I got to worry and google that for a bit. Pretty sure it's just dry skin from the sudden change in temperature and a bath yesterday morning. I have been using some mild lotion and I think they are more rosy and not red. He has the cutest big cheeks, ha ha.

Introducing: Cold Weather Sam!

This post is really just an excuse to show off Sam in his cute little hooded sweater!!



Not much news. Sam has been a little constipated and fussy today, but really he's fine. His sleeping has resumed to normal night time sleeping, and I guess he's over his growth spurt, because he's not eating nearly so frequently, nor spitting up so much. In fact, yesterday he went 7 hours between feedings! He ate at 7 pm, and not again until 2:30 am. Sam is learning to tell us when he's ready for bed, but Mom & Dad are sometimes slow on the uptake. Around 10:00 I expected Sam to have his before bed feeding but he wouldn't eat. He was screaming and screaming. Aaron came in and said, maybe he wants to go to bed?? So I changed him into some pajamas, gave him his vitamin, put him in his crib with his pacifier and he calmed right down. I think Sam is the one teaching us, not the other way around.

I am a little paranoid. A week or so ago when cleaning Sam's little butt after a big poo, I felt a lump under the skin near his anus. I have been keeping an eye out and it seems like maybe it's bigger? The skin there now is a little red so it's visible to the eye now. Should I take him to the doc? I think it's nothing. I think it is normal rectal muscle and I have now irritated the skin by poking at it. But I think I might take him in anyway. Lumps are scary.