Post Post

Post surgery and post holiday, Sam is doing great. The day of the surgery, Sam fell asleep during the car ride home and barely woke when I brought him inside. I took off his jacket and put him in his bed and he screamed and then went back to sleep. I thought that's what recovery would be -- sleeping and screaming. But I was wrong! After he woke from his sleep he felt great and was happy jolly normal Sam! He is healing just fine, we just have to let him sit in water at least 4 times a day. Usually we use this netted chair thing in the tub for baths, so he doesn't usually get to sit in the water. So we brought him to the kitchen sink for some sitz baths and he loves it!! He's so cute. These pics are from the day of the surgery.

Christmas was nice. Despite terrible roads in Michigan, all the Michigan family made it down to visit, so that was really nice. They are still here for one more night. Everyone has been preparing the food and feeding me so finally I might get to return the favor tonight (though I think Meg might be doing some cooking too, even though she already made some amazing desserts).

Sam got lots of new clothes and toys from his generous aunts, uncle, and their significant others. Sam and I opened the gifts over a few days and he seemed to have some fun with that.

Surgery Day Part 2

We're home! Sam did great. He's such a charmer. I am so glad to have it done. I was so optimistic yesterday and before the surgery. Then when he was away from us I nearly had a mini panic attack. Part of me wonders if the panic hit right when he was given the anesthesia or when they were doing the cutting or what. Anyway, seems like Sam is doing A-ok. He cried a lot in the recovery room when he woke up, but as soon as they took the IV out and he got into his pjs he calmed right down. He's sleeping now. When he wakes he'll probably eat again and get a sitz bath.
No stitches because the stitches can lead to infection in that area of the body.

Phew.

Surgery day.

It is about 4:10 am and we will be leaving soon for the hospital near Indianapolis. Sam is feeling good this morning. Surgery is at 8. I will let you know when we return.

Oh, I got an on-campus interview for the professor job. So excited and scared.

Updates to follow.

Christmas is coming...

Sam doesn't know about Christmas yet, and I suppose he won't really have the anticipation and excitement for Christmas morning for a while still, but I'm getting him primed for indulging in superficial consumerism from the get go. Well, it's not really that I WANT to do that, but I had to give in and buy a few new toys because he doesn't have many and now he's getting to the age where he really likes to mess with stuff. And it will be fun because he'll like playing with the wrapping paper and "opening" gifts. Anyway, we also wanted to take a Christmas photo to send to family and friends. His Aunt Sarah N. sent him these super-cute Christmas pajamas, so it was time to go over to Aunt Meg's to light a cozy fire and take some cute and some corny pictures. These were some good pics that won't be arriving to you by mail.



We are expecting the Erlewines to do Christmas here in Lafayette this year, but bad winter storms may prohibit some travel -- Michigan was just hit pretty hard. Tom and his girlfriend Jeanette are supposed to arrive TOMORROW so that's great. Haven't seen Jeanette in over a year and we don't get to see Tom too often. I should probably come up with some activities or something. Or at least buy some groceries, haha.

Tuesday is Sam's surgery. We have to leave at 5 and be there by 6:30. His surgery is at 8. Poor little guy.

With all this healthcare activity around me I decided I better FINALLY get myself a primary care physician just in case I get sick or something. So I went on Friday and I like my new doc. She's easy to talk to and helpful. I've been having some headaches lately which isn't normal for me. I described them and she said they sound like tension headaches. Basically told me how much Tylenol I can take, haha, so that wasn't that helpful, but I really think it's something that proper diet and sleep can prevent. And I'm not surprised I'm a little tense these days though. I also talked to her about how I've healed from Sam's birth because I was a little concerned. Turns out I have had some complications in healing so I will go back and see my regular obgyn after the holidays. Hopefully nothing serious. Sigh.

By next Wednesday, I should know whether I get an in-person interview for the Prof. job. I don't expect to hear from the library people until after the holidays. I will of course keep you informed. I haven't been applying for anything else, but will probably resume that once I hear more about these positions. It looks like I will be teaching a class for Purdue over the summer and I cashed out an old small IRA so I think we'll be able to squeak by until Fall. Could be a great chance for me to work on some art/design projects anyway. Yes, I'm ever the optimist.

All done...

Second interview (first for prof job) went a LOT better than the first. It was very short, they just asked me to describe how I met the requirements listed in the job description. Everyone was very nice and saying "great" and "thank you" all over the place. There is no reason based on this interview alone that I won't be invited for the next round of interviews. But nothing is ever quite as simple as that, is it.

Anyway the position is part of a new program they are working to develop in digital illustration. It will be manned by my prev. prof, the painter on the committee, and this new position. I think the main obstacle for me would be if there are other applicants who are accomplished illustrators, since I am not in my work nor training, specifically an illustrator. But that thinking is counterproductive. I can now focus on how I might go about developing a program in illustration so I can wow 'em with my brilliant ideas?

Anyway, it feels like a little success.

Tonight Aaron and I are going on a date. First date in, oh, about 5 months :D

One down, one to go...

First interview did not go as well as I'd hoped. So I don't think I'm going to get this job, and if I do, it's questionable as to whether I'd want it. Usually I think I can gauge whether I'll be offered a job by the interview -- if I feel good, I got it. If I don't, I didn't. I don't feel that good.

There were three people interviewing: prev. boss, department head, and new boss. Department head asked generic questions that I answered well, prev. boss highlighted the experience I'd had with them, new boss tried to point out my weaknesses and she succeeded. I could not lie and say that I had library experience I did not have. I could, however, probably have answered questions more effectively. She basically was like "I know you haven't had any workshops or classes in archival training or library studies, so you might not know the answer to this one, but I'm going to ask what two terms mean to you: 'jargon 1' 'jargon 2'" ... umm... all I could say is that, no I couldn't answer that without some prior research. Bomb. New boss CLEARLY would like a librarian in the job, and I am not a librarian. So I guess even if I were to get the job because old boss and department head were pulling for me, it might be a miserable work environment. She is probably resentful that she is in charge a position and gets to build a team but doesn't get to build it the way she thinks it should be done -- I can't blame her I guess. The funny thing is that the job is Digital Collections Coordinator and all of the descriptions are all about digital collections with one line about assisting researchers and processing collections...in the interview, new boss said "As you know from reading the job description, this job is 1/2 digitization 1/2 collection processing..." But it's not like you can correct the interviewer during the interview...

Sigh.

Time to rebuild the confidence for interview #2...

Surgery cost update...

I guess it's not polite to talk about such things, but they make health care costs so mysterious that I think public sharing of this info is important.

For this 10-minute outpatient operation, it will cost approximately:

$1557 for surgeon fees
$4100 for facility fees
$500 for anesthesiologist

Good thing we have some insurance. We expect insurance to cover 80% but we'll see. Nothing is ever a guarantee with this stuff. Other good thing is that the hospital does have a need-based program that relieves some or all of the expenses, based on debt/income ratios. With college debt and little income, I'm guessing we'll qualify, but we'll see. Guess we get through these things one step at a time. It all just makes me feel so sad and depressed. It makes me depressed that I have to worry about this at the same time I am worrying about the well-being of my son. It makes me sad that cost has to even enter into my thoughts on the matter. It makes me sad to imagine people in my financial situation who don't even have insurance.

Good and Bad

Tomorrow I have my interviews. 1:00 pm is the Library interview. That's schedule for an hour -- first half they ask me questions, second half I ask them questions. I'm certain we won't use the full time. The search/selection committee is my old boss, his boss, and then the "new" boss for this position. I know them all. Should be ok. I'm still scared. The second interview is at 4:40. The search committee is my old prof (art history), the head of the art school (music prof), a theatre prof, and a painter. It's only a 20 minute interview. I'm scared. I'm prepping my cheat sheets of strengths and weaknesses and ideal this and ideal that. I can get flustered easily at times, but I can also get into my pretty slick soapbox mode. So hopefully I will do a humble soapbox speech teachnique that allows me to speak clearly and eloquently and be oh-so-delightfully charming. Gag. Interviews suck. Wish me luck.

No one called me back to confirm the appointment with the surgeon. What is wrong with people?? So I called and sure enough it was scheduled, just no one called. Anyway, it's December 23rd at 8 am. We have to get there at 6:30 am, and it takes a little over an hour to get there. He can't eat after 4 am, but he can have clear liquids, which I learned meant pedialyte. I guess I will get some, because this guy still likes to eat every 3 hours or so, so I will want to have something there to fill his tummy if necessary. Haven't done a bottle in a while, so hopefully he still takes them. I'm still working to find out how much it will cost. I never finished filing for the state health insurance. So we are on Aaron's student insurance. It looks like it will cover 80% of the costs, so that's not too bad. I found out that the surgeon fees alone are $1557 for the 10 minute operation, but I don't yet know the facility fees. I left some message on some woman's answering machine and they are supposed to call me back. I don't have confidence that they will call back, however, so I imagine I'll be following up with that tomorrow. Oh, to be a mom.

I did an interview for the local paper for my new little plush guys. It was kind of an awkward interview and I think I had bad hair for the photo. Last time they took my photo my hair was really bad too. Oh well. Maybe it will become my thing. Plush art, bad hair. I can dig it.

Sam is doing well, though he is constipated. I took him off the vitamin and his digestion seemed better but now he seems constipated and I feel bad for him.

Sam is awesome.

5 months old

Here he is, five months old! FIVE MONTHS! Where has the time gone?

This time last year Sam was a growing in my belly -- my pants were starting to get tight and I was starting to feel pregnant even if no one else could see it. The semester was ending. I was exhausted. My morning sickness hit primarily at night, so my routines consisted primarily of school work, sleeping, and eating plain dry cereal like Cheerios.

Now a year later, I have a great big baby in my arms, one that wiggles like crazy because he's just getting so curious to touch and discover all of the world around him. Today he does not seem happy sitting still but doesn't have the ease of mobility to explore things around him without assistance -- must be really frustrating for him!

At five months old, Sam ...

• Has rolled over numerous times, both back to belly and belly to back, but isn't "rolling."
  
• Squeals and smiles with delight, but doesn't regularly laugh -- that's an extra special treat we see every once in a while.
• Likes to nap at least twice a day, once in the morning and once in the afternoon.
• Sometimes sleeps through the night. Sometimes wakes as much as every two hours.
• Sometimes falls asleep on his own with ease, sometimes he cries a while.
  
• Eats about every 3 hours, ranging 2.75-4 hours.
• Has really discovered his hands. This started this past month by reaching, tapping, scratching anything that was at the far reach of his arms. It was so amazing to watch this discovery of the world that began beyond his finger tips. He then started pinching and grabbing thin flexible things like blankets and fabric. Now he reaches for anything and everything he can and promptly brings it to his mouth.
• Has begun teething. I still see a white spot in his gum that seems pretty obviously the first emergence of a tooth. However, it seems to have halted, so I guess it will probably come in spurts and he might not really have his first tooth for 6+ months after all.
• Has really dry skin, but the Eucerin creme (applied day and night), bathing every 2-3 days, and using hands instead of baby wash cloth seems to have really cleared up the eczema. His cheeks remain pretty red a lot of the time though.
• Still has changing eye color and hair color. Guessing the hair will be golden/reddish blonde and the eyes blue of some nature -- don't know how blue, whether they will be more gray or more green or what.
• Has tried rice cereal and is starting to like it, but I have decided to wait another month before trying again.
• Is really strong, but can't sit up on his own yet.
• Likes standing when you hold his hands to help balance, and can even balance while propped against a low table or something, but he's not THAT stable. I think it must be hard to stand on those little chubby feet when he's got such excess chub. His little toes are always curled, trying to dig into the hardwood floor.
  
• Likes socializing and getting a change of scene.
• Likes bath time.
• Likes it when we sing to him.
• Laughs to Five Little Monkeys Jumping on the Bed.
• Gets a red unibrow when he gets worried or worked up.
• Loves blowing raspberries.
• Loves to play in the clean laundry.
  

And as the mother of a five-month old, I can now...

• Know when my son needs to eat or take a nap -- a learned skill, one that does not naturally appear when one becomes a mom.
• Can rock my baby to sleep when others can't.
• Breastfeed in a variety of situations, though I choose to always keep it private. I'm not bold enough for public nursing.
• Know how to make my son smile, squeal, and sometimes laugh.
• Take time to make art! though it's not a LOT of time...
  
• Take time to learn new things! though it's not a LOT of time...
• Take time to clean house! though it's not a LOT of time...
• Get out of the house pretty easily again, but now find that I am more comfortable in the house anyway.
  

I shall close with a note directly from Sam, who now likes to help me at the computer:

"j miukkSEAuytghfg"

exactly. couldn't have said it better myself.

The Knife.

Ugh. So Sam does in fact have a fistula and does in fact need surgery. Most likely he will have surgery on December 23 -- two weeks!! EEEEK!

On the plus side:

• Aaron and I both really liked the surgeon. He seems to really know what he's doing, is very forthright with information, and personable too.
• Sounds like it will be an easy operation that will only take about 10 minutes.
• Doc doesn't think the fistula is very deep and isn't very long -- not likely that it will even be in the muscle tissue.
• This is outpatient surgery so he will only be away from us for 45 minutes and will recover within a week. Just have to give sitz baths to keep the area nice and clean.

On the down side:

• My baby needs surgery!
• He will have to be put to sleep for the surgery. Eek. Eek. Eek.
• He will be away from us for 45 minutes during the operation.
• If the muscles are damaged or too much of the muscular tissue is removed, it could mean a lifetime of incontinence (doc says this is very rare).

The surgeon said that really this is not likely to be a birth defect, and was most likely formed from an abscess in the anus that worked it's way to the surface, creating the channel known as the fistula. He says that this one needs surgery because it seems like a very established channel has formed, since it continues to fill and release at such a rapid and consistent pace. Says it won't heal on its own and closing it up will make Sam feel better and will remove the possibility of further infection or abscess. Doc also said this is not likely to mean Crohn's disease and does not indicate an increased chance of further fistulotomies.

I can't escape feeling responsible. Was there something I could have done to prevent this? Will I always feel responsible for everything that happens to my son, even after he gains more autonomy? I kept my cool during the appointment, but I confess I cried a little on the way home. I wish I could put the feelings into words. Sam is my heart. It is unlike anything I have ever felt before. But he's not like my physical heart because I would sooner have something bad happen to my physical self than for anything bad to ever happen to any little part of him.

Surgery is scary. But I guess it is our best option. We will do what we can with the challenges that face us.


On a side note: I have two phone interviews to be scheduled for next week! For the library job AND THE PROF JOB!! Feel free to send happy interview thoughts my way, as well as wishes for Sam's operation.

OH! And Sam weighed in at 19 lbs 15 oz (clothed) and measured something like 26.5" long.

Not sold on solids

So Sam has been working on more firsts. He has rolled over! This has been going on for at least a week, so I apologize for the lack of update. But there is a funny thing about firsts -- you expect them to be huge and monumental -- and I guess they are, but it's such a gradual thing. I mean, he doesn't regularly roll over yet. He just CAN roll over. But he's getting more and more rolly so I imagine I'll have to prep myself for a mobile baby in the relatively near future.

Last night he was completely reaching for and wanting my dessert again, so I got him some rice cereal today to try his first meal!! I got the cameras out and everything, prepared to see my son delight in food on a spoon. And guess what? He would have none of it!! Not interested AT ALL. It may have just been bad timing (right after the food attempt he took a monster nap so he must have been pretty tired) but he may just not really be ready to move into the world of solid food yet. That's ok with me, he's not even 5 months old. Anyway, I'll try again in a couple of days and will try it at a better time...

Everything else seems pretty status quo. Sometimes sleeps great, sometimes not. His fistula (or whatever it is) hasn't changed -- still sometimes seems to fill with pus and then drain, so we'll see the doctor on the 9th. His skin is really really dry. Currently trying Eucerin creme. I have been bathing him 3 or 4 times a week, so I will cut back to 2 or 3. Poor dry skin.

Also I found some mom groups on meetup.com but I'm not sure I really have the guts to go to some stranger's house to hang out with a bunch of strangers and their strange babies. Hmm.

Here are some cute pics of Sam with Ingrid. She is moving back home to Arizona in a few weeks and will be greatly missed!!

Thanksgiving

So our trip to Michigan was a success! Sam slept a lot for both car trips, and had limited crying fits. The things is his cries now are WAY bigger than they used to be, but we're getting accustomed to the new big voice.

We had a chance to tour the baby around and see a lot of family who I hadn't seen in a long time, so that was nice. (FYI to you Erlewines out there -- we are talking of a family reunion next summer. Consult your schedules and hopefully we can come up with something. Rumor has it it will be in Big Rapids?) Sam also had what might have been his biggest crying fit ever during our second night in Big Rapids, and he woke up every two hours at least, crying. I just nursed him basically whenever he awoke because I didn't see the point in trying to "sleep train" while in a strange place after having messed with his regular sleep schedule (including naps). By our last night there he was sleeping MUCH better. So far tonight he has gone to bed early and is sleeping well in his own bed, so that's good. I, like Sam, am exhausted from our journey and will be going to bed really early tonight too.

A few discoveries on our trip:

• Nursing in the car was not nearly as difficult or awkward as I had feared!

• Sam might be ready to start solids! I told myself that I would watch his cues instead of picking an arbitrary age for when to start the foray into more-than-milk. One HILARIOUS moment was when Sam was in his papa's arms and I was sitting next to them eating a piece of pumpkin pie. Sam was ENTRANCED with that pie, reaching out for it and carefully studying each bite moving from my plate to my mouth, complete with mock chewing. It was so cute! He did it again later when his dad was eating a KitKat (Sam knows the good stuff) and when I was eating some broccoli too. I'm guessing this big boy of mine will be a good eater.
  
  
• Thanks for all of your comments on the vitamin/baby poo topic. I decided to take a break from the Tri Vi Sol w/iron for a bit and see how that changed things. Things remained pretty fluid for the next day or two, but changed color and odor, and today the stool seems to be back to how it was pre Tri Vi Sol w/ iron, so I think it is indeed the iron doing it (and it did also cause some diaper rash, but nothing that seemed to bother Sam much -- what do you Mom's like for diaper rash? The Burts Bees cream seems pretty good, I got some vasaline but that doesn't seem to help much...I hated the storebrand Desitin I tried...). I might get the Tri Vi Sol without iron, that way he can still get the extra AD&E...what do you think? (I'll ask the doc too).
  

So what am I thankful for this year? Though I continually find things to complain about, and I certainly could fill another blog about the struggles my family and I are currently facing, it is good for me to take a moment to look at the positive. Though it probably goes without saying, I am so wholly and completely thankful for the birth of my amazing son Samuel. He is far more than I could ever have imagined and puts everything else in my life into perspective. I am thankful for my supportive, loving, talented husband, and I am thankful that he has returned to school and gets to spend time doing his art again. I am thankful that out of all the places in the world my sister Meg could have moved to, she chose to move right next door to me to share her life with her nephew. I am thankful to all of you who read this haphazard blog full of mundane thoughts composed of run-on sentences, grammatical errors, and whatever else happens when I spout off a bunch of ramblings during my free moments. It means so much to have a little network of moms out there who can give me encouragement and support when I'm feeling unsure, and it's really cool to feel reunited with my cousins through the birth of this next generation. There is a lot more that I am thankful for, but I think I'll call it a night.

Appointment with Surgeon.

Ok, so I called the doc's office and basically it sounded as if no one made the appointment. Thanks guys! Anyway they said they'd make an appointment and call me back. They did within a few hours, only to find out that the date/time they picked wouldn't work for us. So then they gave me the direct number to schedule for myself. Geez, couldn't they have done that in the first place??

Anyway, we will see one of the surgeons from the Riley Children's Hospital on Tuesday Dec 9.

Sam is having a hard day. I am more and more suspecting teething. No fever, though I sort of suck at taking temperatures. He cries a lot and it's hard to keep the thermometer and place and often it ends up below temp which makes me suspicious. My friend got me one of those 1 second ear ones, but I'm a little scared I'll hurt his ear or something. I tried it though and I didn't seem to bother his ear and it was fast and seemed pretty good. I also did the under arm. Both were just about normal body temp, if not low, he isn't flush, his head isn't hot -- I don't think there is a fever. But he gets really upset and has crying spells, which just isn't usual for him. I even think today that the tooth has emerged more, but it's so slight and difficult to see that it could be in my head. Anyway, we'll just have to wait and see.

Another thing that has got me worrying today is diarrhea. Poop talk becomes VERY common for new parents. Here are details that may not be appealing...Sam has always had frequent stools. They eventually slowed around 3 mos or so, to one thicker monster poo per day. Then I think around the time of the first fistula (or whatever it is) "popping" he started having more frequent runnier stools. At this time he also switched from the Tri Vi Sol vitamin to the Tri Vi Sol vitamin with iron. His poo changed color and odor too. I attributed this to the iron, and I'm like 99% sure it is indeed the iron. He started going like 6-8 times a day again I think. He has kept with that pretty steady for weeks now. But often the stools are darker in color and much more watery than they used to be -- before they were curdy and seedy like breast milk poo is supposed to be. Yes, all you new to baby poo, it is a whole world of textures, colors, odors, frequency, and quantity -- oh joy! Anyway, I had read somewhere early on (probably when his poo was sort of green as opposed to yellow) that you shouldn't worry about your baby's poo because it changes soooo much and most of it is really normal. If they start pooping more than once per feeding, THEN it might be diarrhea. Well today, all my reading indicates that watery poo IS in fact diarrhea. So I think he's been having diarrhea for like a couple of weeks! Is it time to call the doctor? He doesn't have any other sick symptoms, apart from the teething symptoms. AND THEN I ready that diarrhea can be a symptom of teething from swallowing excess drool OR from putting so many new things in their mouth that they get bad bacteria.

I dunno. All this just raises a mom's alert level. But I'm thinking that the diarrhea isn't a problem, right? I mean, I don't KNOW that it's diarrhea, I just know it's very runny watery poo. He's eating normally and urinating normally and he continues to grow and be happy so I know he isn't dehydrated. He seems cranky and uncomfortable, but other than that he just doesn't seem sick at all. He isn't progressing, he doesn't have fever, and when he's upset he can be distracted by things like making faces in the mirror...

What do you moms think? Time to call the doctor? Or wait for real warning signs?

Sleep.

Is he sleeping through the night?
The question feels like a judgment call. If he's not, then you MUST be doing something wrong. If he is, then you have the ever coveted "good baby".

So does Sam sleep through the night? I don't know. Sometimes. Sort of??
Sam "should" be sleeping through the night. After all, he has apparently reached the size and age where nighttime feedings are no longer necessary. Therefore, he should sleep through the night. The end. Really?

First, I don't actually know what "sleeping through the night" means. I asked the last doc we saw and he sorta made it sound like I was stupid for asking, like I was looking for a magic number of hours or something. But really, if you are trying to figure out the sleep routine and, dare I say, "sleep train" your child, how are you to know when to feed and when not to?

So I guess I have to take a step back and talk about Sam and his sleep.

Sam has always been a good sleeper. He takes naps and he sleeps at night. From very early on he liked to get long stretches of sleep at night -- he would wake to feed, but easily go right back to sleep. He did not think it was play time, just business -- food and sleep (a man after my own heart!!). One magical night around 3 months, he didn't wake up to eat. He just slept through the night. I was shocked and happy that it happened so naturally. Never did it happen again.

In the early days, Sam slept mostly in his crib, then I got more comfortable having him in bed with us, and then it sort of got to where he was in bed with us every night. I got to like it. He is my baby and I like being close. It also made nighttime feeding easier. Aaron and I do not have a regular routine. I'm not working (outside the home) and Aaron is in school and doesn't have to get up in the mornings. Parents without routine = baby without routine. I would watch Sam for queues as to when he was sleepy and ready for bed. Some of them are very obvious -- nodding off, rubbing his eyes, yawning. But a lot of times I don't notice until it is "too late" -- he starts to get really fussy or whining. It's harder for him to go to sleep like that. Sometimes he "crosses over to the dark side" and the fussiness turns into outright crying. At that point I would lie down in bed with him, hold his hand, snuggle close, and sing until he fell asleep.

Once he was a sleep, he would give like a four-hour stretch, followed by a three-hour stretch, then some more sleep after that. It was ok, but it wasn't progressing, and it was getting more and more to where I had to lie down and comfort him to sleep. I think it was because he was getting increasingly aware of his surroundings and would get too stimulated by things to fall asleep on his own, but I don't know.

I was never very unhappy with our sleep routines. Some days Sam got up earlier than I wanted. Some nights I had harder time getting back to sleep than others. But that is life, baby or no baby.

Anyway, then we went to the doctor and they said we should let him learn to "self-soothe" and that he did not need to eat during the night for any nutritional purpose. So, we decided to make the move. We had been planning to move Sam to his own room at some point. We just didn't know what the some point was. I was thinking it would be once Sam slept through the night. But then with the doctor's suggestion and other reading I'd done about how baby slept better in their own room, I figured we should go for it. Plus it's fun to set up Sam's room -- Sam's room!! It sounds so fun!!

I tried to start a bedtime of around 9:00. But Sam got tired earlier, so it became around 8 or 8:30. We would do a nighttime bath, change, and go to sleep. He then would wake an hour later, I would feed him, and he'd go to sleep. Aaron has been staying up until ungodly hours working on school stuff, so he would check on Sam if he started to stir and offer the pacifier or other comforts and Sam happily drifted back to sleep. He would then wake around 5 or 6 and I would get him and feed him and bring him to bed. This was our new routine as of like last week.

When I would put him to bed, half the time it would be hardly any issue, the other half we basically tried cry-it-out. Now, fuss-it-out was something that came naturally to us. Sometimes, particularly during the day, Sam would just be tired and super fussy so I would lay him down in his play pen and leave him alone. He would kind of kick and make little noises until he drifted to sleep within just a few minutes. Crying it out is difficult no matter how you came to doing it. Sometimes, you have no choice. You are at your wits end and you can't easily comfort the baby in your arms without screaming yourself, so you let him lie down and you take a breather. Sometimes, baby falls asleep during this. Sometimes he doesn't. I did consciously try to let him cry it out a few times. Tonight being one of them. I would leave him in his crib, he would begin to cry. I would wait a few minutes (arbitrary, not timed) and go comfort him, then leave again. He would cry for a few minutes. I would go comfort, then leave again. He would cry for like two minutes and then just stop. He had drifted to sleep. Probably not crying more than 15 minutes. So, I guess it worked right?

Anyway, I guess we are up to speed. So I'm writing this all out because I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do. Wait, yes I am. I'm SUPPOSED to stop worrying about all this stuff and just listen to my son and my gut and do what makes sense to us. Why is this so hard? Why do I constantly wonder how that baby sleeps and that other baby. Why do I keep wondering that if my baby isn't sleeping the way he's "supposed" to, I am doing something wrong? It's absurd the schools of thought that go to the extremes. I refuse to believe that if my child is crying and I'm not holding him or providing physical comfort, that he will lose faith in me and his fellow man. That seems very extreme to me -- what about all of the love and affection we share during the other 23 hours of the day? And I seriously question the notion of forcing a baby on to a strict day/night sleep routine, but I'm torn. I mean, without having a routine I enjoy sleeping during night and day, but I like being able to follow my body and sleep when I'm tired. Sometimes that's 10 pm, sometimes it's midnight, and so on. Wouldn't my baby be the same way? But there is always a question about instilling habits and routine, and at some point they are inevitable. But at 4 1/2 months?

Anyway I could probably go on and on. Really this was just inspired by trying to put my son to bed tonight. I gave him a bath (which I can't do every night because he gets really dry skin. So far aquaphor healing ointment seems really good -- opinions?) and got him ready for bed. Let him sit in his vibrating boppy and relax. But as soon as I put him in his crib he started crying. Now, he has started to really like his crib and fall asleep there easiest of all places. But not tonight. Took me a long time to realize that a frozen teething toy made him feel better, if only for a moment.

Anyway, this post has been interrupted by me doing a myriad of different projects, and also comforting my little one. I finally laid him down in our bed and let him play with my hair and he fell asleep. OH YEAH that's one of the super cute new things. He loves hair. During play time this can be rough because he had a good grip and likes to pull, but during sleepy time he gently runs his fingers through your hair. One of the sweetest things ever. Anyway, what I mean to say is that I've sort of lost my train of thought.

But what I do know is that I need to stop worrying about all the shouldas, and just do what works for us. We will inevitably not make the best choices all of the time. But we will work with it and it will be ok. And he is a happy, healthy, growing boy so something is working out. Plus it may really be teething pain that makes some nights difficult. We'll just have to see. So far the little white spot in his gums isn't growing and isn't necessarily obviously a tooth. But it sort of seems like all signs point to tooth. We'll see though.

Tomorrow I'll call the doc about the appointment with the surgeon, since i haven't heard anything. And then Tuesday Sam has his first road trip. We are going up to visit Dad for Thanksgiving. I hope it goes well! I'm a little nervous and feel like I'll be packing absolutely all of Sam's belongings for the trip, haha.

And if you made it through this long post, you deserve some new Sam photos:

Tooth?

So the past two days Sam has been Mr. Fussy, and that's not like him. He also started sucking in his bottom lip and chomping on everything. Could this be his first tooth?? He is only four months old, but that's not that abnormal I guess. I think lots of parents think the first tooth is coming when really it's still a long way off, so that might be the case here. BUT I think I see a little white spot on his gums -- could this be the tooth (hard to see because fussy baby does not want Mom pulling at his lips)?? Also, he totally is enjoying chomping on cold washcloths and cold teething toys and was screaming bloody murder at bed time tonight. So exciting. I hope this is a tooth coming in! Can't wait to see a goofy little tooth in there.

Oh, and still no call about the appointment with the surgeon, so I'll call them next week and see what's up. The lump is doing what it does -- fills with stuff, then it empties, and so on.

And bonus -- I can fit into all my pre-pregnancy jeans. Yipee!

No news is not good news.

Well the new doc was fine. He couldn't say what it was either and affirmed with our regular doc's opinions/course of action. So he has given the referral. We will see a surgeon from the Riley Children's Hospital. They send someone up to Lafayette now because they are part of the Clarian health system or something and we have a new hospital up here, so we may be able to see the surgeon here in L-town. If not, we'll drive down to Indy. Doc said that yes it could be a fistula but he simply couldn't say and had not seen one that looked like that before, but that it made sense to be a fistula. So I guess pediatricians really just don't deal with this sort of thing. Will be good to see the surgeon. They will call us with an appointment. I don't know when it will be, but today's doc confirmed this didn't seem like a rush or emergency sort of thing. I will let you know when we know more.

Also, we have moved Sam into his own room. Or rather we moved out of what is now his room. I'm trying hard to stick to a nighttime routine and we are trying to skip his 3 am feeding. I call it a 3 am feeding though he doesn't really have the same schedule everyday, but it seems it is OFTEN a 3 am feeding. Anyway, the first two nights we had to offer pacifier instead and he went to sleep without a hitch. Last night he didn't wake to feed. Maybe the doctor was right and that he isn't actually in need of food at that time. So last night he slept 10 pm-5 am without waking. Or if he did wake he got himself back to sleep without any fussing that we noticed. Maybe sleeping through the night isn't some magical thing but something that just happens if you have all of your pieces in place. I was realizing that we were probably waking Sam some of the times and I was just automatically feeding because that's what I thought I was supposed to do. The boy does not seem in need of food even with skipping this feeding so I think we might be on the right track. For the early morning feed, though, I do still bring him to bed because I like my cuddle time with the little guy. OH and those of you with cold-weather babies -- how do you keep them warm enough at night? He's fine in bed with us, but in his crib his hands always seem cold. And you can't use too many blankets. Hmmm...

Called the doctor.

So I called the doctor this am and my doc is out for the week and she didn't leave any instructions in Sam's chart, just a note that she looked at the lump (or divot, as it looked like on Thursday). So we are going to see another doctor tomorrow at 8:30 am. I'm a little curious to see if we like another doctor more than our current one, so this may be good for that too. We'll see. I'll let you know what he says.

Last I checked the white puss had drained and it is just a very slight pink lump.

I'm currently getting more and more worked up about the idea of surgery but this hasn't even officially been diagnosed as anything yet so I should try to keep my worries in check. But if it IS a fistula and if they DO need to cut it out, they COULD POSSIBLY remove too much of the sphincter making him INCONTINENT. Ugh. That's just tragic for me to imagine.....I hope my little guy is ok. It's amazing how quickly your children become your heart and soul.

It's back.

So the lump promptly returned. Looks different this time, like a giant white head. I am very confident in the diagnosis of fistula.

A fistula is a passageway between two parts of the body that shouldn't be there. It's a fairly common birth defect and can happen anywhere I guess. The idea of fistula really make sense to me, because looking at this "lump" in it's various stages I can totally imagine a tiny narrow channel somehow running from the rectum to this place in his skin; it can fill with tiny bits of pus or blood, etc. It fills and then opens and the stuff comes out, only to refill again. This link explains it pretty well: http://www.merck.com/mmhe/sec09/ch130/ch130e.html

I will call the doctor on Monday to let her know. Again, what she said was that if it refilled I was to call her. At that point she will refer us to the specialists at the Riley Children's Hospital in Indianapolis. My doc said that if it was a fistula they would have to remove it. That means surgery, but I don't really know what exactly would be involved. The link above suggests there are different ways of dealing with it. So I guess we'll just call the doctor on Monday and take it from there.

Eeeek. I guess this proves that when something looks abnormal it's always worth getting it checked out. Mother's hunches are probably pretty good.

4 month Doc Visit

Got back from the doc. She was like an hour late so we were there forever. Sam was tired and cranky, plus he had to get shots so it wasn't the happiest doc visit.

But he's doing great! Weighed in at 18lbs 8oz, 96th percentile. He is also 78th percentile for length and 79th percentile for head circumference.

Told her about the lump near his rectum. She still can't say for sure what it was/is, but says that it is probably going to heal over and won't be an issue again. BUT if it does swell up again, we should let her know and she'll refer us to the children's hospital in Indianapolis. It may be a fistula that we would probably want to remove. So I feel good because I too think it isn't much of anything but wanted her to take it seriously, and that's how I feel she's treating it.

We are opting to hold out on introducing solids. Maybe next month, or wait until 6 months, as recommended by the AAP. There are some cues they say to look for that indicate your baby might be ready, and Sam is only just starting to exhibit some of them.

He is right on schedule with his physical development -- reaching, grabbing, lifting his chest, rolling back to side. She didn't seem at all worried that he isn't rolling over from tummy to back, but said I should just keep giving him a lot of tummy time and soon there will be something he wants to reach for and he'll make the move. If I think of it that way, then I really think he's right on track because he's only really started to discover the world outside of him in the past week or two. He now grabs at all sorts of things and likes to hit walls and pillows and whatever is at the far reach of his arm -- he's learning boundaries, it's cool.

Doc also suggested we really stick to a nighttime routine and go ahead and move him to his own room now. Aaron and I don't hold a real regular routine, so we haven't really kept Sam to one either. And actually the idea of moving him to his own room and making him sleep in his crib makes me a little sad but I think I agree with her. Sam pretty much sleeps in our bed every night now. Sometimes he starts in his crib, but at his first wake I bring him to the bed to nurse and he stays there. But the doc said that at this point he doesn't need feedings at night for any nutritional reason, so even if he wakes I shouldn't automatically feed, which of course I'd been doing because I get back to sleep faster! My thinking is we can get his bedroom setup and I can try leaving him in their at night. If he really cries I will hear him and come to his aid, otherwise if he's just waking and rustling about I will let him get back to sleep on his own. We'll see how it goes!

I guess that's all the Sam news for now. I'm sure I'll have more pictures again soon.

Rainy day.

Four Months Old!!

Happy Birthday Sam!!

In non-birthday news:

So. I don't have a job after all! The flexible schedule turns out to be the option of working 8:30-5:30 instead of the normal 7:45-4:45. I guess my potential new boss thought things could be more flexible than they really can be, because I'm sure when she said I'd be able to work around my husband's teaching schedule, she didn't think he'd be done by 8:30 in the morning. SO, I turned down the job.

Right move?

I dunno.

I guess so. I shouldn't think that was my best and only option when I've only just begun my job search. It wasn't exactly what I wanted to be doing, the pay was bad, the atmosphere was undesirable, they couldn't be flexible with scheduling, and there was no upward mobility.

But what if I don't get another job?

Today's plan: Temp. Check out temp agencies and substitute teaching. Something to bring in some money but not tie me down to something I don't want to be doing. And hell, maybe something good will come along. And if it doesn't. PHARMACY. oh yeah.

Another Post.

Hey. Just thought I'd post a blog. Not much to say it seems.

I accepted the position. They can't increase the pay at all so it really is nothing great. They seem to be willing to be flexible with scheduling though, have a lactation space in the women's restroom...I really should have no real complaints. I have suggested a start date of December 15, because that's the Monday after Aaron's semester ends, and the job has to start on a Monday. We'll see if that's agreeable.

Still no word from the library, and that could be a couple of weeks yet. Then it's the holidays. So who knows what's up with that. At this point I hope they offer it to me and then I get something better and can quit. Yes, I'm spiteful. But I'll get over it.

My application for the professor job is almost all together, so I should be able to get that in the mail by Tuesday, as I had hoped. I still need to finish my Teaching Philosophy and Artist Statement, but they didn't ask for those. I want to have them ready in case, though. Plus I found this fellowship at the local community college that I want to apply for, and they want to see teaching philosophy and statement. Both of these jobs would begin next fall, and I am sure there are many many applicants. But oh well. I'll try anyway.

I'm feeling more optimistic because I have slightly absurd plan in mind that makes me feel better. I am gonna try to find some decent work for the next couple of years, but if I'm stuck in go nowhere cubicle land, I think I'll pursue pharmacy. What the hell. If I'm going to do monotonous work, might as well pay well. I don't yet know whether my mind can do science and math anymore, but I think I'll get some text books from the library and give it a shot. Seriously, going to school for pharmacy would cost a TON more money and mean a TON more debt. But the job security and sizable salary means I'd actually get OUT of debt, even after more than doubling my current debt. I can't say the same for my current job prospects. Yes. It's a plan. As absurd as it might sound. I'm not rushing into anything so I might as well dream.

And let's hear it for the boy!
Not a lot of news with Sam. He's doing well. Goes to the doc on Thursday. Tomorrow he is FOUR MONTHS OLD!!
He is doing great on tummy time, but no rolling over for this kid. He does like to roll on to his side from his back, but that's all the rolling we get. He makes lotsa great noises. His new favorite things to do are blow raspberries with lots and lots of spit, and he gets all squealy when I'm folding laundry and lightly float the clean clothes over his little head. He loves it. So cute. And I get to get some chores done WHILE playing with the boy. It's a win win. I think his growing has slowed, but he's still a cute little chubber. When I see other babies out in public, they always look smaller and older than our monster boy. He's really strong, and does great at standing (while being held upright, of course) and can even sort of sit unassisted for very short bits of time.

Here are some pics and videos! Enjoy!

Naked Baby!!

From Halloween!! He was sort of a giraffe. I made him the hood like 1 1/2 hours before we went to Ingrid's. Fun Times! (Sorry, these are the best photos we got!)