pump it up

The pumping has begun. I have pumped about 6 oz today after two pumpings with Medela PIS. I rather like the pump. It sure is strange and it sort of makes me laugh to use it, but I feel really optimistic about the possibilities. I have not yet put a bottle to Sam's lips, and I'm not quite sure when I'll be ready to take the plunge, but I feel good about getting used to the pump and storing up a backup of milk. I am still using the Milkmaid Tea so that I can pump this extra milk after feeding Sam at the breast. I did realize that I feel like I don't have milk if my breasts don't feel heavy and I guess that's not how it works. Once your body figures out how much milk your baby is taking, it doesn't create that oversupply so you might feel "empty". Oi, this breastfeeding stuff is just too complicated sometimes! But I also feel like Sam gets impatient if I'm not overflowing with milk, and I think now that that's when he cries or fusses at the breast. He got so used to my engorged breasts which caused shallow latch but fast let down, so when the milk ain't pouring out, he gets a little perturbed. But again, I could be wrong.

So it's clear that feeding my child remains the primary thing on my mind, but there are other things worth mentioning too... here is a rundown of recent concerns/thoughts/discoveries in no particular order...

Swing. We have Fisher-Price Take-Along baby swing (thanks Stephanie!!). Sam likes it!! It works! Not all the time, but it does seem to be a decent substitute pair of rocking arms, so that's nice. The weird part? I feel strangely guilty about leaving him in there. Aaron and I joked about handing the baby over to the robot for parenting. Shouldn't those be my arms rocking him to sleep? Ahh, maternal guilt has many forms.

Baby Carriers. As mentioned in my previous post, I've ordered another baby sling/carrier. I am still preoccupied with this because the new one hasn't arrived and I'm anxious to be able to go for walks easily with my little one. Of course, to do anything easily with my little one requires time, patience, and practice. I also am just really hoping it isn't a big waste of money. Hmm.

Breastfeeding. A woman could go crazy researching breastfeeding stuff. At one moment I'm paranoid about oversupply and/or fast ejection, then I'm concerned I don't have enough or that it moves too slow and my son may become an "apathetic nurser". I read a couple of sites about what your baby is trying to tell you at the breast and I just became a wreck. (PAMF site and MOBI motherhood.) It's not that these sites don't have useful information, but man, it's so easy to jump from one worry to the next. Basically, I feel like they are all big warning signs -- if things are not perfect in our breastfeeding, then we are doomed to fail. Even if he's gaining weight well, getting some nice chub, and filling plenty of diapers, if our latch is not right, if my flow is not right, we will eventually fail. I feel an overwhelming inevitability of doom.

Meanwhile, we are doing pretty well at our feeding, I think. But last night and this morning, Sam's latch was no good. It didn't hurt, thankfully, and I'm sure he got his milk, but it was more shallow than normal. Not sure if it was from overly full breasts (he had a long sleep session and I've been drinking the Milkmaid tea), or if it was from pacifier use or what. But again, my mind spins into worry.

Sounds. Babies make lots of noise. I remember a friend of mine who gave birth a year and a half ago mentioned moving her baby to a baby room pretty early on because she just couldn't sleep because of all the baby noises. She said it sounded like an animal, ha ha, growling or something. Anyway, I have been fascinated by Sam's sighs and little wimpers and things, even his cries, as I am so excited to hear his voice. But the other morning he was having problems coughing and wheezing. I was so freaked out. I was ready to run to urgent care. Aaron said let's keep an eye on it. I held him upright for a bit, sang him to sleep, and he was fine.

On a different type of sound note (no pun intended), our other friend Stephanie got us this silly Ramones Lullaby CD (Rockabye Baby series) and Sam loves it and Aaron and I get a kick out of it too. I think I might have to get a few more tracks...

Diapers. We are tearing through them and I feel really guilty about the amount of waste. We need to switch to the cloth ones, but haven't yet. Sam has basically outgrown the newborn size! So we are on to size 1. Maybe I will try some cloth ones out today. The grand experiment! We need to get more, but I suppose even if it simply cuts into our disposable use, that helps.

Sleep. Sleep is the center of life now. Getting baby to sleep, getting myself to sleep, hoping Aaron gets some sleep too. I'm a good napper and fall asleep pretty easily, and I'm sleeping frequently but really, the body operates entirely differently on eight hours of sleep that happens in two-hour chunks as opposed to a solid eight hours, or maybe even two four hour bits. I thought with my pregnant bladder I was getting used to it, and in some ways I guess I was, but getting up to use the bathroom is very different than getting up to change diaper, feed, and burp. Sometimes I'm cranky and resentful.

I also get completely neurotic if I haven't slept. That is usually when I start to spin into the web of worry -- like not having enough milk, etc. I simply cannot look at things objectively. I'm absolutely certain that something is seriously wrong, I must investigate it non-stop, and I must find a solution even though in my state of worry I know that there is no solution because I'm ultimately doomed. So I need to make sure I get sleep, even if it means frequent naps.

But here's the thing -- it's annoying to see your life become just about food and sleep! Alright, fair enough, sleep and eating were pretty important to me pre-baby, but now it's all it is sometimes. My life is just about survival, in a really boring sort of way. I guess this will change.

Pacifier. So babies like to suck. I read somewhere that babies don't use the breast as a pacifier, but I'm not convinced. Yesterday I laid down to nurse Sam and dozed off. Nearly an hour later I awoke and he was still casually sucking away, doing the "non-nutritive suck" without swallowing or anything. Geez man! How can you suck for an hour and then need to eat an hour after that? Not fair, says mom. Anyway, the truth is babies need to suck and it calms them down. Enter: the pacifier. I was against pacifiers simply because I thought I was supposed to be. Then one early fussy night we realized -- hey! the pacifier works!! And experts now claim that letting the baby sleep with a pacifier helps against SIDS. But experts also say that it interferes with nursing (can contribute to shallow latch or nipple confusion). What's a mom to do? Well we try not to rely on the pacifier and go to other means first, but sometimes all Sam needs is to have that (or my breast) presented to him, he sucks for a short moment, and he's off to sleepy land. They say you cannot spoil a newborn, and sucking is a natural comforting reflex for them, so I am not supposed to discourage that right? And I was wondering today with the shallow latch problem if it was the pacifier keeping Sam from opening nice and wide and taking in a big ol' mouthful. Sigh.

Pump. So you know what? I like pumping. I don't have problems getting a few ounces (I read that breastfed babies will usually take 2-3 oz per feeding) and it's very fast and efficient. People complain about the extra work that pumping provides, but I don't know if I'll feel that way. It's true that right now I'm still exclusively nursing Sam at the breast and I'm using the pump to build up a little store of milk, so that makes it feel like a bit more work, and it's also true that I'm not feeding him from the bottle yet, but I sorta think this seems more convenient. We'll see if I change my tune once I finally introduce the bottle.

Pumping is a whole other world of worry though. Breastfeeding advocates can't understand why you would choose to exclusively pump unless you have a sound medical reason you cannot feed at the breast, and this makes me feel sort of weird if I do choose this option. I have also read that many moms who end up pumping cannot keep up their milk supply and eventually wean and go to formula. I don't want to do this.

But it introduces more questions, like why I want or don't want to do some of these things. Some of it is obvious, but some not so obvious. So, here's an example. I still feel guilty and weird about getting the epidural during the birth. But why? I mean, I was talking to my friend and said how I hadn't wanted to get pain medicine, and he asked me why. And I realized I couldn't answer him. I simply had it ingrained in my head that no medicine is the RIGHT way, the NATURAL way, the SUPERIOR way. Now, don't get me wrong, there are advantages to not using meds (taking any medicines can introduce possible side effects or complications, etc) but the main reason I think I didn't want to get the epidural was because I wanted to be tough; I wanted to prove to myself and to others that I was capable of it because somewhere in my head I believed it to be the better way of birthing.

Breastfeeding is similar... When I got pregnant I knew I wanted to breastfeed, it just made sense to me -- that's what we have those things for after all. I went to a class on breastfeeding and read a lot about it, and people would congratulate you for choosing to breastfeed. Well that's cool, but is it really such a rare thing? Why would a woman choose NOT to breastfeed? Ha ha. I was so naive. Now sometimes wonder why anyone breastfeeds and I wonder how the human race has lasted as long as it has! I am exaggerating, of course, but with all of this information out there describing how hard it is and how many things can go wrong. Extreme pain, chapping, engorgement, low supply, over supply, slow flow, fast flow, poor latch, nipple confusion, feeding on demand, etc. etc. etc., I start to see why women sought alternatives. There is, of course, a surplus of advantage to breastfeeding (health benefits to child, cost, no bottles and parts to clean and maintain, perfect temperature, readily available [theoretically]) but there are advantages to bottle feeding, too, and if bottle feeding your breastmilk provides the health benefits with the advantages of bottles, then maybe it isn't a shameful choice, right? I mean, people warn you about how once a bottle is introduced, often the baby prefers the bottle. If they prefer the bottle, perhaps the bottle is superior! Yet, I cannot escape this faulty reasoning, as I may prefer to eat just chocolate, but that does not make it the superior meal. All I mean to be getting at is that these questions and issues can be overwhelming. I know that, like the epidural, part of me will feel guilt if I feed from something other than the breast. What I'm trying to figure out is if that guilt is really founded in anything or not. I mean, I think you can even feed both breast milk and formula and get the health benefits of breast milk and some of the advantages (stay fuller longer, sleep longer, bottle/portability) of formula too.

Anyway, I think I could go on in several more paragraphs, but I've already been in and out of this post several times so I think I'll sign off and try to eat some lunch before the little one needs me again.


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