7 weeks!

Sam is 7 weeks old today! And we've had another pretty calm and comfy day. Today we went to visit Esteban y Juan at the gallery where Esteban is setting up his MFA show. Sam was wearing his sweet Jordans that Juan & Sara bought him. Sam's first time wearing shoes! And first time wearing a collared shirt. He was so suave and a little gangsta too.



Then we went to the park for just a few minutes. Aaron and I were actually really tired and the IDEA of the park was more appealing than the actual visit to the park. But at least I had some great natural light for photos of our big guy!

In other news, the new cotton bumGenius diapers arrived and he's trying them out as I type. I like the idea of the cotton but I am curious to see how I'll like them in practice. They sure take FOREVER to dry and we don't have a clothes line. We'll see.

mr. cute guy

things are going well here! sam and i have had two good days of communication -- nice rhythms of feed, change, play, sleep, play -- it seems like a good cycle to me. sometimes it's every two hours, sometimes three -- and YES sometimes four! if he is on a four hour stretch that means i probably have 2+ hours to myself. WOW! yesterday these four-hour stretches got me worried because it seemed like sam was sleeping all day! and then i of course worry if he's eating enough, ha ha. the kid fill so many diapers and continues to pack on the cute baby chub so i really need to stop worrying about this! but i don't really think sam was sleeping all day, i think instead sam was NOT FUSSING all day. i am sure fussy times will return, but i am gaining confidence that there can be additional aspects to my life that are not calming baby, changing baby, feeding baby, burping baby, so that feels kind of nice.

saturday we begin another stretch of visitors. sam's great grandma nemec will be visiting with sam's other aunt sarah for the holiday weekend, and a couple of days after that sam gets to meet his grandma who will be here for about a week i think. it will be nice for sam to get to meet more of his relatives (or maybe nice for his relatives to meet him...well both i suppose!). neat!

transitions

Let's see, Sam is over 6 weeks old, Aaron starts school today, and I went for my post-partum checkup. I think we are now attempting to transition in to this next mini chapter in our lives! Will we finally derive some *gulp* routines?? I'm not counting my chickens yet, but things are feeling so much more familiar for Sam and I that I think something of a routine might not be far off.

Some updates:

Breastfeeding...
Ok, this remains a prominent topic in our lives. We really have the hang of it -- for the most part. We still have times (particularly middle of the night sleepy times) when the latch really is not very good and I get some pain. I just think we're tired. But most of the time things have been working really smoothly UNTIL yesterday. Sigh. I should note that I haven't been drinking the milk tea and haven't been pumping because I realized that we weren't likely to use all the extra milk and I shouldn't be telling my body to be creating so much more than it needs. I noticed late yesterday afternoon that my right breast just doesn't seem to "fill up" like it used to. Well, this could be a good thing. It could mean my body has regulated its milk production to create only what he needs and not a whole lot more (http://www.kellymom.com/bf/supply/breast-fullness.html). But what weirds me out is it's one side, not both. So, I am trying to balance them out -- increasing feeding on the right and even doing some pumping to tell my body to make more. We'll see how it goes. Even though I now worry AGAIN whether my little one is getting enough to eat, all I have to do is look at his happy face, extra chin(s), and chubby limbs to know this kid is doing ok on mama's milk.

Diapers...
Cloth diapers are working well and for the most part prefer them to paper! I ordered some more bumGenius 3.0 one-size all-in-ones -- this time in cotton. We have been using the 3.0s for a few weeks now. I worry a bit whether they will wear out fast and not be good long enough to take advantage of the one-size-ness of them, but so far Aaron and I are really pleased with them. They wash well, they are nice and soft, they seem as though they will indeed fit him through a variety of sizes, and they don't leak unless I don't put them on tight enough. Even then it hasn't been much leakage and just means I need to change his clothes. We wanted to get some more cloth diapers but the fabric inside the 3.0s seems not too breathable, so I wanted to find some cotton ones. Low-and-behold, bumGenius now makes organic cotton ones! Pretty pricey but we don't need too many more, so I went ahead and ordered some. I'll let you know how it goes. We are still going through 12+ diapers a day (15 may actually be our average, I'm not quite sure) so even these expensive diapers seem to be the more affordable option, not to mention disposables pretty much triple our weekly waste. I will guiltily admit that I sort of like disposable diapers though, just because they involve less work, are smaller, and it's easy to tell if he's wet his diaper without opening it up.

Healing...
So the doc appointment went well!! Stitches are all healed and I can begin exercising and all that jazz. I also saw my weight (don't have a scale at home so I had no real idea of what I'd lost) and it seems I have lost 24 lbs and am about 6-10 lbs more than my pre-pregnancy weight. Not too bad! And now that I have the go ahead to exercise, maybe I can make a little more progress there. Of course, that depends on whether Sam will give me the time :) But he can be pretty understanding sometimes, ha ha. (Actually if I just cut out the nearly once-a-day consumption of ice cream I might have lost a lot more than 24 lbs!)
I also got a chance to ask the doc what really happened down there. She said my tear sort of "exploded". That it was sort of a half-ring shape and an artery was opened on one side. I had a lot of stitches. I didn't even know you could tear like that giving birth and I still don't understand how the pressure/force worked, but that's ok. Anyway, sorry if you didn't want that gory detail but I did!


That's all for now!

SAHM

As most if not all of you know, my mom passed away in, man, I guess 2003. I guess it's been over five years. I am weird with time and dates. Especially for big life stuff.

My mother was a complicated woman and my relationship with her was complex too. I may never be completely resolved with my feelings about her, but I certainly find myself thinking about her a lot lately as I have now become a mother. I really wish I could talk to her. She sacrificed a lot for her kids, I think, and she was an amazingly supportive mother and friend. I miss her in so many ways.

My parents felt it was important to have a parent in the home with the kids. My mom was a stay-at-home-mom. I remember one time when I was growing up, I was talking with her about my aspirations and said I just knew I didn't want to live in Big Rapids (small town I grew up in) and be a stay at home mom. I think she chuckled and said, "So you just don't want to end up like me?" I was embarrassed and of course explained that it was different, that she had relocated there and started a new life, and that for me it would mean I didn't go anywhere, etc. etc. but really I knew it was true. I didn't want to be my mother. I couldn't understand why she didn't work -- all my friends moms worked. Didn't she want to be something? Didn't she have aspirations?

See the thing is, growing up I really believed that you were defined by your job title, and I guess I'm still a sucker for that. Even though now I think it's sort of appalling that a common first question when meeting someone new is "what do you do?" I am always curious to know the answer to that question and I know that even if I shouldn't, I make judgments based on what I hear. And I fell victim to the notion that staying home and being a mom wasn't a very good response to the question. I realize I thought that women who stayed home to raise their children didn't aspire to more or, more likely, had given up on their dreams.

Now, many years later, here I am, a stay-at-home-mom, a homemaker, a house wife. But it's temporary right? But how temporary? I live in a fairly rural area in the midwest. Have I become my mother? And if I have, what does that mean?

Just yesterday my former employer inquired with me about when I might want to return to work. How do I even answer that question? Before the birth I thought maybe three months would do it. Hell, the medical world says you're ready to go back at 6 weeks post-partum. Sam is already 6 weeks old and I go for my 6-week post-partum check-up on Monday. But now returning to work in even another 6 weeks sounds wildly optimistic (if returning to work is even optimistic in the first place). There are two questions that come in to play. When CAN I return to work and when do I WANT to return to work.

Aaron and I cannot [yet?] fathom the idea of someone other than us caring for our child, and right now I sort of think if I return to work that is the inevitable. Aaron is starting school and who knows what kind of schedule that will bring (my first semester in the program I was definitely working at least 12 hours a day, most days of the week!). Since I had always pictured myself as something of a career woman despite my choice to pursue studies in art, I sort of figured Aaron would be home with the kids and I would be working. Reality has a way of setting you straight. But the thing I'm really grappling with now is not even so much how we figure out schedules and logistics so that Aaron and I can remain the caregivers for our child, but now I even question whether I want a job outside that of raising my son, at least for the next few years. To even really have that question is huge for me. I never thought I'd WANT to be a stay-at-home-mom. And if that is what I want, is it something that we as a family want? I mean, can we make it work if I don't work? And, bringing it back to specifics, I would feel so guilty if my old job really did create a position for me that I then didn't take (note: they still haven't been able to tell me whether the hours would be flexible and what the salary would be like, so there are lots of things still up in the air).

I hear stories of women who vigorously maintain their careers while starting families. They do it all the time. They do law school, they win architecture awards, they travel the globe, they do it all. But how? Do they rely on others to care for their children? Are they simply tougher and more capable than I am? I used to think I could take on just about anything I committed myself to, but there is nothing like motherhood. Can I just not cut it as a career woman? Do I even want to?

Happy Birthday Ingrid!

Last night Sam has his first trip to a restaurant when we went to the Indian restaurant we always go to. It went pretty well. He was a little fussy and I had to do a diaper change on a shelf in the ladies room that was a little scary, but I held him in place the whole time and it went just fine.
Today was a little tough. We had a big thunderstorm. I used to love thunderstorms. Now they stress me out. Clyde whines and barks and runs around the whole time. It's really stressful. And to add to that, Sam was crying a ton. It was a rough morning. Finally Sam and I fell asleep and had a looong nap together. We woke up to a sticky humid Indiana day and felt pretty weird. But as the evening progressed, Aaron came home and we made some salsas to bring to Ingrid's birthday party. Happy Birthday Ingrid!! We made her this pretty wacky floor pillow (which I forgot to take photos of!!). Here are some pics of the night.

Untitled.

Sam is still cute. He is still getting bigger all the time. He is working on head support and loves to look at stuff.

Meg has moved in! She will be back in Michigan again next week, but she has "officially" moved in next door which means lotsa movie watching, woohoo!!


Juan came over on Meg's first night here after the rest of the Erlewines left and he made us some yummy veggie/fruit sushi. Yummmm. Thanks Juan!

Other than that, I'm tired so I won't expound on any recent mom observations. But it seems we're starting to settle into some rhythms, even though each day remains unique.

More Sam!

Thanks to Meg and Dad for the pics! Sam got to meet his Uncle Tom and play pass the baby with the whole Erlewine family. Aaron and I even got to do some actual hosting with food prep and all. And Meg has moved in next door finally, so that's cool. More soon, but here are some pics and the video I tried to post last entry...he keeps getting bigger and more aware!

feeding, family, and fun

Just a quick post to update you on what's going on with us. Luckily the day of no sleep was so far a one and only. He slept ok that night, just the norm. In general he is moving to feeding every three hours instead of every two, so that's good and makes sense since he's growing so fast!! He is even wearing a pair of 3-6 month pants today! In other feeding news, you ladies were right that breastfeeding ends up being easier than bottle! We've tried bottles less than five times, but following our doc's advice we're gonna keep using them every so often so that he continues to take breast and bottle without a struggle. My friend's six month old son took a bottle early on, but after a while of exclusive breastfeeding, now won't take the bottle. This is fine except she's planning to return to work soon. I want to keep my options open. Also, after experimenting I gotta say Dr. Brown bottles do seem to be the best. And my Medela PIS seems to be a good buy too.

In other news, the Erlewine clan is arriving today. Meg is moving in next door so that's super cool. She has had troubles with moving trucks but they are finally on their way; Tom is even coming all the way from LA to meet his nephew! They won't get here until 8 or 9 tonight, and they have to leave Sunday, but it will be neat to have the whole fam here.

(note: i tried to post a quicktime movie but it didn't work. maybe i'll do youtube...)

no sleep today

Maybe Sam has decided he's too big for sleep! At this moment he is enjoying maybe his third or fourth 30 minute nap of the day. This little guy should be sleeping like 7 hours a day! I sure hope this means a good sleep tonight. It sure has made for a long and tiring day! Last night I was sorta lazy burping him, so I think gas made him really fussy in the morning. Then he finally got through that but just didn't want to sleep in the afternoon. Maybe he was too tired? I dunno. Some sources say at 11 lbs a baby will start to sleep through the night. ha ha. He isn't bad at night though, he knows it's time for sleep. He will at least give two good three hour stretches back to back, waking only for food and change and he goes right back to sleep. I guess that's pretty cool.

Anyway, who could get mad at this face?

He's Huge!

Check out those cheeks!

Sam went to his one-month appointment yesterday and received a "perfect" rating from his doc. He does have a "hydroseal" or something like that in one of his testicles, but I guess it's pretty normal and should fix itself, most likely. We got some tips on using the nasal aspirator and we need to get him a vitamin D supplement (which seems weird that babies need supplements to the "liquid gold" breastmilk). But the big news is how BIG he is! I had been anxious for the weigh-in, and our boy is now 11 lbs!! Doc said that was like the 80th percentile or something, ha ha (google searches gave more like 50-60 percentile, but who knows). Anyway, the percentiles don't mean much, but it does confirm that this little boy is growing pretty fast! He's also long, 22 3/4 inches, doc said the 88th percentile. He's already outgrown some clothing!

Socialites!

No more house-boundness for us! Saturday, as a family (including Sam's mentor, Juan), we went to a goodbye party for our friend Barb who is moving to NY. We stayed for a whole hour and Sam was a perfect angel. Then, at the SPUR OF THE MOMENT, we decided to go to our friends Tain & Ingrid's to watch a movie. Another easy peasy trip with the little one. He did fuss slightly when it got time to eat, but that wasn't much to complain about.

All that perfect behavior led to a slightly fussy night, but really he wasn't difficult, just had trouble sleeping. So I only got about four hours of sleep in two separate chunks before morning came and our friends Esteban & Stephanie invited us to breakfast. They served us lotsa yummy Mexican baked goods, Stephanie even got me decaf coffee!, and we had yummy fruit and yogurt and even some horchata. Yumm. We stayed for a while, including a nice walk in the park (featuring the Maya wrap, once more), a couple of diaper changes, and another nursing session outside the home. Since Sam and I primarily pros at lying down nursing, I like to have a private room that I can feed him in, though we are working on our cradle position nursing (sometimes Sam struggles with this a bit.)


The feeding stuff has pretty much sorted itself out. We still sometimes struggle. I've been taking that Milkmaid tea and sometimes get a little engorged and so then Sam has trouble latching. This is usually at night when it's dark and hard to see and I'm tired, so sometimes I get a little nipple trauma, and he gets a little frustrated because the milk comes too fast at first and then too slow later, but we make it work. I'm FINALLY doing well at not stressing over all these little bits and pieces. He latches on different at different times and he eats more some days than other days. But you know what? He's happy. And he's growing. And he's getting fatter all the time. And he's filling plenty of diapers. I will start to freak out about feeding if there is a change in the status quo.

In other super exciting news: Here comes head control!! We can see it looming in the horizon. Yeah, it will take a while, but he's making some definite strides. And even more exciting are his eyes. This morning Aaron and I were lying in bed on either side of the little one and he was turning his head side to side saying good morning. He also will look to toys if they are moved one side to another, he does the OCCASIONAL smile when looking in your eyes, but he's definitely really starting to take the world in through those peepers. He also plays "crunchy chicken" with his dad, a game involving a small wooden rattle-like bird-shaped toy with different textured "feathers", some of which are crinkly and make crunchy noises. Sam actually has repeatedly reached for it making the crunchy noise. It's so fun to watch him grow and develop!

One Month!

I can't believe it's already been one month since Samuel was born. Pretty unreal. The time moves so fast. The birth that I spent so long anticipating is becoming a distant memory, though I still have a few aches and stinging pains to remind me of the physical act. Let me say a quick word about my body post-pregnancy. The happiest I have ever been with my body was after giving birth. I had such strange affection for the soft round tummy that remained. I was almost sad to watch it shrink away. I would never have guessed I would feel that way. Though I still have a belly left, I have always had a bit of a belly, and its current form is becoming more and more like how it was before. Yet my belly button still looks different, and my linea negra remains. I am still a couple of pant sizes larger than I used to be, and I used to always think of myself as fat. Your body image changes a lot during pregnancy. I'm trying to be patient with the weight loss, after all, right now I hardly get any physical activity apart from holding my ever-growing little one and breastfeeding. And I'm so famished I eat almost as often as Sam does! I never did get any stretch marks. Dunno if it was because of the Cocoa/Shea butter lotion, stretchy skin, the fact I already had some tummy chub to begin with or what.

Yesterday I got to see my friend Juan and he met Sam for the first time! He has been home in Colombia for the summer so it was great to get to see him. He and Aaron made hashbrowns and pancakes for dinner, and we even took a walk in the park after! It was a short walk, though, as Sam reminded me it was eating time, though I think he would have been ok walking a bit longer. We even took another walk in the park today using the Maya Wrap. I'm glad I got that wrap.
Aaron and I are even probably gonna walk over to Diary Queen tonight. Yumm.


In other news, Sam and I have had a good day today. He has slept a lot, so I think tonight might be a bit rough. I feel really sleepy, even though I feel like I've had a lot of sleep. Anyway, I'm doing a great job of my new goal: Keeping my temper in check. It's not that I feel like I can't show my frustration to Sam, but I can totally tell now that he picks up on it and it makes it 10 times harder for him to calm down. If I remain calm, he calms down. Pretty obvious stuff, but it still is hard to acknowledge and keep control of.

Tomorrow we go to Aaron's office for a congratulations/farewell thing at his work. Then we are gonna stop by my old job to say hello. Dunno if anyone will be there. A couple of people are leaving the Archives so the staff is dwindling, plus the student summer staff might not be around either. Ah well, I'll see my friend Stephanie and my boss at any rate!

Here are some Sam taking a bath photos! Clearly he isn't sure what to think. Check out that little pointy elf ear!

Dad is home today.

Yesterday was rough. Actually, the day was ok. But Aaron went to pick our friend Juan up from the airport, so I basically had Sam duty all day long. I feel like I should be able to handle such things. But I was pretty much at my wit's end by the end of the day. Sam was super fussy for like three hours straight, and we both ended up screaming at each other. Finally we got to sleep. And then once Aaron got home we even had a four-hour stretch of sleep. FOUR HOURS!! unbelievable. He's a good kid, I'm just a struggling mom. Anyway, I asked Aaron to stay home with me today because I seriously thought I wouldn't be able to handle another day like that. Who cares if I SHOULD be able to do all this on my own, right now I need support, and Aaron was happy to have a reason to skip out on work anyway. Heck, it's his last week and he has FMLA available, even if it is unpaid.

In other news: The Maya Wrap Arrived!! It is still complicated (the rules say it's like riding a bike -- why does a carrier have to be such a learned skill?? It even comes with an instructional DVD!) but it seems a little more user-friendly than the Moby. It does not distribute the weight as well though. Anyway, so far I'm glad I got it.

Maya!

Sam in the cute stuff Esteban's mom made for him!!

Sam and Mom.

Sometimes I think I already annoy and upset him since I can't always keep my cool when he is crying. Man, he gets all red with these super pouty lips. It's pretty cute. But super frustrating. Sigh. This is the beginning of our Mother/Son relationship. But I do also make him pose for cute pictures with me, so if he doesn't remember what really happened, at least he'll know we had some fun too.

a night out/the first bottle/i'm a baby too

So last night we went to Tain & Ingrid's to see their new place and to get me out of the house! We brought a bottle of freshly pumped milk, though it was just about 2 oz. (I read that breastfed babies take 2-3 oz per feeding, so thought this might do just fine). Their new apartment is great!! And it was great to visit and see new sites, and we got to tell Sam that there is more to this world than our house, ha ha.

Eating Out:
Sure enough, two hours after his last feeding, Sam started crying. Of course, it took Mom & Dad a while to realize that his inconsolable cries were due to hunger, but once I found out what time it was, I realized what was up. So in comes the bottle! He accepted the nipple easily enough, but then he chugged like nobody has ever chugged before! I was using a Medela bottle with slow-flow nipple, but this was anything but slow. He had milk dribbling down both cheeks and was coughing and sputtering too. He probably downed the thing in like five minutes or something, including my pauses to get him upright and burp and help things move through. It was quite the image! Needless to say, this did not satiate him, so I had to go give him the breast afterwards. But still, not a complete disaster. I am gonna try some other nipples and see if we find one that works for our tiny sucking machine.

Cloth Diapers:
I have started using the BumGenius diapers! I think they work well. They take a little getting used to, and we don't have enough to use cloth exclusively yet, but it's good to start giving it a try.

Today I feel a lot like Sam. I had a temper tantrum with him, and my world seems to revolve around food and sleep. I'm constantly hungry and tired, and it makes me grumpy.