progress

Well, I think I have oversupply issues. My body just is eager to produce food I guess. It was this way with Sam too. I didn't have as painful of engorgement this time when my milk came in, but still did have it. And still get it if he goes more than two hours between a feeding. But it's only been a week. My body is still figuring out supply and demand. I have discovered though that I cannot nurse him in a cradle position until my supply balances out. Every time I do he starts coughing, gulps air, pulls off and milk is spraying everywhere. Then he ends up with gas and/or hiccups and didn't even get full. The LLL site had some really helpful info though about how to encourage the body to produce the right amount of milk so I'm trying that out. Also explains why I naturally end up doing side-lying nursing almost exclusively. This way, the milk is not coming from above, so not as forceful, and baby can just let the excess dribble out (yes it is messy, I have rediscovered how I must line everything with burp cloths and receiving blankets). It just works for us. Plus I get to lie down which is often a bonus I guess! The LLL (la leche league) site also said that babies of mom's with oversupply do tend to bulk up faster and fill LOTS o'diapers because they are getting more foremilk which has more lactose or something. Anyway, it all makes sense after seeing Sam get nice and full and how William is already gaining like a champ. Another testament to the sheer quantity of milk William is taking in: the day before his doc appt he did 10 poops and 9 pees. Sheesh. Yes, we are going through A LOT of diapers.

Other than that, I couldn't have hoped for things to go more smoothly (knock on wood). I am a bit moody, Sam is acting out a bit more for parental attention, sleep is broken into two- to four-hour chunks, BUT sleep is had, William is eating, he's a happy baby. Cries hardest at diaper changes or if I seem to have put off feeding an unacceptable amount of time. Sam loves his brother and loves being a big brother. He's happy to show him off and kisses him about every chance he gets. I've been able to find some good one-on-one time with Sam, but probably not as much as he would like. Also, my recovery is going sooo much faster this time. I still have some tenderness and itching where the stitches are healing, but I'm off all pain medicine (was only on extra strength Tylenol anyway) and have been able to go out and about without totally wearing myself out. I have all but stopped bleeding too. I remember bleeding for weeks after Sam was born and being in notable pain for a while. I was also on a narcotic pain killer which really threw me for a loop.

Though, if I'm going to lose this baby weight, I have to stop eating all of the candy and cupcakes that found their way into the house...

So. Yeah. Things are ok.

nap time

gonna try to catch a nap

quickly:

william had his first doc appointment. things look good! bigger head, longer body, heavier -- growing all around!! we get to skip the 2 wk check up and just come back in a month.

she said she thinks the bilirubins/jaundice stuff will sort itself out and she didn't do a blood test. told me to keep an eye out for yellowing, but more so lethargy -- skipping feedings, etc.

first week stats:
weight: 8 lbs 8 oz
height: 21 1/2 inches
head circumference: 34.5 cm

home again, home again, jiggity jig

We made it home! So much less shocking the second time around than it was the first.

We had to stay a full 48 hours in the hospital because I did not arrive 4 hours before delivery and could not get the penicillin I needed (since I was GBS+). They wanted to monitor William the whole time as a precaution. He's doing great! Kind of high bilirubin levels, so we have to keep an eye out for jaundice, but he seems to be getting better all the time. He had some significant bruising during delivery so that raises the bilirubins or something, but he's nursing and pooping like a pro so everything seems to be clearing out of his system just fine.

We didn't get home until near 12. Weren't sleeping until after 12:30. That's all of us. Sam included! Sam was very tired, of course, when we got home and very sad not to sleep in mom and dad's room. But then he was out like a light and didn't get up until 9 am today.

William is sleeping and eating well. We did 3 hour stretches all night. Both Aaron and I felt like we got sleep. I did the feeding, he did the burping and diaper changes. He said he's happy to be the primary diaper changer so I'll take advantage of that, at least while I'm healing.

My milk is coming in in full force but I'm avoiding the incredibly painful engorgement I had after Sam was born. It seems like the way my milk comes in indicates I'm not nursing frequently enough? They say that will keep me from getting engorged? But I nurse on demand and he's getting a lot and who the heck knows. Partly it's just getting used to having milk-producing breasts again I guess. Anyway, I do know that the nursing is WAY easier this time and I'm feeling very confident in that. William has filled many a diaper already which is an important measurement for how well your newborn is doing, so that's good too.

My recovery seems smoother this time too. At first it seemed lack of epidural was a big help. I didn't have to get over having all of that work its way out of my system/regain feeling/function of legs and all of that. I also think this time I knew recovery was an issue, where I sort of neglected to consider that during my first pregnancy. I did still tear, I do have stitches. I am swollen. It does hurt. But over the counter extra-strength tylenol is all I'm taking and until those stitches start tightening and causing me a bit o' stress in the next 5 days or so, I think I'm doing pretty darn good.

Meg is in town and has taken time off of work to help with Sam. It was so helpful to have her here. I know it was hard on Sam to have his parents gone so much (I had never had a night away from him before!! It was hard on me too!) but it was made SOOO much easier by being able to stay with his beloved Aunt Meg who he is very close and comfortable with. Thanks Meg!! She is coming over this afternoon, too, to help out so Aaron can finish up some school stuff (end of semester -- his LAST semester) and she said she can help this weekend too which is great. I was excited to have fewer visitors during the early days this time, but the truth is, you have a baby -- you need help! I can't even really get up and down the stairs to do the laundry, and that piles up quick. I'm already relearning about spit up and leaking diapers and all of that stuff. Wow. How quickly you forget.

William is sleeping in the play pen/bassinet right now. We have it next to our bed. I was planning to try having him in there last night, but physically it was hard for me to negotiate so he was just in our bed the whole time. I might look into those co-sleepers after all -- either bedside or the kind that goes in the middle.

So those are the things we're doing. Sam and Aaron are playing in the park right now. I'm going to go peek in on the new addition.

Oh, and here are the stats. Corrected.

William Abraham Nemec
8 lbs 6 oz
21 inches long
April 26, 2011
10:37 pm

Pics coming soon.

Welcome to the newest Nemec!

He was born. What a day.

I did wake up in the morning and tell Aaron it might be the day our baby was born. I became more skeptical as the day progressed.

"Regular" painful contractions started around 6 pm or 6:30 maybe. I had dinner. They were still there. I told Aaron to go ahead and go to class but to keep his phone handy. I called him around 7:30 and told him to come home. Things were intense. But irregular. And then quickly gained speed.

I called my midwife. Contractions went from 8 mins apart to 3-5 mins apart really quickly. I took a shower (I had been doing yardwork with Sam and he had dumped dirt down my shirt!!) and we tried to make it to the hospital as fast as we could.

We got into the labor and delivery room around 9:20 or 9:30 pm. The midwife checked my cervix and I was already 8 cm. After a while, she broke my water. There was no time for an epidural. William ? Nemec was born at 10:27 pm on April 26, 2011.

OH. MY. GOD. If I were to do this again, I'd be pretty tempted for that epidural. I screamed like I have NEVER screamed before. It was INSANE. I was embarrassed. I expelled every bodily fluid I could, I'm sure, except I guess I didn't puke.

William was born 8 lbs 5 oz. I don't know if I know how long he is. He is doing well, but his face is bruised from delivery. Both of my sons came into the world with their hands up by their faces. Not sure what that's about. I was GBS positive and didn't arrive in time for the penicillin. They are monitoring him closely to see if he has problems related to that (tests have been unreliable/inconsistent). He has a prominent xiphoid process (guess not a big deal). So, in some ways, this one has been harder. But he's a champion nurser. He seems calm already. I think he looks like a Nemec. He feels so peaceful when placed on my chest. I already don't know how to do this newborn stuff, but at the same time it comes much easier.

Wow. What a day.

Still Focused

So last night, or this morning, or something, my contractions felt more intense and cramp like. This morning, I passed some mucus plug. Yeah. Gross to write but whatever, I realized I liked the log I had with my previous pregnancy so some details will now ensue. It had more blood this time. Contractions have remained PAINFUL today but are short, and far apart. Very far apart sometimes.

Recently, I have had a series of potentially timeable very painful contractions. I have been somewhat active after a long afternoon nap though (doing yardwork). I have tried to remain hydrated but now I'm sitting on the couch drinking water so we'll see if they just fizzle out.

False alarms and false labor seem to be a lot of what's going on with me right now, but I can say that I really think he has dropped. The pressure is low. The contractions have changed because now I really must stop what I'm doing to deal with them. I didn't have contractions like this with Sam's pregnancy until it was the real thing. But the contractions are still very far apart and sometimes just 30 seconds.

Well, I'll keep an eye out and of course keep the blog updated. We may still have weeks to go. Or. You know. It could happen any minute.

I'm watching every contraction. They are stronger. They last 30 - 45 seconds. They sometimes make me feel flush, or winded, or a little light in the head. They are crampy but not painful. Last night I had a series of them about 10 - 20 minutes apart. I thought it might mean something, so I hurried to bed to try to get some rest in case the real thing was about to happen (it was about 12:30 am). I did get to sleep after foolishly focusing on every muscle in my abdomen and keeping one eye on the clock. I woke to Sam freaking out about a stuffy nose. I ended up sitting with him on the couch for a while until he relaxed and could get back to sleep. I was grumpy and impatient with him. We eventually all got back to sleep in the same bed. I slept until 9 am. I guess it wasn't labor. But it was a reminder of newborn sleep. I need to work on my patience.

So I just re-read my old blog entries for the couple of weeks prior to Sam's birth. I keep thinking this pregnancy feels so different. And now that these contractions are gaining more ooomph I keep feeling that must mean that this baby will arrive sooner than Sam did. I couldn't be more wrong. So many of the sensations I'm feeling seem nearly identical to the first time, yet they feel brand new again. During my pregnancy with Sam, I talk for weeks about the contractions gaining in intensity: stronger, crampier, timeable. It didn't mean labor was about to happen or not. Just one day, it was time, I guess. So I still could be looking at two weeks, or more, or whatever. Or maybe it really will happen tonight. I don't want to obsess about it. But I don't know how not to. I'm pretty sure I've got at least something close to a week now, after reading about my previous pregnancy, but I also know that doesn't mean anything either.

Bah. It's time for more distractions. Maybe I shouldn't have taken time off of work before the baby arrived.

Well, here is Sam doing cute things like an Easter egg hunt and dressing up as a super hero.

Getting closer

Our big guy! (He often calls himself "big guy" -- "watch out! big guy coming through!" or explains things he's doing with "that's what big guys do")

Going to the park in his little car with Aunt Meg. A chilly spring morning.

Wax crayon for Easter eggs!

Sam's first time dying Easter eggs. He loves hard boiled eggs so he thought it was pretty neat. We just did a few since he gets bored easily these days. Here I am 38 weeks pregnant. You cannot see the belly in all it's giant glory.

Easter eggs.

Belly shot from a couple of weeks ago.

Sometimes candid belly shots are most revealing. Here Sam and I are "dancing" (usually ends up meaning running) to the Footloose soundtrack.

I just wanted to share some pictures FINALLY. So there you have it.

This has been a nice weekend. Aaron totally spoiled me yesterday -- let me sleep in late, made me waffles. I had to work in the afternoon, but after that we went out to dinner (just the two of us! I gorged on Indian food) and we watched a movie. It was rejuvenating. I'm still sick but it was just what I needed. Today was lazy for me (though I have plenty I should be doing) and included a big breakfast, Easter egg dying, playing at the park, and a barbecue. Tonight I've had some fantastic contractions that are nice and strong, a little crampy, and even made me feel a little weak/light headed. But they are few and far between. I could still have weeks waiting for the little one to arrive.

I am 38 weeks today. Sam was born at just over 41 weeks. No matter how you look at it, we are close.

ugh.

Yeah. So I caught it. I'm sick AGAIN. I'm super tired. I'm congested. I never finished being congested from the first bug. I don't know if it's allergies. Hard to ever know. I never used to have them but allergies can come whenever they want so it could have been/could be allergies for all I know.

Sam is starting to finally kick his second cold. It's been a week. Unfortunately, his cold made his appetite very low, and about all he would eat was fruit. And we were trying to push fluids so he drank too much juice. So now he has terrible diarrhea. So that's been FUN. for everyone. At least Aaron and I are thrown back into the mix of cleaning messes from bodily fluids and running constant loads of laundry. We'll be doing that in a month anyway so I guess this is a crash course.

We're sort of ready for the new guy. Sort of not. Still probably have a few weeks to go and I think we'll be ready for him when he arrives. I already am ready in many ways, and can't be ready in many other ways.

Ok. I'm totally tired. Gonna throw on a comfort movie and try to sleep propped up on the couch.

By the way -- I got some breathe right strips (store knock off) and they are awful. Am I just not using them right? Does anyone use these? I have been sleeping with a cough drop in my mouth for like three weeks now and I know that is not a wise move. Sigh.

sick. again.

Sam is sick again! How does this happen?? We were very fortunate to avoid illness nearly completely during his first two years of life so I guess we are just getting our share now. Parenting a sick kid? Hard stuff. This time he has a lot of mucus that has resulted in a nasty cough and stuffy/runny nose. He refuses to try to blow his nose or cough up/spit the mucus out, so he's miserable. He's running a low fever. He's tired. Days are spent on the couch watching movies. We opted not to go to the doc today so I sure hope it doesn't get worse and land us in urgent care or ER or whatever since it's the weekend.

Just a couple of days and I can say I'm to term. 37 weeks. Officially an ok go time. I told myself I was not going to count down the weeks and days, but whatever, I am anyway. I plan to work two more weeks and then start my maternity leave. I'm looking forward to that. I feel like I've fumbled my way through work all semester. Total insecurities about my performance at work. Feel like I haven't met goals, things are all over the place. I am really anxious to reorganize and get in control. In reality, I don't think anything is nearly as far gone as I thought and that I'm just consistently faced with the fact that the job requires more than the allotted hours. Because of the pregnancy and it being Aaron's last semester, I think that I'm operating a bit slower and I'm not able to put in the extra effort and time that I have the previous two semesters. And it shows. I don't know if it shows to everyone. I'm sure it shows to some. Anyway it just doesn't feel good. Oh well, I can't be a superwoman I guess.

I'm excited for the baby to come. I want to meet him. I want to hold him. I want to even go through the birth. I know it will be hard and healing will be hard and there may be unexpected negative aspects to the whole thing, but the truth is, I look back at giving birth to Sam and it is a positive, warm, happy memory. Not a grueling, painful, struggle. This is the magic that kids have, I guess. And we toured the new hospital this week. It's very nice and new and comfortable.

Sam has been dozing on the couch. Woke up coughing a few minutes ago. He just turned down ice cream. I guess things are in sad shape. (And the bowl of ice cream is sitting on my belly. I officially have a pregnant belly that operates like a table or shelf. awesome.)

sick

I've been sick for twelve days now. It actually is getting better, finally.

It's hard being sick. And pregnant. Especially when your toddler is sick. And all winter has been a bit of a wallowing self-pity sort of winter. I am full of worry, anxiety, lethargy. There are day snow where the sun peeks out from behind the clouds. The snow has been gone for a while, though we do occasionally spot flakes in the air. We even had days where the temperature got close to 70. Spring is on its way. This upcoming week, however, will be limited to 40 degree highs I guess. Sigh.

Work is ok, but I missed a week being sick and then struggled through with cloudy sick head and limited hours, and blowing my nose and coughing, and probably freaking everybody out. But the truth is, if you're a one-man-band you can't just not go get the work done. There is no backup plan, because there is no one to back you up. This isn't entirely true of my situation, I did delegate as well as I was able and I did limit my hours, but still you could tell people were inconvenience by my sickness (or you could tell if you're a self-involved, self-pitying, anxious, sick, pregnant woman).

I worry. About anything I guess. And then I read an article about how if you're worried/stressed during pregnancy you are more likely to have anxiety-prone children. Why would anyone publish an article like that in a parenting magazine? How is that not supposed to make the anxiety-prone mother full of anxiety about burdening her unborn child with anxiety? So current worries are medicines. I take acetaminophen every once in a while if I have pain. I take some antacids when the heartburn gets strong. But other than that, it's prenatal vitamin. I avoided cold/flu meds. I finally went to the doctor last Tuesday and they prescribed a Robitussin with codeine. They said it was level B (same as acetaminophen). Everything I read said it was level C, but both doctor and pharmacist said B. Who do I trust? Probably best to trust doc and pharmacist and not internet research, but how do I know? And level C is the nice gray area that is basically: "we don't know that it causes problems, but we don't have tests to say it doesn't. take if benefits outweigh the risks." But how do you know? How do you know what the risks are? Or the benefits? Well, I did take 1/2 teaspoon twice on separate nights. It didn't really help anyway. But it leads to worry. Am I unwittingly doing something harmful to my unborn child? And even nutritionally, or anything else. This time I am not watching everything. I slip up and have some kind of food I'm not supposed to. I miss a prenatal vitamin. What if I'm setting him up for some permanent struggles and I have no idea about it! I love being a mother, but mother guilt is really rough. And what about me being sick... could that be affecting him too?

And my new worry today is preschool. Sam will be three this summer. We were hoping he was going to be able to do preschool at the place he does his playgroup. It sounded positive but Friday Aaron found out he's an "alternate". They don't have specific rhyme or reason to tell you why or why not a child is selected. They are limited spots and they can pretty much just pick and choose whoever they want. So they didn't pick him. It stings a bit like whenever you don't get picked for something. How could they not pick my child? How could they not pick me? Because I think it will be a constant lesson to understand that my child is not me and these situations do not have a lot to do with who I am or who my son is either.

So that leaves us in a gray area, where we so often are. Sam will be three. All of his friends are in preschool. Should he be in preschool? I do not think a three-year-old must be in preschool, but I do think there are things that a preschool offers him that I do not (cannot?) offer. And now it's getting late to sign up. But Aaron is finishing school. Future employment is unsure. We don't know what we'll be able to afford. We don't know that we'll be here. Hmm...

What do you think, moms who may still read this... Pros and cons about preschool at 3? So you know, we're talking two or three days a week. Classes are just a few hours.

Hmm...

Maybe I shouldn't sweat it and just try to have more structured activities for him. That is what I think he benefits from. Having a special thing to go do. People to interact with. There are a number of activities available we don't currently take advantage of...

one more hmm....

tired and stuff like that

Aaron passed his defense yesterday! Super early in the semester so it's kind of weird, but still, very cool to have that taken care of. He still needs to finish his paper, his video screening is tonight, and he still has coursework and classes he's teaching, but this will be a big weight off his (and our) shoulders. Yay Aaron! Congratulations!

That has made for an exhausting week, coupled with our computer dying right at the crucial moments of him finalizing some video stuff. Ugh. This meant multiple sleepless nights, but we did the impulsive run to Best Buy and just bought the computer they suggested. So far, no complaints, but it may have been a bit hasty. Still, in doing so, Aaron recovered his files (hard drive in old computer was ok and we got everything back) and he's back on track. With all of that going on, work remains a bit demanding, and I've had new pregnancy symptoms. Light-headedness.

Ok, so at my last midwife appt I met with the new midwife. I like her fine, though I like my regular midwife more, but either one could be on call when the big day comes, so I want to get to know both of them. Anyway, she mentioned that they found sugar and ketones in my urine from the previous visit, but I hadn't had an opportunity to eat really well that day and it was the day of my glucose test and I think I left the sample after taking the glucose stuff. But my bloodwork all came back great. Then I told her how I had this varicose vein. Then she decided to tell me about all the warning signs of pre-eclampsia. At the time I wasn't concerned. Didn't think much of it. My urine from that day's visit was fine. But after I left, I started replaying everything she said, and I started to feel like she was hinting that maybe I was showing early signs of just possibly having pre-eclampsia. Late night google searching got me paranoid.
So then this week I've been feeling faint. Having dizzy spells. Well I guess really just being light-headed. I really didn't have that with my first pregnancy. It just seemed to be continuing. Throughout the day and at random times. So, after having one of these spells, I decided to call the nurse. She said to go home from work, lie on my side, drink lots of fluids and see the midwife ASAP. Eeeek! Maybe there WAS something wrong! I finally was able to leave work, finally went to the midwife, and all was fine. Sheesh. I still feel light headed though so I guess it's just one more joy of being pregnant.

So I'm ok, Aaron is ok, and we're starting to get our house back to normal. If anyone were to stop by right now you'd see the evidence of our crazy week(s), that's for sure.

In closing, some cute Sam stuff:
Sam talks in his sleep sometimes. I was sleeping with him in his bed and I heard him saying "ok, baby brother, dip your chicken in the barbecue...now chew chew chew chew" -- or something like that! He was dreaming that he was teaching his brother how to eat! Oh man, and then he said something else to his baby brother, but I forget what...he was teaching him something else. Darn. I should have written it down right away. OH! he said "play with me, baby brother! play with me!" So Sam is looking forward to his new partner in crime.

My Son

So yeah, I'll have pics one of these days. I lost the cord to my camera so I don't have easy uploading.

I just wanted to acknowledge some recent stories and experiences with my growing son. Mostly emotional ramblings from a pregnant woman.

Days when I don't try to work from home and am just HOME with Sam are very nice. We get along well. We have fun. We do things together. Usually I try to do too many things and it interferes with our daily rhythms. So: I am currently trying to wean myself from checking work email on my days off. This is hard. My job is defined as 20 hrs/week and often it requires more work than that. I have recently had to put a lot more extra hours in, so I'm trying to cut back and even take some time off to make up for it. That of course takes it's toll too and then I feel behind on stuff. Anyway, one way I try to stay on top of stuff is doing email stuff from home. Faculty do it all the time because they have to, so it is not that unusual for me to resolve things after Sam goes to bed at night. But what does this do? It ruins the barrier between my time and work time. It keeps me checking in on work stuff all day long "just in case". It keeps me distracted and it keeps me stressed out. The process of weaning myself from working at home is gonna actually take some time. I checked my email twice today. I thought about work a lot more. But I know that I will be happier and likely just as productive if I can make this separation. Wish me luck.

So yeah, Sam and I had a good day. Sometimes it makes me sad that he has to grow up. It is all so bittersweet, I guess. Today I stared into his eyes and just had to ask him "where did you come from?" because it is simply a miracle. Sam has truly shown me what unconditional love is. I love him with every part of me. He does not have to behave a certain way, or do anything particular, he just is, and I love him. Sam's cute response to the question was a tilt of his head and a shrug as he said "no me I know." I told him he came from my belly just like his baby brother and he thought that was funny. I tell him annoying mom stuff like how he was and will always be a part of me. Let's see how I can start messing my kid up from the very beginning, huh? But there is just this amazing and mysterious connection that I cannot begin to find words for. Maybe this is why people read poetry.

Tonight as I was saying good night he hugged me tight and said he would never let me go. not EVER! and I said I would never let him go either and told him a silly story about a boy named Sam and his mom and how they never let go of each other. He doesn't realize the meaning of these silly games to a hormonal pregnant mom who is watching her first born baby turn into an independent creative person.

Another bittersweet moment I meant to write about last time and completely forgot about and is now the impetus for this writing too:
Sam at the mall play area.
Meg, Sam, and I went to the mall the other day. We went after his nap so that meant we went late. Sam is pretty patient but he did get bored of clothing shopping. We had dinner at Panera, and that was good. Finally had to give in and let Sam PLAY which had been my bribe the whole time anyway.

The mall has a little play area for young kids. I try not to think about the germs which abound, because, really, what am I gonna do? Anyway, we finally get over there, take off his shoes (since shoes aren't allowed) and let him play. He lights up and is so excited. There are some older kids running around in circles playing some sort of tag-like game. Sam is too young for tag. He loves running and chasing, though. He is eager to join in the fun. He stands back, big smile, wide eyes, trying to figure out how to join in the fun. Finally, he braves it and goes for it.

There is an older girl (6?), boy of around 4 or 5?? and then a younger boy maybe 3 or so. The oldest kids are playing kinda rough, but Sam loves wrestling type games so it doesn't intimidate him too much. They get to the opposite side of the play area and I see the older boy stop Sam and tell him something. Sam looks perplexed and a little worried. The kids continue to run while Sam waits. Then Sam starts running again. A little later, the kid stops him again. This time the two boys put their arms around each other and say something too him. Again, they are across the room from me so I can't tell what's going on. Immediately my heart sinks. Is this it? Is Sam already being left out? I am thrown back to every socially awkward moment of my life where I felt like I never fit in. That I was never accepted. I want to run over there and ask what's going on. To defend him. But at least I know enough to stay put. Shortly thereafter, Sam is running after them again anyway. He is so focused on them that he doesn't see where he is going and runs right into a wall. He cries and I rush to his aid. His only words are "play more!!" and I say "of course, go ahead!" and he gets back to playing.

At one point I asked him if the kids had told him that he couldn't play with them. He said "no!!" and that they said he could indeed play with them.There are lots of other kids there, and by now he isn't trying to break into any groups. He is just playing. I think the bigger kid was being dragged home by his mom anyway. And finally, I too had to drag a tired Sam home, as it was time to get ready for bed and we were still at the mall. Later I asked him what the kids said to him. He said that they said hi and introduced themselves.

It was a pivotal moment for me. To see him as a social entity. A piece separate from me, yet still so connected. All of my personal emotions and social baggage coloring my perception of a harmless exchange. The realization that my son will develop his own ways of relating. That he may be outgoing where I would withdraw. That he will like some people and not others. That some people will like him, and some people won't. I just hope that I don't inadvertently push any social anxieties or eccentricities upon him.

He may only be 2 1/2, but my little boy is growing up.

Updates and such

I wonder if anyone even reads this since I post so infrequently. No matter.

Some random pregnancy-related feelings/thoughts:

• I am SOO pregnant. I am way bigger than I was the first time and have yet to even take a belly pic. Annoying people ask if I'm sure I'm not having twins. I smile and laugh and pretend I think it's funny and that they'll have to roll me down the hallways pretty soon, or something dumb like that. No, I don't think it's funny.
  
• I hope you will know, little baby boy who still lives inside me, that I think about you often. I don't have the luxury of documenting every bit of this pregnancy like I did the first time. Go ahead, blame your brother (just kidding).
• Work is a mess. Pregnancy has made me tired. I have volunteered for things I shouldn't have volunteered for. I cannot follow through with commitments the way I like to. It is hard for the ego.
• This baby MOVES. He is ALWAYS moving. He kicks here, there, spins around. It is nice to know he is doing ok! But seriously, little guy, don't have to jab the ribs and the bladder all at the same time, do you?
• Sam seems to have named the baby. Sam is set on a name and Aaron and I can't yet think of one we like more. Is it bad to have your toddler name his own brother? Hmm.
• I have a varicose vein. A varicose vein! Yuck!! Thank you pregnancy (and I can probably blame my lack of exercise). I hope it goes away after pregnancy, but we'll see. I guess people aren't staring at my upper inner thigh, but still...
• I'm sure I won't escape stretch-mark free with this pregnancy, like I did the last one. But I have never worn a bikini in my life, so why start now?
• Sam and I have gone to a pool twice so far this winter. Yes, I who fear swim suits, have practically bared it all with giant stomach and everything. Sam should know this is out of pure love for him. (But everyone is right: it does feel nice to have that weightlessness of water when you're this pregnant. I walked out of the pool and felt SO HEAVY.)
• I'm about 30 weeks pregnant right now. Six weeks till baby is "to term". I still think this will be a May baby (May 1 due date) but it could be April. But I said that about Sam too. He was due July 2, arrived July 10.
  
• I have more aches and pains this time around. Older? Hauling toddler around? Body's in worse shape? Bigger belly? I don't know. Maybe all of the above. My tailbone aches and has since pretty darn early on, but not constantly. This is called coccygea. I saw a physical therapist for it but at the time it wasn't acting up and everything was in alignment so no big deal. She gave me some exercises I fail to do regularly.
• We really haven't started prepping for this guy to come. We still have some time though. But I don't yet know what it is we need to get and whatnot. I guess I ought to get some diapers... those usually are important, right?
  

And in Sam Land:

• I can't believe what a kid he is.
  
• He's 2.5 years old now.
• He talks a lot, but is not always easy to understand.
• He likes to be the boss.
  
• If he doesn't get what he wants, he knows how to turn on a tantrum in an instant.
• I'm still learning ways to deal with said tantrums. I am starting to try more and more to not let him boss me around when we play and stuff like that. Hopefully it will start to help. Having a baby brother will probably be good for him, but definitely hard.
• Sam knows his right and left.
• Sam is excited for his baby brother. He says he is is friend. He says "I like baby brother" and stuff like that. He likes to say hi to him and feel him move in my tummy.
• A popular game these days is Big Bad Wolf. Sometimes T-Rex is the wolf. Sometimes Sam puts on a costume. A lot of building Lincoln Log houses and having him knock them down. And lots of hiding.
• He will sometimes say stuff like "mom...mom...mom..." and I reply "sam...sam...sam?" and he says "Me like youuuuu!". And I say "well I love you too, Sam." "No, me LIKE you..."

So yeah. That's some stuff. Now to movie and ice cream...

2011

So we survived the holidays. I guess it wasn't that bad -- it was rather a roller coaster for me, and I attribute a lot of it to pregnancy. So those of you who had to endure the lows, my apologies, and my thank you for your patience.

What were some of the highs and lows, you ask? I'll spare the details, but let's just say having the whole family sick, hosting a revolving door of guests, anxiety, loss of sleep, and crazy pregnancy-induced emotional waves left me exhausted, less than level-headed, and a big cranky scrooge. Didn't take much to send me over the edge. And even at the end of it, Sam split his lip open playing New Years Eve and spent the evening of New Years Day vomiting. Happy New Year!

For the highs, though, this was Sam's first Christmas that he really got into and sort of "understood" (as in deciding that getting new toys and opening presents is FUN FUN FUN). We had our first Christmas tree in something like five years, so that was fun also (Sam was really sad to see it go). We had perfect Christmas snow. And it was very nice that so many family members wanted to take the trek to come and see us for the holidays. Sam is a pretty reserved little guy, but he understands family and gets so excited to spend time with all of his relatives. So, all in all, everything was ok.

And it was nice to have the time off. Aaron and I got to spend more time together than we have as of late, and that was really good. Now we are back to the grind. It's Aaron's last semester, which means prepping for his big MFA show. He also has a new class he's teaching. And then there is the job hunt too. So I have to get used to not seeing him again. At least it's only temporary.

Sam continues to grow at what feels like phenomenal rates. He seems tall, but I have no relative sense of measurement. I just see him running around this house and think -- "Wow, what a kid." He is so funny and talking all the time. His speech might still be a bit slow compared to other peers, but at the rate he's developing I have little concern. Still not sure if he'll qualify for the preschool program we're hoping he can do next year (I think I wrote about that on here but I'm not sure. But he'd have to qualify as a "typical peer" in terms of his speech language development). We seem to have transitioned him to his "big kid" twin bed now, with the understanding that he's a big boy and his new little brother will need the little bed. I think he's excited about sharing a room with his little brother, but I still sort of have no idea how sleep is going to work when the new baby arrives.

Pregnancy is going fine. I'm having a wave of exhaustion that seems to me more to do with diet and holiday aftermath. It keeps me from being productive though and I feel guilty about that. Sort of feel like I'm doing the minimum at work, and maybe that's just a misconception (like people thinking I should be there to help install their shows -- in the past I probably would have tried to arrange to do this, but now I just make it clear that that's not my job, but they can call if they have problems). The baby keeps very active which helps me feel like everything is going well. At the last doctor's appointment on Monday my midwife confirmed that the ultrasound revealed that all looks good. I'm something like 23 or 24 weeks along now. I still feel like this guy will come late like Sam did, but who knows. Heartburn is already setting in. I am becoming more aware of my increasing volume, as I run into things when I think I can fit through smaller spaces than I can actually fit through. I was telling a male friend of mine that it feels like walking around with a backpack -- you forget how big you are. I've kind of gained a lot it seems, and I think I'll gain more this pregnancy than the first. But I no longer have fears that it will be WAY more than the first. I know my belly will be bigger. I'm definitely one month or more bigger than I was at this point in my pregnancy last time. I'm also at the mid-point of the pregnancy that seems like the birth is far far away, but at the rate time is moving I feel like it is tomorrow. I started going through the baby clothes and things we saved and we're really stocked. I guess it's good we're having a boy! I really don't think we need to buy any new clothes. The only baby item I know for sure we'll need are some new cotton prefold diapers. Those things are so useful.

And so that is that! It may have been a rough end to 2010/beginning to 2011, but all in all 2010 was a pretty good year and I think 2011 will be pretty good too. I expect some serious emotional highs and lows with the transformations our family will be going through (new baby, Aaron finishing school/new job/no job, etc.), but we have such fun together and are so excited for our new family member that I feel pretty optimistic that things will be ok.

Putting Sam to bed tonight seems like a pretty good example of what life is for me right now: Our bedtime routine is long. Tonight he was being difficult about putting his pajamas on, but we did it. Then for brushing teeth he was goofing around and almost fell off his stool and bumped his head, so he was upset about that. Then we got to D's bed to read stories and Sam was upset because when I set him up there he almost fell down "don't do that mom!". But we read stories, and it was nice. And he ran to get his dad for "good night time!" and then scurried to his big boy bed and hid under the covers (this is now a standard part of good night). Aaron pretended to sniff him out. Then we went into the long routine of "Little Boy" story (a story about a Little Boy Named Sam). Then I had to sing "Dream By Night" (aka "Flying Dreams" from Secret of Nimh -- this has become our lullaby. Well, a bastardized mashed up version.). And Aaron had to sing the "Frisbee" song. The "Frisbee" song is one that Aaron made up after Sam was trying to tell me to sing "Dream By Night" but didn't know what to call it and was making a silly swooping hand motion and at some point said "Frisbee" (might have actually been "Brisby" because that's the name of the mice in Secret of Nimh) so we just went with it, and now is part of the regular bedtime routine. During that, we also had family hugs that bumped Mom and Dad's heads together, a giggle fit, lots of hugs and kisses. It was exhausting. It was tedious. Part of it is just Sam avoiding going to bed. But it is so fun. It is so sweet. I cannot tell him I won't sing for him because I just love the fact that he asks. And if he asks for one more hug and kiss, what am I going to say? These are beautiful moments that both give and take everything from me. So after Sam goes to bed, when I finally have my time, what can I do? Just about nothing. I'm zapped. So now I sit amidst a pile of unfolded clothes, slowly folding away, and writing this blog. Will the pile of dishes get done tonight? Not likely. Will I get caught up on the other projects I told people I would do. Nope. I'll finish the clothes and watch some junk on Netflix, and go to bed. I will feel overwhelmed with what I didn't do, but really, I don't think I'd do things too differently.