sick

I've been sick for twelve days now. It actually is getting better, finally.

It's hard being sick. And pregnant. Especially when your toddler is sick. And all winter has been a bit of a wallowing self-pity sort of winter. I am full of worry, anxiety, lethargy. There are day snow where the sun peeks out from behind the clouds. The snow has been gone for a while, though we do occasionally spot flakes in the air. We even had days where the temperature got close to 70. Spring is on its way. This upcoming week, however, will be limited to 40 degree highs I guess. Sigh.

Work is ok, but I missed a week being sick and then struggled through with cloudy sick head and limited hours, and blowing my nose and coughing, and probably freaking everybody out. But the truth is, if you're a one-man-band you can't just not go get the work done. There is no backup plan, because there is no one to back you up. This isn't entirely true of my situation, I did delegate as well as I was able and I did limit my hours, but still you could tell people were inconvenience by my sickness (or you could tell if you're a self-involved, self-pitying, anxious, sick, pregnant woman).

I worry. About anything I guess. And then I read an article about how if you're worried/stressed during pregnancy you are more likely to have anxiety-prone children. Why would anyone publish an article like that in a parenting magazine? How is that not supposed to make the anxiety-prone mother full of anxiety about burdening her unborn child with anxiety? So current worries are medicines. I take acetaminophen every once in a while if I have pain. I take some antacids when the heartburn gets strong. But other than that, it's prenatal vitamin. I avoided cold/flu meds. I finally went to the doctor last Tuesday and they prescribed a Robitussin with codeine. They said it was level B (same as acetaminophen). Everything I read said it was level C, but both doctor and pharmacist said B. Who do I trust? Probably best to trust doc and pharmacist and not internet research, but how do I know? And level C is the nice gray area that is basically: "we don't know that it causes problems, but we don't have tests to say it doesn't. take if benefits outweigh the risks." But how do you know? How do you know what the risks are? Or the benefits? Well, I did take 1/2 teaspoon twice on separate nights. It didn't really help anyway. But it leads to worry. Am I unwittingly doing something harmful to my unborn child? And even nutritionally, or anything else. This time I am not watching everything. I slip up and have some kind of food I'm not supposed to. I miss a prenatal vitamin. What if I'm setting him up for some permanent struggles and I have no idea about it! I love being a mother, but mother guilt is really rough. And what about me being sick... could that be affecting him too?

And my new worry today is preschool. Sam will be three this summer. We were hoping he was going to be able to do preschool at the place he does his playgroup. It sounded positive but Friday Aaron found out he's an "alternate". They don't have specific rhyme or reason to tell you why or why not a child is selected. They are limited spots and they can pretty much just pick and choose whoever they want. So they didn't pick him. It stings a bit like whenever you don't get picked for something. How could they not pick my child? How could they not pick me? Because I think it will be a constant lesson to understand that my child is not me and these situations do not have a lot to do with who I am or who my son is either.

So that leaves us in a gray area, where we so often are. Sam will be three. All of his friends are in preschool. Should he be in preschool? I do not think a three-year-old must be in preschool, but I do think there are things that a preschool offers him that I do not (cannot?) offer. And now it's getting late to sign up. But Aaron is finishing school. Future employment is unsure. We don't know what we'll be able to afford. We don't know that we'll be here. Hmm...

What do you think, moms who may still read this... Pros and cons about preschool at 3? So you know, we're talking two or three days a week. Classes are just a few hours.

Hmm...

Maybe I shouldn't sweat it and just try to have more structured activities for him. That is what I think he benefits from. Having a special thing to go do. People to interact with. There are a number of activities available we don't currently take advantage of...

one more hmm....