Post Post

Post surgery and post holiday, Sam is doing great. The day of the surgery, Sam fell asleep during the car ride home and barely woke when I brought him inside. I took off his jacket and put him in his bed and he screamed and then went back to sleep. I thought that's what recovery would be -- sleeping and screaming. But I was wrong! After he woke from his sleep he felt great and was happy jolly normal Sam! He is healing just fine, we just have to let him sit in water at least 4 times a day. Usually we use this netted chair thing in the tub for baths, so he doesn't usually get to sit in the water. So we brought him to the kitchen sink for some sitz baths and he loves it!! He's so cute. These pics are from the day of the surgery.

Christmas was nice. Despite terrible roads in Michigan, all the Michigan family made it down to visit, so that was really nice. They are still here for one more night. Everyone has been preparing the food and feeding me so finally I might get to return the favor tonight (though I think Meg might be doing some cooking too, even though she already made some amazing desserts).

Sam got lots of new clothes and toys from his generous aunts, uncle, and their significant others. Sam and I opened the gifts over a few days and he seemed to have some fun with that.

Surgery Day Part 2

We're home! Sam did great. He's such a charmer. I am so glad to have it done. I was so optimistic yesterday and before the surgery. Then when he was away from us I nearly had a mini panic attack. Part of me wonders if the panic hit right when he was given the anesthesia or when they were doing the cutting or what. Anyway, seems like Sam is doing A-ok. He cried a lot in the recovery room when he woke up, but as soon as they took the IV out and he got into his pjs he calmed right down. He's sleeping now. When he wakes he'll probably eat again and get a sitz bath.
No stitches because the stitches can lead to infection in that area of the body.

Phew.

Surgery day.

It is about 4:10 am and we will be leaving soon for the hospital near Indianapolis. Sam is feeling good this morning. Surgery is at 8. I will let you know when we return.

Oh, I got an on-campus interview for the professor job. So excited and scared.

Updates to follow.

Christmas is coming...

Sam doesn't know about Christmas yet, and I suppose he won't really have the anticipation and excitement for Christmas morning for a while still, but I'm getting him primed for indulging in superficial consumerism from the get go. Well, it's not really that I WANT to do that, but I had to give in and buy a few new toys because he doesn't have many and now he's getting to the age where he really likes to mess with stuff. And it will be fun because he'll like playing with the wrapping paper and "opening" gifts. Anyway, we also wanted to take a Christmas photo to send to family and friends. His Aunt Sarah N. sent him these super-cute Christmas pajamas, so it was time to go over to Aunt Meg's to light a cozy fire and take some cute and some corny pictures. These were some good pics that won't be arriving to you by mail.



We are expecting the Erlewines to do Christmas here in Lafayette this year, but bad winter storms may prohibit some travel -- Michigan was just hit pretty hard. Tom and his girlfriend Jeanette are supposed to arrive TOMORROW so that's great. Haven't seen Jeanette in over a year and we don't get to see Tom too often. I should probably come up with some activities or something. Or at least buy some groceries, haha.

Tuesday is Sam's surgery. We have to leave at 5 and be there by 6:30. His surgery is at 8. Poor little guy.

With all this healthcare activity around me I decided I better FINALLY get myself a primary care physician just in case I get sick or something. So I went on Friday and I like my new doc. She's easy to talk to and helpful. I've been having some headaches lately which isn't normal for me. I described them and she said they sound like tension headaches. Basically told me how much Tylenol I can take, haha, so that wasn't that helpful, but I really think it's something that proper diet and sleep can prevent. And I'm not surprised I'm a little tense these days though. I also talked to her about how I've healed from Sam's birth because I was a little concerned. Turns out I have had some complications in healing so I will go back and see my regular obgyn after the holidays. Hopefully nothing serious. Sigh.

By next Wednesday, I should know whether I get an in-person interview for the Prof. job. I don't expect to hear from the library people until after the holidays. I will of course keep you informed. I haven't been applying for anything else, but will probably resume that once I hear more about these positions. It looks like I will be teaching a class for Purdue over the summer and I cashed out an old small IRA so I think we'll be able to squeak by until Fall. Could be a great chance for me to work on some art/design projects anyway. Yes, I'm ever the optimist.

All done...

Second interview (first for prof job) went a LOT better than the first. It was very short, they just asked me to describe how I met the requirements listed in the job description. Everyone was very nice and saying "great" and "thank you" all over the place. There is no reason based on this interview alone that I won't be invited for the next round of interviews. But nothing is ever quite as simple as that, is it.

Anyway the position is part of a new program they are working to develop in digital illustration. It will be manned by my prev. prof, the painter on the committee, and this new position. I think the main obstacle for me would be if there are other applicants who are accomplished illustrators, since I am not in my work nor training, specifically an illustrator. But that thinking is counterproductive. I can now focus on how I might go about developing a program in illustration so I can wow 'em with my brilliant ideas?

Anyway, it feels like a little success.

Tonight Aaron and I are going on a date. First date in, oh, about 5 months :D

One down, one to go...

First interview did not go as well as I'd hoped. So I don't think I'm going to get this job, and if I do, it's questionable as to whether I'd want it. Usually I think I can gauge whether I'll be offered a job by the interview -- if I feel good, I got it. If I don't, I didn't. I don't feel that good.

There were three people interviewing: prev. boss, department head, and new boss. Department head asked generic questions that I answered well, prev. boss highlighted the experience I'd had with them, new boss tried to point out my weaknesses and she succeeded. I could not lie and say that I had library experience I did not have. I could, however, probably have answered questions more effectively. She basically was like "I know you haven't had any workshops or classes in archival training or library studies, so you might not know the answer to this one, but I'm going to ask what two terms mean to you: 'jargon 1' 'jargon 2'" ... umm... all I could say is that, no I couldn't answer that without some prior research. Bomb. New boss CLEARLY would like a librarian in the job, and I am not a librarian. So I guess even if I were to get the job because old boss and department head were pulling for me, it might be a miserable work environment. She is probably resentful that she is in charge a position and gets to build a team but doesn't get to build it the way she thinks it should be done -- I can't blame her I guess. The funny thing is that the job is Digital Collections Coordinator and all of the descriptions are all about digital collections with one line about assisting researchers and processing collections...in the interview, new boss said "As you know from reading the job description, this job is 1/2 digitization 1/2 collection processing..." But it's not like you can correct the interviewer during the interview...

Sigh.

Time to rebuild the confidence for interview #2...

Surgery cost update...

I guess it's not polite to talk about such things, but they make health care costs so mysterious that I think public sharing of this info is important.

For this 10-minute outpatient operation, it will cost approximately:

$1557 for surgeon fees
$4100 for facility fees
$500 for anesthesiologist

Good thing we have some insurance. We expect insurance to cover 80% but we'll see. Nothing is ever a guarantee with this stuff. Other good thing is that the hospital does have a need-based program that relieves some or all of the expenses, based on debt/income ratios. With college debt and little income, I'm guessing we'll qualify, but we'll see. Guess we get through these things one step at a time. It all just makes me feel so sad and depressed. It makes me depressed that I have to worry about this at the same time I am worrying about the well-being of my son. It makes me sad that cost has to even enter into my thoughts on the matter. It makes me sad to imagine people in my financial situation who don't even have insurance.

Good and Bad

Tomorrow I have my interviews. 1:00 pm is the Library interview. That's schedule for an hour -- first half they ask me questions, second half I ask them questions. I'm certain we won't use the full time. The search/selection committee is my old boss, his boss, and then the "new" boss for this position. I know them all. Should be ok. I'm still scared. The second interview is at 4:40. The search committee is my old prof (art history), the head of the art school (music prof), a theatre prof, and a painter. It's only a 20 minute interview. I'm scared. I'm prepping my cheat sheets of strengths and weaknesses and ideal this and ideal that. I can get flustered easily at times, but I can also get into my pretty slick soapbox mode. So hopefully I will do a humble soapbox speech teachnique that allows me to speak clearly and eloquently and be oh-so-delightfully charming. Gag. Interviews suck. Wish me luck.

No one called me back to confirm the appointment with the surgeon. What is wrong with people?? So I called and sure enough it was scheduled, just no one called. Anyway, it's December 23rd at 8 am. We have to get there at 6:30 am, and it takes a little over an hour to get there. He can't eat after 4 am, but he can have clear liquids, which I learned meant pedialyte. I guess I will get some, because this guy still likes to eat every 3 hours or so, so I will want to have something there to fill his tummy if necessary. Haven't done a bottle in a while, so hopefully he still takes them. I'm still working to find out how much it will cost. I never finished filing for the state health insurance. So we are on Aaron's student insurance. It looks like it will cover 80% of the costs, so that's not too bad. I found out that the surgeon fees alone are $1557 for the 10 minute operation, but I don't yet know the facility fees. I left some message on some woman's answering machine and they are supposed to call me back. I don't have confidence that they will call back, however, so I imagine I'll be following up with that tomorrow. Oh, to be a mom.

I did an interview for the local paper for my new little plush guys. It was kind of an awkward interview and I think I had bad hair for the photo. Last time they took my photo my hair was really bad too. Oh well. Maybe it will become my thing. Plush art, bad hair. I can dig it.

Sam is doing well, though he is constipated. I took him off the vitamin and his digestion seemed better but now he seems constipated and I feel bad for him.

Sam is awesome.

5 months old

Here he is, five months old! FIVE MONTHS! Where has the time gone?

This time last year Sam was a growing in my belly -- my pants were starting to get tight and I was starting to feel pregnant even if no one else could see it. The semester was ending. I was exhausted. My morning sickness hit primarily at night, so my routines consisted primarily of school work, sleeping, and eating plain dry cereal like Cheerios.

Now a year later, I have a great big baby in my arms, one that wiggles like crazy because he's just getting so curious to touch and discover all of the world around him. Today he does not seem happy sitting still but doesn't have the ease of mobility to explore things around him without assistance -- must be really frustrating for him!

At five months old, Sam ...

• Has rolled over numerous times, both back to belly and belly to back, but isn't "rolling."
  
• Squeals and smiles with delight, but doesn't regularly laugh -- that's an extra special treat we see every once in a while.
• Likes to nap at least twice a day, once in the morning and once in the afternoon.
• Sometimes sleeps through the night. Sometimes wakes as much as every two hours.
• Sometimes falls asleep on his own with ease, sometimes he cries a while.
  
• Eats about every 3 hours, ranging 2.75-4 hours.
• Has really discovered his hands. This started this past month by reaching, tapping, scratching anything that was at the far reach of his arms. It was so amazing to watch this discovery of the world that began beyond his finger tips. He then started pinching and grabbing thin flexible things like blankets and fabric. Now he reaches for anything and everything he can and promptly brings it to his mouth.
• Has begun teething. I still see a white spot in his gum that seems pretty obviously the first emergence of a tooth. However, it seems to have halted, so I guess it will probably come in spurts and he might not really have his first tooth for 6+ months after all.
• Has really dry skin, but the Eucerin creme (applied day and night), bathing every 2-3 days, and using hands instead of baby wash cloth seems to have really cleared up the eczema. His cheeks remain pretty red a lot of the time though.
• Still has changing eye color and hair color. Guessing the hair will be golden/reddish blonde and the eyes blue of some nature -- don't know how blue, whether they will be more gray or more green or what.
• Has tried rice cereal and is starting to like it, but I have decided to wait another month before trying again.
• Is really strong, but can't sit up on his own yet.
• Likes standing when you hold his hands to help balance, and can even balance while propped against a low table or something, but he's not THAT stable. I think it must be hard to stand on those little chubby feet when he's got such excess chub. His little toes are always curled, trying to dig into the hardwood floor.
  
• Likes socializing and getting a change of scene.
• Likes bath time.
• Likes it when we sing to him.
• Laughs to Five Little Monkeys Jumping on the Bed.
• Gets a red unibrow when he gets worried or worked up.
• Loves blowing raspberries.
• Loves to play in the clean laundry.
  

And as the mother of a five-month old, I can now...

• Know when my son needs to eat or take a nap -- a learned skill, one that does not naturally appear when one becomes a mom.
• Can rock my baby to sleep when others can't.
• Breastfeed in a variety of situations, though I choose to always keep it private. I'm not bold enough for public nursing.
• Know how to make my son smile, squeal, and sometimes laugh.
• Take time to make art! though it's not a LOT of time...
  
• Take time to learn new things! though it's not a LOT of time...
• Take time to clean house! though it's not a LOT of time...
• Get out of the house pretty easily again, but now find that I am more comfortable in the house anyway.
  

I shall close with a note directly from Sam, who now likes to help me at the computer:

"j miukkSEAuytghfg"

exactly. couldn't have said it better myself.

The Knife.

Ugh. So Sam does in fact have a fistula and does in fact need surgery. Most likely he will have surgery on December 23 -- two weeks!! EEEEK!

On the plus side:

• Aaron and I both really liked the surgeon. He seems to really know what he's doing, is very forthright with information, and personable too.
• Sounds like it will be an easy operation that will only take about 10 minutes.
• Doc doesn't think the fistula is very deep and isn't very long -- not likely that it will even be in the muscle tissue.
• This is outpatient surgery so he will only be away from us for 45 minutes and will recover within a week. Just have to give sitz baths to keep the area nice and clean.

On the down side:

• My baby needs surgery!
• He will have to be put to sleep for the surgery. Eek. Eek. Eek.
• He will be away from us for 45 minutes during the operation.
• If the muscles are damaged or too much of the muscular tissue is removed, it could mean a lifetime of incontinence (doc says this is very rare).

The surgeon said that really this is not likely to be a birth defect, and was most likely formed from an abscess in the anus that worked it's way to the surface, creating the channel known as the fistula. He says that this one needs surgery because it seems like a very established channel has formed, since it continues to fill and release at such a rapid and consistent pace. Says it won't heal on its own and closing it up will make Sam feel better and will remove the possibility of further infection or abscess. Doc also said this is not likely to mean Crohn's disease and does not indicate an increased chance of further fistulotomies.

I can't escape feeling responsible. Was there something I could have done to prevent this? Will I always feel responsible for everything that happens to my son, even after he gains more autonomy? I kept my cool during the appointment, but I confess I cried a little on the way home. I wish I could put the feelings into words. Sam is my heart. It is unlike anything I have ever felt before. But he's not like my physical heart because I would sooner have something bad happen to my physical self than for anything bad to ever happen to any little part of him.

Surgery is scary. But I guess it is our best option. We will do what we can with the challenges that face us.


On a side note: I have two phone interviews to be scheduled for next week! For the library job AND THE PROF JOB!! Feel free to send happy interview thoughts my way, as well as wishes for Sam's operation.

OH! And Sam weighed in at 19 lbs 15 oz (clothed) and measured something like 26.5" long.

Not sold on solids

So Sam has been working on more firsts. He has rolled over! This has been going on for at least a week, so I apologize for the lack of update. But there is a funny thing about firsts -- you expect them to be huge and monumental -- and I guess they are, but it's such a gradual thing. I mean, he doesn't regularly roll over yet. He just CAN roll over. But he's getting more and more rolly so I imagine I'll have to prep myself for a mobile baby in the relatively near future.

Last night he was completely reaching for and wanting my dessert again, so I got him some rice cereal today to try his first meal!! I got the cameras out and everything, prepared to see my son delight in food on a spoon. And guess what? He would have none of it!! Not interested AT ALL. It may have just been bad timing (right after the food attempt he took a monster nap so he must have been pretty tired) but he may just not really be ready to move into the world of solid food yet. That's ok with me, he's not even 5 months old. Anyway, I'll try again in a couple of days and will try it at a better time...

Everything else seems pretty status quo. Sometimes sleeps great, sometimes not. His fistula (or whatever it is) hasn't changed -- still sometimes seems to fill with pus and then drain, so we'll see the doctor on the 9th. His skin is really really dry. Currently trying Eucerin creme. I have been bathing him 3 or 4 times a week, so I will cut back to 2 or 3. Poor dry skin.

Also I found some mom groups on meetup.com but I'm not sure I really have the guts to go to some stranger's house to hang out with a bunch of strangers and their strange babies. Hmm.

Here are some cute pics of Sam with Ingrid. She is moving back home to Arizona in a few weeks and will be greatly missed!!