Tuesday, June 24, 2008

i am waiting...oh yeah oh yeah

I don't have much to post I guess, which means this will be a long blog entry. No events to describe anyway. But these are the last few days it seems, so I thought I would ramble a bit on the changing feelings.

My contractions are stronger. Braxton Hicks contractions begin early in your first trimester, but different women feel them at different times. I started to feel them sort of on the early side, sometime around week 24 I think. They were just an involuntary muscle tightening -- not painful at all, just a tightening sensation. It still took me by surprise because I had never felt that before. However, I've grown very accustomed to them and am even able to predict when one will hit (I always get one getting out of the car, for example). But over the past week or so, some of these contractions continue to be a tightening but now have a dull ache reminiscent of menstrual cramps. Could this mean things are changing? Are these contractions doing something more productive than the other ones? Are these going to be what the early stages of labor feel like? How much more intense will they get? And of course I'm spending plenty of time wondering WHEN the REAL contractions will start. Last night Aaron and I were watching a movie and a pretty strong braxton hicks hit me. Sometimes I point them out to Aaron and he can feel my abs-o-steel. I had two of these contractions, about 30 minutes apart and he said "aren't those regular then?" I got all excited but explained that they were still just the same old braxton hicks because once I repositioned myself they would go away. I got up from the couch, walked to the bathroom (apparently my new favorite place to be), and back to the living room and the contraction didn't change!! Could this be it?? Alas, the contraction faded and none quite like it returned. I even had a pretty solid sleep.

I now have a little hip pain and I have aching knuckles. This just started maybe three days ago. I am excited for the hip pain. My doc asked about it last visit, so I think that if my hips start to hurt it could mean that he's dropped even further and the big day is just that much closer. But the hip pain is slight and inconsistent. I have no reason to think anything significant has happened. The knuckle ache is strange for me. It's rather irritating but appears to be common in pregnancy. Most likely retained fluid. I am trying to drink more water. My fingers don't look too-sausage like yet, my feet and ankles aren't swelling, and I don't think my face is too much puffier than normal, so I don't think there is any real cause for alarm. I think this is simply another physical nuisance to keep me company in these last couple of weeks. Oh but it just could be my favorite hormone Relaxin kicking in to make things spread a little more, and that may just mean that labor is on it's way...right? right??

I am still spending hours a day it seems reading about labor and pregnancy, and now newborn care too. I study his movements in my belly, figuring out which way he's turning and guessing how big he might be. I read birth stories daily for any clue as to what I might expect. But how can I even begin to guess which story will be closest to mine? And how come the medical world hasn't been able to figure out what triggers the mysterious act of labor? And really, how come there aren't very clear statistics about gestational age and birth? You have to scrounge and scrounge for this information. Most reputable sources just stick to the "sometime between 38-42 weeks" and there are no concrete pre-labor signs that I can count on. Even the pre-labor signs that do seem to be reliable simply indicate that labor is on its way, be it hours, days, or weeks ahead. I should keep myself occupied with other things, but by the time you are this far along in your pregnancy that seems nearly impossible. You are constantly faced with your giant beach ball of a belly, you can't bend down or stand up without prepping and bracing yourself, miscellaneous aches and pains plague you at all times of the day -- and that's just some of the physical stuff! Yet I am starting to forget what it is like to not have these feelings. I am starting to feel as though being pregnant is just the way I am now. Will I go back to normal? What will it be like to no longer be pregnant? Will I miss feeling his kicks? Will I ever be able to get off the couch without first scooting forward, grabbing the arm of the sofa, and hoisting myself up?

I am anxious to no longer be pregnant, but I am also just so anxious to meet this little guy. I can think of him and get all teary and I haven't even seen him yet. I cannot wait to hold him and show him the world. I keep telling him that I'm ready whenever he is, and, well, isn't he ready NOW? But I guess he has more to get done in there. And of course I get scared. I remain scared about whether I can provide for him in the way that I need to, but often I just get scared about meeting this stranger that I will now share the rest of my life with. It seems like such a silly fear, but there is just so much he will be teaching me as I teach him. I cannot really even fathom this journey that's about to begin. I guess another few days or weeks in my pregnant state sure isn't much in the long run...

enjoy my song of the day...ha ha ha

No comments: