Friday, April 24, 2009
Friday night.
I had my art reception tonight. Got to see some friends and eat a hot dog. It was an ok time. I had sort of been dreading it since I didn't like how my work turned out for the show. Another day of feeling awkward, insecure, unsure. Aaron has come down with the flu so he and Sam are already in bed. I hear Aaron sniffling away. Maybe I should go to bed too. I don't suppose I feel like doing much of anything else, so early to bed might be the right thing to do anyway. I could do some laundry. I could put on a movie. I could try to make something. I could try to plan. I would like a plan. Every day or two it seems I have a new answer to get out of this awkward place I'm in, only to change my mind in a couple of days. I decide on new professions, new college degrees to pursue -- devote myself to this, focus on that, finally follow through with blah blah blah. But nothing sticks. Maybe nothing sticks because I'm just not trying anything. Or maybe nothing sticks because I'm trying too hard or thinking about it too much. Yes I think I'm thinking too much and at the same time not doing anything about anything. I don't know. Sometimes I think I just don't have the energy anymore. I just don't have the drive to solve my problems. I just need them to resolve themselves. Am I doomed to face or become the things I always feared most? Maybe if I can get over those fears then I can change my fate. Or at least it would change the way I look at my fate. Ok. Tomorrow. New Liz. New confidence. Raaawwwrrr. (that was a tiger growl or something.) Good night.
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4 comments:
I feel a lot about this lately, not knowing what to do and not wanting to create more problems. Since I can only focus on one thing each time, it's better for me to set a goal(get hired by someone) but my goal doesn't seem to happen, in my opinion.
Let's encourage each other! Tomorrow, is always a perfect day. Love you.
I hope you went to bed and got some rest. I hope Aaron feels better today.
Sometimes when I don't know what to do it's because I want to do all things and I can't or I can't do what I want to do because I have to do what has to be done. So I have to compromise somewhere. And I don't like that because I want to do what I want to do, even if it's everything.
Does this make sense?
Do you really want another profession or do you think it is the answer to your current struggles? What do you like to do...enjoy doing? I sense you're happiest being with Sam but also being involved with professional interests. If you go another direction professionally, would it be something you would be happy doing even when Sam is older?
I don't know the answer(s) for you, just asking questions for you to think about. I do know it is hard, you don't want to lose yourself but you are the best caretaker for Sam and you don't want to miss his growing, it happens so fast. It is hard being a mother, figuring out what is best for you, your husband and your child(ren).
You're a great person, wife. and mother. I'm glad you're part of my family. I'm praying that you will know what is best and be comfortable with it. Love you, Liz.
its called, you just got your degree not that long ago. that time right after is just really awkward. we should chat...i had a really hard time too!
Oh, I remember that too! It took months for me to find a job and then we would have to move and that would disrupt life for the rest of the family. And we almost lost our house and I was wondering if I did the right thing This was ages ago but there is definitely something that happens after you get the degree, especially when you're not working with your newly attained degree.
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