lost

I'm feeling lost. Like I don't have any ambition. Or drive. Or something. Like I should be working towards something but I don't know what that is.

Sam and I are hitting our stride, though he was grumpy yesterday and I'm not quite sure why. Maybe because Grandpa left, who knows! He woke up and went to sleep crying yesterday, though we certainly had moments of smiles and coos in between. Overwhelmed, Sam and I went to bed around 10:30 last night and stayed in bed until about 10:30 this morning. Pretty nice. I told him we'd spend all day in bed today, but so far I haven't stuck to that plan too much.

Anyway, today seems to be a normal good day. Sam woke up smiling again (his usual way of waking) so it feels like a good day. He had some hiccups that weren't too traumatic. I think we had our first mini bout of diaper rash, but that hasn't been too big of a deal. Then we had some tummy time and he enjoyed it for MUCH longer than previously so he's really getting that strength.

But I'm feeling weird. I think I will do a few chores today, but I don't know if I have much drive to do anything else, though I'm supposed to meet up with my friend Ingrid today so that should be nice.

I had been exercising, but I have been slacking on that for about a week already. Sigh. I should get back to it. I have been eating poorly too. I'm sure that contributes to my feeling weird.

I guess now that I'm starting to feel like I'm getting back into life, but I'm not sure what that is yet. I know how to take care of my son for the most part, so that's a huge thing, but now what about me? My job situation is still up in the air. Aaron is so busy that it's nearly impossible for me to imagine us even splitting taking care of Sam, which either means I don't go back to work or I work very little or we hire child care. I think next week I'll start trying to tour child care centers. At least then I'll know what I'm really dealing with. And Aaron and I could probably organize our time a little better so that alternating care *might* work, I'm just not convinced.

Usually I get through these low moments by cooking up some scheme about what new career to take on or a new city to move to or something. But I'm a weird dreamer, I have to be able to convince myself that at least the first step towards the dream is very realistically attainable -- no pie in the sky for me. Anyway, right now I think I'm feeling down because I can't think of what that dream would be. Everything feels different now. I don't live my life just for me anymore. This is a very good and amazing thing, but it really just makes me feel lost. My comforts aren't the same anymore. What do you do for comfort when the old tried and true doesn't work? Comfort is about the tried and true.

Well, I think I will do my chores and be a bum for most of the day. Last week I started sewing again, and that brought renewed inspiration. But now I don't even feel like getting back to that. Maybe I just need a day or two to recover from all of the visitors over the past few weeks. We'll see.

Here are some more Sam pics. I've been borrowing Meg's camera and it's oh-so fun to use so there will be plenty more pics to come.