Mothering.

Let's see. I haven't rambled about various concerns, observations, changes, moods, and all of that stuff in a while, so I guess I will do so.

As I write, Sam is finishing (?) a MAMMOTH nap that I joined him for for the first TWO HOURS. This most certainly will make the rest of the day a mystery. So I guess I'll begin on the favored topic of sleep.

Our one-year-old sleeps in our bed, still, exclusively. We haven't done much as of late to change that. I talked with Aaron about it not long ago, and he still wants Sam in our bed. We both like it and so far it's most convenient. I still worry about the big What Ifs...what if we have a four year old in our bed, what if he never stops nursing... But we're going with the flow. For the most part it works smoothly. He wakes, we have breakfast, take a walk, play, and then nap. Wake, lunch, play, and then nap. Wake, dinner, play, bath, bed. It's a flexible schedule but it makes sense and keeps us happy and balanced. Sometimes I put him down to sleep, sometimes Aaron does. If Aaron does, he goes to sleep without the boob. If I do, he almost always pulls at my shirt to tell me he wants to nurse. We have learned to nurse at this time so I unfailingly let him nurse. It is not that I am anxious for this stage to end. It is not that I think it is bad or wrong or even weird to nurse beyond a year, but I once again get worried about the What If...what if he doesn't naturally wean on his own? I guess at some point it will be clear that it's time to stop and if it isn't happening on it's own I will simply need to enforce it. We already know that Sam can sleep without nursing first, and Aaron can often be the one to put him down he might not associate sleep with nursing. But really the thing about weaning, I see, is that I guess I need to wean myself as much as him. Hmm.

Other than that, Sam is developing so great. He's becoming such a kid. No, he's not walking yet, but that can't be far off. He has pretty much mastered the one-handed walk and has bravely attempted a few steps without holding onto anything, though it pretty much is a lunge and teeter into Mom or Dad. He's making lots of sounds but not yet talking. Still using "Gum" and "Gop" and pointing at things to let us know what he wants. He has a sort of whistle he does too and sometimes sounds like he's singing.

I am enjoying my summer and my time home with Sam, but sometimes I get into traps of feeling too lost and so I take it all for granted. Sometimes I am content with my primary self being Sam's Mom, and then other times I feel like if I just immerse myself in that I won't know who I am once he's older. I still am not sure where I want to put my energy during my "free time". Free time is few and far between unless you organize and schedule it in. An hour during a nap, a couple of hours before bed. Usually I spend those times wasting time on the Internet, doing chores, or napping with Sam. If I am rested and the house is somewhat clean and back in place, I have been doing some sewing and applying for jobs. I have some courses to teach at the community college in the fall. The pay is minimal and it is kind of a far drive from our house, but I think the experience teaching for a different school, a different TYPE of school, and a different kind of class (lecture, not studio) is an important experience in figuring out whether I actually want to teach afterall. I also have an interview next week for a part-time academic advising position at the same school. I am excited about that prospect. 20 hrs/wk, reliable pay, and potentially a field I would really enjoy. The interview is with a committee of eight people though -- intimidating!!

I think that coffee make me depressed. I thought at first it was the crash after coming down from the caffeine but then I had some decaf the other day and I think it may have had the same result. I'll have to do some research on that.

After becoming a mom I pretty much gave myself a get out of jail free card when it came to diet and exercise. I was pleased that I got back into my pre-pregnancy jeans after about four months, and while I was teaching last semester I think I lost even more. This summer, though, the weight is coming back on since I'm home munching all day. I think issues of body image are so interesting in relation to motherhood. While pregnant and feeling like a whale, I looked at pictures of my pre-preg self and said that if I ever got to that size again I could never complain of being fat. That worked for a while. But now that my body is becoming more and more my own again, no longer a body shared between myself and my son, I am back to feeling a need to be skinnier and more beautiful. Sigh. I wish my motivation was just to be happy and healthy! But this after-baby muffin top is really a force to be reckoned with. I'm trying half-heartedly to eat better and exercise, but it's definitely a matter of baby steps.



Today, Meg, Juan, Sam and I went for a walk and played at the nearby playground. Sam loved going down the slides (held by an adult, of course). He is a happy guy. He laughs all the time. One funny thing he started doing is blowing raspberries on me. I would blow a raspberry on his little tummy and then he'd crack up and charge me and pull up my shirt and blow a raspberry on my stomach. What a goof ball.