Big Guy

Sam is trying out his Bumbo seat! He likes it, but like anything, tires of it fairly quickly. Still he's getting stronger all the time and it's so neat to see him gain more stability.


He also likes to do tummy time on the Boppy-style pillow my friend Ingrid gave us. He will hang out for several minutes at a time watching cartoons on the tv. Here I am trying to get him into Dot and the Kangaroo -- one of my childhood favorites. We didn't make it through the credits.



Last night Sam couldn't sleep. Didn't fall asleep until late and was up every couple of hours. He spent the whole night in bed with Mom and Dad. Hopefully this is not the beginning of a new habit. (Mom secretly likes sharing the bed with the little guy, but she doesn't sleep as well and would rather keep the good crib habits going...)

debate party

Friday night Meg had us all over to watch the presidential debates! Yeehaw!

stretch marks?!

So the other day I discovered stretch marks. WTF! How could they show up NOW? Ahh well. They are small and not too noticeable and no one sees my belly anyway, but I feel duped. Anyway, for all of you moms-to-be, even if you think you made it through pregnancy, labor, and delivery sans stretch marks, be warned -- they can still sneak up on you.

I'm trying to exercise more, and some days I succeed and sometimes I don't. But I still eat too much sugar and junk and I think my weight loss has completely plateaued. It occurred to me that I am the fat friend. I don't know if any of you reading this have ever had this feeling -- but I realized that all of my friends are more fit, eat better, and are healthier than I am. Even the other pregnant ladies and new moms I know seem to lose their baby weight more efficiently and are more fit than I am. I have never been comfortable with physical activity. I feel clumsy and awkward. I never did sports growing up. It makes it hard to start a decent exercise routine at 28, but I'll keep trying anyway.

Sam is doing well. Drool is abundant, he just keeps growing and getting heavier, he's eating more so I think he's hitting another growth spurt, and he's learning to reach and grab things. He's super cool.

hands and hair

So I know I haven't posted much. I guess it's because I feel like we're sorta just keeping at it. But Sam is 10 weeks old today!! And I guess it's just that the changes are either so constant, gradual, or fast (or somehow a mixture of all three) that it makes it hard sometimes to know what to make note of.

Sam is really working on discovering his hands! They look so much bigger and it's a lot easier to trim his fingernails too. He has also discovered his right index finger as his new pacifier and is definitely upping the amount of drool and spit bubbles. Yeah hands and mouth!

We are also enjoying regular walks in his stroller. Sam really seems to like this. He usually falls asleep eventually, but I really have hardly heard him even fuss when in his stroller and he really seems to love looking up at the trees. The only problem with the stroller is that I can't watch his face as he's looking at the world around him.

Sam is sort of on a routine of day/night, so that's cool. He usually goes to bed around 11 (or at least sometime between 10 and 11:30) and he likes to sleep in late with Mom & Dad. Usually he goes to bed in his crib, wakes up around 2:30 or 3:00 for a feeding, then again around 6:30 or so. At that wake up he's a little antsy, so usually he comes to bed with Mom & Dad for a couple more hours of sleep. We're a sleepy bunch. I'm experimenting with not doing a diaper change during the 3:00 am feeding, but so far we usually get a leak. But I have different inserts and disposables to try so we'll see what ends up working.

As for me, I'm pretty much laying low. Sleeping, doing dishes, doing laundry, wasting time on the internet, hanging out with Sam. I need to get myself a project but nothing I think of keeps me enthused. I am trying to keep up the exercising because I cannot seem to get any of this last 10 lbs to disappear, but I also cannot seem to get myself to stop eating so much sweets, breads, and dairy. Exercising makes me feel good, but some days I just can't get myself to do it. I started sewing and that felt great, but for some reason I'm reluctant to get back to it. I should make myself do it again and it would probably feel great again. Anyway, this lack of project stuff makes me do regrettable yet insignificant things like chop off my hair (by myself -- gulp) and join Facebook. Ah well. I will find some worthwhile hobbies soon. In the meantime, here are some pics of the hair that I of course don't like but need to let grow before I fix it, unless I just want to shave it all off...hmmm....

good day sunshine

Today I am feeling much better. Last night while washing the dishes I had a revelation. Aaron can do a 1/4 time assistantship instead of a 1/2 time one!! 1/2 time means he teaches two classes, gets tuition waived and receives a stipend. With 1/4 time he teaches just one class and gets only tuition waived. BUT that means he'd only be busy for a set 6 hours per week during the normal M-F work week. Pretty awesome. I should be able to return to work, Aaron should be able to continue school, and one of us will always be home with Sam -- no daycare!! It seems so obvious! Everything is still all up in the air and a big IF as far as work goes, but at least I now feel like it can work out ok. And I heard that my boss's boss's boss called the position "Liz's position" so at least I think they are still expecting me. If only I knew what the salary would be...

In other news, Meg, Aaron, and I took Sam for a walk in the park in his stroller (thanks Tom & Jeanette!). It was nice! So funny to be so overly conscious of the sun and his precious baby skin (so that he had to wear long sleeves and pants and socks and sometimes the umbrella on the stroller was blocking his view) but it is, afterall, precious baby skin. I think Sam is very happy to get a chance to ride in his stroller -- he has not yet fussed when in the stroller and he loves to look at the leaves blowing in the wind whenever I take him outside. He's one happy baby and I'm one happy mom!

lost

I'm feeling lost. Like I don't have any ambition. Or drive. Or something. Like I should be working towards something but I don't know what that is.

Sam and I are hitting our stride, though he was grumpy yesterday and I'm not quite sure why. Maybe because Grandpa left, who knows! He woke up and went to sleep crying yesterday, though we certainly had moments of smiles and coos in between. Overwhelmed, Sam and I went to bed around 10:30 last night and stayed in bed until about 10:30 this morning. Pretty nice. I told him we'd spend all day in bed today, but so far I haven't stuck to that plan too much.

Anyway, today seems to be a normal good day. Sam woke up smiling again (his usual way of waking) so it feels like a good day. He had some hiccups that weren't too traumatic. I think we had our first mini bout of diaper rash, but that hasn't been too big of a deal. Then we had some tummy time and he enjoyed it for MUCH longer than previously so he's really getting that strength.

But I'm feeling weird. I think I will do a few chores today, but I don't know if I have much drive to do anything else, though I'm supposed to meet up with my friend Ingrid today so that should be nice.

I had been exercising, but I have been slacking on that for about a week already. Sigh. I should get back to it. I have been eating poorly too. I'm sure that contributes to my feeling weird.

I guess now that I'm starting to feel like I'm getting back into life, but I'm not sure what that is yet. I know how to take care of my son for the most part, so that's a huge thing, but now what about me? My job situation is still up in the air. Aaron is so busy that it's nearly impossible for me to imagine us even splitting taking care of Sam, which either means I don't go back to work or I work very little or we hire child care. I think next week I'll start trying to tour child care centers. At least then I'll know what I'm really dealing with. And Aaron and I could probably organize our time a little better so that alternating care *might* work, I'm just not convinced.

Usually I get through these low moments by cooking up some scheme about what new career to take on or a new city to move to or something. But I'm a weird dreamer, I have to be able to convince myself that at least the first step towards the dream is very realistically attainable -- no pie in the sky for me. Anyway, right now I think I'm feeling down because I can't think of what that dream would be. Everything feels different now. I don't live my life just for me anymore. This is a very good and amazing thing, but it really just makes me feel lost. My comforts aren't the same anymore. What do you do for comfort when the old tried and true doesn't work? Comfort is about the tried and true.

Well, I think I will do my chores and be a bum for most of the day. Last week I started sewing again, and that brought renewed inspiration. But now I don't even feel like getting back to that. Maybe I just need a day or two to recover from all of the visitors over the past few weeks. We'll see.

Here are some more Sam pics. I've been borrowing Meg's camera and it's oh-so fun to use so there will be plenty more pics to come.

paparazzi

Uh-oh, the paparazzi are back!!

Oh, wait, it's just Grandpa!

Whenever Meg and Dad are around, we shutterbugs try to take lots of pictures. We have actually been a little conservative with the cameras this weekend, but we still managed to get some photos, as evidenced here.

Sam has had a really nice visit with his Grandpa E. Lots of chatting, tummy time, singing, and all that good stuff. Sam will be sad to see his Grandpa go, but at least his mom learned some new tricks for entertaining the little guy.

Here are some more pics from the weekend...

Grandpa E, Aunt Meg, Dad rocks out

Grandpa E and Aunt Meg arrived yesterday afternoon. We've had a nice chance to catch up and hang out with Sam. Grandpa E is so good with Sam! He gets Sam making all sorts of fantastic faces and Sam seems to really be taking it all in. Here is a pic of our big alert guy in Grandpa's arms.


And here are some pics of tummy time. He's getting to like it better but we still need to work on it.



Today Aaron's band is playing at the local music festival, so Sam, Grandpa, Meg, and I are all gonna try to go even though it's threatening rain (but isn't raining yet). Hopefully I'll get some pics of that too!

Two-Month Summary

Sam went for his 2-month doc appointment today. He got another "perfect" from the doc! Perfect includes some cradle cap, some potential yeast infections in his chubby little rolls, and a 14.4 lb weigh-in! He's HUGE! She said that's the average weight of a four-month old. No wonder he's getting better at his sleeping. She confirmed that he's doing great on his neck control and said we really should be sure to give him tummy time multiple times a day to make sure he gets a chance to learn to roll over. He hasn't made too many strides in the rolling department. During his first couple of weeks, he used to always roll to his side, but then he stopped doing that. He also got his vaccinations. I was wary with all the recent concern about vaccinations leading to autism, but my doc discussed it with me and we are going with the regular recommended vaccinations. I think I feel ok about it. Sam took 'em like a trooper, with only a few tears. I'm home watching him today, keeping an eye out for fever, which I'm sure will just break my heart. I gave him a dose of infant acetaminophen. I hope my little guy (or should I say big guy) doesn't feel too bad.

Here are some observations I've made over the past two months that I will record here because I want to remember them in the years to come...

*Sam doesn't cry a whole lot. The times when it seems like he cries a lot are when I'm super exhausted and simply can't seem to find the obvious solution to console him.

*He was a good eater from the beginning. I think he has a strong suck because he often has a sucking blister on his top lip. He also doesn't feed for long periods of time, and already spaces feedings out to 3+ hours and he weighs over 14 lbs so I think he's a good sucker. Heh heh.

*Often when eating, Sam holds his hands in little fists, pulled to the center of his chest. It's super cute.

*He likes to hang out on his changing table. Particularly when he is undressed. I often sing "naked baby!" to him. Maybe I should be careful of what I'm encouraging here.

*Sam smiles a lot, but I have found two things that will almost always produce a smile: sticking my tongue out repeatedly is one of them, and singing Wilson Phillips "Hold On" is the other. Yes. Wilson Phillips. Fantastic.

*Sam prefers to be held at the shoulder, and really likes to be walked around. Other favorite positions are sitting on my lap facing forward, particularly if I rock in the rocking chair or bounce my legs, and he likes to lie on his back on your lap, particularly with a slight incline (knees raised) and a little swing back and forth our light bounce up and down.

*Sam often sleeps best when in his own space. Sometimes when I try to get him to fall asleep in my arms but he won't fall asleep until I lay him down in his bed and cover him with a blanket. He sleeps in his crib at night and his pack 'n play during the day. We take naps together in our bed sometimes, and sometimes in the morning when he wants to wake up before I do he is in bed between mom and dad. But he likes to keep his arms stretched out with fists pointing up like he's flexing his muscles, so the boy needs his space.

*He gets the hiccups almost everyday. Poor guy. He would get them in the womb almost everyday too. No solution for them, but walking around with him on my shoulder or rocking him in the rocking chair with a pacifier seems to help ease the discomfort and annoyance for him.

*When Sam wakes up in the morning, he's a happy guy. I come over to get him for a feeding or to say hello and he gives this cute, peaceful, shy smile as soon as he sees me. It's the best feeling in the entire world.

Maybe I'll add more as I think of them, but those are some of the recurring Samisms.

Grandma, Sleep, and Baby Stuff

Grandma got to meet her new grandson! It was a nice lazy week here, with lots of napping, eating, burping, diaper changing, cooing, smiling, crying, and all that good baby stuff! Even got Aaron's mom into Freaks & Geeks and she made it through the whole season/series. Fun stuff!


Sam is growing and growing and seems to be doing pretty darn well. It seems like his bowel movements are slowing, which is to be expected around this age, but it seems like sometimes that causes him discomfort. Still, he doesn't cry a whole lot and we're getting better all the time at figuring out what might be the cause of his discomfort. Sam surprised me by giving me a multiple 4-hour stretches between feedings. Last night was crazy. He didn't want to eat every 2-3 hours, but rather every four. When I tried to feed him too soon he cried. So devastating when a baby cries at your breast, I gotta say. Anyway, he fed well at 9:30 and then couldn't get to sleep. Finally at 11 he and I fell asleep. I expected him to wake up around 12:30 to feed, but guess what?? He didn't wake until 4 am!! That's insane!! Then I fed him, changed him, and we were back to sleep until 8 am. Terrific! I hope we get some more nights like that. Then he didn't feed again until noon. After that he was back to every 3 hours, but who knows. I'm trying not to worry about it (yes, my initial response was worry that he wasn't eating more frequently) and just go with the flow. As long as he seems happy, well-fed, feeds when he wants to, and is still filling diapers we're doing well. Plus he goes to the doc in a couple of days so I can make sure all is as it should be.

Though this makes for a lengthy and somewhat scattered post, I feel inclined to make a little list of the baby accouterments that have or have not been useful for us during the first two months...

in no particular order:

pack 'n play... I put this on my registry thinking it was something extra and unnecessary. A few of my profs pitched in and got it for us. We love having it. I wanted it for when he is older as a less dog furry place to hang out sometimes, but the bassinet is really really useful. We keep it out in the living room so sam can hang out in there and take naps during the day. That way it helps him distinguish daytime from night time and I still get to stare at him as much as I want. I also have found that sometimes he wants to hang out and play but actually doesn't want to be held, so sometimes he lays in there, kicking and punching and cooing away, while I sing, read, make funny faces and rattle toys with him. It's really great. Haven't used it as a travel crib yet, but that's a bonus too.

receiving blankets...I don't know how many of these we have. People told me you want a ton. We were given a number of new ones and some hand-me-down ones too. I gotta agree. They are really useful. Great in the beginning for swaddling, also great for extra warmth here or there, or a padding (Sam likes to lie on your lap with his head on your knees, but I find my knees are awkward and bony so I fold a blanket up as a little pillow). I put some on our bed to catch leaks while nursing, we put some under him in his crib and pack 'n play to catch leaks without having to wash all the bedding. Anyway, I think people are right. They are useful.

bouncers/swings/rockers...These are useful but Sam isn't a HUGE fan. They aren't necessarily the savior for us as they have been for others, but maybe this will change. There are times when he really likes them, but usually they just work as a different way to hold him for a while when my arm needs a break, but I still need to sit there with him -- he usually doesn't entertain himself in them. I still am glad to have them though, and I think they will get more use still.

strollers and wraps...I really like both my moby and maya wrap, but right now Sam is too excited for the newborn positions but doesn't have enough neck support for other positions, so we aren't using them. We also only got an umbrella stroller so he can't use that for another month or so. I sort of wish I had something that worked for walks during these early months.

pacifiers... Sam likes his soothie pacifier, the kind the hospital gave us. We got a few others. I still feel weird sometimes about offering the pacifier, but it works. It calms him down. There are times he wants to suck but does not want food. I have learned this by having a baby cry at my breast. I dunno if I'll ultimately change my mind, but the pacifier has been a must for us.

diapers... Again, we like our bumGenius diapers. We don't have a ton so we do laundry everyday but it still seems worth it so far.

pre-folds... Not necessarily for diapering. I have to agree with my dad that the old-fashioned pre-folds are super useful for cleaning up a variety of messes -- they are our preferred burp cloth.

nursing bras... I found that when the milk comes in, you will indeed be a cup size larger than you were at the end of your pregnancy. After a number of weeks, once your milk supply regulates itself, you will probably be back to the size you were at the end of pregnancy. That might help determine how much of what sizes you might want to get.

nursing pads... This is annoying. I don't like having to get them, but when you start breastfeeding, you leak. It just goes with the territory. I haven't found reusable ones in town so I'd have to order them, but they are kind of expensive and I'm afraid I won't like them so I haven't ordered any yet. I have tried the Lansinoh pads which are nice because they are thin, but they seem to be particularly non-breathable so I find them uncomfortable. The Johnson & Johnson ones are weird because they are kinda thick and I thought I wouldn't like them, but they actually ended up seeming more comfortable for me. I still feel like I'm going through them too fast and I don't like producing all that waste so I should get some washable/reusable ones. But I also am not sure when I will finally stop leaking so I'm not sure if it's worth it. Hmmm.

bath chair... I really like this Summer brand infant bath chair. We don't have a good sink for bathing and I was nervous about using our regular bath tub. I didn't want one of those big plastic baby tubs, so when I found this I thought I'd give it a shot. It works great. I like this chair. Doesn't take up a lot of space and you can take off the fabric sling and throw it in the wash. Yay infant bath chair.

Guess that's all for now. I should let Aaron get back to his homework and take over baby duty. Plus, Sam is being super cute and chatty right now.

8 weeks

Sam is 8 weeks old today! Big boy! We go for his 2-month appointment on the 11th. I can't wait to see his measurements.

Not a lot of news, here it is, broken down with headers for easy reading...

Sleep:
Sam is doing well! He had been giving us great sleep at night, as I had mentioned, but of course once we told people of our good fortune we jinxed ourselves and last night he woke up every hour or two! At least he got back to sleep pretty well -- I didn't need to spend an hour or so singing and rocking as I have had to some nights. I still find myself trying to discover his routines or patterns but those change so fast there really isn't a point. But we do have our rhythms and as long as I'm well-rested I can respond to his needs pretty efficiently these days.

Meeting People:
We went to see Esteban's MFA lecture today and Sam did great. Fell asleep and didn't disturb people much at all! Then we went around the school and said hello to some old profs. It's fun to show him off. It's funny to see the questions from parents vs. non-parents. Parents often ask more about how I'm doing and don't expect that I've started to do any art or get back to work or anything, where non-parents have a tendency to ask that stuff, as well as whether he's sleeping through the night and all that stuff. I realize that my expectations for our routines and behavior are based on the latter, as I was a non-parent. Now reality shows me, and other parents confirm, that this time is definitely totally focused on baby and survival, ha ha.

Sam's grandma comes tonight! So that will be nice. We're really looking forward to her visit.

Health and Recovery:
Also, my bleeding stopped. Dunno if it would be considered a period or what, but I'm gonna assume it's normal unless my body gives me any warning signs. I'm guessing things will just be irregular there for the next number of months.

Trust

I never thought I had trust issues, heh heh. And maybe that's not even the way to say it. But as the weeks progress, I realize that my worries could be resolved with just a little more trust.

Each day I get more and more attached to my son, which is a great thing really. I feel personally responsible for every aspect of his well-being. He's my guy. But I have acknowledged that when Aaron is taking care of our little guy and he starts crying, I can't help but run to his aid, even when I know Dad is doing all that can be done. Partly I feel like this is my job, and if I let someone help me then I'm failing at my job. But more and more I realize I just WANT to be the one that provides the comfort, the one that solves the problem -- the one that he needs. In the early weeks I really felt that Sam was more comfortable in anyone else's arms than he was in mine. Now that he and I have started to understand each other better, I see how I can be the preferred arms, and I like that. But not letting Aaron comfort Sam not only causes me undue concern and work, but, more importantly, it also undermines Aaron and interrupts his chance to bond with our son. Ugh. I didn't want to be a wife like that, but it's hard not to be a mother like that. It's hard not to be a baby hog. Heck, he's my baby -- we'd been physically attached for over nine months and only separate for nearly two.

I had a more difficult time giving him up to others this weekend as we had Great Grandma Nemec and Aunt Sarah Nemec visiting. I had to consciously share my little guy, and I think it was good for me. And good for Sam, Great Grandma, and Aunt Sarah too! I don't believe that it's a lack of trust in others, but sometimes it seems like it's a lack of trust in general -- a lack of trust that things will work out even if I don't worry about them or solve them myself. Or maybe lack of trust that I will still be his primary comfort even if others do some of the comforting. I don't know.

Another example of where I lack trust that things are going ok. I got my period today. Yes, I'm exclusively breastfeeding. I think we are averaging every three hours (ranging from every two to four or so hours). MOST exclusively breastfeeding mamas get the pleasure of no menstruation for at least five months or so -- many don't see the return of their periods the whole time they are breastfeeding (often a year or two). Not me. I get it after two stinkin' months. Grrr. I of course, am all freaked out. Why am I getting my period? Am I not breastfeeding enough? Am I not producing enough milk? Is it because we use a pacifier? Yes, I have read many a site that says that using a pacifier is related to early return of periods. I suppose this is because the idea is that the pacifier is prolonging time between feedings, decreasing feeding times, decreasing milk production, etc. etc. I don't know. I know my milk production has gone down because of the decreased feeling of fullness (by the way, increased feeding on my right side evened that out, and my left side has gone down a bit so they are pretty equal, though I think left side is indeed naturally more productive) but Sam is still eating well, getting big, seeming happy, and filling lotsa diapers. I have no real signs that Sam is NOT getting the food he needs, so why do I still worry?? The thing is, I think if I didn't know that I wasn't "supposed" to get my period I probably wouldn't think much of it. If I just paid attention to my baby and my body I would be able to trust that things were going the way they should be -- no warning signs after all. But instead, I worry. I read that bleeding after 56 days after delivery is considered menstruation. I'm like 53 days or something. So what does that mean? And could it really be telling me that I'm not feeding my big boy enough?? He doesn't seem like he's hurting for food. I really need to just trust that things are going the way they should be. Why is it so hard not to worry??

There has been a bit of a change in his eating, I suppose. Some of what I read said that when babies start feeding less at night, menstruation might resume. Well, Sam is doing good at his night sleeping. He usually starts off giving us a 4-5 hour stretch of sleep, followed by two 3-hour stretches -- with only a feeding and diaper change in between while he's still sorta half asleep. Pretty nice! Maybe that's influencing this change, I dunno.

Ok, so a feeding question for all of you breastfeeding moms out there (who have made it all the way through this lengthy post) to help me determine if I am somehow not feeding my babe enough -- when did/do you feed? Did you watch the clock? Did you feed at the very first signs of rooting? My guy shoves his hands in his mouth and that's my trigger. But he also of course likes to just suck on stuff and sticks his tongue in and out and all that, so I don't think EVERY time he is mouthing at stuff he wants to eat, right? I mean, the mouth is one of the ways he learns to explore the world, right? Anyway, if you wanna share what signals you followed let me know. For now, I try to do a combination watch the clock/watch his signs to decide when to feed. And I think it's absolutely ridiculous that I'm still worried that my giant baby might not be getting enough, but the worry isn't whether he has gotten enough SO FAR it's about whether he will continue to get enough. Sigh. I guess worrying just comes with the territory. Let me know your thoughts.

Anyway, here are a couple of pics of Sam with his relatives!