Productivity

I'm tired but feeling good.

SLEEP.
Last night Sam did a lot better in his sleeping. Not great, mind you, but it felt like major steps in the right direction. This time, I read three stories to him while he played in his crib. Previously I tried to read to him while he sat in my lap and that was just WAY too much stimulation for him. This way he got to play and roll around but I got the reading in which is really about setting up routine anyway. Then he seemed to be getting sleepy, so I turned out the light, closed the door and sat with him in the dark. I sang a bit, but I think really he likes darkness and silence, so we just sat there together until he got really drowsy. Then I put him to bed and he FELL ASLEEP!! Yeah, he woke an hour later. I held him for a few minutes, and he went back to sleep. He woke AGAIN after an hour and then I had to nurse and hold him for a good 30 minutes before he went down. He woke a few more times throughout the night, but by that time Aaron was home and he just gave him his pacifier and stayed with him for a few and he went right back to sleep. Around 2 or so he came to bed with us and woke every two three hours, so definitely not great, but I still consider it a step in the right direction.

HAIRCUT.
I cut off my hair. 'meh. It's ok.

ASTRO SHIRTS.
Ok, I'm back at it. Check it out. If you still want one, email me at lerlewine at gmail dot com. I need birth date, time, place. I still have a lot of designing to do, but I think I have enough that I could actually start advertising these on Etsy. I need to get together the marketing type of stuff, like a name for my company and the line of clothes. And I should start getting together my interpretive text. I think just a little blurb will accompany each shirt, depending on the style. As for style, here you will see two with sun zodiac signs in the middle (leo the lion, scorpio the scorpion), one monogram, and one element.

Let me know your thoughts. I'll post some possible text soon and you can give feedback on that too. Not sure those of you receiving the shirts depicted below will get text this time around, sorry!






That is all. I need to pay bills, do dishes, laundry...all that fun stuff. Of course, Sam is napping, I could try to take a nap. That sounds nice...hmmm....

Tooth!

The tooth has emerged enough that it isn't too hard to photograph with my old camera. Check it out! The one next to it is starting to come in too.

Sleep was no good last night. I'm trying not to get overwhelmed and feel the sense of ultimate doom I always feel when things are challenging. Just because we're struggling to get good sleep and establish good sleep habits, doesn't mean it will always be that way, and it doesn't mean my son is destined for a lifetime of difficult sleeping. ... right?

Sleep Nights 1 and 2.

Ok, so last night getting him to sleep was ok.

A little before 7:00 pm it seemed like bedtime was approaching so I applied his moisturizers and put him in his pjs. We nursed. He was still awake, so we tried reading in the rocker. Reading was far to stimulating, so I gave that up and opted to sing and rock. That didn't really work either. Some significant time had passed so I tried nursing again, and that got him drowsy. I put him down to sleep. He cried briefly then fell asleep. Wow! This might work! I thought. About an hour or so later he awoke screaming. I was unable to get him back to sleep. By that point Aaron and I had sat down to watch a movie, so Sam joined us. He fell asleep in my arms and we took him to bed when we went to bed.

Grr.

Well it will take some time to figure this out.

Tonight we started earlier, and it was about time for a bath so we did bath, then lotion, pjs, nurse. Was a bit of a struggle, but he went down to sleep without too much fuss. Sure enough, an hour later he woke very unhappy. I tried to calm him and get him back to sleep. No luck. I brought him out to the living room with me. Still wasn't doing it. I turned on the lullabies, went to his very dark room and rocked him. Slowly he dozed off, and as I realized I was about to fall asleep too, I moved him to his crib. Screaming and crying ensued. I decided to try to let him cry a bit. And that brings us to now. He stopped crying, but now I hear a soft "mamamama" unhappy cry. I guess I will go in if it persists or escalates. This is tough stuff. But it takes several days to get a routine. I guess I could try to wait until he falls into a deep sleep before I put him down? Just to get him used to sleeping earlier? Then try putting him down awake?

I don't really have a routine yet because we are still experimenting. I guess this only night two. The screams are escalating. I guess I will go try rocking again.

sigh. exhausting.

Sleep.

Have I had a blog titled Sleep before? Maybe. But in general we haven't had too many complaints so I haven't talked about sleep that much. No, Sam isn't sleeping through the night. But for a while he was really close to it, and two or three times he really did sleep through the night. But now? Not at all. At all. And really that doesn't bother me, what bothers me is the inability to go to sleep. That's where the problem is. He used to be able to fall asleep pretty easily in his crib. He would sleep for a about 4 or 5 hours, then wake to eat, and join us in bed, waking every three hours after that. His total sleep was probably around 10 hours, excluding the intervals where he would wake up half way to eat or whatever. Then he would usually get up for an hour or two, then take a morning nap. Now, he won't fall asleep before like, 9:30 or 10 at night and ONLY if he's laying against my chest or in my arms. Sometimes other people's arms will do, sometimes not. When he falls asleep, I can move him to his crib. As soon as I lay him down he instantly wakes SCREAMING. As soon as I get him back in my arms, he falls limp over my shoulder, at peace. Makes a mom feel super special, but completely impractical. I have work I have to do, and pretty much my time to work is after Sam goes to sleep. If I have to be his mattress while he's sleeping, then I can't get my work done.

I get a little annoyed reading all the various formulas for getting baby to sleep. Everyone swears by this or that. Some babies sleep easily from practically day one and others don't. And I think there is this notion that if your baby sleeps through the night right away then you (the parent) are doing the right thing. If your baby isn't, you're not. I highly doubt this is true. I think it's far more complex than that. I think some people are easier sleepers than others. Regardless, our situation isn't working, and I need to try to find a fix.

It seems that lots of babies who were sleeping well start to have problems sleeping at this age (around 7 months). Well, it makes sense. He is so much more social, he is getting his first teeth, and he has started solid foods. So sleeping alone could be really difficult for him, the teething could be making him uncomfortable, or perhaps digestion issues make him uncomfortable. At this point I certainly can't pinpoint the cause of our little guy's struggles. I have read, however, that many parents swear by a consistent bedtime routine. I had one for a while and that's when sleep was best. After starting to work, routine has gone out the window.

Aaron and I do not have a consistent routine ourselves. Aaron is working all hours of the day with classes he's teaching and classes he's taking, starting at 7:30 am some mornings and going until 9:00 pm or later some nights. Our meals have been known to happen at any hour of the day and we don't get in bed before midnight. I am teaching two days a week and am gone 11:00 to 5:00 on those days. We really just try to get the stuff we have to get done done. So, as we tried to settle into the semester (which is somehow half-way done already) we started to let Sam's bed time get later and later, basically letting him decide when he wanted to go to bed. Until, alas, we have our current scenario.

SO tonight I begin the bedtime routine again. When he gives sleepy signs around 7 or 8, I will start a routine of baby massage (gotta lotion his dry skin anyway), pajamas, reading, rocking, and bed. I don't anticipate immediate success. But I've got to try something.

These concerns always raise questions for me. I know that humans are very habit-oriented and I realize we are trying to start good habits now. But really, aren't the needs of a 7-month-old sleeper different than a 7-year-old? Maybe he DOES just need his mom and that's ok? And is it wrong of me to try to force him into something more convenient for me? Which is harder: Forcing the routine or letting him develop some inconvenient sleep habits? Am I really looking out for what's best for Sam or am I just looking at what makes my life easier? And if it's the latter, is that perhaps what's best for Sam anyway?

Augh. Parenting is tough. I SERIOUSLY don't know how single parents do it.

the past seven months...

feeling better

Thanks for your encouraging words! I'm feeling better. I am feeling like that job really wasn't the best move for us anyway, and I'm excited about the possibility of maintaining a somewhat flexible schedule for the next few years. In so many ways, my time with Sam is so short, and moving so quickly. It is important to think about long-term stability, but I think most kids, when given the choice, would pick a financially struggling parent who is actually there for them over a financially secure parent who is never home. Of course, hopefully I'll end up being able to provide my son with financial AND emotional stability, and there's no reason to assume that we'll always be living on graduate student stipends and half-time "limited term lecturer" appointments. And heck, maybe I'll actually try to sell my art or develop some of my various other half-cooked creative endeavors.

In OTHER news -- Sam has cut his first tooth!! It's been in the works what, a good three months now! But over the past few days I could tell it was emerging, and as of yesterday I could finally feel the sharp edge instead of the soft fleshy mound that had formed in his gum. Meg and I tried to get a photo of it, but no such luck. The best I got is below. That slightly less pink spot is indeed the tooth coming through. My boy is growing up!

workin it

Well to be lost may not be the right way to describe it. But I do feel down. I feel unwanted. Unemployable. Lacking of commercial value. I would love it if I didn't need to have commercial value. I would love to just be a stay-at-home mom (provided I found enough ways to get myself out of the house and socialize with adults every once in a while) but that isn't an option for me. I need to work. I need to find employment. I have education debt coming out of my ears. If I don't work, that debt becomes a problem.

The professor job was not an ideal situation. We didn't know how one of us would handle commuting, and it would have been a long commute. And I would probably have been working over 40 hrs/wk during the time when my son needs me the most. I am not sure how we would have handled child care. Neither one of us was excited about living in Indianapolis. I applied for the job on a whim. Wasn't sure I wanted it. Didn't think I'd get a call on it. But then I did. And I learned more about it and I got excited and dreamed about it and ... well ... it seemed like such a nice solution to all my worries about financial stability and providing for my son.

But I guess it wasn't my solution. Maybe I don't have a solution.

I tend to look at life like a narrative I guess. I feel like I'm looking for recurring themes, trying to identify my life lessons. I am not sure I ever find them. It does seem as though one recurring theme is that hard work does not necessarily (or perhaps often) lead to rewards. This is something I believed -- if you work hard enough, it will happen. It seems like such a nice cause and effect. But maybe this is the lesson I need to be learning right now. Chance and happenstance is as powerful as hard work, if not more, and maybe sometimes that hard work is simply working against the fates. I really need to learn how to not take defeat personally. Not believe it is defining my character or ability. My friends and I are watching the previous generation lose their jobs after a lifetime of dedicated hard work. Some of them are losing everything. This is not something we just see in the news anymore, this is our parents, our aunts and uncles, our friends. Work and servitude simply does not necessarily bring the rewards we feel like we were promised, or believe we deserve, or that we have earned, or any of that.

I get jealous. I get feeling entitled or something. I am afraid that I live my life beyond my means, beyond my social class. I could not afford my undergraduate education, did not understand this, and did it anyway. I did not know enough to realize that spending that kind of money should make it so that you have more earning potential, but I studied art because you should also study what you love. I went back to graduate school thinking it would open more career paths and options but now fear it has closed more than it has opened. I fear I have already made my bed and I just don't yet understand what it means.

But this is my problem. i love to daydream about long-term goals, but I am so shortsighted that every immediate defeat feels like a lifetime of doom.

So. What now? I guess I just keep taking it one day or month at a time. I guess I don't have much choice.

I really wish I could stop taking all this job stuff so personally. But it sort of is personal.

nope.

did not get the prof job

feel lost



sigh

7 months!

From Sam Month 8

Sam is 7 months old! So hard to believe. The time goes by so fast.
I have kept you pretty up to date with his development, so nothing really new to add here. I will do a list though, so that I can go back and look at these and have a reminder...

At 7 months, Sam ...

• Is eating non-breastmilk foods once or twice a day.
• Prefers the store-bought purees to the ones I make him.
  
• Eats pears, prunes, oatmeal, rice, sweet peas, sweet potatoes, butternut squash, bananas... pretty good diet!
• His sleep has taken a bit of a turn for the worse. He wakes at least every 3 hours nearly every night. Some times he won't sleep unless he's in my arms. Super cute and sure makes me feel special, but not necessarily a routine or habit I want to encourage.
• He is really working towards crawling, as you can see in the video.
  
• He rolls over all the time now. Sometimes it's hard to put him down for a nap because he just rolls right over and wiggles around. Then whines when he gets in an uncomfortable position that he doesn't know how to get out of (he doesn't often roll from tummy to back).
• Sam and Mabel are becoming better and better friends.
• Don't know his current stats, but he is still a very big baby.
• He likes peek-a-boo and sometimes is the one to do the hiding.

Sam is the greatest. I can't wait to see what development is coming next, but part of me just feels like he's growing too fast.

slackin'

So Sam is napping and I should be doing some work, but instead felt like posting pics of our super cute boy and figured I'd write a quick blog.

Yesterday we went to a friend's baby shower, and there were lots of other babies there! Sam was the youngest and biggest one there. There was an 8-month-old baby walking around! And another the same age just figuring out how to lift herself and balance on her hands and feet (her mom called it her tabletop position). This was the first baby Sam has ever met! Wait...that's not true...but the first he really interacted with! They shared toys and took turns reaching for the faces of one another. It was very cute! I know the doctor always says what a big boy Sam is, but I didn't really realize it until we saw the other babies. It's so fascinating to see how unique every person's development is.

Sam tried oatmeal yesterday and loved it. I find that he eats the store-bought food way more than the stuff I grind for him. I think it's a texture thing. I think I don't get things smooth enough. I've decided that the store baby food is way easier for us though, even though I hate wasting the packaging and I question the nutritional value. I even bought the regular baby grain cereals instead of the organic ones since they were a third the price, only to go home and realize that the non-organic ones really throw TONS of extra misc. stuff in them and now I feel guilty and like a bad mom. Man, parental guilt is a force to reckon with. I think we will try to start increasing his solid food intake now, as he's just about 7 months old -- 7 months!! And he seems to really like eating now.

Sam is now regularly nursing at 3-hour intervals (sometimes less!!) throughout the night. He does his "long stretch" between feedings now during the early morning -- often correlating to the hours when I'm away from home. Seems like a definite backtrack in the sleep department. Teething? Mom going back to work? Who knows. He spends every night in our bed, and nearly the whole night there too. We try comforting with other means, but he seems to scream until he gets the breast and it's just so much easier to do that and get back to sleep than to try other methods of soothing him. Should we be enforcing a stricter sleep routine? One of the moms I talked to at the shower keeps her little one on a very tight nap and sleep schedule, and sure enough, the baby sleeps through the night. She started this at 3 months. Heck, I dunno. I mean it depends so much on your family routines and the individual baby. I'm surprised that sleep is just a recurring issue and theme throughout early motherhood.

Sam is doing so well at sitting independently and he's really scooting around well too. He loves peek-a-boo.

when i'm feeling blue, all i have to do...