sick

I've been sick for twelve days now. It actually is getting better, finally.

It's hard being sick. And pregnant. Especially when your toddler is sick. And all winter has been a bit of a wallowing self-pity sort of winter. I am full of worry, anxiety, lethargy. There are day snow where the sun peeks out from behind the clouds. The snow has been gone for a while, though we do occasionally spot flakes in the air. We even had days where the temperature got close to 70. Spring is on its way. This upcoming week, however, will be limited to 40 degree highs I guess. Sigh.

Work is ok, but I missed a week being sick and then struggled through with cloudy sick head and limited hours, and blowing my nose and coughing, and probably freaking everybody out. But the truth is, if you're a one-man-band you can't just not go get the work done. There is no backup plan, because there is no one to back you up. This isn't entirely true of my situation, I did delegate as well as I was able and I did limit my hours, but still you could tell people were inconvenience by my sickness (or you could tell if you're a self-involved, self-pitying, anxious, sick, pregnant woman).

I worry. About anything I guess. And then I read an article about how if you're worried/stressed during pregnancy you are more likely to have anxiety-prone children. Why would anyone publish an article like that in a parenting magazine? How is that not supposed to make the anxiety-prone mother full of anxiety about burdening her unborn child with anxiety? So current worries are medicines. I take acetaminophen every once in a while if I have pain. I take some antacids when the heartburn gets strong. But other than that, it's prenatal vitamin. I avoided cold/flu meds. I finally went to the doctor last Tuesday and they prescribed a Robitussin with codeine. They said it was level B (same as acetaminophen). Everything I read said it was level C, but both doctor and pharmacist said B. Who do I trust? Probably best to trust doc and pharmacist and not internet research, but how do I know? And level C is the nice gray area that is basically: "we don't know that it causes problems, but we don't have tests to say it doesn't. take if benefits outweigh the risks." But how do you know? How do you know what the risks are? Or the benefits? Well, I did take 1/2 teaspoon twice on separate nights. It didn't really help anyway. But it leads to worry. Am I unwittingly doing something harmful to my unborn child? And even nutritionally, or anything else. This time I am not watching everything. I slip up and have some kind of food I'm not supposed to. I miss a prenatal vitamin. What if I'm setting him up for some permanent struggles and I have no idea about it! I love being a mother, but mother guilt is really rough. And what about me being sick... could that be affecting him too?

And my new worry today is preschool. Sam will be three this summer. We were hoping he was going to be able to do preschool at the place he does his playgroup. It sounded positive but Friday Aaron found out he's an "alternate". They don't have specific rhyme or reason to tell you why or why not a child is selected. They are limited spots and they can pretty much just pick and choose whoever they want. So they didn't pick him. It stings a bit like whenever you don't get picked for something. How could they not pick my child? How could they not pick me? Because I think it will be a constant lesson to understand that my child is not me and these situations do not have a lot to do with who I am or who my son is either.

So that leaves us in a gray area, where we so often are. Sam will be three. All of his friends are in preschool. Should he be in preschool? I do not think a three-year-old must be in preschool, but I do think there are things that a preschool offers him that I do not (cannot?) offer. And now it's getting late to sign up. But Aaron is finishing school. Future employment is unsure. We don't know what we'll be able to afford. We don't know that we'll be here. Hmm...

What do you think, moms who may still read this... Pros and cons about preschool at 3? So you know, we're talking two or three days a week. Classes are just a few hours.

Hmm...

Maybe I shouldn't sweat it and just try to have more structured activities for him. That is what I think he benefits from. Having a special thing to go do. People to interact with. There are a number of activities available we don't currently take advantage of...

one more hmm....

tired and stuff like that

Aaron passed his defense yesterday! Super early in the semester so it's kind of weird, but still, very cool to have that taken care of. He still needs to finish his paper, his video screening is tonight, and he still has coursework and classes he's teaching, but this will be a big weight off his (and our) shoulders. Yay Aaron! Congratulations!

That has made for an exhausting week, coupled with our computer dying right at the crucial moments of him finalizing some video stuff. Ugh. This meant multiple sleepless nights, but we did the impulsive run to Best Buy and just bought the computer they suggested. So far, no complaints, but it may have been a bit hasty. Still, in doing so, Aaron recovered his files (hard drive in old computer was ok and we got everything back) and he's back on track. With all of that going on, work remains a bit demanding, and I've had new pregnancy symptoms. Light-headedness.

Ok, so at my last midwife appt I met with the new midwife. I like her fine, though I like my regular midwife more, but either one could be on call when the big day comes, so I want to get to know both of them. Anyway, she mentioned that they found sugar and ketones in my urine from the previous visit, but I hadn't had an opportunity to eat really well that day and it was the day of my glucose test and I think I left the sample after taking the glucose stuff. But my bloodwork all came back great. Then I told her how I had this varicose vein. Then she decided to tell me about all the warning signs of pre-eclampsia. At the time I wasn't concerned. Didn't think much of it. My urine from that day's visit was fine. But after I left, I started replaying everything she said, and I started to feel like she was hinting that maybe I was showing early signs of just possibly having pre-eclampsia. Late night google searching got me paranoid.
So then this week I've been feeling faint. Having dizzy spells. Well I guess really just being light-headed. I really didn't have that with my first pregnancy. It just seemed to be continuing. Throughout the day and at random times. So, after having one of these spells, I decided to call the nurse. She said to go home from work, lie on my side, drink lots of fluids and see the midwife ASAP. Eeeek! Maybe there WAS something wrong! I finally was able to leave work, finally went to the midwife, and all was fine. Sheesh. I still feel light headed though so I guess it's just one more joy of being pregnant.

So I'm ok, Aaron is ok, and we're starting to get our house back to normal. If anyone were to stop by right now you'd see the evidence of our crazy week(s), that's for sure.

In closing, some cute Sam stuff:
Sam talks in his sleep sometimes. I was sleeping with him in his bed and I heard him saying "ok, baby brother, dip your chicken in the barbecue...now chew chew chew chew" -- or something like that! He was dreaming that he was teaching his brother how to eat! Oh man, and then he said something else to his baby brother, but I forget what...he was teaching him something else. Darn. I should have written it down right away. OH! he said "play with me, baby brother! play with me!" So Sam is looking forward to his new partner in crime.