Meanwhile, back at the ranch...

I'm exhausted. I've been gone all day. Working all day and then this mom's night out thing with the neighborhood moms. Then I came home and Aaron had to rush off to work. So I got the kiddo to bed and I thought, gee, I want to write a blog.

But I left my blog in such shambles. All ugly and green with a header that didn't fit. Every time I went back to it I just didn't want to work on it. So, I decided to revamp the look. But I don't have the pics on this computer so I had to go to the other one. And the new design template stuff is a little confusing to me. And I couldn't find out where I had my header image and what size it was supposed to be and how to replace it. And photoshop was being super slow and I couldn't quickly zip through and resize what I wanted. And the time kept ticking on and I still have a visual mess of a blog. But whatever. What I felt like doing was writing so that's what I'll do.

Sorry it has been so long. I guess I'm not completely done with the blog after all. I thought maybe I was. I guess the big change is that...
dun dun dun
I'm pregnant!
So I want to go through it all again. Because. Well, maybe pregnancy makes me crazy. It makes me all reflective and introspective and curious and pretty much self-obsessed. So obsessed with how things are changing -- inside, outside. How things will continue to change inside and outside. I feel excited and scared and all of that stuff.

Today, mostly I feel worried.

So, I went to this girl's night out with the local moms. The new neighborhood has been really good. There area bunch of toddler's and Sam sort of has neighborhood friends. Very fun. Since I'm really not good at organizing activities for the little one, the impromptu playgroups at the park really are great. We can do them at our convenience and we see many of the same faces over and over. Which is good for a shy guy like Sam; he takes a while to warm up to new people. So the neighborhood mom's needed a night out a few months ago and organized a get together. They had another last month that I had to miss, and now tonight was the third gathering. I was sort of dreading it. I like the ladies, but, beyond being moms, I'm not really sure what we have in common. All the more reason to gather I guess.

I dunno it was awkward, but it was a good time. It was fun to go out and nice to have conversations with them beyond broken exchanges at the park. I wonder if I try to dominate conversation too much. Like if I'm not directly involved with a conversation I don't know how I fit in so I always try to interject. That's super annoying. I hope I'm not like that. Oh well.

Anyway, mostly I wanted to write because all of the other moms had two kids, except for two of us, and the two of us are pregnant (due at almost the same time!). What did I discover talking with these moms?

They are unhappy. They are worn out. They feel under appreciated. They long for child-free moments, which for them are so rare. These were all highly educated stay at home moms (I think one other mom works 10 hrs/wk). I was reminded of all these articles I've read about how having kids seems directly related to being less happy -- some statistics showing those without kids are indeed happier than those with. Is this true? Are all these parents and moms full of misery and sorrow?

I don't feel that way. I guess I feel pretty good, really. Sure I get down, but it isn't because I'm a mom. I don't feel like there are things I want to be doing that I can't be doing. Sure, I get stressed out when Sam is fussy and I have a bunch of stuff to get done and he needs more attention than I want to give him. But everyday I feel this joy from being with him that is unlike anything I felt before. He makes me laugh. Every little thing about life becomes new again. I learn it again. I try to see it through his eyes. Being a mom has made me feel more complete and more happy. I tried to explain a little of this with the other moms and no one else seemed to respond. Is it because they cannot relate? Is it because they have two kids and I just bask in the fun of one? Is it because I am working? Because Aaron and I alternate days of childcare? So we cannot go crazy from consecutive days of caring for a being that needs you all of the time?

Probably it was really nothing. And I am reading far more into things that weren't even there. Probably it was a group of tired moms that looked forward to having a table full of like-minded individuals where they could complain about things like kids and husbands to others who understood. Not that it is the complete story of their emotional lives, but rather a chance to vent some ordinarily pent up frustrations. And I was the annoying one in the corner saying "oh, my in-laws aren't bad" and "oh, sam brings me such joy" and all that junk.

(However, one husband did call his wife and let her hear the kids crying and then hang up -- no conversation...she got the hint, the party broke up, and we went home.)

Oh well, whatever. I guess it left me scared about how things might change. But I feel good too. I mean, I get jealous of all these ladies. Well, I get jealous of everyone. Big houses, nice cars, good incomes, blah blah blah. But I think the simple arrangement Aaron and I have figured out provides a balance we would not achieve if I worked more and had more money (being independently wealthy would be a whole different story of course...).

So anyway, I hope you moms out there are happy in your choices. You are sacrificing, but does it feel like a sacrifice? You are giving and giving and giving, but does it really feel thankless? Does it get that much harder once you have another one? Maybe I'm being a Pollyanna but I guess that's kind of a good and different twist for me.

And for those of you who don't know:
I have a two year old who uses the potty (!) and talks (!) and no longer uses a pacifier to sleep, sleeps in his own toddler bed, solves problems, and continues to grow so amazingly in front of my eyes. They days and weeks and months go by so fast. I do not easily measure the milestones I expected that first year so it is almost as though I miss them. But he is growing and changing so much. He is tall. He is funny. He comes up with his own ideas. He draws pictures of dinosaurs. He is going to be the big bad wolf for halloween (I suggested wolf and he said he wanted to be the "big bad" wolf). He is so fun. I will have to find stories to retell and photos to post. It is too bad I haven't made a record of everything. He is also just such a nice boy. He hugs the kids at the playground (of course, not all of them want him to), he helps kids when they fall down. He is sensitive and sweet.

I am trying to soak up every Sam minute I can before the new baby comes because I know everything will change.

Oh, I'm 12 weeks pregnant at the time of writing this. I think I will post it once I'm 13 weeks along and sort of officially "in the clear". Baby is due end the of April/beginning of May (due dates be damned! but it's May 1st if you really want to know).