Blah.

So I got the flu after Sam did! Luckily it lasted only 24 hrs, and only about four of them were spent hugging a bucket.

I don't even know what I feel like writing. I feel weird about blogging. I feel weird about a lot of things right now. I think it's the coming of the big day ... the big Saturday. You know. The day I turn 30. I had been wanting to turn 30 because, well, I'm a mom and I think it sounds better to be 30 if you are a mom because people think that having kids is a 30-something thing to do. Ha ha. Lame right? Well anyway, I thought I was looking forward to it. But after the last number of months I realized that I was just feeling weird about this whole aging and becoming an adult thing.

I have never really welcomed birthdays, yet neither have I dreaded them. I always find them a bit isolating (ironic, as I am a twin) and melancholy and a time for good ol' self reflection which usually means a lot of self pity and moping.

Things are good right now. I have a good job. An amazing family. Things are good. So why feel down? I wish I could just come to terms with the fact that sometimes I will just feel down. That that is an ok feeling to have. That it doesn't mean that things are awful or that I am awful or that I'm doomed. It just means I don't feel well. I should think of it like having a cold. Not a permanent state of being. Just something that will take it's course and let me realize how nice things are when I'm not under the weather. When I'm back to normal.

...

And tonight, as I suffered from insecurity, a caffeine-withdrawal headache, and fear of growing up, my baby cried out after only laying quietly in his crib for about 20 minutes. At first frustrated that I would have to go lie down with him and ease him to sleep, I went in there, and surveyed the situation, tucked him back in and left him as he cried. Irritated that I wouldn't be able to quietly muse about my inner moping, I soon realized that I enjoyed the idea of pulling him into my arms and snuggling close, losing my complaints in our shared relaxation...and as that comfort reached me, he grew silent, drifting off to sleep, a room away.

You see I will never feel at rest because I am always a step behind. Or a step ahead. Or something.

...

Here are some more recent photos of our growing boy. He does so many funny things now. He develops his own sign language -- he came up with a sign for donut. Which, you know, reveals the importance of donuts in our lives.