Craziness

I need to update my banner. Silly to see winter Sam in the hot and humid summer weather. I guess it's kind of refreshing though.

So, when I post so infrequently it leaves too much to say that I don't know what to say.

We are still trying to buy a house. Today is the 25th. We were supposed to close today. Didn't happen. Supposed to close Monday, won't happen. So now the goal is Tuesday. I hope it happens. The couple who took over our lease needs to get in the night of the 30th. Oi. That's Wednesday. We have to be out by Wednesday. We have a lot of stuff packed. We have a lot more packing to do. But instead I'm writing this blog. Aaron is doing some packing. I have a hard time knowing what packing to do next. Like I need to clear things out before I can know what to pack up. We're running out of boxes. I don't know how many dishes to keep out. I've already had to dig things out of boxes that were already packed.

I'm a sloppy packer. I pack ahead and I seal boxes and everything -- it's not like I'm packing as I load the truck. But I will pack things that fit the box well or balance the weight load instead of good sorting. Aaron is a good sorter, good organizer. I make boxes full of miscellaneous things and label them "liz miscellaneous" this has been a joke amongst us for a good long while.

I'm scared that we're buying this house. It is a cute house. It is a small house. It is on a good street near nice parks with good schools, close to campus, close to the library, close to restaurants...we got a great down payment deal. I should feel confident in this choice. But I'm having cold feet. Home ownership is exciting but always more money, more work, more commitment than it seems at first. These are things that are good about it too -- you get to put money into it, you get to accrue money in it, you get to make it your own. But every little problem you have with it is you problem, and it is a burden. But I think it will be ok. I'm scared to have close neighbors. I hope they are ok. I'm nervous about "settling" though it's something I've wanted for a long time.

A lot of my insecurities come up just because of lack of confidence. I'm teaching again. Bring on the self doubt. The class is going well, the students are good workers -- it's all fine. But if there is anything to ruffle my feathers it's teaching. I guess it just isn't for me. I keep thinking with more experience I will gain confidence. But you know what? I guess I've been doing this for five years now -- how much experience do I need?? (it has been on and off for five years though). Anyway, that kind of insecurity just makes me insecure about all of my life choices and all of that. But really things are good. I should feel good. And I think I do feel good. Most of the time.

We are busy. Too busy. I'm working full time -- or just under, with the gallery and teaching. I can't believe there are couples where both parents work full time. Yikes. We are exhausted even with this arrangement. I get home from an 8-hour day and I'm exhausted. I don't have the energy to pack, to clean house, to entertain Sam with something better than a movie or lying next to him while he plays with cars on our bed. It's terrible. It's terrible to not have the energy for my son. I sorta feel like I'm a wimp. There are so many parents that do this all the time. Surely they don't neglect their children all the time like the way I feel I'm doing? I guess that's extreme. It's not really neglectful. But it sure isn't what I would want it to be.

And then I feel neglectful of my spouse. Our summer at one point was going to be very relaxed; I would work some and Aaron would have time for his art. His time is now all for Sam and moving and house chores. It's taking it's toll.

But we will get through it. It isn't long now, actually. We should close next week. We should move next week. I'll take time off of the gallery next week, only teaching (four hours/day, three days/week). Then I'll work one more week at the gallery and be off until August. Then I have the two job overlap again for a week, then it's back to the gallery only. So it will ease up. Of course Aaron is traveling all over the country and world with art shows, so we'll see how we sort that out. If anyone wants to come watch Sam for a couple of weeks in August, let me know!

I started looking into daycare options in the fall. I thought maybe two half days a week would help. Sam is more into playing with kids and we don't do that too much. And it would ease things up for the two working parents. But I dunno. It's expensive; it's scary. Aaron is probably teaching just two days/week next term, so alternating schedules won't be too bad. I don't know. OH! this is also instigated because the past two years we've had a cheap and reliable sitter living next door -- Meg! But now we're moving, and so is she. She got a good job downtown and just leased a sweet apartment above some downtown shops. Very cool.

So it's change, change, change. But I guess it's good. It is exhausting.

A mixture of pictures:

Playing guitar over video chat with Grandpa

Washing his car. Serious business.

Cake is way more important than smiling for the camera. (Aaron's bday!!)

More serious car washing

Hallway in the house that may soon to be ours.

Living room.

Kitchen

Showing body parts.

This is Sam's pout. He is a total 2 year old. If he doesn't get what he wants, we see this face in an instant. We probably give in too much. Here, he wants me to put the camera away.

My beautiful boy.

Mom, put the camera away!

This is my Sam.