10 Months old!

Yea for photos! My friend Esteban let me borrow his camera to test it out in case I want to buy one like his. Pretty good photos of the big boy!

I need to get to bed, so just a few notes to remember what Sam is up to as he turns 10 months old!!

• He waves hello and good bye and says "bah" and "ah" for bye and hi.
• He claps, especially to music. He claps if we sing "If you're happy and you know it (clap your hands)"
• He is working on more foods -- he likes crackers and cheese. I let him taste my ice cream too. Bad mom!
• He can now get from a seated position to his tummy for a crawl with no effort.
• He can pull himself to a seated position from lying down.
• He can pull himself to his knees from a lying down position.
• He can almost pull himself to a stand.
• He likes to walk around as we hold his hands or in his walker.
• He loves playing hide and seek when he's in his walker.
• He likes to try to sneak into the bathroom, I think because we don't really let him play in there.
• He likes touchable books a lot, like Pat the Bunny and stuff with textures and interactive parts.

Happy 10 months, Sam! You're so amazing!

My First Mother's Day!

It's been a great one! Some camera shopping (still haven't bought one), some fun spring cleaning/organizing, a yummy Japanese dinner, and the night's not over. Best of all, I have been able to spend the ENTIRE day with the guys I love, and we haven't been able to do that since, oh I don't know when. Extra bonus: A very generous blog reader sent me a mother's day card with a special gift that will help me get back to posting pictures of the boy -- THANK YOU!!

Today really has felt special and it makes me remember how my mom was never into mother's day and always thought it was just a commercialized day, so I don't remember doing anything very special for her. Now I wonder if I really let her know just how much I appreciated what she did for me. Hopefully I acknowledged her enough, and hopefully I did it more than once a year...

As I type Sam pulled himself from his tummy to his knees, using his toy box, and almost to his feet. My amazing baby boy is becoming a child before my very eyes. 

I guess this one is about sleep...

Well, here is another post without pictures. Perhaps it's good not to take hundreds of photos of my child every week.

Things have been a little bumpy as the semester draws to an end, but I think that I've made it over the big bumps so it's relatively smooth sailing from here on out. I have a little more grading to do over the weekend, a little file organization, and then I have to submit grades on Monday. Then it's all over. Phew!

Though the unemployment makes me a little wary, I am certainly looking forward to the new schedule and new routines. I'm pretty committed to pursuing my creative projects as a means of income, and that's really exciting. Even if I fail, I'm no worse off. More on that will come once some plans and ideas start to become reality.

In one week we will be seeing some of you in Ann Arbor! Yipee! It's been such a long time since I've been there, so I'm really looking forward to it. And my sister's boyfriend just bought a new house! So we get to see their new place and I'm quite excited about that. Sam's sleep has been rough, and so far every over night visit comes with at least one night of restless sleep, with Sam waking every hour, so that's yet another thing to look forward to!!

So, it's been a while, how about some ramblings on sleep!!
I am completely and utterly torn about how much a parent has control over their child's behavior. I imagine I will continue to contemplate this issue for the next, well, forever since I will now forever be a parent.

I should begin a sleep routine. I should. Now that my routine is done. But. We are going out of town next weekend. That can throw it all off. So I guess I should wait until after that. Right? What sleep routines have worked for you guys?

We are not without sleep. We are just not with constant or consistent sleep. Sam probably sleeps almost the recommended 14 hrs day -- usually around 11 hours at night and two or more hours in the form of two naps. But at night, Sam often wakes every three hours or more. He now CANNOT fall asleep without us there to comfort him. He now basically NEVER sleeps in his crib. He is either in our arms, on the couch with us, or in our bed. If we try to put him to bed in his crib either awake or asleep, he almost IMMEDIATELY rolls to his tummy, props himself up, and starts sobbing. So sometimes we try flipping him over, calming him down, and then as soon as we leave he rolls back over, props himself up, and starts sobbing again. I don't know how long we've waited. For those of you without kids, waiting while your child cries is just excruciating. Time all but stops. Five minutes feels like five hours. So, I can say I have tried to let him calm down on his own, but it never seems to work. Have I waited long enough?? I don't know. But I know I've waited 20 minutes. I *think* I've waited longer and I guess people wait much longer. I don't think it's cruel, but I sure can't seem to bring myself to do it. And so far I haven't seen any benefit to it since I'm so inconsistent so it just must seem like random abandonment.

See, back when Sam was about five or six months old, he could "self sooth". He would cry a bit, I'd go in and say everythign was ok. He'd cry a bit more and go to sleep. He didn't STAY asleep for extremely long periods, but he was going 3-5 hours every night, and sometimes more, so I really had no complaints. Often if he did wake, Aaron could just go quietly calm him with the pacifier and he'd easily drift back to sleep. Not anymore. If he wakes and we aren't there, there is hell to pay.

I think the tough sleep started when I went back to work and he started to get his teeth. We didn't force a good nighttime routine, and he was in pain. Bad combination. So, here we are, with our 10 month old who really cannot sleep alone.

And you know what? Part of me doesn't care. I now feel an emptiness when I sleep without him there, and I love sharing that time and closeness together. I don't live on a daily routine and I don't want to. I'm not entirely convinced that people really do "thrive" on routine. I'm not convinced that babies shouldn't need their mothers through the night. But am I just making excuses to go with what seems to be easiest? I do that a lot. But is this really easiest?

The other part of me gets so scared that I'm not helping my son to develop good sleep habits and that he will be plagued by sleep troubles for the rest of his life. And this part also gets overwhelmed when the boy won't go to sleep so that I can have some of my own time at night. (oh, side note: when i get frustrated at Sam because, well, ok, i can have a temper sometimes, i have taken to making funny faces at him or making funny screams -- often sam just finds this entertaining and humorous -- sometimes he laughs even, which makes me laugh -- great way to defuse the temper!!).

Well it seems EVERYONE swears by routine for sleep. Young or old. Routine helps troubled sleep. SO with my change of schedule I need to get on a routine. Wish me luck. Let me know what routines work for you. I am still not convinced that it will work, but I can't knock it until I've tried it. How long do I have to keep at it before I get to give up?? (there's the wrong starting attitude, huh?)

PS
I do have some questions about how to do this. I should actually read some sleep advice books. Sam is a good napper, for example, but he naps at various times of the day based on however our day ends up being. If you enforce specific nap times, how do you start it? It must be a weird transition...because I assume just because I pick a time for nap he won't necessarily want to sleep during that time. And do you wake them when they "should" be awake? One mom suggested that.

PPS
And another thing, some parents of multiple children swear it's just the personality of the child -- some are easy sleepers, some aren't. But then I must stay that I haven't met any parent who sticks by a pretty rigid routine who has a baby who DOESN'T sleep well. But then again, if your baby doesn't sleep well despite your efforts to keep a routine...wouldn't you ditch the routine? I would...

Well. yeah.

I turned it down. I know in my heart it was the right thing for my family. Aaron isn't questioning it all. But I guess I wonder. I still worry what it means for the pocketbook. I told them that I was only available part time. She was pretty sure that they needed some one full time. I said I understood. She said they might be able to do a position of maybe 10 hrs/wk organizing arts events, etc. That would be terrific.

I of course am fully second guessing myself, which, of course I would be doing if I accepted the position too. There are those who think I did the right thing, and those who think I should have taken the position. I guess when it comes down to it, I am just not yet ready to give up on the idea that my husband and I can be the primary care givers to our son.

Second Interview

It went well! I made a few awkward fumbles, but all in all it was good. I felt deceitful, or something, like i knew I wasn't going to take the job and was leading them on. It's not like that, but it sure felt that way. Both interviews have been cool because a lot of the interview is spent off on what seems like tangents, but it's more like I'm already on staff there and we are just coming up with ideas about how the library could reach the public and get involved doing this or that.

It's hard for me to tell how many other people they are interviewing. They said I should hear from them in the next few days. Maybe I won't even get an offer. I still rather hope I don't. I still sorta feel like I should take it if they offer. I still really don't want to take it.

I need to get a new camera so I can continue to post tons of Sam pics. Maybe I will do that. Irresponsible -- buy new camera, don't take job. Will I ever grow up?

Thanks again for your suggestions/comments/support!

What do I do?

Ok faithful blog readers, I need your opinions.

I think the public library is going to offer me the job (the one I just interviewed for -- this is not THE library that I used to work for). I don't know for sure, of course, but I have a second interview on Saturday. Aaron took the call about scheduling the second interview and they said "i think she knows we want her". So that sounds positive. Trouble is, I don't want it. I want to stay home with my son. I have been wanting employment and complaining about my unemployability, but when I finally have a decent prospect, I don't want it. Am I doomed to be disappointed even when I get what I want??

Here's the thing: We don't need me to work full time. But we do kinda need me to work at least part time. I haven't found a part time job. I *might* be able to get more adjunct work from the university in the fall, but one never knows. I *might* be able to get adjunct work at the community college, but again, one never knows, at least until a contract is in hand.

I really liked the people I interviewed with. I like the description of the job. It's not glamorous, but they actually want someone with advanced education (despite the low salary of course, but hey, it's a non-profit), and they are all about making the library the cultural-hub of the community. A lofty goal perhaps, but really aligned to my idealized notions of art and community. This position would have a lot to do with organizing and promoting cultural events for the community, as well as networking with other cultural groups on campus and throughout the city. The position also comes with good benefits, sick time, vacation time...

So the problem? It's full time. The hours vary, as the library is open evenings and weekends, so that's actually good for us. But it's full time. We would have to hire someone to help watch Sam. I would be away from Sam for 40 hours/wk. 40 hours each week as he grows and develops and changes every day.

I just don't know if I can do that. I would rather be with my son than take this job. But I might strongly prefer this job to another job. And I think I will need to have A job.

I dream about starting up my own business -- another idealized notion in my head and one that seems to make sense when opportunities don't seem to already exist. I mean, if the opportunities aren't there, then I might as well make my own, right? But obviously creating my own business is 10 times the work than just finding a job that already exists.

How have you parents out there dealt with this? What do you think I should do? Does the nation's failing economy mean I should take what I can get? Or go ahead and live on meager means like everyone else?

Which is the more important sacrifice? Sacrifice my time in order to have a job that can help support the family? Or sacrifice the steady reliable pay check and health insurance for time with my son?

The time goes by so fast. I just don't want to miss more than I have to.

Taste of Summer

Spirits are lifting. Saturday Aaron checked his email to see a job offer to scan in the Archives -- my initial summer job here that lead to my grad assistantship. Yes, this is the very same department that did not offer me the job they created for me. Sigh. Anyway, it's terrific news. It might only be for a month or two since the budget for the new fiscal year is still up in the air, but something is WAY better than nothing.

Also, the weather has been hot and summery and it's completely making me feel better. Maybe I need to move to a different climate.

Today my students do their final presentations and it's basically the end of the semester. Some awkward odds and ends to resolve for the Coordinator part of my job this semester, but I'm feeling like things are freeing up. I'm also again trying to look at my awkward transition period as a period of opportunity. We'll see how long I stay in this mode of thinking, but I'm happy to have it. And thanks for your well-wishes of course.

New Sam news: He claps! He says "bah" and waves good bye! He also really likes to try to bite noses and is good at climbing all over things.