My Son

So yeah, I'll have pics one of these days. I lost the cord to my camera so I don't have easy uploading.

I just wanted to acknowledge some recent stories and experiences with my growing son. Mostly emotional ramblings from a pregnant woman.

Days when I don't try to work from home and am just HOME with Sam are very nice. We get along well. We have fun. We do things together. Usually I try to do too many things and it interferes with our daily rhythms. So: I am currently trying to wean myself from checking work email on my days off. This is hard. My job is defined as 20 hrs/week and often it requires more work than that. I have recently had to put a lot more extra hours in, so I'm trying to cut back and even take some time off to make up for it. That of course takes it's toll too and then I feel behind on stuff. Anyway, one way I try to stay on top of stuff is doing email stuff from home. Faculty do it all the time because they have to, so it is not that unusual for me to resolve things after Sam goes to bed at night. But what does this do? It ruins the barrier between my time and work time. It keeps me checking in on work stuff all day long "just in case". It keeps me distracted and it keeps me stressed out. The process of weaning myself from working at home is gonna actually take some time. I checked my email twice today. I thought about work a lot more. But I know that I will be happier and likely just as productive if I can make this separation. Wish me luck.

So yeah, Sam and I had a good day. Sometimes it makes me sad that he has to grow up. It is all so bittersweet, I guess. Today I stared into his eyes and just had to ask him "where did you come from?" because it is simply a miracle. Sam has truly shown me what unconditional love is. I love him with every part of me. He does not have to behave a certain way, or do anything particular, he just is, and I love him. Sam's cute response to the question was a tilt of his head and a shrug as he said "no me I know." I told him he came from my belly just like his baby brother and he thought that was funny. I tell him annoying mom stuff like how he was and will always be a part of me. Let's see how I can start messing my kid up from the very beginning, huh? But there is just this amazing and mysterious connection that I cannot begin to find words for. Maybe this is why people read poetry.

Tonight as I was saying good night he hugged me tight and said he would never let me go. not EVER! and I said I would never let him go either and told him a silly story about a boy named Sam and his mom and how they never let go of each other. He doesn't realize the meaning of these silly games to a hormonal pregnant mom who is watching her first born baby turn into an independent creative person.

Another bittersweet moment I meant to write about last time and completely forgot about and is now the impetus for this writing too:
Sam at the mall play area.
Meg, Sam, and I went to the mall the other day. We went after his nap so that meant we went late. Sam is pretty patient but he did get bored of clothing shopping. We had dinner at Panera, and that was good. Finally had to give in and let Sam PLAY which had been my bribe the whole time anyway.

The mall has a little play area for young kids. I try not to think about the germs which abound, because, really, what am I gonna do? Anyway, we finally get over there, take off his shoes (since shoes aren't allowed) and let him play. He lights up and is so excited. There are some older kids running around in circles playing some sort of tag-like game. Sam is too young for tag. He loves running and chasing, though. He is eager to join in the fun. He stands back, big smile, wide eyes, trying to figure out how to join in the fun. Finally, he braves it and goes for it.

There is an older girl (6?), boy of around 4 or 5?? and then a younger boy maybe 3 or so. The oldest kids are playing kinda rough, but Sam loves wrestling type games so it doesn't intimidate him too much. They get to the opposite side of the play area and I see the older boy stop Sam and tell him something. Sam looks perplexed and a little worried. The kids continue to run while Sam waits. Then Sam starts running again. A little later, the kid stops him again. This time the two boys put their arms around each other and say something too him. Again, they are across the room from me so I can't tell what's going on. Immediately my heart sinks. Is this it? Is Sam already being left out? I am thrown back to every socially awkward moment of my life where I felt like I never fit in. That I was never accepted. I want to run over there and ask what's going on. To defend him. But at least I know enough to stay put. Shortly thereafter, Sam is running after them again anyway. He is so focused on them that he doesn't see where he is going and runs right into a wall. He cries and I rush to his aid. His only words are "play more!!" and I say "of course, go ahead!" and he gets back to playing.

At one point I asked him if the kids had told him that he couldn't play with them. He said "no!!" and that they said he could indeed play with them.There are lots of other kids there, and by now he isn't trying to break into any groups. He is just playing. I think the bigger kid was being dragged home by his mom anyway. And finally, I too had to drag a tired Sam home, as it was time to get ready for bed and we were still at the mall. Later I asked him what the kids said to him. He said that they said hi and introduced themselves.

It was a pivotal moment for me. To see him as a social entity. A piece separate from me, yet still so connected. All of my personal emotions and social baggage coloring my perception of a harmless exchange. The realization that my son will develop his own ways of relating. That he may be outgoing where I would withdraw. That he will like some people and not others. That some people will like him, and some people won't. I just hope that I don't inadvertently push any social anxieties or eccentricities upon him.

He may only be 2 1/2, but my little boy is growing up.

Updates and such

I wonder if anyone even reads this since I post so infrequently. No matter.

Some random pregnancy-related feelings/thoughts:

• I am SOO pregnant. I am way bigger than I was the first time and have yet to even take a belly pic. Annoying people ask if I'm sure I'm not having twins. I smile and laugh and pretend I think it's funny and that they'll have to roll me down the hallways pretty soon, or something dumb like that. No, I don't think it's funny.
  
• I hope you will know, little baby boy who still lives inside me, that I think about you often. I don't have the luxury of documenting every bit of this pregnancy like I did the first time. Go ahead, blame your brother (just kidding).
• Work is a mess. Pregnancy has made me tired. I have volunteered for things I shouldn't have volunteered for. I cannot follow through with commitments the way I like to. It is hard for the ego.
• This baby MOVES. He is ALWAYS moving. He kicks here, there, spins around. It is nice to know he is doing ok! But seriously, little guy, don't have to jab the ribs and the bladder all at the same time, do you?
• Sam seems to have named the baby. Sam is set on a name and Aaron and I can't yet think of one we like more. Is it bad to have your toddler name his own brother? Hmm.
• I have a varicose vein. A varicose vein! Yuck!! Thank you pregnancy (and I can probably blame my lack of exercise). I hope it goes away after pregnancy, but we'll see. I guess people aren't staring at my upper inner thigh, but still...
• I'm sure I won't escape stretch-mark free with this pregnancy, like I did the last one. But I have never worn a bikini in my life, so why start now?
• Sam and I have gone to a pool twice so far this winter. Yes, I who fear swim suits, have practically bared it all with giant stomach and everything. Sam should know this is out of pure love for him. (But everyone is right: it does feel nice to have that weightlessness of water when you're this pregnant. I walked out of the pool and felt SO HEAVY.)
• I'm about 30 weeks pregnant right now. Six weeks till baby is "to term". I still think this will be a May baby (May 1 due date) but it could be April. But I said that about Sam too. He was due July 2, arrived July 10.
  
• I have more aches and pains this time around. Older? Hauling toddler around? Body's in worse shape? Bigger belly? I don't know. Maybe all of the above. My tailbone aches and has since pretty darn early on, but not constantly. This is called coccygea. I saw a physical therapist for it but at the time it wasn't acting up and everything was in alignment so no big deal. She gave me some exercises I fail to do regularly.
• We really haven't started prepping for this guy to come. We still have some time though. But I don't yet know what it is we need to get and whatnot. I guess I ought to get some diapers... those usually are important, right?
  

And in Sam Land:

• I can't believe what a kid he is.
  
• He's 2.5 years old now.
• He talks a lot, but is not always easy to understand.
• He likes to be the boss.
  
• If he doesn't get what he wants, he knows how to turn on a tantrum in an instant.
• I'm still learning ways to deal with said tantrums. I am starting to try more and more to not let him boss me around when we play and stuff like that. Hopefully it will start to help. Having a baby brother will probably be good for him, but definitely hard.
• Sam knows his right and left.
• Sam is excited for his baby brother. He says he is is friend. He says "I like baby brother" and stuff like that. He likes to say hi to him and feel him move in my tummy.
• A popular game these days is Big Bad Wolf. Sometimes T-Rex is the wolf. Sometimes Sam puts on a costume. A lot of building Lincoln Log houses and having him knock them down. And lots of hiding.
• He will sometimes say stuff like "mom...mom...mom..." and I reply "sam...sam...sam?" and he says "Me like youuuuu!". And I say "well I love you too, Sam." "No, me LIKE you..."

So yeah. That's some stuff. Now to movie and ice cream...

2011

So we survived the holidays. I guess it wasn't that bad -- it was rather a roller coaster for me, and I attribute a lot of it to pregnancy. So those of you who had to endure the lows, my apologies, and my thank you for your patience.

What were some of the highs and lows, you ask? I'll spare the details, but let's just say having the whole family sick, hosting a revolving door of guests, anxiety, loss of sleep, and crazy pregnancy-induced emotional waves left me exhausted, less than level-headed, and a big cranky scrooge. Didn't take much to send me over the edge. And even at the end of it, Sam split his lip open playing New Years Eve and spent the evening of New Years Day vomiting. Happy New Year!

For the highs, though, this was Sam's first Christmas that he really got into and sort of "understood" (as in deciding that getting new toys and opening presents is FUN FUN FUN). We had our first Christmas tree in something like five years, so that was fun also (Sam was really sad to see it go). We had perfect Christmas snow. And it was very nice that so many family members wanted to take the trek to come and see us for the holidays. Sam is a pretty reserved little guy, but he understands family and gets so excited to spend time with all of his relatives. So, all in all, everything was ok.

And it was nice to have the time off. Aaron and I got to spend more time together than we have as of late, and that was really good. Now we are back to the grind. It's Aaron's last semester, which means prepping for his big MFA show. He also has a new class he's teaching. And then there is the job hunt too. So I have to get used to not seeing him again. At least it's only temporary.

Sam continues to grow at what feels like phenomenal rates. He seems tall, but I have no relative sense of measurement. I just see him running around this house and think -- "Wow, what a kid." He is so funny and talking all the time. His speech might still be a bit slow compared to other peers, but at the rate he's developing I have little concern. Still not sure if he'll qualify for the preschool program we're hoping he can do next year (I think I wrote about that on here but I'm not sure. But he'd have to qualify as a "typical peer" in terms of his speech language development). We seem to have transitioned him to his "big kid" twin bed now, with the understanding that he's a big boy and his new little brother will need the little bed. I think he's excited about sharing a room with his little brother, but I still sort of have no idea how sleep is going to work when the new baby arrives.

Pregnancy is going fine. I'm having a wave of exhaustion that seems to me more to do with diet and holiday aftermath. It keeps me from being productive though and I feel guilty about that. Sort of feel like I'm doing the minimum at work, and maybe that's just a misconception (like people thinking I should be there to help install their shows -- in the past I probably would have tried to arrange to do this, but now I just make it clear that that's not my job, but they can call if they have problems). The baby keeps very active which helps me feel like everything is going well. At the last doctor's appointment on Monday my midwife confirmed that the ultrasound revealed that all looks good. I'm something like 23 or 24 weeks along now. I still feel like this guy will come late like Sam did, but who knows. Heartburn is already setting in. I am becoming more aware of my increasing volume, as I run into things when I think I can fit through smaller spaces than I can actually fit through. I was telling a male friend of mine that it feels like walking around with a backpack -- you forget how big you are. I've kind of gained a lot it seems, and I think I'll gain more this pregnancy than the first. But I no longer have fears that it will be WAY more than the first. I know my belly will be bigger. I'm definitely one month or more bigger than I was at this point in my pregnancy last time. I'm also at the mid-point of the pregnancy that seems like the birth is far far away, but at the rate time is moving I feel like it is tomorrow. I started going through the baby clothes and things we saved and we're really stocked. I guess it's good we're having a boy! I really don't think we need to buy any new clothes. The only baby item I know for sure we'll need are some new cotton prefold diapers. Those things are so useful.

And so that is that! It may have been a rough end to 2010/beginning to 2011, but all in all 2010 was a pretty good year and I think 2011 will be pretty good too. I expect some serious emotional highs and lows with the transformations our family will be going through (new baby, Aaron finishing school/new job/no job, etc.), but we have such fun together and are so excited for our new family member that I feel pretty optimistic that things will be ok.

Putting Sam to bed tonight seems like a pretty good example of what life is for me right now: Our bedtime routine is long. Tonight he was being difficult about putting his pajamas on, but we did it. Then for brushing teeth he was goofing around and almost fell off his stool and bumped his head, so he was upset about that. Then we got to D's bed to read stories and Sam was upset because when I set him up there he almost fell down "don't do that mom!". But we read stories, and it was nice. And he ran to get his dad for "good night time!" and then scurried to his big boy bed and hid under the covers (this is now a standard part of good night). Aaron pretended to sniff him out. Then we went into the long routine of "Little Boy" story (a story about a Little Boy Named Sam). Then I had to sing "Dream By Night" (aka "Flying Dreams" from Secret of Nimh -- this has become our lullaby. Well, a bastardized mashed up version.). And Aaron had to sing the "Frisbee" song. The "Frisbee" song is one that Aaron made up after Sam was trying to tell me to sing "Dream By Night" but didn't know what to call it and was making a silly swooping hand motion and at some point said "Frisbee" (might have actually been "Brisby" because that's the name of the mice in Secret of Nimh) so we just went with it, and now is part of the regular bedtime routine. During that, we also had family hugs that bumped Mom and Dad's heads together, a giggle fit, lots of hugs and kisses. It was exhausting. It was tedious. Part of it is just Sam avoiding going to bed. But it is so fun. It is so sweet. I cannot tell him I won't sing for him because I just love the fact that he asks. And if he asks for one more hug and kiss, what am I going to say? These are beautiful moments that both give and take everything from me. So after Sam goes to bed, when I finally have my time, what can I do? Just about nothing. I'm zapped. So now I sit amidst a pile of unfolded clothes, slowly folding away, and writing this blog. Will the pile of dishes get done tonight? Not likely. Will I get caught up on the other projects I told people I would do. Nope. I'll finish the clothes and watch some junk on Netflix, and go to bed. I will feel overwhelmed with what I didn't do, but really, I don't think I'd do things too differently.

Sam snippets

We're all sick. This is the first time we've all come down with a cold at the same time. Sort of the first time Sam has had a cold, so I guess I shouldn't complain. He's had a 24 hour stomach flu (that was awful) and then I think he had a cold a while ago, but it was very mild and short-lived. So this is the first time where we're stuck inside for days, all coughing, sneezing, and stuffy nosed. All of us. Uck. But I think Sam and I are on the mend. Aaron isn't sure he is yet. I hope we're all feeling better real soon because Christmas is right around the corner and we have oodles of visitors a-comin'.

Sick or not, I'm leaving the house tomorrow to get a haircut, if nothing else. It's been many months. I have bad highlights growing out that I can't do anything about really since I'm pregnant, but at least getting rid of the fuzzy ends will hopefully make things feel better! And I better decide on something to make for Christmas dinner and hit the grocery store as well.

Sam is so funny. He's been such a charmer lately. The other night he was drawing with his dad beside the Christmas tree, listening to an old Christmas record and he just told us "me happy, me happy". We said, "you're happy??" and he said "'kay." (he says okay for any positive yes word). Then he asked his dad if he was happy, then he asked me if I was happy. Then he looked at me around the chair and said "kiss!" and asked me to come over and give him a kiss. What a sweetheart.

And tonight while prolonging actually going to bed, he wanted to sing me a song. He stood in front of me with his hands clasped behind his back and smiled coyly, then covered his face and giggled. I suggested the Lollipop Guild song from Wizard of Oz. I asked if he wanted me to sing it with him and he said "No!" So then he built up the courage to perform, singing "Lollipop Guild! Lollipop Guild!" over and over, starting off shy and soon dancing all through the house.

Also tonight he did a lot of singing "Barbara Ann" with his dad; Aaron used his plastic microphone while Sam played his guitar with a makeshift guitar strap he put together. He was really hamming it up. Got into Huey Lewis' "Power of Love" too.

Oh! And also prolonging bedtime tonight: He wanted to drink some water and surely spilled a little on his pants. I said, "Don't worry, it will dry." He fussed about getting some dry pants. I gave in with a huffy "Fine." (because I'm so grown up and mature) and gave him a dirty look. As I left the room to get the dry pants he said "Love you too, Mom."

And another cute moment... Aaron was coughing in the other room and Sam said "D sick?" (Dad is always D). I said "yes." Sam said "me sick too." and then "mom." (because mom is sick too). Then he asked "Baby?" haha. I said "No Sam, I think the baby is ok." He'll give me bites of food for the baby too.

And speaking of baby. We have such the wiggle worm here! He's always rolling and tumbling around. I think I can kind of feel him from the outside now too. We have made little progress on names (please, feel free to share suggestions). I also have realized that I'm kind of sad that I won't be having a daughter. I'm not sad that our new guy is a boy, but since we're not (at this point in our lives) planning to have more than two children, this is it. I will be a mom of two sons. I guess I just always imagined I'd have a daughter. I feel really silly or guilty to say it, but it's true. I want excuses to buy stupidly cute little girl things and all of that. But announcing this loud and publicly seems to help me get over it. I love my little boy now, and I'm sure it will be love at first sight with my second little guy too. And how nice that they are brothers and will have each other. Still, those of you with baby girls watch out. I may just have to shower you with girl stuff.

It's a...

BOY!

But you all know that already anyway, thanks to Facebook and email.

I realize now that I really thought it was going to be a girl. I'm not SURPRISED that it's a boy, I just thought it would be a girl and most of my day dreaming was of girl stuff and girl names and what not. I'm glad we decided to find out the gender because now we can actually start thinking about who our little guy is and Sam can prepare for his little brother. Little brother!! So fun.

This little guy already seems to have his own personality (which, you know, is obvious, but still...). He wiggles and moves ALL the time. He wouldn't stay still during the ultrasound either. I wonder what that will mean :-/ Of course you feel the movements a lot more second time around, and this time we have a posterior placenta and the first time we had anterior placenta so that has a big impact on how you feel it all.

Anyway, we are all just so excited to have had a chance to see him move and have all his parts and all of that. He's really there! He's with us already! It's pretty amazing.

In other news, work has slowed down, we're prepping for the holidays. Mike & Sarah will visit, as will my dad, and then Aaron's parents will even be able to stop by for a couple of nights. It will be nice to have time with family.

Here are some Christmas Sam pics:

Winter Updates

It's cold. It has been cold. There is snow. There is ice. It's too cold. But I definitely prefer cold with snow to cold without. At least it's pretty and feels like Christmas.

We have a Christmas tree! I think our first in five years. We just picked it up at the grocery store. I hope it lasts until Christmas! It is full of weird and charming (to us, anyway) ornaments, primarily made by friends and family. I am sitting writing this post by the glow of the lights. We've been watching Christmas movies and listening to the Erlewine Christmas Tape (now as mp3s, of course). I have to say that one awesome thing about kids is holidays. They become really fun again. Sam is starting to understand all of these things, and it is so fun to share traditions and excitement with him. I'm having a hard time deciding what gift to get him though. I've purchased a lot of small odds and ends and want to have some presents under the tree before Christmas, but then some for the magic of Christmas morning too. But I also don't want to go overboard. It's too much money, too much commercialism, too much consumerism, and my two year old would be happy with so many simple things. Plus, I know his extended family will also shower him with goodies. It is interesting to figure out how we are going to "do Christmas," mixing different family traditions -- trying to relive those of our own past, yet forge our own new ones. Do we tell him all about Santa? Do we really try to make him believe all the stories? I guess we'll see.

In other news, the semester is winding to a close. I don't have a real break like those academic appointments do, but still, half time work, flexible hours, and decrease in faculty/activity around campus will feel like a break. And I could use one. I never thought about my job as being particularly physical, but in the last month or so it has become increasingly apparent that there are aspects of my job that I cannot (or SHOULD not, which may be more accurate) perform. It is not uncommon for me to haul stuff around, do lifting, climb ladders, paint walls, and all sorts of not-recommended-for-pregnant-ladies activities. It has been really hard to not be "able" to do them, particularly when I feel like I am perfectly able. Quite frankly, this may be the aspect of pregnancy I like the least. Feeling incapable, or like that fragile little lady in "delicate condition". The human body is strong; the female body is designed to protect this womb in amazing ways. Pregnant women are now encouraged to exercise and do all sorts of things. At the same time, I guess ladders and heavy lifting are still no-nos. Sigh. Anyway, next semester should be ok though. I've managed to get myself a grad assistant for the term. It won't be renewable (because of funding) but at least I'll have someone to help me with all that stuff, as well as the tasks I never seem to be able to do in just 20 hrs/week. Also, if baby comes early (or even on time), there will be someone there to oversee things while I'm off.

In Sam development news, all is going great. He's a kid now. He's talking more and more every week. He still can be a bit hard to decipher. Sentences are still primarily 2-4 words long, but he may have done 5 or more words now. He is getting really into singing. Often gets the words at the end of a phrase and speak-sings more than sings. Some of his favorites are "Charlie Brown" and "Barbara Ann," "Happy Birthday,"... He likes "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer" and "Frosty the Snowman" too. He is a really funny kid and most of all really nice and sweet. I'm so proud of him and who he is. I am always unsure as to what impact a parent really has on who their child is. I think we really just lucked out with this guy, but if I can take credit for it, I will. He's just a really neat kid. Today we had a nice day that again started with too much TV (he's into the cartoon Josie & the Pussycats -- "pussycat! pussycat! watch that!") but then we had a playdate, went to Walmart (complete with toddler meltdown -- I felt right at home in the socially questionable Walmart), lunch, nap. After nap Sam made lasagna with me, he did a huge poop in his pants (he is struggling with doing #2 on the potty), had dinner, took a bath, then had hot cocoa and watched some of a movie with me. Good day.

I have some work to do but don't feel like it. But I should probably get to it since it's 11 pm. Tomorrow is our office holiday party. Hope that's ok and not too awkward. I have to set up and clean up because there are only four of us in the office right now, including the head of the school, so...

Some snow pics of Sam:

New Post

Today started off very nice. Sam and I have had too much TV time (cold out, and I'm always tired). BUT we did make salt dough Christmas ornaments and that was a lot of fun. Then this afternoon I had to go to work and it was work. Sigh. There are days when I love my job and days when I want to run away. Do you suppose there are any jobs out there that don't include the wanting to run away feeling?? I guess I don't think there are. There are always colleagues that are awkward to deal with. Always tasks that you'd rather not do. Or reasons to cause second guessing and self doubt. I'm trying to get over that, or just accept it and not let it get me down. I need tricks on how to do this though.

Sam and ornament making: