Blah.

So I got the flu after Sam did! Luckily it lasted only 24 hrs, and only about four of them were spent hugging a bucket.

I don't even know what I feel like writing. I feel weird about blogging. I feel weird about a lot of things right now. I think it's the coming of the big day ... the big Saturday. You know. The day I turn 30. I had been wanting to turn 30 because, well, I'm a mom and I think it sounds better to be 30 if you are a mom because people think that having kids is a 30-something thing to do. Ha ha. Lame right? Well anyway, I thought I was looking forward to it. But after the last number of months I realized that I was just feeling weird about this whole aging and becoming an adult thing.

I have never really welcomed birthdays, yet neither have I dreaded them. I always find them a bit isolating (ironic, as I am a twin) and melancholy and a time for good ol' self reflection which usually means a lot of self pity and moping.

Things are good right now. I have a good job. An amazing family. Things are good. So why feel down? I wish I could just come to terms with the fact that sometimes I will just feel down. That that is an ok feeling to have. That it doesn't mean that things are awful or that I am awful or that I'm doomed. It just means I don't feel well. I should think of it like having a cold. Not a permanent state of being. Just something that will take it's course and let me realize how nice things are when I'm not under the weather. When I'm back to normal.

...

And tonight, as I suffered from insecurity, a caffeine-withdrawal headache, and fear of growing up, my baby cried out after only laying quietly in his crib for about 20 minutes. At first frustrated that I would have to go lie down with him and ease him to sleep, I went in there, and surveyed the situation, tucked him back in and left him as he cried. Irritated that I wouldn't be able to quietly muse about my inner moping, I soon realized that I enjoyed the idea of pulling him into my arms and snuggling close, losing my complaints in our shared relaxation...and as that comfort reached me, he grew silent, drifting off to sleep, a room away.

You see I will never feel at rest because I am always a step behind. Or a step ahead. Or something.

...

Here are some more recent photos of our growing boy. He does so many funny things now. He develops his own sign language -- he came up with a sign for donut. Which, you know, reveals the importance of donuts in our lives.

The Problem With Blogging (warning: long post)

The problem with blogging is that when you stop, it's hard to start. Where do you begin? Do you catch everyone up on what has been happening in your life? To get too into details or insights would make such a lengthy post. And I guess I just don't know how much more interest I have in blogging. It may have to do with employment. Now that I have been working, it makes it hard to find the time to want to blog. The free time is so willingly spent elsewhere. And I suppose I see more people during my day and actually really talk to people so I don't feel as great of a need to express my thoughts. Hmm. Well, I have found reason time and time again to consult my past blog entries to realize when certain things happened, so I think, all in all, I'm happy to have this blog, even if it is just a journal to remind me of what happens in my life. I do not have a great memory, so, blogging helps. Anyway, here, again is at least one more post.

Oi. So. Let's see.

ERLEWINE CHRISTMAS
We finished the crazy term. It was fine. We went up to Michigan for an Erlewine Christmas. That was nice. Tom and Jeanette flew in from Texas, my dad came down from BR, and the Indiana crew of Aaron, me, Sam, Meg, and Juan made it up to Ann Arbor. The poor pups were in a kennel for the holiday. Here are some Christmas pics. Sam had a great time playing with his family. He warmed up to them right away and took a special liking to Jeanette, the kitties, stairs, and drums.

Sam signing "Help"

Sam telling me to take him over there.

With Uncle Tom

With his first laptop

Sam signing "hug"

pop up books!

Three little monkeys jumping on the bed...

Drums! (he liked the real drum set much more but I forgot to get pics)

NEMEC NEW YEAR
After getting back from Ann Arbor, we did a wacky drive out to Nebraska to celebrate Christmas and New Year with the Nemecs. We drove to Chicago, picked up Aaron's 91-yr-old grandma at the airport (she flew to Chicago from Cleveland to come with us), met up with Aaron's brother and family (who were driving to Nebraska from Michigan) and we caravanned (I guess that's not a word?) to Omaha. There we picked up Aaron's sister at the airport (flying in from Oregon) and drove to Mahoney State Park where Aaron's parents had rented three cabins for the whole family. We met up with the folks and the Texas Nemecs around 10 or 11 at night. I don't know when. It was late. The trip took FOREVER. I had a migraine by the time we got there. Aaron's poor grandma got car sick on the way and didn't seem to realize she was in for such a long drive (to be fair, none of us quite realized it would take so long either). But we made it there. Sam was a total trooper and fared the long journey better than any of us. The week there was great. Weather was clear (no snow) but it was very cold. We did go sledding. Made Christmas decorations, exchanged gifts. There were some additional hazards of Sam getting bit by a dog (YIKES!! but he is fine and not scared of dogs, though maybe his mom is now...) and a dog pooped in our cabin. Yipee. By around 10 o'clock New Years Eve Sam had had enough and was too exhausted to bring in the new year and the dog that bit Sam was tired of being locked in a room, so Sam and I went back to our cabin for an early night. Sam went right to sleep and I brought in the new year in bed with Sam, reading Harry Potter. At the time it felt a little weird and sad, in retrospect it seems sort of sweet and lovely.

The coolest thing about the time in Nebraska was watching Sam with his cousins. He completely was in awe of his cousins Trent (9) and Diego (5). The three boys (youngest in their families) palled around the whole time. It was great how well the older boys played with Sam.

The trip back home was much easier. Everything was a little smoother and we only drove as far as Chicago so we could get to an airport hotel to make sure Aaron's grandma got her flight in time. The hotel was nice. Aaron escorted his grandma to her flight, came back to the hotel to meet Sam and I. We had breakfast, hit Ikea, and made our way home. Ahh home. It feels so nice.

WORK
We had a couple of quiet days at home and then I began my new job. I am free of all previous posts and have accepted one single 20 hr/wk job that comes complete with benefits, vacation, and a month off in the summer. They are even letting me organize my schedule around Aaron's teaching schedule, so again, Sam gets to remain home in the care of his family. I am coordinating a gallery and so far I absolutely love it. I feel so blessed.

and in other news...
SAM WAS SICK!! For the first time EVER Sam was really sick!! Oh he'd had a runny nose or two but we realized that can accompany teething, and he never had any other symptoms. But last night, he was vomiting. He threw up all night!! Poor kiddo! It was so sad and scary. But he stopped, and he has been keeping food and drink down today. He had a little fever this morning and slept a lot. By this evening he seemed to be completely normal Sam, wanting to run around and play. Eek. It's hard when your kids get sick!!

SAM IS WEANED!! I know I said this before but it's 100% official. I thought it would mean one rough week but really he had given it up after two nights! (I forgot to mention in previous blogs that we had been down to nighttime nursing only for quite a while, so we just needed to cut that part out.) Sam's sleep has greatly improved. But he still sleeps most of the night in bed with us. He is growing so fast that space gets tight, but he is so cuddly we are still happy to share this time with him.

SAM TRIES TALKING!! Though I haven't actually been worried about this, (as you can tell from my blog posts) it remains on my mind. I wouldn't say he's "talking" yet, but he definitely says "h'loo" for hello when he is pretending to talk on the phone. He doesn't use it all the time, just sometimes, and it's really cute. He, of course, has been saying "bye" for a long time but somehow I never really counted that. He also has tried to say "ball" and looks at pictures of babies and points and says "bay" but doesn't always get to the "bee". But he understands and communicates so much that even if he's 2 before he talks, I'm not too worried.

OTHER SAM STUFF: His hair is getting long. Two ladies (independently) referred to him as "she". We still figure we'll wait a while to cut those precious blonde locks.



There are so many cute funny things he does these days. Hopefully I'll have time soon to tell you more about them.


In other news, welcome baby Laila! So glad you are here!

So much to write! It's been so long! But I don't really feel like it. Sorry. I am now a bad blogger.

Things are good. Semester is ending. I've actually had time to sit on my couch and read! So nice!

Sam updates: He's big. He's 17 months old. He's silly. Sam's favorite things: balls, butterflies, ladybugs, dogs, cookies, and the Who. His favorite foods are mandarin oranges and sugary things. He's a good eater though, will happily eat carrots, asparagus, broccoli, and peas. He isn't yet talking, but will say "baba" to get us to put on the scene from the Who documentary where they cover "Barbara Ann". He does say "bye" of course. But he signs a lot. He signs: Sleep, water, orange, apple, cheese, cookie, ball, play, shoes, dog, book...I think there are many more I'm not thinking of. He is a happy guy. We are getting back to a good sleep schedule. He seems to pretty much have moved to one long nap a day (2-3 hours) but it varies. AND we are weaned! Or weaning anyway! Sleep at night is much better. He starts in his crib for a few hours. Then wakes because it was a normal feeding time. Sometimes he has a snack, usually we just cuddle him and he's back to sleep. The first or second night we cut out breastfeeding he slept for like six hours straight! Which is incredible for us. So it's going ok. He still asks sometimes, but it has only been like four days so it's not like he's forgotten about it yet. All in all, good news!

So things are fun in toddler land. Next semester I will get to spend much more time with the kiddo and I feel great about that.

Well as he naps I'm going to do some more reading. I'll try to post more frequently, but no promises.

Thanksgiving Part One!

Tomorrow we embark on the toddler road trip. At least Meg & Juan will be coming along and can help entertain the kiddo. I'm pretty sure the days of a sleep-filled road trip are gone. We are off to Big Rapids to see the Erlewine family for Thanksgiving. Thursday we will take a quick trip over to Zeeland to see part of the Nemec clan too. So there will be lots of car time, but it will be ok.

Last year at this time Sam tried a tiny taste of pumpkin pie, but I was far too conservative to let him have more. I think he's very much going to enjoy this holiday focused on food. Let's just hope he doesn't go too crazy from lack of running around time. And let's hope he sleeps.

The semester is rapidly winding to a close. Which is great. I quit my beloved library job. I really have grown to like that job a lot. Great people, great environment, I like the work. But when it comes down to it, I am excited for the gallery job and the pay and benefits are too much to turn down. I could keep the library job and do both, but really then I'm choosing the job over Sam time and I'm sure not wanting to do that. Well, at the very least, I think that if this art stuff doesn't work out, I might want a job in public libraries. I will work my last day in December. My next job begins in early January.

Sam is doing well. The major teething pain seems to have subsided, so that's nice. He is sleeping better the past couple of nights. He still sleeps well in his crib for naptime, but come bed time he wants to be in mom and dad's bed, and often wants to be with mom or dad. Right now he's sleeping on the couch beside me. I am loving every moment I have him near so it's hard to complain.

Some cute Sam things:
He likes to "swim" in the tub now, lying on his tummy and kicking his legs. If I say "Sam, want to swim?" he'll turn over and start swimming.
If I say "Sam, go give Dad a hug" he will run to his dad and hug his legs.
Today we were speaking through the baby monitor to his dad and I was whispering and I whispered "Sam, come tell dad secrets" and he put his lips up to the monitor and whispered "oodleoodleoo"
He plays air guitar now.
He likes to cuddle a lot more now.
He will actually watch TV for a bit, not that we should be encouraging it.
He still prefers it if Meg is the one to chase him around with his pull toys.

Hello Blogosphere!

So it's been ages upon ages. I feel like I'm finally getting myself back. One of my classes is wrapping up, the other won't be long behind. Next week is Thanksgiving and I virtually have the week off. On one level, I'm feeling good and able to relax, on the other I have this terrible feeling of impending doom. Like it can't be right that I managed to pull off this crazy semester in one piece, so there must be something that I've completely overlooked, or completely screwed up or something. I'm just waiting for someone to basically come up to me and say you suck. Hopefully that won't happen.

In the land of the boy, things are going well. I don't get to see him enough. I miss him. We are off rhythm a lot of times because of it.

SLEEP
His sleep is all messed up again. We've been napping with him a lot since we are both severely lacking night time sleep, so he's getting used to sleeping just with us and doesn't like to sleep alone or in his crib. Plus he is doing some MAJOR teething right now. His first molars are pushing through, along with a few others, and it's so clearly bothering him more than previous teething. He even has taken to biting his hand. Poor little guy. And this definitely leads to restless sleep. In other sleep-related concerns: I can't figure out how to wean him. We are all in such desperate need for sleep that I will just nurse him so that we can get some sleep and plus, if he's really teething so much then it's not really the time to stop. But it seems it's never an easy time to stop but I'm ready to be done and it's becoming increasingly clear that he nurses for comfort and not food. Not to say that nursing for comfort isn't important, but I think he's old enough and I'm ready and we should just make it happen. Current thinking is for Aaron and I to finish the term, accept a sleepless week and just go cold turkey. Maybe I'll have to sleep in another room. I don't know. Suggestions? He's crying for me right now, but rather passively. I know I will soon give in and go get him. Because, well I'm his mom and I don't want him to suffer.

TALK
He doesn't talk yet. He pretty much said cockadoodledoo a few times the other day, and since then likes saying "oodle" or "doodle". He says "baba" for mabel and "ga" for clyde, so maybe he's been talking and I just am too particular. He seems to sometimes say mommom for me when he's stressed out and really wants attention he's not getting or something he can't have. Mostly though, he's signs signs signs. He has about a dozen or so words he signs, but his new favorite is "help" because it is so versatile. He will often want to do something not ok for a toddler to do, like, I dunno, grab that pair of scissors or whatever, and when he can't do it, he turns to me and asks for help. It is so cute and funny and a little bit sad because he of course doesn't understand why I won't help him. It was very sad though, the other night he was napping beside us on the couch and he grew restless and uncomfortable and started crying and was still half asleep and signed for help in his sleep. So sad. I do not know if it was a bad dream, or just wanting help from uncomfortable teething pain or what.

Well I think I'll wrap this up and go get the little cutie. He is so beautiful and funny and fun and we play all sorts of games and laugh and he loves to be chased. These are fun days that go too fast and I hate that I'm not around him more to watch it all.

Quickly.

mmm french fries. (he didn't really like the chicken nuggets)

So I'm super tired. I'm overworked, behind on deadlines, too much going on. Completely and totally back on coffee. Cannot wait for the semester to end.
But things are good.
Sam had a Halloween. Two hours before we went to a local Halloween party for kids, I threw together his costume: SAMZILLA!! Next year when he can actually trick or treat I promise to devote some real time to making him an awesome costume.
AND
We bought a new car! Well, new to us. A pre-owned Pontiac Vibe. I actually love it and it is the first time I actually feel like driving.
AND
A quick look at Sam's world:
He loves playing with magnets right now. He loves drumming. He loves playing fake guitar. These he loves doing while watching The Who documentary the Kids are Alright. He LOVES watching this documentary. He loves playing with cell phones. Loves playing outside. Loves to eat lentils. And veggie burgers. Cheese is still probably his favorite. Still isn't talking, but still signs. He is really getting the hang of running. He's really funny. He is very into the dogs right now. Loves to hug Mabel, and tries to call her to come to him. Tries to get close to Clyde, but Clyde's not interested. It's all very cute.

Good day, sunshine

It has been a lovely autumn day! So needed after a week of very chilly temperatures. Meg and Sam and I got to hang out and play in the grass, and it was just what I needed!

Thanks so much for your congratulations. I'm really excited about the new job. I won't begin until January, since I need to wait for my contracts to end first. I will probably go ahead and quit the one job I have the liberty of quitting, though I'm not looking forward to that. But really, the new job is about the same pay (maybe more) than what I'm getting from the three part time ones, and what my family needs more from me is time, not the little bit of money the job brings in.

I am still feeling swamped, and like I'm constantly trying to catch up. My work in all FOUR jobs (including that important job of being a mom) is suffering, and it is hard to feel proud of anything when I feel like I'm just doing the bare minimum to get by. But, I got myself into this situation, and it's temporary, so I will persevere, even if my lectures are a little sloppy and I have to ask for more help watching Sam. I wish that every mom (and dad) could stay home with their children as much as they want to. I mean, I know I'm happier having some work outside of the home (rather than none) but 10-20 hrs would suffice ;-)

Well, I guess I better get back to work.