Mothering.

Let's see. I haven't rambled about various concerns, observations, changes, moods, and all of that stuff in a while, so I guess I will do so.

As I write, Sam is finishing (?) a MAMMOTH nap that I joined him for for the first TWO HOURS. This most certainly will make the rest of the day a mystery. So I guess I'll begin on the favored topic of sleep.

Our one-year-old sleeps in our bed, still, exclusively. We haven't done much as of late to change that. I talked with Aaron about it not long ago, and he still wants Sam in our bed. We both like it and so far it's most convenient. I still worry about the big What Ifs...what if we have a four year old in our bed, what if he never stops nursing... But we're going with the flow. For the most part it works smoothly. He wakes, we have breakfast, take a walk, play, and then nap. Wake, lunch, play, and then nap. Wake, dinner, play, bath, bed. It's a flexible schedule but it makes sense and keeps us happy and balanced. Sometimes I put him down to sleep, sometimes Aaron does. If Aaron does, he goes to sleep without the boob. If I do, he almost always pulls at my shirt to tell me he wants to nurse. We have learned to nurse at this time so I unfailingly let him nurse. It is not that I am anxious for this stage to end. It is not that I think it is bad or wrong or even weird to nurse beyond a year, but I once again get worried about the What If...what if he doesn't naturally wean on his own? I guess at some point it will be clear that it's time to stop and if it isn't happening on it's own I will simply need to enforce it. We already know that Sam can sleep without nursing first, and Aaron can often be the one to put him down he might not associate sleep with nursing. But really the thing about weaning, I see, is that I guess I need to wean myself as much as him. Hmm.

Other than that, Sam is developing so great. He's becoming such a kid. No, he's not walking yet, but that can't be far off. He has pretty much mastered the one-handed walk and has bravely attempted a few steps without holding onto anything, though it pretty much is a lunge and teeter into Mom or Dad. He's making lots of sounds but not yet talking. Still using "Gum" and "Gop" and pointing at things to let us know what he wants. He has a sort of whistle he does too and sometimes sounds like he's singing.

I am enjoying my summer and my time home with Sam, but sometimes I get into traps of feeling too lost and so I take it all for granted. Sometimes I am content with my primary self being Sam's Mom, and then other times I feel like if I just immerse myself in that I won't know who I am once he's older. I still am not sure where I want to put my energy during my "free time". Free time is few and far between unless you organize and schedule it in. An hour during a nap, a couple of hours before bed. Usually I spend those times wasting time on the Internet, doing chores, or napping with Sam. If I am rested and the house is somewhat clean and back in place, I have been doing some sewing and applying for jobs. I have some courses to teach at the community college in the fall. The pay is minimal and it is kind of a far drive from our house, but I think the experience teaching for a different school, a different TYPE of school, and a different kind of class (lecture, not studio) is an important experience in figuring out whether I actually want to teach afterall. I also have an interview next week for a part-time academic advising position at the same school. I am excited about that prospect. 20 hrs/wk, reliable pay, and potentially a field I would really enjoy. The interview is with a committee of eight people though -- intimidating!!

I think that coffee make me depressed. I thought at first it was the crash after coming down from the caffeine but then I had some decaf the other day and I think it may have had the same result. I'll have to do some research on that.

After becoming a mom I pretty much gave myself a get out of jail free card when it came to diet and exercise. I was pleased that I got back into my pre-pregnancy jeans after about four months, and while I was teaching last semester I think I lost even more. This summer, though, the weight is coming back on since I'm home munching all day. I think issues of body image are so interesting in relation to motherhood. While pregnant and feeling like a whale, I looked at pictures of my pre-preg self and said that if I ever got to that size again I could never complain of being fat. That worked for a while. But now that my body is becoming more and more my own again, no longer a body shared between myself and my son, I am back to feeling a need to be skinnier and more beautiful. Sigh. I wish my motivation was just to be happy and healthy! But this after-baby muffin top is really a force to be reckoned with. I'm trying half-heartedly to eat better and exercise, but it's definitely a matter of baby steps.



Today, Meg, Juan, Sam and I went for a walk and played at the nearby playground. Sam loved going down the slides (held by an adult, of course). He is a happy guy. He laughs all the time. One funny thing he started doing is blowing raspberries on me. I would blow a raspberry on his little tummy and then he'd crack up and charge me and pull up my shirt and blow a raspberry on my stomach. What a goof ball.

Year One.

It's hard to believe that Sam is already one year old. Wow. Seriously, where did this year go?

A year ago at this time, I was in the hospital already laboring away.

At 4:55 pm our little boy was born. This picture is from the day after, though. Sam had just been named and we were probably listening to Sam Cooke.

I cannot imagine what my life would be like without my son, but I suppose I don't often try. Sam fills my life with such joy and purpose.

At one year, Sam is not yet walking, but he sure is working on it. He does not like to sit still. He crawls like crazy, pulls himself to a stand whenever he can, and cruises around the furniture as much as possible, always reaching up for a hand when he needs it. I remember talking to another mom when Sam was maybe five months old, sitting peacefully in my arms, and she commented on how her toddler was so "slippery" now. Now I know what she means. Sometimes he is happy to sit on my hip, but not for long. Pretty soon he flexes his legs and locks his knees and pushes out from me -- he wants to get down and explore things for himself.

Sam makes all kinds of noises and sounds but no clear words. I still don't know if when he says "mom" and "mama" if he is associating those sounds with me or not. He does "dada" too. He definitely knows "bah" is good bye.

He is working on three new teeth, for a total of six.

He likes feeding himself so much now that sometimes he gets mad and won't eat from an offered spoon. We are transitioning away from purees.

He is still breastfeeding. Not sure how to wean exactly, but I'm starting with not offering it. He asks now by pulling down my shirt, but sometimes it seems he asks only because he is tired and wants to take a nap and he associates nursing with sleep. But Aaron has been putting him to nap or to bed and he goes down with little difficulty. We still co-sleep, so I still find myself nursing when he wakes at night, sometimes as many as three times. Well, one step at a time I guess.

People always comment on how happy Sam is, and I guess I must agree. Rarely does he cry and fuss. He is so eager to discover the world around him that he's often happiest when around new people and in new environments. This is not to say he does not cry or get unhappy, because he certainly gets uncomfortable or upset, but he's a pretty easy-going guy, and I'm thankful for it.

Sam's Grandpa E. and Aunt Sarah E. are here visiting for the weekend, so pics will be coming soon of gifts and cake and other fun times.

We love you, Sam.

Fifth of July Cookout!

So the weather was lousy on the fourth, so we did our fourth of July cookout on the fifth! Complete with firepit corn ala Aaron (soooo good!) authentic arrepas from Juan, I did fried chicken, Meg made yummy festive potato salad...it was a good 'n' tasty time.

We had a nice visit with Ann Arbor Stephanie and she helped us out babysitting while we were doing food prep. So good to see you Stephanie! Her visit revolved a lot around food, but well, so does our life, so... Anyway it was a nice visit and now we're back to the working week, though none of us are working so it's like permanent weekend so that's fun. More whining and rambling about career stuff is sure to come, but this week we'll probably do a lot of hanging out, some art stuff, and prep for the big day -- Sam will be ONE YEAR OLD next weekend! WOW!

Sam's First Fourth of July!

Sam celebrated his first fourth of July! Complete with staying up too late and watching the fireworks. Not quite sure what he thought of them....

I made another wacky cake though. This time with buttercream icing ('meh) and fondant stars. It was ok. Our friend Esteban said it was like a big soft oreo cookie ('cause it's chocolate cake) -- I think that's a good description.

Fireworks.

And Sam's grandpa sent him a wagon for his birthday. What fun!

Things are going well. Sam is still working on those teeth. Stephanie (of No Pickles, Please!) is visiting and that's fun. Will try to get some better pics of her and the boy before she leaves!

Yes, Michigan!

We got up to Michigan this weekend to visit Aaron's brother's family and stop in BR to empty a storage unit we still had and let Sam see his grandpa.

It was a good trip, but we had car trouble. I think I'd simply jinxed myself earlier in the week by saying our very old Toyota Corolla was still reliable. BUT no car payments, so I figure a repair every year on our 1990 vehicle (handed down from Aaron's grandma) is nothing to can complain about. We made it to Zeeland, where Aaron's brother lives, and discovered a leak. Seemed like gasoline. So, we stayed the night in Zeeland, instead of heading to Silver Lake. We moved the car from the inclined drive way and parked it in the level parking lot across the street. Hmm, no leak. Still, we didn't want to drive it without knowing what was going on so we got it into the shop right away Saturday morning. There was no visible leak that morning either, and they checked it out and found no leak in the fuel line, BUT did find that some wheel cylinder had ruptured and could be leaking brake fluid and the rear brakes needed to be replaced. And since the brake light had just started to go on, this seemed to all make sense. They were able to do the repairs while we all went up to Silver Lake.

Once we got ot Silver Lake, Steve (Aaron's bro), Sam, Aaron, Asha (one of Steve's kids) and I all went to Big Rapids to begin unloading the storage unit, and they dropped Sam and I off to have lunch with my dad and meet his new friend, Judith. We had a nice lunch, ice cream at Dairy Queen, and a walk over to Hemlock Park. It took them longer at the storage unit than we expected, but Sam, Dad, Judith, and I had a nice time sitting in the shade and enjoying the breeze.

Then we finally got back to Silver Lake for burgers and a fire. The next day Steve and Aaron went BACK to BR to gather a second load of stuff from the storage unit, but Sam and I stayed. Glad we did because we got to take Sam to the beach to play in the lake and sand. He has never even played in a sand box and he sure had fun!

And before we knew it we were heading back to West Lafayette.

Sam had started cutting his fourth tooth before we left and now he's working on one of his two front teeth! So fun!

Time for pics!!

Cake Fun

The fondant worked! It was a mess, but it worked!!

The cake turned out pretty wacky looking since I didn't have a plan.

Aaron and I tried it today and sure enough, the icing didn't taste great. But I'm not big on marshmallows or confectioners sugar, so a chewy coating of those two ingredients is not my favorite. I think that my next cake experiment will use a regular soft kind of frosting with fondant decorations/accents. Dunno if the textures will be too weird that way, but it's worth a shot. Aaron and I did end up peeling the fondant off like an unwanted fruit peel -- not necessarily something you want in a cake!

too many pictures

He's funny. He's determined. He's becoming a kid.