Second Interview

It went well! I made a few awkward fumbles, but all in all it was good. I felt deceitful, or something, like i knew I wasn't going to take the job and was leading them on. It's not like that, but it sure felt that way. Both interviews have been cool because a lot of the interview is spent off on what seems like tangents, but it's more like I'm already on staff there and we are just coming up with ideas about how the library could reach the public and get involved doing this or that.

It's hard for me to tell how many other people they are interviewing. They said I should hear from them in the next few days. Maybe I won't even get an offer. I still rather hope I don't. I still sorta feel like I should take it if they offer. I still really don't want to take it.

I need to get a new camera so I can continue to post tons of Sam pics. Maybe I will do that. Irresponsible -- buy new camera, don't take job. Will I ever grow up?

Thanks again for your suggestions/comments/support!

What do I do?

Ok faithful blog readers, I need your opinions.

I think the public library is going to offer me the job (the one I just interviewed for -- this is not THE library that I used to work for). I don't know for sure, of course, but I have a second interview on Saturday. Aaron took the call about scheduling the second interview and they said "i think she knows we want her". So that sounds positive. Trouble is, I don't want it. I want to stay home with my son. I have been wanting employment and complaining about my unemployability, but when I finally have a decent prospect, I don't want it. Am I doomed to be disappointed even when I get what I want??

Here's the thing: We don't need me to work full time. But we do kinda need me to work at least part time. I haven't found a part time job. I *might* be able to get more adjunct work from the university in the fall, but one never knows. I *might* be able to get adjunct work at the community college, but again, one never knows, at least until a contract is in hand.

I really liked the people I interviewed with. I like the description of the job. It's not glamorous, but they actually want someone with advanced education (despite the low salary of course, but hey, it's a non-profit), and they are all about making the library the cultural-hub of the community. A lofty goal perhaps, but really aligned to my idealized notions of art and community. This position would have a lot to do with organizing and promoting cultural events for the community, as well as networking with other cultural groups on campus and throughout the city. The position also comes with good benefits, sick time, vacation time...

So the problem? It's full time. The hours vary, as the library is open evenings and weekends, so that's actually good for us. But it's full time. We would have to hire someone to help watch Sam. I would be away from Sam for 40 hours/wk. 40 hours each week as he grows and develops and changes every day.

I just don't know if I can do that. I would rather be with my son than take this job. But I might strongly prefer this job to another job. And I think I will need to have A job.

I dream about starting up my own business -- another idealized notion in my head and one that seems to make sense when opportunities don't seem to already exist. I mean, if the opportunities aren't there, then I might as well make my own, right? But obviously creating my own business is 10 times the work than just finding a job that already exists.

How have you parents out there dealt with this? What do you think I should do? Does the nation's failing economy mean I should take what I can get? Or go ahead and live on meager means like everyone else?

Which is the more important sacrifice? Sacrifice my time in order to have a job that can help support the family? Or sacrifice the steady reliable pay check and health insurance for time with my son?

The time goes by so fast. I just don't want to miss more than I have to.

Taste of Summer

Spirits are lifting. Saturday Aaron checked his email to see a job offer to scan in the Archives -- my initial summer job here that lead to my grad assistantship. Yes, this is the very same department that did not offer me the job they created for me. Sigh. Anyway, it's terrific news. It might only be for a month or two since the budget for the new fiscal year is still up in the air, but something is WAY better than nothing.

Also, the weather has been hot and summery and it's completely making me feel better. Maybe I need to move to a different climate.

Today my students do their final presentations and it's basically the end of the semester. Some awkward odds and ends to resolve for the Coordinator part of my job this semester, but I'm feeling like things are freeing up. I'm also again trying to look at my awkward transition period as a period of opportunity. We'll see how long I stay in this mode of thinking, but I'm happy to have it. And thanks for your well-wishes of course.

New Sam news: He claps! He says "bah" and waves good bye! He also really likes to try to bite noses and is good at climbing all over things.

Friday night.

I had my art reception tonight. Got to see some friends and eat a hot dog. It was an ok time. I had sort of been dreading it since I didn't like how my work turned out for the show. Another day of feeling awkward, insecure, unsure. Aaron has come down with the flu so he and Sam are already in bed. I hear Aaron sniffling away. Maybe I should go to bed too. I don't suppose I feel like doing much of anything else, so early to bed might be the right thing to do anyway. I could do some laundry. I could put on a movie. I could try to make something. I could try to plan. I would like a plan. Every day or two it seems I have a new answer to get out of this awkward place I'm in, only to change my mind in a couple of days. I decide on new professions, new college degrees to pursue -- devote myself to this, focus on that, finally follow through with blah blah blah. But nothing sticks. Maybe nothing sticks because I'm just not trying anything. Or maybe nothing sticks because I'm trying too hard or thinking about it too much. Yes I think I'm thinking too much and at the same time not doing anything about anything. I don't know. Sometimes I think I just don't have the energy anymore. I just don't have the drive to solve my problems. I just need them to resolve themselves. Am I doomed to face or become the things I always feared most? Maybe if I can get over those fears then I can change my fate. Or at least it would change the way I look at my fate. Ok. Tomorrow. New Liz. New confidence. Raaawwwrrr. (that was a tiger growl or something.) Good night.

Sigh.

We played outside a little bit. Or, had a photo shoot anyway. Sam drool ruined our camera so I'm lucky that Meg will lend me hers.

School stuff is stressful this week, but it's almost over.

Will hear about the job I interviewed for at the end of next week at the earliest. I don't want to get offered it because if I'm offered it I should take it and I don't want to work full time. But I am scared about lack of employment too. What am I to do?
I remain lost and sad. But Sam at least makes me smile.

Appointment Updates

Sam stats!!

Weight: 23 lbs (82%)
Height: 29 1/4" (77%)
Head: 47.1 cm (90%)

So, still a big ol' head, but not quite the giant baby he was in his earlier months.

Doc said he was healthy guy! So that's good. He did cry more at this appt. than at appointments past, and he didn't even get shots! But the appointment was during his normal nap time and he is definitely more opinionated these days anyway.

One worrisome thing is that the doc had trouble finding his testicles cause they were back up in his abdomen. She asked if she'd had trouble finding them before and basically talked as though they hadn't descended yet. She hasn't had trouble finding them before, and I don't know all that much about male genitalia so I didn't think to really question or discuss it at the time. It has been weighing on my mind since then, though, and I am 99.9% sure his testicles had already descended to the scrotum. So some google searching indicates that likely they have retracted. Don't know if they are "rectractile" or "hypermobile" testes or if in a couple of days they will be back to normal. I apologize now, Sam, for putting such personal information about you on the world wide web. Your 9 month old self I'm sure doesn't care at all, but a future 11 year old Sam might be mortified. Anyway, I think it's all fine, but it's enough to get a mom worried so I thought I'd write about it to get it out of my system.

And my interview went well. I still don't know if I could work 40 hrs/wk. I really want to remain Sam's primary care giver. Well, I haven't been offered anything yet anyway.

To blog or not to blog...

Well, I think I may have fallen out of this blog thing. I think if I don't do it regularly, it makes it harder to do at all. Like email. I can email or chat easily with those I email with on a daily basis, but if it's someone I don't regularly communicate with, it can take me forever to reply or keep the communication going. I dunno. Maybe I'm done blogging?

Well, what's going on with us...

SAM
Sam goes to the doctor tomorrow, so I guess I'll blog tomorrow so that's a good sign for the blog. He is sooo tall now I can't wait for his stats.

Sam is a total goof ball these days, and lots of fun to laugh and play with, and tickle too. He's much more ticklish now. He still does the tummy-to-the-ground crawl but is starting to figure out how to push up on his hands and knees when in a stationary position, so a full on crawl is probably not too far off. When in his crib, he can pull from a sit to his knees, but still not up to a sit from lying down. He's also working on getting from a sit to a tummy crawl position, but will only brave that on soft surfaces or if he has my lap or something to help with the transition.

We have had some lovely spring days and Sam has had a chance to play out in the grass. So nice to not feel as confined to our small home and man-made toys and textures. Didn't get any photos of his playing outside, but I guess I shouldn't capture every moment of his life with the camera.

ALSO FYI
Baby drool CAN ruin cell phones and cameras.
A lesson I shouldn't have had to learn through experience.


SLEEP
We're doing ok with sleep. I should write a whole blog on sleep and what has worked and what hasn't and how I still am as lost as ever.
Basically: We still don't have a routine. Sam cannot get to sleep without Mom or Dad (so he does not "self sooth"). He will sleep in his crib, but needs Mom or Dad there to fall asleep. And when he wakes and they aren't there is not a happy camper. I have tried early to bed, but that did not prove to be more successful, so I basically let him call the shots, which isn't helping. I think we are going to have to work hard at getting a routine going once the semester ends. Which is like two weeks away. In the mean time, we're getting some sleep, so I guess it isn't too broken.

JOBS
Aaron and I are still unemployed for the summer. I have an interview at the public library tomorrow. I'm really excited about the possibility of working for the library. It is such a great organization that I really don't utilize enough. However, the pay is lousy (but good benefits), and it's full time. But I guess if they offer it I will just take it and see what else happens. I really can't fathom being away from Sam for 40 hours/week though. But you do what you gotta do I guess.

Another positive note is that the fed. government has a new income-based repayment plan starting for student loans. So your monthly payment is based on your income, and after 25 years whatever amount remains is forgiven. If you work in public service, your debt is relieved after 10 years of repayment. So maybe living with a low-paying job is possible.

OTHER
Semester is almost done. Last weekend was the student show I put together for my sculpture class. It was a big success. Great article in the local paper, and a great crowd for the reception.

I installed my group show yesterday. I am not pleased with the work I did for it. Oh well.

I am constantly looking for a new career path. Lately seriously considering nursing. Closest to total job security I can find. Could get an associates at the community college here, but couldn't start until next Spring. But the state of Indiana has a scholarship available that pretty much would cover all costs if I were to agree to work in Indiana for two years....hmmm....