workin it

Well to be lost may not be the right way to describe it. But I do feel down. I feel unwanted. Unemployable. Lacking of commercial value. I would love it if I didn't need to have commercial value. I would love to just be a stay-at-home mom (provided I found enough ways to get myself out of the house and socialize with adults every once in a while) but that isn't an option for me. I need to work. I need to find employment. I have education debt coming out of my ears. If I don't work, that debt becomes a problem.

The professor job was not an ideal situation. We didn't know how one of us would handle commuting, and it would have been a long commute. And I would probably have been working over 40 hrs/wk during the time when my son needs me the most. I am not sure how we would have handled child care. Neither one of us was excited about living in Indianapolis. I applied for the job on a whim. Wasn't sure I wanted it. Didn't think I'd get a call on it. But then I did. And I learned more about it and I got excited and dreamed about it and ... well ... it seemed like such a nice solution to all my worries about financial stability and providing for my son.

But I guess it wasn't my solution. Maybe I don't have a solution.

I tend to look at life like a narrative I guess. I feel like I'm looking for recurring themes, trying to identify my life lessons. I am not sure I ever find them. It does seem as though one recurring theme is that hard work does not necessarily (or perhaps often) lead to rewards. This is something I believed -- if you work hard enough, it will happen. It seems like such a nice cause and effect. But maybe this is the lesson I need to be learning right now. Chance and happenstance is as powerful as hard work, if not more, and maybe sometimes that hard work is simply working against the fates. I really need to learn how to not take defeat personally. Not believe it is defining my character or ability. My friends and I are watching the previous generation lose their jobs after a lifetime of dedicated hard work. Some of them are losing everything. This is not something we just see in the news anymore, this is our parents, our aunts and uncles, our friends. Work and servitude simply does not necessarily bring the rewards we feel like we were promised, or believe we deserve, or that we have earned, or any of that.

I get jealous. I get feeling entitled or something. I am afraid that I live my life beyond my means, beyond my social class. I could not afford my undergraduate education, did not understand this, and did it anyway. I did not know enough to realize that spending that kind of money should make it so that you have more earning potential, but I studied art because you should also study what you love. I went back to graduate school thinking it would open more career paths and options but now fear it has closed more than it has opened. I fear I have already made my bed and I just don't yet understand what it means.

But this is my problem. i love to daydream about long-term goals, but I am so shortsighted that every immediate defeat feels like a lifetime of doom.

So. What now? I guess I just keep taking it one day or month at a time. I guess I don't have much choice.

I really wish I could stop taking all this job stuff so personally. But it sort of is personal.

nope.

did not get the prof job

feel lost



sigh

7 months!

From Sam Month 8

Sam is 7 months old! So hard to believe. The time goes by so fast.
I have kept you pretty up to date with his development, so nothing really new to add here. I will do a list though, so that I can go back and look at these and have a reminder...

At 7 months, Sam ...

• Is eating non-breastmilk foods once or twice a day.
• Prefers the store-bought purees to the ones I make him.
  
• Eats pears, prunes, oatmeal, rice, sweet peas, sweet potatoes, butternut squash, bananas... pretty good diet!
• His sleep has taken a bit of a turn for the worse. He wakes at least every 3 hours nearly every night. Some times he won't sleep unless he's in my arms. Super cute and sure makes me feel special, but not necessarily a routine or habit I want to encourage.
• He is really working towards crawling, as you can see in the video.
  
• He rolls over all the time now. Sometimes it's hard to put him down for a nap because he just rolls right over and wiggles around. Then whines when he gets in an uncomfortable position that he doesn't know how to get out of (he doesn't often roll from tummy to back).
• Sam and Mabel are becoming better and better friends.
• Don't know his current stats, but he is still a very big baby.
• He likes peek-a-boo and sometimes is the one to do the hiding.

Sam is the greatest. I can't wait to see what development is coming next, but part of me just feels like he's growing too fast.

slackin'

So Sam is napping and I should be doing some work, but instead felt like posting pics of our super cute boy and figured I'd write a quick blog.

Yesterday we went to a friend's baby shower, and there were lots of other babies there! Sam was the youngest and biggest one there. There was an 8-month-old baby walking around! And another the same age just figuring out how to lift herself and balance on her hands and feet (her mom called it her tabletop position). This was the first baby Sam has ever met! Wait...that's not true...but the first he really interacted with! They shared toys and took turns reaching for the faces of one another. It was very cute! I know the doctor always says what a big boy Sam is, but I didn't really realize it until we saw the other babies. It's so fascinating to see how unique every person's development is.

Sam tried oatmeal yesterday and loved it. I find that he eats the store-bought food way more than the stuff I grind for him. I think it's a texture thing. I think I don't get things smooth enough. I've decided that the store baby food is way easier for us though, even though I hate wasting the packaging and I question the nutritional value. I even bought the regular baby grain cereals instead of the organic ones since they were a third the price, only to go home and realize that the non-organic ones really throw TONS of extra misc. stuff in them and now I feel guilty and like a bad mom. Man, parental guilt is a force to reckon with. I think we will try to start increasing his solid food intake now, as he's just about 7 months old -- 7 months!! And he seems to really like eating now.

Sam is now regularly nursing at 3-hour intervals (sometimes less!!) throughout the night. He does his "long stretch" between feedings now during the early morning -- often correlating to the hours when I'm away from home. Seems like a definite backtrack in the sleep department. Teething? Mom going back to work? Who knows. He spends every night in our bed, and nearly the whole night there too. We try comforting with other means, but he seems to scream until he gets the breast and it's just so much easier to do that and get back to sleep than to try other methods of soothing him. Should we be enforcing a stricter sleep routine? One of the moms I talked to at the shower keeps her little one on a very tight nap and sleep schedule, and sure enough, the baby sleeps through the night. She started this at 3 months. Heck, I dunno. I mean it depends so much on your family routines and the individual baby. I'm surprised that sleep is just a recurring issue and theme throughout early motherhood.

Sam is doing so well at sitting independently and he's really scooting around well too. He loves peek-a-boo.

when i'm feeling blue, all i have to do...

Blah.

So I am still on the email list for my old job, meaning I get emails about who can cover the reception desk and yadda yadda yadda. I sort of liked being kept in the loop because I had left with the impression that I would be coming back. They usually have good bye lunches and things for staff when they leave to pursue other ventures. They never did for me. Instead, I made little goodbye cookie packs for everyone. I didn't really mind. I figured it was because they intended to have me back. Well, maybe they did.

Anyway, today, from the archive email list, I got an email that they are having the first of their top candidates for "my job" in for a campus visit. I, as of today, have NOT been invited for a campus visit, so I guess I WILL NOT be invited.

I emailed my old boss, requesting to be taken off their email list. It was a very friendly and polite note. Shortly thereafter, I received an automatic notice saying I was removed from the list. No personal response. Hopefully he will send something more cordial.

I googled the candidate who is coming for the interview. She has her masters in library studies and wants to be a digital librarian. I am sure all of their candidates have these credentials. Her resume (it's posted online) makes her sound like a great candidate for the job.

I just feel a little duped. A little tricked. A little teased. I think of myself as generally pessimistic and don't expect things to go my way, so why am I surprised that they aren't offering this job to me? I guess becacuse I heard how they referred to it as my job. I guess because when the student help asked my boss if I'd be back he said yes. I guess because the head of the department asked to see my resume when writing the job description. Really, though, it was only my direct boss who made it sound like it was my job. No one else did. So it's his fault. He's the one who teased me. But he really wanted me in the job, so I guess I can't be mad at him. I guess I don't get to be mad at anyone. But I still feel a little mad. And I sort of feel like a fool. Even though I couldn't even accept it if they offered it.

Oh, plus today was annoying because I went to the BMV (yes B mv -- here is the BUREAU of motor vehicles) and despite my 8,000,000 forms of ID including birth certificate, passport, social security card, the utility bill I brought was too old and I couldn't get my license so I have to go back another time. I wanted to scream all sorts of obscenities, but managed not to.

Today the world is out to get me. Maybe there is a reason. I'll have to think about that.

Working

Not much to say. I feel like Aaron and I are still trying to get into our new schedule for the semester.

It's hard being a working mom, and I'm technically only 1/2 time which equates to 20 hrs/wk. I really only HAVE to be out of the house for like 12 hrs/wk, and even that's a little flexible. But a lot of additional work happens at home (often totaling more than 20 hrs/wk), which is good, but its easy to think that you can work and watch baby at the same time -- reality often has something else to say about it. Aaron and I are juggling back and forth, and we seem to make it work. We request a few hours from each other, here or there, so that we can have some specified "work" time, knowing the other will handle all things Sam. This is working pretty well. What's often hard is knowing how to plan ahead and schedule that work time, and to make sure that you get your work done during the allotted time. So far most deadlines have been met and we're not at one another's throats, and Sam is still getting a lot of Mom & Dad time. We are very grateful to have Meg living next door -- this would be far more difficult if she weren't there to help out. Which makes me worry about the possibilities of next year if I happen to get offered the prof job, but this is a worry we've decided we shouldn't concern ourselves with unless it becomes a reality.

Other than the hectic-ness of working, I think for the most part I'm glad to be working again. I'm glad to be teaching. I love teaching my own syllabus and I'm excited about the assignments and I have a great group of students. I am only teaching one class, so that helps with enthusiasm and energy. I only have to talk straight for 3 hours instead of 6! (don't worry, this is one-on-one, not lecturing students for 3 hours!) The coordinating part of the job is going fine, but it's a little rocky because I never really know what little bumps are coming in the road. But I'm making do and the TAs (the grad students I am coordinating for) are all great so it makes my job pretty easy. It's good to be getting out of the house, it's good to be socializing with people outside of my comfort zone, it's good to be realizing that a career in academics may actually be what I want to pursue afterall, and it's good that we can pay our bills! It's also good that now when I have Sam time, I am much more appreciative of every moment I get to hang out with him. The problem is sometimes I am trying to hang out with Sam and work. I think I need to work on further classifying my time to family time and work time -- keeping it separate will probably make me more efficient and make me feel better.

Now that the interview is done, I finally will feel like I'm really just working part time and not full time, I think. And maybe I'll even get back to doing some creative work. With all the busy getting back to work and interview stuff, I haven't had a chance to pursue the astro baby clothes -- don't worry, yee who requested shirts will get some! I just haven't gotten back to that yet. Soon though, soon!! And I added my contact email at the right if you want to request one but didn't have a way to do so! (silly me)

Sam updates:

• I keep thinking we'll wake to a tooth any day or something, but nothing yet. We'll see.
• His eating is going well. His diet thus far is very limited -- basically he'll eat peas, prunes, and banana. He really can't stand sweet potato, butternut squash -- didn't even like pears. I will try some new food this week.
• He rolls over his left shoulder, back to front, all the time with ease. Won't roll any other way anymore.
  
• He can push himself up on his hands when lying on his stomach (lifting his upperbody).
• He can sit unassisted for short bits of time, and can even sometimes catch himself if he gets off balance. He can sit balanced with a toy for longer periods of time.
• When playing on his stomach, he can pull himself around in a circle. He really is getting to scoot around pretty well and I wouldn't be surprised if crawling is not far off. I haven't babyproofed anything. At all. I better get on that.
• He is officially really into toys. He likes shaking stuff, dropping stuff. He throws stuff. He grabs stuff.
• His hair is really coming in now. Still can't describe the color in specific detail. But it's a golden blonde -- can't tell if it will be more blonde or light brown when it comes in. Pretty blonde=ish though.
• His eye color remains a gray blue. More blue than anything else though I think, even though sometimes the pics look greenish.
• He has super dry skin. At the last doc appointment they gave us a prescription for it. You know those super rosy cheeks that look so great in pictures? Dry skin. This cold dry Indiana winter is just too much. I bathe him infrequently but he still gets eczema patches. Any suggestions out there??
  
• His sleep is a little rocky these days. I guess I haven't really even been worrying about it. He often even starts off in our bed. He still wakes every few hours. Some nights more, some nights less. With food/digestion changing, teething, our changing schedules -- I guess I just can't worry too much about it.
  

So we're keeping at it. I can't believe how fast he grows. I think time is a whole new thing once you have kids. I remember Aaron saying his dad said that he sort of didn't even remember life before kids -- or that having kids is when he felt like his life started. I get that now. It's just a whole new way of looking at life, that's for sure.

Well, to close I'll give you some recent eating pics and some images from having fun over at Aunt Meg's. Sam is a cutie.