Pregnant! (& some other stuff too)

progress

2011-05-04T14:34:00.003-04:00

Well, I think I have oversupply issues. My body just is eager to produce food I guess. It was this way with Sam too. I didn't have as painful of engorgement this time when my milk came in, but still did have it. And still get it if he goes more than two hours between a feeding. But it's only been a week. My body is still figuring out supply and demand. I have discovered though that I cannot nurse him in a cradle position until my supply balances out. Every time I do he starts coughing, gulps air, pulls off and milk is spraying everywhere. Then he ends up with gas and/or hiccups and didn't even get full. The LLL site had some really helpful info though about how to encourage the body to produce the right amount of milk so I'm trying that out. Also explains why I naturally end up doing side-lying nursing almost exclusively. This way, the milk is not coming from above, so not as forceful, and baby can just let the excess dribble out (yes it is messy, I have rediscovered how I must line everything with burp cloths and receiving blankets). It just works for us. Plus I get to lie down which is often a bonus I guess! The LLL (la leche league) site also said that babies of mom's with oversupply do tend to bulk up faster and fill LOTS o'diapers because they are getting more foremilk which has more lactose or something. Anyway, it all makes sense after seeing Sam get nice and full and how William is already gaining like a champ. Another testament to the sheer quantity of milk William is taking in: the day before his doc appt he did 10 poops and 9 pees. Sheesh. Yes, we are going through A LOT of diapers.

Other than that, I couldn't have hoped for things to go more smoothly (knock on wood). I am a bit moody, Sam is acting out a bit more for parental attention, sleep is broken into two- to four-hour chunks, BUT sleep is had, William is eating, he's a happy baby. Cries hardest at diaper changes or if I seem to have put off feeding an unacceptable amount of time. Sam loves his brother and loves being a big brother. He's happy to show him off and kisses him about every chance he gets. I've been able to find some good one-on-one time with Sam, but probably not as much as he would like. Also, my recovery is going sooo much faster this time. I still have some tenderness and itching where the stitches are healing, but I'm off all pain medicine (was only on extra strength Tylenol anyway) and have been able to go out and about without totally wearing myself out. I have all but stopped bleeding too. I remember bleeding for weeks after Sam was born and being in notable pain for a while. I was also on a narcotic pain killer which really threw me for a loop.

Though, if I'm going to lose this baby weight, I have to stop eating all of the candy and cupcakes that found their way into the house...

So. Yeah. Things are ok.

nap time

2011-05-02T12:59:00.002-04:00

gonna try to catch a nap

quickly:

william had his first doc appointment. things look good! bigger head, longer body, heavier -- growing all around!! we get to skip the 2 wk check up and just come back in a month.

she said she thinks the bilirubins/jaundice stuff will sort itself out and she didn't do a blood test. told me to keep an eye out for yellowing, but more so lethargy -- skipping feedings, etc.

first week stats:
weight: 8 lbs 8 oz
height: 21 1/2 inches
head circumference: 34.5 cm

home again, home again, jiggity jig

2011-04-29T12:26:00.003-04:00

We made it home! So much less shocking the second time around than it was the first.

We had to stay a full 48 hours in the hospital because I did not arrive 4 hours before delivery and could not get the penicillin I needed (since I was GBS+). They wanted to monitor William the whole time as a precaution. He's doing great! Kind of high bilirubin levels, so we have to keep an eye out for jaundice, but he seems to be getting better all the time. He had some significant bruising during delivery so that raises the bilirubins or something, but he's nursing and pooping like a pro so everything seems to be clearing out of his system just fine.

We didn't get home until near 12. Weren't sleeping until after 12:30. That's all of us. Sam included! Sam was very tired, of course, when we got home and very sad not to sleep in mom and dad's room. But then he was out like a light and didn't get up until 9 am today.

William is sleeping and eating well. We did 3 hour stretches all night. Both Aaron and I felt like we got sleep. I did the feeding, he did the burping and diaper changes. He said he's happy to be the primary diaper changer so I'll take advantage of that, at least while I'm healing.

My milk is coming in in full force but I'm avoiding the incredibly painful engorgement I had after Sam was born. It seems like the way my milk comes in indicates I'm not nursing frequently enough? They say that will keep me from getting engorged? But I nurse on demand and he's getting a lot and who the heck knows. Partly it's just getting used to having milk-producing breasts again I guess. Anyway, I do know that the nursing is WAY easier this time and I'm feeling very confident in that. William has filled many a diaper already which is an important measurement for how well your newborn is doing, so that's good too.

My recovery seems smoother this time too. At first it seemed lack of epidural was a big help. I didn't have to get over having all of that work its way out of my system/regain feeling/function of legs and all of that. I also think this time I knew recovery was an issue, where I sort of neglected to consider that during my first pregnancy. I did still tear, I do have stitches. I am swollen. It does hurt. But over the counter extra-strength tylenol is all I'm taking and until those stitches start tightening and causing me a bit o' stress in the next 5 days or so, I think I'm doing pretty darn good.

Meg is in town and has taken time off of work to help with Sam. It was so helpful to have her here. I know it was hard on Sam to have his parents gone so much (I had never had a night away from him before!! It was hard on me too!) but it was made SOOO much easier by being able to stay with his beloved Aunt Meg who he is very close and comfortable with. Thanks Meg!! She is coming over this afternoon, too, to help out so Aaron can finish up some school stuff (end of semester -- his LAST semester) and she said she can help this weekend too which is great. I was excited to have fewer visitors during the early days this time, but the truth is, you have a baby -- you need help! I can't even really get up and down the stairs to do the laundry, and that piles up quick. I'm already relearning about spit up and leaking diapers and all of that stuff. Wow. How quickly you forget.

William is sleeping in the play pen/bassinet right now. We have it next to our bed. I was planning to try having him in there last night, but physically it was hard for me to negotiate so he was just in our bed the whole time. I might look into those co-sleepers after all -- either bedside or the kind that goes in the middle.

So those are the things we're doing. Sam and Aaron are playing in the park right now. I'm going to go peek in on the new addition.

Oh, and here are the stats. Corrected.

William Abraham Nemec
8 lbs 6 oz
21 inches long
April 26, 2011
10:37 pm

Pics coming soon.

Welcome to the newest Nemec!

2011-04-27T02:33:00.002-04:00

He was born. What a day.

I did wake up in the morning and tell Aaron it might be the day our baby was born. I became more skeptical as the day progressed.

"Regular" painful contractions started around 6 pm or 6:30 maybe. I had dinner. They were still there. I told Aaron to go ahead and go to class but to keep his phone handy. I called him around 7:30 and told him to come home. Things were intense. But irregular. And then quickly gained speed.

I called my midwife. Contractions went from 8 mins apart to 3-5 mins apart really quickly. I took a shower (I had been doing yardwork with Sam and he had dumped dirt down my shirt!!) and we tried to make it to the hospital as fast as we could.

We got into the labor and delivery room around 9:20 or 9:30 pm. The midwife checked my cervix and I was already 8 cm. After a while, she broke my water. There was no time for an epidural. William ? Nemec was born at 10:27 pm on April 26, 2011.

OH. MY. GOD. If I were to do this again, I'd be pretty tempted for that epidural. I screamed like I have NEVER screamed before. It was INSANE. I was embarrassed. I expelled every bodily fluid I could, I'm sure, except I guess I didn't puke.

William was born 8 lbs 5 oz. I don't know if I know how long he is. He is doing well, but his face is bruised from delivery. Both of my sons came into the world with their hands up by their faces. Not sure what that's about. I was GBS positive and didn't arrive in time for the penicillin. They are monitoring him closely to see if he has problems related to that (tests have been unreliable/inconsistent). He has a prominent xiphoid process (guess not a big deal). So, in some ways, this one has been harder. But he's a champion nurser. He seems calm already. I think he looks like a Nemec. He feels so peaceful when placed on my chest. I already don't know how to do this newborn stuff, but at the same time it comes much easier.

Wow. What a day.

Still Focused

2011-04-26T18:57:00.002-04:00

So last night, or this morning, or something, my contractions felt more intense and cramp like. This morning, I passed some mucus plug. Yeah. Gross to write but whatever, I realized I liked the log I had with my previous pregnancy so some details will now ensue. It had more blood this time. Contractions have remained PAINFUL today but are short, and far apart. Very far apart sometimes.

Recently, I have had a series of potentially timeable very painful contractions. I have been somewhat active after a long afternoon nap though (doing yardwork). I have tried to remain hydrated but now I'm sitting on the couch drinking water so we'll see if they just fizzle out.

False alarms and false labor seem to be a lot of what's going on with me right now, but I can say that I really think he has dropped. The pressure is low. The contractions have changed because now I really must stop what I'm doing to deal with them. I didn't have contractions like this with Sam's pregnancy until it was the real thing. But the contractions are still very far apart and sometimes just 30 seconds.

Well, I'll keep an eye out and of course keep the blog updated. We may still have weeks to go. Or. You know. It could happen any minute.

2011-04-23T20:13:00.003-04:00

I'm watching every contraction. They are stronger. They last 30 - 45 seconds. They sometimes make me feel flush, or winded, or a little light in the head. They are crampy but not painful. Last night I had a series of them about 10 - 20 minutes apart. I thought it might mean something, so I hurried to bed to try to get some rest in case the real thing was about to happen (it was about 12:30 am). I did get to sleep after foolishly focusing on every muscle in my abdomen and keeping one eye on the clock. I woke to Sam freaking out about a stuffy nose. I ended up sitting with him on the couch for a while until he relaxed and could get back to sleep. I was grumpy and impatient with him. We eventually all got back to sleep in the same bed. I slept until 9 am. I guess it wasn't labor. But it was a reminder of newborn sleep. I need to work on my patience.

So I just re-read my old blog entries for the couple of weeks prior to Sam's birth. I keep thinking this pregnancy feels so different. And now that these contractions are gaining more ooomph I keep feeling that must mean that this baby will arrive sooner than Sam did. I couldn't be more wrong. So many of the sensations I'm feeling seem nearly identical to the first time, yet they feel brand new again. During my pregnancy with Sam, I talk for weeks about the contractions gaining in intensity: stronger, crampier, timeable. It didn't mean labor was about to happen or not. Just one day, it was time, I guess. So I still could be looking at two weeks, or more, or whatever. Or maybe it really will happen tonight. I don't want to obsess about it. But I don't know how not to. I'm pretty sure I've got at least something close to a week now, after reading about my previous pregnancy, but I also know that doesn't mean anything either.

Bah. It's time for more distractions. Maybe I shouldn't have taken time off of work before the baby arrived.

Well, here is Sam doing cute things like an Easter egg hunt and dressing up as a super hero.

Getting closer

2011-04-17T20:26:00.004-04:00

Our big guy! (He often calls himself "big guy" -- "watch out! big guy coming through!" or explains things he's doing with "that's what big guys do")

Going to the park in his little car with Aunt Meg. A chilly spring morning.

Wax crayon for Easter eggs!

Sam's first time dying Easter eggs. He loves hard boiled eggs so he thought it was pretty neat. We just did a few since he gets bored easily these days. Here I am 38 weeks pregnant. You cannot see the belly in all it's giant glory.

Easter eggs.

Belly shot from a couple of weeks ago.

Sometimes candid belly shots are most revealing. Here Sam and I are "dancing" (usually ends up meaning running) to the Footloose soundtrack.

I just wanted to share some pictures FINALLY. So there you have it.

This has been a nice weekend. Aaron totally spoiled me yesterday -- let me sleep in late, made me waffles. I had to work in the afternoon, but after that we went out to dinner (just the two of us! I gorged on Indian food) and we watched a movie. It was rejuvenating. I'm still sick but it was just what I needed. Today was lazy for me (though I have plenty I should be doing) and included a big breakfast, Easter egg dying, playing at the park, and a barbecue. Tonight I've had some fantastic contractions that are nice and strong, a little crampy, and even made me feel a little weak/light headed. But they are few and far between. I could still have weeks waiting for the little one to arrive.

I am 38 weeks today. Sam was born at just over 41 weeks. No matter how you look at it, we are close.

ugh.

2011-04-12T22:10:00.002-04:00

Yeah. So I caught it. I'm sick AGAIN. I'm super tired. I'm congested. I never finished being congested from the first bug. I don't know if it's allergies. Hard to ever know. I never used to have them but allergies can come whenever they want so it could have been/could be allergies for all I know.

Sam is starting to finally kick his second cold. It's been a week. Unfortunately, his cold made his appetite very low, and about all he would eat was fruit. And we were trying to push fluids so he drank too much juice. So now he has terrible diarrhea. So that's been FUN. for everyone. At least Aaron and I are thrown back into the mix of cleaning messes from bodily fluids and running constant loads of laundry. We'll be doing that in a month anyway so I guess this is a crash course.

We're sort of ready for the new guy. Sort of not. Still probably have a few weeks to go and I think we'll be ready for him when he arrives. I already am ready in many ways, and can't be ready in many other ways.

Ok. I'm totally tired. Gonna throw on a comfort movie and try to sleep propped up on the couch.

By the way -- I got some breathe right strips (store knock off) and they are awful. Am I just not using them right? Does anyone use these? I have been sleeping with a cough drop in my mouth for like three weeks now and I know that is not a wise move. Sigh.

sick. again.

2011-04-08T20:35:00.002-04:00

Sam is sick again! How does this happen?? We were very fortunate to avoid illness nearly completely during his first two years of life so I guess we are just getting our share now. Parenting a sick kid? Hard stuff. This time he has a lot of mucus that has resulted in a nasty cough and stuffy/runny nose. He refuses to try to blow his nose or cough up/spit the mucus out, so he's miserable. He's running a low fever. He's tired. Days are spent on the couch watching movies. We opted not to go to the doc today so I sure hope it doesn't get worse and land us in urgent care or ER or whatever since it's the weekend.

Just a couple of days and I can say I'm to term. 37 weeks. Officially an ok go time. I told myself I was not going to count down the weeks and days, but whatever, I am anyway. I plan to work two more weeks and then start my maternity leave. I'm looking forward to that. I feel like I've fumbled my way through work all semester. Total insecurities about my performance at work. Feel like I haven't met goals, things are all over the place. I am really anxious to reorganize and get in control. In reality, I don't think anything is nearly as far gone as I thought and that I'm just consistently faced with the fact that the job requires more than the allotted hours. Because of the pregnancy and it being Aaron's last semester, I think that I'm operating a bit slower and I'm not able to put in the extra effort and time that I have the previous two semesters. And it shows. I don't know if it shows to everyone. I'm sure it shows to some. Anyway it just doesn't feel good. Oh well, I can't be a superwoman I guess.

I'm excited for the baby to come. I want to meet him. I want to hold him. I want to even go through the birth. I know it will be hard and healing will be hard and there may be unexpected negative aspects to the whole thing, but the truth is, I look back at giving birth to Sam and it is a positive, warm, happy memory. Not a grueling, painful, struggle. This is the magic that kids have, I guess. And we toured the new hospital this week. It's very nice and new and comfortable.

Sam has been dozing on the couch. Woke up coughing a few minutes ago. He just turned down ice cream. I guess things are in sad shape. (And the bowl of ice cream is sitting on my belly. I officially have a pregnant belly that operates like a table or shelf. awesome.)

sick

2011-03-26T20:27:00.002-04:00

I've been sick for twelve days now. It actually is getting better, finally.

It's hard being sick. And pregnant. Especially when your toddler is sick. And all winter has been a bit of a wallowing self-pity sort of winter. I am full of worry, anxiety, lethargy. There are day snow where the sun peeks out from behind the clouds. The snow has been gone for a while, though we do occasionally spot flakes in the air. We even had days where the temperature got close to 70. Spring is on its way. This upcoming week, however, will be limited to 40 degree highs I guess. Sigh.

Work is ok, but I missed a week being sick and then struggled through with cloudy sick head and limited hours, and blowing my nose and coughing, and probably freaking everybody out. But the truth is, if you're a one-man-band you can't just not go get the work done. There is no backup plan, because there is no one to back you up. This isn't entirely true of my situation, I did delegate as well as I was able and I did limit my hours, but still you could tell people were inconvenience by my sickness (or you could tell if you're a self-involved, self-pitying, anxious, sick, pregnant woman).

I worry. About anything I guess. And then I read an article about how if you're worried/stressed during pregnancy you are more likely to have anxiety-prone children. Why would anyone publish an article like that in a parenting magazine? How is that not supposed to make the anxiety-prone mother full of anxiety about burdening her unborn child with anxiety? So current worries are medicines. I take acetaminophen every once in a while if I have pain. I take some antacids when the heartburn gets strong. But other than that, it's prenatal vitamin. I avoided cold/flu meds. I finally went to the doctor last Tuesday and they prescribed a Robitussin with codeine. They said it was level B (same as acetaminophen). Everything I read said it was level C, but both doctor and pharmacist said B. Who do I trust? Probably best to trust doc and pharmacist and not internet research, but how do I know? And level C is the nice gray area that is basically: "we don't know that it causes problems, but we don't have tests to say it doesn't. take if benefits outweigh the risks." But how do you know? How do you know what the risks are? Or the benefits? Well, I did take 1/2 teaspoon twice on separate nights. It didn't really help anyway. But it leads to worry. Am I unwittingly doing something harmful to my unborn child? And even nutritionally, or anything else. This time I am not watching everything. I slip up and have some kind of food I'm not supposed to. I miss a prenatal vitamin. What if I'm setting him up for some permanent struggles and I have no idea about it! I love being a mother, but mother guilt is really rough. And what about me being sick... could that be affecting him too?

And my new worry today is preschool. Sam will be three this summer. We were hoping he was going to be able to do preschool at the place he does his playgroup. It sounded positive but Friday Aaron found out he's an "alternate". They don't have specific rhyme or reason to tell you why or why not a child is selected. They are limited spots and they can pretty much just pick and choose whoever they want. So they didn't pick him. It stings a bit like whenever you don't get picked for something. How could they not pick my child? How could they not pick me? Because I think it will be a constant lesson to understand that my child is not me and these situations do not have a lot to do with who I am or who my son is either.

So that leaves us in a gray area, where we so often are. Sam will be three. All of his friends are in preschool. Should he be in preschool? I do not think a three-year-old must be in preschool, but I do think there are things that a preschool offers him that I do not (cannot?) offer. And now it's getting late to sign up. But Aaron is finishing school. Future employment is unsure. We don't know what we'll be able to afford. We don't know that we'll be here. Hmm...

What do you think, moms who may still read this... Pros and cons about preschool at 3? So you know, we're talking two or three days a week. Classes are just a few hours.

Hmm...

Maybe I shouldn't sweat it and just try to have more structured activities for him. That is what I think he benefits from. Having a special thing to go do. People to interact with. There are a number of activities available we don't currently take advantage of...

one more hmm....

tired and stuff like that

2011-03-04T14:19:00.004-05:00

Aaron passed his defense yesterday! Super early in the semester so it's kind of weird, but still, very cool to have that taken care of. He still needs to finish his paper, his video screening is tonight, and he still has coursework and classes he's teaching, but this will be a big weight off his (and our) shoulders. Yay Aaron! Congratulations!

That has made for an exhausting week, coupled with our computer dying right at the crucial moments of him finalizing some video stuff. Ugh. This meant multiple sleepless nights, but we did the impulsive run to Best Buy and just bought the computer they suggested. So far, no complaints, but it may have been a bit hasty. Still, in doing so, Aaron recovered his files (hard drive in old computer was ok and we got everything back) and he's back on track. With all of that going on, work remains a bit demanding, and I've had new pregnancy symptoms. Light-headedness.

Ok, so at my last midwife appt I met with the new midwife. I like her fine, though I like my regular midwife more, but either one could be on call when the big day comes, so I want to get to know both of them. Anyway, she mentioned that they found sugar and ketones in my urine from the previous visit, but I hadn't had an opportunity to eat really well that day and it was the day of my glucose test and I think I left the sample after taking the glucose stuff. But my bloodwork all came back great. Then I told her how I had this varicose vein. Then she decided to tell me about all the warning signs of pre-eclampsia. At the time I wasn't concerned. Didn't think much of it. My urine from that day's visit was fine. But after I left, I started replaying everything she said, and I started to feel like she was hinting that maybe I was showing early signs of just possibly having pre-eclampsia. Late night google searching got me paranoid.
So then this week I've been feeling faint. Having dizzy spells. Well I guess really just being light-headed. I really didn't have that with my first pregnancy. It just seemed to be continuing. Throughout the day and at random times. So, after having one of these spells, I decided to call the nurse. She said to go home from work, lie on my side, drink lots of fluids and see the midwife ASAP. Eeeek! Maybe there WAS something wrong! I finally was able to leave work, finally went to the midwife, and all was fine. Sheesh. I still feel light headed though so I guess it's just one more joy of being pregnant.

So I'm ok, Aaron is ok, and we're starting to get our house back to normal. If anyone were to stop by right now you'd see the evidence of our crazy week(s), that's for sure.

In closing, some cute Sam stuff:
Sam talks in his sleep sometimes. I was sleeping with him in his bed and I heard him saying "ok, baby brother, dip your chicken in the barbecue...now chew chew chew chew" -- or something like that! He was dreaming that he was teaching his brother how to eat! Oh man, and then he said something else to his baby brother, but I forget what...he was teaching him something else. Darn. I should have written it down right away. OH! he said "play with me, baby brother! play with me!" So Sam is looking forward to his new partner in crime.

My Son

2011-02-21T21:57:00.003-05:00

So yeah, I'll have pics one of these days. I lost the cord to my camera so I don't have easy uploading.

I just wanted to acknowledge some recent stories and experiences with my growing son. Mostly emotional ramblings from a pregnant woman.

Days when I don't try to work from home and am just HOME with Sam are very nice. We get along well. We have fun. We do things together. Usually I try to do too many things and it interferes with our daily rhythms. So: I am currently trying to wean myself from checking work email on my days off. This is hard. My job is defined as 20 hrs/week and often it requires more work than that. I have recently had to put a lot more extra hours in, so I'm trying to cut back and even take some time off to make up for it. That of course takes it's toll too and then I feel behind on stuff. Anyway, one way I try to stay on top of stuff is doing email stuff from home. Faculty do it all the time because they have to, so it is not that unusual for me to resolve things after Sam goes to bed at night. But what does this do? It ruins the barrier between my time and work time. It keeps me checking in on work stuff all day long "just in case". It keeps me distracted and it keeps me stressed out. The process of weaning myself from working at home is gonna actually take some time. I checked my email twice today. I thought about work a lot more. But I know that I will be happier and likely just as productive if I can make this separation. Wish me luck.

So yeah, Sam and I had a good day. Sometimes it makes me sad that he has to grow up. It is all so bittersweet, I guess. Today I stared into his eyes and just had to ask him "where did you come from?" because it is simply a miracle. Sam has truly shown me what unconditional love is. I love him with every part of me. He does not have to behave a certain way, or do anything particular, he just is, and I love him. Sam's cute response to the question was a tilt of his head and a shrug as he said "no me I know." I told him he came from my belly just like his baby brother and he thought that was funny. I tell him annoying mom stuff like how he was and will always be a part of me. Let's see how I can start messing my kid up from the very beginning, huh? But there is just this amazing and mysterious connection that I cannot begin to find words for. Maybe this is why people read poetry.

Tonight as I was saying good night he hugged me tight and said he would never let me go. not EVER! and I said I would never let him go either and told him a silly story about a boy named Sam and his mom and how they never let go of each other. He doesn't realize the meaning of these silly games to a hormonal pregnant mom who is watching her first born baby turn into an independent creative person.

Another bittersweet moment I meant to write about last time and completely forgot about and is now the impetus for this writing too:
Sam at the mall play area.
Meg, Sam, and I went to the mall the other day. We went after his nap so that meant we went late. Sam is pretty patient but he did get bored of clothing shopping. We had dinner at Panera, and that was good. Finally had to give in and let Sam PLAY which had been my bribe the whole time anyway.

The mall has a little play area for young kids. I try not to think about the germs which abound, because, really, what am I gonna do? Anyway, we finally get over there, take off his shoes (since shoes aren't allowed) and let him play. He lights up and is so excited. There are some older kids running around in circles playing some sort of tag-like game. Sam is too young for tag. He loves running and chasing, though. He is eager to join in the fun. He stands back, big smile, wide eyes, trying to figure out how to join in the fun. Finally, he braves it and goes for it.

There is an older girl (6?), boy of around 4 or 5?? and then a younger boy maybe 3 or so. The oldest kids are playing kinda rough, but Sam loves wrestling type games so it doesn't intimidate him too much. They get to the opposite side of the play area and I see the older boy stop Sam and tell him something. Sam looks perplexed and a little worried. The kids continue to run while Sam waits. Then Sam starts running again. A little later, the kid stops him again. This time the two boys put their arms around each other and say something too him. Again, they are across the room from me so I can't tell what's going on. Immediately my heart sinks. Is this it? Is Sam already being left out? I am thrown back to every socially awkward moment of my life where I felt like I never fit in. That I was never accepted. I want to run over there and ask what's going on. To defend him. But at least I know enough to stay put. Shortly thereafter, Sam is running after them again anyway. He is so focused on them that he doesn't see where he is going and runs right into a wall. He cries and I rush to his aid. His only words are "play more!!" and I say "of course, go ahead!" and he gets back to playing.

At one point I asked him if the kids had told him that he couldn't play with them. He said "no!!" and that they said he could indeed play with them.There are lots of other kids there, and by now he isn't trying to break into any groups. He is just playing. I think the bigger kid was being dragged home by his mom anyway. And finally, I too had to drag a tired Sam home, as it was time to get ready for bed and we were still at the mall. Later I asked him what the kids said to him. He said that they said hi and introduced themselves.

It was a pivotal moment for me. To see him as a social entity. A piece separate from me, yet still so connected. All of my personal emotions and social baggage coloring my perception of a harmless exchange. The realization that my son will develop his own ways of relating. That he may be outgoing where I would withdraw. That he will like some people and not others. That some people will like him, and some people won't. I just hope that I don't inadvertently push any social anxieties or eccentricities upon him.

He may only be 2 1/2, but my little boy is growing up.

Updates and such

2011-02-20T22:10:00.002-05:00

I wonder if anyone even reads this since I post so infrequently. No matter.

Some random pregnancy-related feelings/thoughts:

I am SOO pregnant. I am way bigger than I was the first time and have yet to even take a belly pic. Annoying people ask if I'm sure I'm not having twins. I smile and laugh and pretend I think it's funny and that they'll have to roll me down the hallways pretty soon, or something dumb like that. No, I don't think it's funny.
I hope you will know, little baby boy who still lives inside me, that I think about you often. I don't have the luxury of documenting every bit of this pregnancy like I did the first time. Go ahead, blame your brother (just kidding).
Work is a mess. Pregnancy has made me tired. I have volunteered for things I shouldn't have volunteered for. I cannot follow through with commitments the way I like to. It is hard for the ego.
This baby MOVES. He is ALWAYS moving. He kicks here, there, spins around. It is nice to know he is doing ok! But seriously, little guy, don't have to jab the ribs and the bladder all at the same time, do you?
Sam seems to have named the baby. Sam is set on a name and Aaron and I can't yet think of one we like more. Is it bad to have your toddler name his own brother? Hmm.
I have a varicose vein. A varicose vein! Yuck!! Thank you pregnancy (and I can probably blame my lack of exercise). I hope it goes away after pregnancy, but we'll see. I guess people aren't staring at my upper inner thigh, but still...
I'm sure I won't escape stretch-mark free with this pregnancy, like I did the last one. But I have never worn a bikini in my life, so why start now?
Sam and I have gone to a pool twice so far this winter. Yes, I who fear swim suits, have practically bared it all with giant stomach and everything. Sam should know this is out of pure love for him. (But everyone is right: it does feel nice to have that weightlessness of water when you're this pregnant. I walked out of the pool and felt SO HEAVY.)
I'm about 30 weeks pregnant right now. Six weeks till baby is "to term". I still think this will be a May baby (May 1 due date) but it could be April. But I said that about Sam too. He was due July 2, arrived July 10.
I have more aches and pains this time around. Older? Hauling toddler around? Body's in worse shape? Bigger belly? I don't know. Maybe all of the above. My tailbone aches and has since pretty darn early on, but not constantly. This is called coccygea. I saw a physical therapist for it but at the time it wasn't acting up and everything was in alignment so no big deal. She gave me some exercises I fail to do regularly.
We really haven't started prepping for this guy to come. We still have some time though. But I don't yet know what it is we need to get and whatnot. I guess I ought to get some diapers... those usually are important, right?

And in Sam Land:

I can't believe what a kid he is.
He's 2.5 years old now.
He talks a lot, but is not always easy to understand.
He likes to be the boss.
If he doesn't get what he wants, he knows how to turn on a tantrum in an instant.
I'm still learning ways to deal with said tantrums. I am starting to try more and more to not let him boss me around when we play and stuff like that. Hopefully it will start to help. Having a baby brother will probably be good for him, but definitely hard.
Sam knows his right and left.
Sam is excited for his baby brother. He says he is is friend. He says "I like baby brother" and stuff like that. He likes to say hi to him and feel him move in my tummy.
A popular game these days is Big Bad Wolf. Sometimes T-Rex is the wolf. Sometimes Sam puts on a costume. A lot of building Lincoln Log houses and having him knock them down. And lots of hiding.
He will sometimes say stuff like "mom...mom...mom..." and I reply "sam...sam...sam?" and he says "Me like youuuuu!". And I say "well I love you too, Sam." "No, me LIKE you..."

So yeah. That's some stuff. Now to movie and ice cream...

2011

2011-01-08T21:39:00.004-05:00

So we survived the holidays. I guess it wasn't that bad -- it was rather a roller coaster for me, and I attribute a lot of it to pregnancy. So those of you who had to endure the lows, my apologies, and my thank you for your patience.

What were some of the highs and lows, you ask? I'll spare the details, but let's just say having the whole family sick, hosting a revolving door of guests, anxiety, loss of sleep, and crazy pregnancy-induced emotional waves left me exhausted, less than level-headed, and a big cranky scrooge. Didn't take much to send me over the edge. And even at the end of it, Sam split his lip open playing New Years Eve and spent the evening of New Years Day vomiting. Happy New Year!

For the highs, though, this was Sam's first Christmas that he really got into and sort of "understood" (as in deciding that getting new toys and opening presents is FUN FUN FUN). We had our first Christmas tree in something like five years, so that was fun also (Sam was really sad to see it go). We had perfect Christmas snow. And it was very nice that so many family members wanted to take the trek to come and see us for the holidays. Sam is a pretty reserved little guy, but he understands family and gets so excited to spend time with all of his relatives. So, all in all, everything was ok.

And it was nice to have the time off. Aaron and I got to spend more time together than we have as of late, and that was really good. Now we are back to the grind. It's Aaron's last semester, which means prepping for his big MFA show. He also has a new class he's teaching. And then there is the job hunt too. So I have to get used to not seeing him again. At least it's only temporary.

Sam continues to grow at what feels like phenomenal rates. He seems tall, but I have no relative sense of measurement. I just see him running around this house and think -- "Wow, what a kid." He is so funny and talking all the time. His speech might still be a bit slow compared to other peers, but at the rate he's developing I have little concern. Still not sure if he'll qualify for the preschool program we're hoping he can do next year (I think I wrote about that on here but I'm not sure. But he'd have to qualify as a "typical peer" in terms of his speech language development). We seem to have transitioned him to his "big kid" twin bed now, with the understanding that he's a big boy and his new little brother will need the little bed. I think he's excited about sharing a room with his little brother, but I still sort of have no idea how sleep is going to work when the new baby arrives.

Pregnancy is going fine. I'm having a wave of exhaustion that seems to me more to do with diet and holiday aftermath. It keeps me from being productive though and I feel guilty about that. Sort of feel like I'm doing the minimum at work, and maybe that's just a misconception (like people thinking I should be there to help install their shows -- in the past I probably would have tried to arrange to do this, but now I just make it clear that that's not my job, but they can call if they have problems). The baby keeps very active which helps me feel like everything is going well. At the last doctor's appointment on Monday my midwife confirmed that the ultrasound revealed that all looks good. I'm something like 23 or 24 weeks along now. I still feel like this guy will come late like Sam did, but who knows. Heartburn is already setting in. I am becoming more aware of my increasing volume, as I run into things when I think I can fit through smaller spaces than I can actually fit through. I was telling a male friend of mine that it feels like walking around with a backpack -- you forget how big you are. I've kind of gained a lot it seems, and I think I'll gain more this pregnancy than the first. But I no longer have fears that it will be WAY more than the first. I know my belly will be bigger. I'm definitely one month or more bigger than I was at this point in my pregnancy last time. I'm also at the mid-point of the pregnancy that seems like the birth is far far away, but at the rate time is moving I feel like it is tomorrow. I started going through the baby clothes and things we saved and we're really stocked. I guess it's good we're having a boy! I really don't think we need to buy any new clothes. The only baby item I know for sure we'll need are some new cotton prefold diapers. Those things are so useful.

And so that is that! It may have been a rough end to 2010/beginning to 2011, but all in all 2010 was a pretty good year and I think 2011 will be pretty good too. I expect some serious emotional highs and lows with the transformations our family will be going through (new baby, Aaron finishing school/new job/no job, etc.), but we have such fun together and are so excited for our new family member that I feel pretty optimistic that things will be ok.

Putting Sam to bed tonight seems like a pretty good example of what life is for me right now: Our bedtime routine is long. Tonight he was being difficult about putting his pajamas on, but we did it. Then for brushing teeth he was goofing around and almost fell off his stool and bumped his head, so he was upset about that. Then we got to D's bed to read stories and Sam was upset because when I set him up there he almost fell down "don't do that mom!". But we read stories, and it was nice. And he ran to get his dad for "good night time!" and then scurried to his big boy bed and hid under the covers (this is now a standard part of good night). Aaron pretended to sniff him out. Then we went into the long routine of "Little Boy" story (a story about a Little Boy Named Sam). Then I had to sing "Dream By Night" (aka "Flying Dreams" from Secret of Nimh -- this has become our lullaby. Well, a bastardized mashed up version.). And Aaron had to sing the "Frisbee" song. The "Frisbee" song is one that Aaron made up after Sam was trying to tell me to sing "Dream By Night" but didn't know what to call it and was making a silly swooping hand motion and at some point said "Frisbee" (might have actually been "Brisby" because that's the name of the mice in Secret of Nimh) so we just went with it, and now is part of the regular bedtime routine. During that, we also had family hugs that bumped Mom and Dad's heads together, a giggle fit, lots of hugs and kisses. It was exhausting. It was tedious. Part of it is just Sam avoiding going to bed. But it is so fun. It is so sweet. I cannot tell him I won't sing for him because I just love the fact that he asks. And if he asks for one more hug and kiss, what am I going to say? These are beautiful moments that both give and take everything from me. So after Sam goes to bed, when I finally have my time, what can I do? Just about nothing. I'm zapped. So now I sit amidst a pile of unfolded clothes, slowly folding away, and writing this blog. Will the pile of dishes get done tonight? Not likely. Will I get caught up on the other projects I told people I would do. Nope. I'll finish the clothes and watch some junk on Netflix, and go to bed. I will feel overwhelmed with what I didn't do, but really, I don't think I'd do things too differently.

Sam snippets

2010-12-22T21:43:00.006-05:00

We're all sick. This is the first time we've all come down with a cold at the same time. Sort of the first time Sam has had a cold, so I guess I shouldn't complain. He's had a 24 hour stomach flu (that was awful) and then I think he had a cold a while ago, but it was very mild and short-lived. So this is the first time where we're stuck inside for days, all coughing, sneezing, and stuffy nosed. All of us. Uck. But I think Sam and I are on the mend. Aaron isn't sure he is yet. I hope we're all feeling better real soon because Christmas is right around the corner and we have oodles of visitors a-comin'.

Sick or not, I'm leaving the house tomorrow to get a haircut, if nothing else. It's been many months. I have bad highlights growing out that I can't do anything about really since I'm pregnant, but at least getting rid of the fuzzy ends will hopefully make things feel better! And I better decide on something to make for Christmas dinner and hit the grocery store as well.

Sam is so funny. He's been such a charmer lately. The other night he was drawing with his dad beside the Christmas tree, listening to an old Christmas record and he just told us "me happy, me happy". We said, "you're happy??" and he said "'kay." (he says okay for any positive yes word). Then he asked his dad if he was happy, then he asked me if I was happy. Then he looked at me around the chair and said "kiss!" and asked me to come over and give him a kiss. What a sweetheart.

And tonight while prolonging actually going to bed, he wanted to sing me a song. He stood in front of me with his hands clasped behind his back and smiled coyly, then covered his face and giggled. I suggested the Lollipop Guild song from Wizard of Oz. I asked if he wanted me to sing it with him and he said "No!" So then he built up the courage to perform, singing "Lollipop Guild! Lollipop Guild!" over and over, starting off shy and soon dancing all through the house.

Also tonight he did a lot of singing "Barbara Ann" with his dad; Aaron used his plastic microphone while Sam played his guitar with a makeshift guitar strap he put together. He was really hamming it up. Got into Huey Lewis' "Power of Love" too.

Oh! And also prolonging bedtime tonight: He wanted to drink some water and surely spilled a little on his pants. I said, "Don't worry, it will dry." He fussed about getting some dry pants. I gave in with a huffy "Fine." (because I'm so grown up and mature) and gave him a dirty look. As I left the room to get the dry pants he said "Love you too, Mom."

And another cute moment... Aaron was coughing in the other room and Sam said "D sick?" (Dad is always D). I said "yes." Sam said "me sick too." and then "mom." (because mom is sick too). Then he asked "Baby?" haha. I said "No Sam, I think the baby is ok." He'll give me bites of food for the baby too.

And speaking of baby. We have such the wiggle worm here! He's always rolling and tumbling around. I think I can kind of feel him from the outside now too. We have made little progress on names (please, feel free to share suggestions). I also have realized that I'm kind of sad that I won't be having a daughter. I'm not sad that our new guy is a boy, but since we're not (at this point in our lives) planning to have more than two children, this is it. I will be a mom of two sons. I guess I just always imagined I'd have a daughter. I feel really silly or guilty to say it, but it's true. I want excuses to buy stupidly cute little girl things and all of that. But announcing this loud and publicly seems to help me get over it. I love my little boy now, and I'm sure it will be love at first sight with my second little guy too. And how nice that they are brothers and will have each other. Still, those of you with baby girls watch out. I may just have to shower you with girl stuff.

It's a...

2010-12-15T21:54:00.003-05:00

BOY!

But you all know that already anyway, thanks to Facebook and email.

I realize now that I really thought it was going to be a girl. I'm not SURPRISED that it's a boy, I just thought it would be a girl and most of my day dreaming was of girl stuff and girl names and what not. I'm glad we decided to find out the gender because now we can actually start thinking about who our little guy is and Sam can prepare for his little brother. Little brother!! So fun.

This little guy already seems to have his own personality (which, you know, is obvious, but still...). He wiggles and moves ALL the time. He wouldn't stay still during the ultrasound either. I wonder what that will mean :-/ Of course you feel the movements a lot more second time around, and this time we have a posterior placenta and the first time we had anterior placenta so that has a big impact on how you feel it all.

Anyway, we are all just so excited to have had a chance to see him move and have all his parts and all of that. He's really there! He's with us already! It's pretty amazing.

In other news, work has slowed down, we're prepping for the holidays. Mike & Sarah will visit, as will my dad, and then Aaron's parents will even be able to stop by for a couple of nights. It will be nice to have time with family.

Here are some Christmas Sam pics:

Winter Updates

2010-12-09T21:53:00.003-05:00

It's cold. It has been cold. There is snow. There is ice. It's too cold. But I definitely prefer cold with snow to cold without. At least it's pretty and feels like Christmas.

We have a Christmas tree! I think our first in five years. We just picked it up at the grocery store. I hope it lasts until Christmas! It is full of weird and charming (to us, anyway) ornaments, primarily made by friends and family. I am sitting writing this post by the glow of the lights. We've been watching Christmas movies and listening to the Erlewine Christmas Tape (now as mp3s, of course). I have to say that one awesome thing about kids is holidays. They become really fun again. Sam is starting to understand all of these things, and it is so fun to share traditions and excitement with him. I'm having a hard time deciding what gift to get him though. I've purchased a lot of small odds and ends and want to have some presents under the tree before Christmas, but then some for the magic of Christmas morning too. But I also don't want to go overboard. It's too much money, too much commercialism, too much consumerism, and my two year old would be happy with so many simple things. Plus, I know his extended family will also shower him with goodies. It is interesting to figure out how we are going to "do Christmas," mixing different family traditions -- trying to relive those of our own past, yet forge our own new ones. Do we tell him all about Santa? Do we really try to make him believe all the stories? I guess we'll see.

In other news, the semester is winding to a close. I don't have a real break like those academic appointments do, but still, half time work, flexible hours, and decrease in faculty/activity around campus will feel like a break. And I could use one. I never thought about my job as being particularly physical, but in the last month or so it has become increasingly apparent that there are aspects of my job that I cannot (or SHOULD not, which may be more accurate) perform. It is not uncommon for me to haul stuff around, do lifting, climb ladders, paint walls, and all sorts of not-recommended-for-pregnant-ladies activities. It has been really hard to not be "able" to do them, particularly when I feel like I am perfectly able. Quite frankly, this may be the aspect of pregnancy I like the least. Feeling incapable, or like that fragile little lady in "delicate condition". The human body is strong; the female body is designed to protect this womb in amazing ways. Pregnant women are now encouraged to exercise and do all sorts of things. At the same time, I guess ladders and heavy lifting are still no-nos. Sigh. Anyway, next semester should be ok though. I've managed to get myself a grad assistant for the term. It won't be renewable (because of funding) but at least I'll have someone to help me with all that stuff, as well as the tasks I never seem to be able to do in just 20 hrs/week. Also, if baby comes early (or even on time), there will be someone there to oversee things while I'm off.

In Sam development news, all is going great. He's a kid now. He's talking more and more every week. He still can be a bit hard to decipher. Sentences are still primarily 2-4 words long, but he may have done 5 or more words now. He is getting really into singing. Often gets the words at the end of a phrase and speak-sings more than sings. Some of his favorites are "Charlie Brown" and "Barbara Ann," "Happy Birthday,"... He likes "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer" and "Frosty the Snowman" too. He is a really funny kid and most of all really nice and sweet. I'm so proud of him and who he is. I am always unsure as to what impact a parent really has on who their child is. I think we really just lucked out with this guy, but if I can take credit for it, I will. He's just a really neat kid. Today we had a nice day that again started with too much TV (he's into the cartoon Josie & the Pussycats -- "pussycat! pussycat! watch that!") but then we had a playdate, went to Walmart (complete with toddler meltdown -- I felt right at home in the socially questionable Walmart), lunch, nap. After nap Sam made lasagna with me, he did a huge poop in his pants (he is struggling with doing #2 on the potty), had dinner, took a bath, then had hot cocoa and watched some of a movie with me. Good day.

I have some work to do but don't feel like it. But I should probably get to it since it's 11 pm. Tomorrow is our office holiday party. Hope that's ok and not too awkward. I have to set up and clean up because there are only four of us in the office right now, including the head of the school, so...

Some snow pics of Sam:

New Post

2010-12-02T21:09:00.002-05:00

Today started off very nice. Sam and I have had too much TV time (cold out, and I'm always tired). BUT we did make salt dough Christmas ornaments and that was a lot of fun. Then this afternoon I had to go to work and it was work. Sigh. There are days when I love my job and days when I want to run away. Do you suppose there are any jobs out there that don't include the wanting to run away feeling?? I guess I don't think there are. There are always colleagues that are awkward to deal with. Always tasks that you'd rather not do. Or reasons to cause second guessing and self doubt. I'm trying to get over that, or just accept it and not let it get me down. I need tricks on how to do this though.

Sam and ornament making:

phew

2010-11-17T21:39:00.002-05:00

Man, another 11-hour work day! Gotta stop these! To top it off today was installing the faculty show. Doesn't everyone love working with faculty? Actually it was pretty good. I got to work with my former committee chair who I like and respect and we didn't have too many challenges come our way. That said, my partner in crime on this project was far more thorough and meticulous than I was, so it was a good learning experience for me but I felt like a slacker. But he's got 14 years professional experience on me, so maybe I'd be more of a pro by then too. Plus he's more invested in the show too. Anyway it was fine and the show is up and looks pretty good despite the lack of involvement from a lot of the faculty.

In other news...hmm... is there other news?

The weather is turning. It's cold now. Well we had some crazy unseasonable warmth for a while so the cold hit a little harder. Still, we have some warmish sunny afternoons so that's nice. Though I don't suppose anyone reads this for weather updates...

In Sam land, things are going very well. I'm going to have to start setting up play dates to keep him occupied with kids and activities now that we can't rely on going to the park due to weather stuff. But it's so hard. We have these two big crazy dogs so it's hard to invite people, let alone toddlers, over to play.

SLEEP UPDATES
Sam sleeps well now. He still goes to bed late, doesn't get as much nighttime sleep as some kids, but takes a big afternoon nap.

DIAPERS (or lack thereof)
Sam pees in the potty without fail now. But he doesn't want to poop on the potty. At first he did pretty well with it. Then he changed his mind. I think I'm going to just go with using diapers for poop and potty for pee. Our insistence on sticking with the undies just lead to tons of dirty undies, and he has no interest in going back to diapers or not peeing in the potty. So, when it seems he's ready to go poop, we'll just get him in a diaper and let him go standing up. Maybe they make standing up potties, hahaha. I dunno, he potty trained in like 3 days and then just changed his mind about going poo, so I think he's just not ready. I don't want to force it and make it harder or make him uncomfortable ('cause he just holds it in since he doesn't want to go in his undies and doesn't want to use the potty) so we'll do diapers for a while and wait for the time he's ready to use the potty full time.

TALKING
Sam has more words than I can practically count and speaks in 2-4 word sentences. From talking with other kids his age, I think he is still a little delayed. That said, he is continually progressing in vocab and verbal communication, I'm not worried. But he goes to this playgroup at the community center that is run by the university's speech and language program and Sam was (ironically?) there as a "typical peer", not one of the kids receiving therapy. It was clear Sam was talking MORE than the other kids, but not A LOT more. Anyway the semester is ending so the playgroup is ending and I contacted them to see if we can continue on next semester. They also have a preschool that is very inexpensive, three days a week, and seems pretty fun. So I asked about that too, while also expressing my concern that Sam doesn't meet the criteria for "typical peer". The folks in charge had some minor concerns too but think he'll probably be alright. It would be sad if he fell into some in-between area (not needing therapy/not being "typical"), but Aaron and I think Sam is beyond classification too... Anyway, I used to think preschool was kind of weird for such little kids but it becomes clear to me that I am often too tired or lacking the necessary knowledge to lead useful activities for Sam during my full days with him. The socialization and structured activities seem to be good for him. So I hope it works out. It would be for next fall when he's 3 years old.

BABY
The baby is doing fine! My belly gets bigger and bigger. I am now to the point where people feel comfortable asking me if I'm pregnant, so I guess that's good that I no longer look just chubbier. Last appointment with the midwife was good. Rather uneventful. Things seem good and there's still something beating away in there and I'm gonna go ahead and believe it's my baby's heart. The ultrasound will be next month, so we'll know a lot more then!

PREGNANCY
I do, however, already have tailbone pain. I was paranoid and thought it was related to the sciatic nerve (I have known multiple people to get bad sciatica so that freaked me out). But after reading more it seems to be ligament pain. So the awesomely named hormone relaxin is relaxin' my ligaments. This has caused my pelvic bones to shift and cause me pain. It's not bad, more of a nuisance so far, but last pregnancy I didn't have this until near the end of it and it seems so early to be experiencing it already. So I went to see a physical therapist, but when I showed up for my 7 am (!) appointment I found out that the physical therapist who works with pregnant ladies was out due to a death in the family. The other therapist talked with me about what was going on but we decided we better just wait for the lady to get back. So I'll try again next week. I do know that the pain occurs more when I am fully extended, so standing on my feet all day, extra lifting, etc. can aggravate it. Oh, pregnancy.

So that is all. I'm gonna go crash. Oh wait, I do have one little thing to do for work first. Oh, work.

Bad Day

2010-11-10T20:49:00.003-05:00

What makes a bad day, you ask?
How about an 11-hour work day. When you have to be on your feet for most of it. And you're pregnant. And a broken piece of student artwork. And technological problems that can't be fixed by IT nor Electricians. And a broken serving platter. And no dinner. And they didn't put very many veggies on my veggie sub. And tailbone pain at only 15 weeks pregnant. And the fact that I can't take tomorrow off because I have another big event to take care of.

I came home after dark and Sam rushed over with some drawings for me that he and his dad made. He gave me a hug. I held him and told him I missed him and he said he missed me too and rubbed my back. He sat in my lap and leaned on my chest while I told him how mommy had a bad day. Later, after we were eating his second dinner and my first (at 8 o'clock), he talked about Mom having a bad day and he said "Tari Mom" (sorry mom). He rubbed my arm.

These are precious moments that make bad days a little easier to take.

Unorganized

2010-11-05T14:31:00.002-04:00

Today is an officially completely scatterbrained, all-over-the-place, unorganized day. I completely forgot about Sam's playgroup this morning until it was nearly over. I feel like such a bad mom. I didn't really even tell him. Not sure he'd really fully understand but it could only lead to an upset kiddo. Sam loves his Friday playgroup.

And I completely missed this meeting I was supposed to go to this afternoon (in about an hour). I neglected to add it to my calendar when I got the initial notice, so I really didn't know about it until reading a reminder that I JUST got. Sam is down to sleep, Aaron is out of town, I really don't see how I'm gonna make it for the meeting. I don't think there's anyone I could call to drop in last minute like this. I just feel like a mess. And I feel really bad for missing the meeting because I had to miss the last one because of my doctor's appointment. To be fair, the meetings for this committee drive me a bit batty so I won't entirely miss it, but I certainly would have tried to go if I'd been a bit more prepared. And also, it seems worth acknowledging that Fridays I don't go into the office anyway, and I'm the only part time employee on the committee. Everyone else is well-payed people of power and significance. So that means I should get some slack, right? But maybe it also means it's worth it to look more involved. Oh well.

My life these days is so focused on myself and my home that I feel a little out of touch with work. I'm not behind, really, but I am sort of just doing the minimum of what I need to do to get the job done. Maybe that's not entirely true, but it feels a bit that way. I guess even if I am being that way I guess it's not all that bad. Sometimes I think the notion that you should always go above and beyond for your work just results in a lot of wasted energy and stress.

So, I'm home, I guess, and that's that.

And I've been a single mom since Wednesday night, so that adds to my flusteredness (what do you mean that's not a word??). Aaron is off to Boston for an art thing. It's a short trip. A lot of parents do way more single parenting than this. But I rely on Aaron SOOO much for every little thing that pretty much once I reached 24 hours of solo parenting, I sorta hit the wall. Meg and our friend Stephanie helped out though so pretty much I'm just a wimp. Aaron gets home late tonight so that's good. Then I will be installing a show all weekend so I guess it will be his turn at solo parenting for a couple of days. Things just have felt too busy I guess. Though I think after this weekend they'll start to slow down. I hope.

I should go do dishes or laundry or both. But maybe I'll lie down and wallow in my inability to get anything done. I'm in the second trimester, I should have energy now, right?

Happy... Happy Halloween, D!

2010-11-01T22:38:00.004-04:00

Halloween was fun. Really fun. Sam had a blast.

THE COSTUME
I screwed up with his costume. I had made a pretty alright wolf costume then covered him in this orange and brown striped sweatshirt (which to me I thought "Halloween" but when on him with a furry head totally screams "tiger"). Then Sam also got super into the idea of face paint and through various trials discovered that he would no longer be content with just a little painted nose so he had confusing face paint. Anyway, Sam chose to be the Big Bad Wolf but ended up as some sort of generic fluffy animal that was identified as either a lion, tiger, or bear (oh, my!). I felt a bit like a failure but then I realized that this happens with LOTS of costumes and is also actually part of the fun of homemade costumes. See, every year I have wanted to make Sam some amazing costume and never really find or take the time. Or maybe it's just that I feel like I SHOULD be able to make this amazing costume and then get performance anxiety and am scared of failure. Anyway, that coupled with my exhaustion and nausea from the first trimester of pregnancy, I just didn't have it in me to make much of anything. I decided I could probably pull off a "werewolf" with a hood and some mittens and a tail, so I tried to get Sam into the idea. Well, he took right to "wolf" and then told me he wanted to be the "big bad" wolf. Ok, not quite a werewolf but close enough!! I tried making a hood with little success and decided to take Sam out to shop for costumes. We lucked out at Goodwill and found a puppy costume. I did a little alteration and voila, we had something more wolfy than puppy but I guess really just fuzzy. Then we went to Target for face paint and a sweatshirt. We picked out the orange striped sweatshirt, and from that point on Sam labeled it the "Halloween" sweatshirt and would not wear it because it wasn't Halloween. So, of course we had to use it on Halloween! I also got him a flashing pumpkin reflector necklace for safety. I had forgotten about it and found it in a bag a couple of days before Halloween. Sam LOVED it. Didn't need it for trick or treating, but flashing pumpkin necklace is just cool anyway, I guess. All in all though he looked adorable, has been wanting to dress up as the wolf all the time, so he loved his costume, so I guess it was a success.

TRICK-OR-TREAT! HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
We also practiced "trick or treat!". Sam got quite good at it, though the phrase (coming from Sam) sounds just like "choo choo train!", or pretty close anyway. So we practiced knocking on doors, saying "trick or treat", "thank you", and then Aaron taught him "Happy Halloween". He got SO good at saying "Happy Halloween" and said Happy Halloween to everybody and everything. Very cute.

HALLOWEEN NIGHT
Tom and Jeanette came to visit for Halloween. It had been about 10 months since Sam last saw them but he warmed up to them in no time, perhaps thanks to some video chatting. Their plane arrived during nap time so Sam pretty much completely skipped nap the first day of their visit and was super cranky all day. I was afraid they wouldn't get to see Sam as we know him. But on Sunday, despite a slightly rocky start, we maintained a good food/sleep schedule and he was our normal happy funny kid. We got him all dressed up and the plan was to meet with some neighborhood kids for trick or treating. Before we made it out the door, the twins from up the street (about four months younger than Sam) came to trick or treat at our house. So we all walked to the meetup at another friends' house. All together we had a group of seven kids, age 1-3, ready for trick or treat! We hit the neighborhood in furry toddler style and made everyone's night. Sam collected a lot of candy, said lots of "trick or treat" "thank you" and "happy Halloween"s to all the candy givers. He was usually one of the last of the pack to the door. At one prize moment, a house had a bowl of candy with a few packages of Ding Dongs in there. None of the other kids reached for the Ding Dongs and the adults were laughing at how no one reached for the "big" treat. Sure enough, as soon as Sam got up there, he grabbed the Ding Dongs. My man!! We didn't finish trick or treating with all the kids. Before the last cul de sac we planned to hit (a posh little pocket of $400,000 homes -- good candy MUST be there, right??), Sam told us he was ready to go home. So we did. (I guess the highlight of that part was a house handing out String Cheese! All the toddlers were very excited!)

The rest of the night was fun. Sam had a little bit of candy, played heartily with Uncle "Pom" and "Nette" and Aunt "Meh", including a dance party. Other zany moments included running away into the kitchen, waiting a few moments, then running out to our uproarious applause. This followed some game where he fell down and actually played dead, lying all limp and everything. He was hilarious. He went to bed late, but he went right to sleep. And didn't wake up until 9:30 this morning!

So it was a very nice visit. Sam loved Halloween. He keeps asking for "more again". I think the concept of waiting a whole year will be hard one to grasp. We're trying to get him excited for Thanksgiving.

Home Day

2010-10-25T14:51:00.004-04:00

Sam has "Mom Days" and "Dad Days", or "Mom Day" and "D Day" as he says it. But I've thrown things off 'cause I'm home on a D Day. Feels good though. I was coming down with a cold and yesterday ended up working for three hours on work stuff anyway so I decided to take the morning off. Then went ahead and pushed on for the full day. I dunno, I just need a recovery or maybe it is all preventative. Anyway, I'm home and lazy and it feels good. Sam has settled into a nap, I have a Harry Potter movie on (prepping for the new movie out next month -- woohoo!) and fully intend to doze off on the couch. Pile of dishes be damned!

Things are good here. I think I am now officially 13 weeks pregnant so I can begin comfortably telling the world. Though I have been telling people when I see them since my belly is pretty much doing that anyway. So, hello world, I am pregnant! I am feeling much better. Nausea is rare, but not completely gone. I'm tired, but not so exhausted. I think I will feel more of a shift as I move into the second trimester then I did with my first pregnancy. I am still very eager for an ultrasound. Here they only do the one 20 week ultrasound unless medically necessary to do more. Oi. But I guess the weeks are flying by so 20 weeks will be here in no time. And at that point I'm half way through anyway. Boy oh boy!

So Sam went through a potty strike. Caused some strife but it only lasted a few days I guess. I guess once the novelty of using the potty wears off they just don't want to have to stop, pull down pants, and sit and go in the potty. But he's been a good sport of it the past day or two so I guess we're still there. He doesn't like to poop in the potty, but he makes such an obvious poop face and stance that we usually catch him in time for the big poops, though we have had plenty of accidents to clean up. You so look forward to the days of being free of diapers, but cleaning potties, dirty undies -- hard to say it's much better! But we do have a lot less waste and we are certainly moving in the right direction. And I only had one HUGE accident where I got soaked with urine, so that's a plus.

The whole family has been fighting off a little cold. Sam has a runny/crusty nose. Aaron had a bug for a few days but seems better. I'll probably be better tomorrow. This was our first time of all getting a little sick, lucky it was a super little cold and hardly anything to bring us down too much.

Let's see, what other random thoughts/updates... Well we'll have company for four weekends straight! Though two of the guests stayed with Meg and the other two with us so that breaks things up a bit. So nice to see everyone. Up next is a visit from Tom & Jeanette. We only see them about once a year so we're looking forward to that quite a bit. I think we'll be taking a road trip down to Texas in March though to see him and the Texas Nemecs. Should be nice.

I guess that's all I have to say right now. And if I don't get down too it I will miss my chance for nap.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch...

2010-10-20T22:01:00.006-04:00

I'm exhausted. I've been gone all day. Working all day and then this mom's night out thing with the neighborhood moms. Then I came home and Aaron had to rush off to work. So I got the kiddo to bed and I thought, gee, I want to write a blog.

But I left my blog in such shambles. All ugly and green with a header that didn't fit. Every time I went back to it I just didn't want to work on it. So, I decided to revamp the look. But I don't have the pics on this computer so I had to go to the other one. And the new design template stuff is a little confusing to me. And I couldn't find out where I had my header image and what size it was supposed to be and how to replace it. And photoshop was being super slow and I couldn't quickly zip through and resize what I wanted. And the time kept ticking on and I still have a visual mess of a blog. But whatever. What I felt like doing was writing so that's what I'll do.

Sorry it has been so long. I guess I'm not completely done with the blog after all. I thought maybe I was. I guess the big change is that...
dun dun dun
I'm pregnant!
So I want to go through it all again. Because. Well, maybe pregnancy makes me crazy. It makes me all reflective and introspective and curious and pretty much self-obsessed. So obsessed with how things are changing -- inside, outside. How things will continue to change inside and outside. I feel excited and scared and all of that stuff.

Today, mostly I feel worried.

So, I went to this girl's night out with the local moms. The new neighborhood has been really good. There area bunch of toddler's and Sam sort of has neighborhood friends. Very fun. Since I'm really not good at organizing activities for the little one, the impromptu playgroups at the park really are great. We can do them at our convenience and we see many of the same faces over and over. Which is good for a shy guy like Sam; he takes a while to warm up to new people. So the neighborhood mom's needed a night out a few months ago and organized a get together. They had another last month that I had to miss, and now tonight was the third gathering. I was sort of dreading it. I like the ladies, but, beyond being moms, I'm not really sure what we have in common. All the more reason to gather I guess.

I dunno it was awkward, but it was a good time. It was fun to go out and nice to have conversations with them beyond broken exchanges at the park. I wonder if I try to dominate conversation too much. Like if I'm not directly involved with a conversation I don't know how I fit in so I always try to interject. That's super annoying. I hope I'm not like that. Oh well.

Anyway, mostly I wanted to write because all of the other moms had two kids, except for two of us, and the two of us are pregnant (due at almost the same time!). What did I discover talking with these moms?

They are unhappy. They are worn out. They feel under appreciated. They long for child-free moments, which for them are so rare. These were all highly educated stay at home moms (I think one other mom works 10 hrs/wk). I was reminded of all these articles I've read about how having kids seems directly related to being less happy -- some statistics showing those without kids are indeed happier than those with. Is this true? Are all these parents and moms full of misery and sorrow?

I don't feel that way. I guess I feel pretty good, really. Sure I get down, but it isn't because I'm a mom. I don't feel like there are things I want to be doing that I can't be doing. Sure, I get stressed out when Sam is fussy and I have a bunch of stuff to get done and he needs more attention than I want to give him. But everyday I feel this joy from being with him that is unlike anything I felt before. He makes me laugh. Every little thing about life becomes new again. I learn it again. I try to see it through his eyes. Being a mom has made me feel more complete and more happy. I tried to explain a little of this with the other moms and no one else seemed to respond. Is it because they cannot relate? Is it because they have two kids and I just bask in the fun of one? Is it because I am working? Because Aaron and I alternate days of childcare? So we cannot go crazy from consecutive days of caring for a being that needs you all of the time?

Probably it was really nothing. And I am reading far more into things that weren't even there. Probably it was a group of tired moms that looked forward to having a table full of like-minded individuals where they could complain about things like kids and husbands to others who understood. Not that it is the complete story of their emotional lives, but rather a chance to vent some ordinarily pent up frustrations. And I was the annoying one in the corner saying "oh, my in-laws aren't bad" and "oh, sam brings me such joy" and all that junk.

(However, one husband did call his wife and let her hear the kids crying and then hang up -- no conversation...she got the hint, the party broke up, and we went home.)

Oh well, whatever. I guess it left me scared about how things might change. But I feel good too. I mean, I get jealous of all these ladies. Well, I get jealous of everyone. Big houses, nice cars, good incomes, blah blah blah. But I think the simple arrangement Aaron and I have figured out provides a balance we would not achieve if I worked more and had more money (being independently wealthy would be a whole different story of course...).

So anyway, I hope you moms out there are happy in your choices. You are sacrificing, but does it feel like a sacrifice? You are giving and giving and giving, but does it really feel thankless? Does it get that much harder once you have another one? Maybe I'm being a Pollyanna but I guess that's kind of a good and different twist for me.

And for those of you who don't know:
I have a two year old who uses the potty (!) and talks (!) and no longer uses a pacifier to sleep, sleeps in his own toddler bed, solves problems, and continues to grow so amazingly in front of my eyes. They days and weeks and months go by so fast. I do not easily measure the milestones I expected that first year so it is almost as though I miss them. But he is growing and changing so much. He is tall. He is funny. He comes up with his own ideas. He draws pictures of dinosaurs. He is going to be the big bad wolf for halloween (I suggested wolf and he said he wanted to be the "big bad" wolf). He is so fun. I will have to find stories to retell and photos to post. It is too bad I haven't made a record of everything. He is also just such a nice boy. He hugs the kids at the playground (of course, not all of them want him to), he helps kids when they fall down. He is sensitive and sweet.

I am trying to soak up every Sam minute I can before the new baby comes because I know everything will change.

Oh, I'm 12 weeks pregnant at the time of writing this. I think I will post it once I'm 13 weeks along and sort of officially "in the clear". Baby is due end the of April/beginning of May (due dates be damned! but it's May 1st if you really want to know).

stuff n stuff

2010-07-22T11:35:00.003-04:00

I am a single mom for a couple of days. Aaron is off to Nebraska (of all places) for one-night art exhibition. He had planned to do this last winter but a terrible storm and car accident kept him from it. So he rescheduled for this weekend. He's sick, though, and that will make it a challenge to do the long drive for such a short show. But he has left. He's going for it.

Sam just went down to nap.

But I'm not alone. Meg is just across the river and can help out, and Aaron's mom is actually coming to visit on Saturday. And I just got a message that she might come tomorrow night. So maybe I just have to manage one night on my own.

Things remain busy and scattered. I feel so all over the place. Like I can't keep up with seemingly simple things. Stuff I feel like I should be able to handle easily. I forget stuff. I ask stupid questions. This move has been hard for me and I'm not entirely sure why. Sure, it's change. And it's scary commitment. And it's hard to move with a toddler. And I'm not able to get enough sleep. And I don't do well with not enough sleep. And there is just so much going on. Already we've had a leaky shower, a clogged sewer line. (I seem to often have water problems where I live and blame it on my completely water-lacking astrological chart -- you astrologers reading this can tell me if that is nonsense -- it may well be.) We have all this other stuff we want to do to the house. It's easy to drop too much money on it, here and there. And then things like Comcast accidentally charging us a second installation fee don't help. I get so angry with Comcast it's silly. I'm only doing one job right now -- teaching. So I feel like I should be on top of everything. But I feel so completely not on top. It's exhausting.

Today I went to a playgroup through the mom meetup.com group here in town! Yay me! But I completely failed. I didn't introduce myself to people, though some people introduced themselves to me. And Sam was being completely shy too (gee, where does he get that??) So pretty much Sam and I played by ourselves while other moms and toddlers played nearby. Maybe I'm forcing it. Maybe I don't need more mom friends. I dunno. I would probably try again. Maybe an indoor setting works better because Sam and I can't just run off to another part of the park or whatever. The park the playgroup met at was right near our house, though, so we were able to walk to and from. But I didn't take the stroller because it is rocky/hilly terrain taking the back path there. And on our way home, we completely got soaked in an unexpected warm summer rain. It was actually pretty fun.

Aaron is doing better than I am at meeting other parents and toddlers. When I'm teaching he often takes Sam to play at the little park near our house and he has met neighboring families. So that's good. Sam, I guess, is still very reserved in those groups. Yet, he's very outgoing at the library lap-sit, which Aaron takes him to (again, while I teach). So I think he just takes a bit to warm up.

I have also been shopping around for a daycare. Aaron will be going to Iceland for an artist residency at the end of August. He will be gone two weeks. It is the first two weeks of the semester and I can't take the whole time off. So I am going to need help. Luckily, it seems some of our friends will be able to watch him a few mornings each week, so I'll take some vacation time but get some work time in. Still, I think it might be good to have more of a scheduled group socialization opportunity for Sam. I don't want him to be too shy or uncomfortable around other kids. And sometimes I really do think that preschools are becoming more and more necessary, just because more and more kids do them. It's almost expected that by kindergarten kids have already had some sort of "schooling". Plus, I do sorta wonder if other people know more how to teach my child stuff than I do -- I mean, I really don't know much about early childhood development and though it's interesting, I don't think I'd be able to learn it all just to teach my own children. I don't know. He's only two. There is time for all of this. But I will say shopping around for a daycare is hard. It's hard to know the right questions to ask. It's hard to find a program that does what you want. I am guessing we'll be waiting another year. But, I guess that's good, because waitlists can take a while.

wet from the rain

TWO YEARS!

2010-07-10T14:09:00.006-04:00

So somehow the days just keep going by. I wake up at 6:45 and before I know it it's 10 pm. And in the midst of all of that, my little one has been with us for two years! two whole years! Today, we wish Mr. Sam a great big happy birthday!!!

He is currently napping.

We have moved to our new house. From move til today, sleep has been erratic I guess. It's not missing, but it starts late and ends early. So today he woke up at 7:30 despite going to bed at 10 or maybe later, so he crashed at noon on our way home from the zoo. Hopefully he'll get a nice long nap and we can get back to our regular sleep routine. Tough to have him tired and cranky on his birthday!

We converted his crib to a toddler bed. Jumping the gun? I dunno. So far he has rolled off onto the floor twice. Last night was the second time. Poor guy. SO sad to wake to him crying and pick him up off the floor, shocked, tired, and probably in pain.

This morning we got a donut and went to the zoo! Lafayette has a neat little free zoo that they are expanding all the time. They have a great wallaby "exhibit" and the wallabies have little joeys in their pouches! And the river otters are really fun too. Always swimming around. There is one of those tubes that kids can crawl through too and Sam always likes that. He might like the old-fashioned tractor by the petting zoo the most though.

His grandma is getting to town in about an hour (Aaron is picking her up in Indy right now). We will have a simple Sam dinner (grilled cheese and tomato soup) and cake and ice cream. And, of course, presents! Sam is starting to get into presents -- curious to open boxes and see what's hiding under paper. So that's fun.

Non-birthday updates:
Adjusting to the new house is going well. The first week was rough. Really missed the yard and land around the old place. We also had a leaking shower that required different plumbers to come and fix over the span of like four days. They inevitably would show up when Sam was (*finally*) napping, the dogs would go nuts, and there went the nap. And we couldn't shower. So it was rough. Dogs were having trouble adjusting to lack of privacy/yard and having strangers in their house. Aaron and I were seriously tired because moving with a toddler is HARD. You do not have nearly the time to settle and all of that that you did pre-kid. We had to wait until after 10 pm or so to get unpacking and settling in. Oi. But, finally, on Thursday we got internet so we could finally feel like home. Pathetic, but it did really feel that way. Plus, we're all just getting used to the new surroundings and dogs are getting used to being in a neighborhood again. I, however, cannot wait to get a fence installed.

I'm still tired and scatter-brained and feel like I'm all over the place, but we're settling in. Seems like it's taking forever.

Sam continues to grow like crazy before our eyes. He is talking so much more now. Sometimes it takes me a minute to realize what he's saying, but out of the blue he'll say some new word like "stairs" or "towel". He combines two words frequently; not usually three. He likes to play pretend. We have changed Mr. T's diaper, marched dinosaur toys around, pretended to be airplanes, or sleeping, or whatever. Two is a very fun age. He's getting bigger all the time. He is such a kid. I really think I need to find playgroups for him and stuff, but I'm terrible at it. I've started to look into daycares, but no obvious winners there. I had joined a mom group through meetup.com but so far have not really found a way in, despite some meager attempts. Hopefully I'll figure something out.

So that is that. Now for a few pics:

Signing "Mom" and saying it too

Signing and saying "Dad" (or "dee")

Signing "Sam"! We came up with a sign for Sam -- Thumbs Up!

The elephant sculpture at the zoo. He always puts his head under the trunk to get wet.

He loves drinking fountains.

The tunnel at the otter exhibit

Tractor fun!

First time we've done one of these. They had a step for Sam to step on.

The Erlewines found out Sam was into Dinos. Nuf said.

Toddler Tummy

2010-06-25T23:26:00.002-04:00

Oh and a frustrating and confusing rant about Sam's digestion and such -- experienced parents feel free to offer suggestions.

Sam had diarrhea for probably more than two weeks. After just over a week of it not sorting itself out, we went to see the doctor. The doctor had us collect a stool sample to test for parasites. Have you ever had to collect a stool sample for a non-potty trained kid?? They want you to line their diaper with plastic to collect it. So uncomfortable! It kept going up his but cheeks. Poor kid. So we got a sample and turned it in. Didn't hear from them didn't hear from them, then the doc called to say they needed more! So Aaron goes out to the lab and gets another specimen cup. They need to do a blood cult test. They want to see if there is bleeding in the intestines. So they give him the cup and say he can do that or do this hemocult (sp?) card thing. So we decide to do the cup because we didn't know what to do with the cup. By this point it's a good week since our doc appointment and Sam's stool is firming up anyway. But finally we collect it; it's after hours so we refrigerate it and intend to bring it to the doc the next day. We don't. So the day after that (now Friday) I call the nurse to see if it's too old. She said probably, most of the time it has to be within 48 hours, but I should take it in and ask. I take it in and ask and they said it had to be within 24 hours and I should just do the card anyway. I *politely* explain how this is stupid because we've wasted all this time and I'm probably the irritated overly vocal mother that embarrasses everyone. Anyway we plan to do the card and they throw away the old poop that has been sitting in our fridge!! Then another nurse calls to check back with me and explain that the poop has to be back within like TWO - FOUR hours or something. I'm like "how is that supposed to work??" They don't understand why it's a problem -- "oh, do you live out of town?" No, but we share one car, and there is nap time, and he often goes in the evening, and.... anyway finally someone tells me I can go to the hospital to drop off the sample if I need to after hours. Regardless, in this instance we just need to do the card. Fine. I will do the card. By now Sam's poop is back to normal. OH and this last nurse finally told me that there weren't parasites, so I guess that's good news.

Augh. So frustrating.

Now, however, Sam is back to very slow bowel movements -- like every three days. Three days!! He is drinking lots of fluids, eats wheat and whole grain, might have too much dairy, eats fruits and veggies. We now give him the yogurt with the bacteria for healthy digestion...We know to ease up on bananas, rice, applesauce... I worry about this kid. Hmm.

Also -- I'm pretty sure Sam was doing some teething when the diarrhea hit. Moms out there -- did your kids get this when teething?

Ah, to blog about poop. I have no shame.

Craziness

2010-06-25T18:22:00.003-04:00

I need to update my banner. Silly to see winter Sam in the hot and humid summer weather. I guess it's kind of refreshing though.

So, when I post so infrequently it leaves too much to say that I don't know what to say.

We are still trying to buy a house. Today is the 25th. We were supposed to close today. Didn't happen. Supposed to close Monday, won't happen. So now the goal is Tuesday. I hope it happens. The couple who took over our lease needs to get in the night of the 30th. Oi. That's Wednesday. We have to be out by Wednesday. We have a lot of stuff packed. We have a lot more packing to do. But instead I'm writing this blog. Aaron is doing some packing. I have a hard time knowing what packing to do next. Like I need to clear things out before I can know what to pack up. We're running out of boxes. I don't know how many dishes to keep out. I've already had to dig things out of boxes that were already packed.

I'm a sloppy packer. I pack ahead and I seal boxes and everything -- it's not like I'm packing as I load the truck. But I will pack things that fit the box well or balance the weight load instead of good sorting. Aaron is a good sorter, good organizer. I make boxes full of miscellaneous things and label them "liz miscellaneous" this has been a joke amongst us for a good long while.

I'm scared that we're buying this house. It is a cute house. It is a small house. It is on a good street near nice parks with good schools, close to campus, close to the library, close to restaurants...we got a great down payment deal. I should feel confident in this choice. But I'm having cold feet. Home ownership is exciting but always more money, more work, more commitment than it seems at first. These are things that are good about it too -- you get to put money into it, you get to accrue money in it, you get to make it your own. But every little problem you have with it is you problem, and it is a burden. But I think it will be ok. I'm scared to have close neighbors. I hope they are ok. I'm nervous about "settling" though it's something I've wanted for a long time.

A lot of my insecurities come up just because of lack of confidence. I'm teaching again. Bring on the self doubt. The class is going well, the students are good workers -- it's all fine. But if there is anything to ruffle my feathers it's teaching. I guess it just isn't for me. I keep thinking with more experience I will gain confidence. But you know what? I guess I've been doing this for five years now -- how much experience do I need?? (it has been on and off for five years though). Anyway, that kind of insecurity just makes me insecure about all of my life choices and all of that. But really things are good. I should feel good. And I think I do feel good. Most of the time.

We are busy. Too busy. I'm working full time -- or just under, with the gallery and teaching. I can't believe there are couples where both parents work full time. Yikes. We are exhausted even with this arrangement. I get home from an 8-hour day and I'm exhausted. I don't have the energy to pack, to clean house, to entertain Sam with something better than a movie or lying next to him while he plays with cars on our bed. It's terrible. It's terrible to not have the energy for my son. I sorta feel like I'm a wimp. There are so many parents that do this all the time. Surely they don't neglect their children all the time like the way I feel I'm doing? I guess that's extreme. It's not really neglectful. But it sure isn't what I would want it to be.

And then I feel neglectful of my spouse. Our summer at one point was going to be very relaxed; I would work some and Aaron would have time for his art. His time is now all for Sam and moving and house chores. It's taking it's toll.

But we will get through it. It isn't long now, actually. We should close next week. We should move next week. I'll take time off of the gallery next week, only teaching (four hours/day, three days/week). Then I'll work one more week at the gallery and be off until August. Then I have the two job overlap again for a week, then it's back to the gallery only. So it will ease up. Of course Aaron is traveling all over the country and world with art shows, so we'll see how we sort that out. If anyone wants to come watch Sam for a couple of weeks in August, let me know!

I started looking into daycare options in the fall. I thought maybe two half days a week would help. Sam is more into playing with kids and we don't do that too much. And it would ease things up for the two working parents. But I dunno. It's expensive; it's scary. Aaron is probably teaching just two days/week next term, so alternating schedules won't be too bad. I don't know. OH! this is also instigated because the past two years we've had a cheap and reliable sitter living next door -- Meg! But now we're moving, and so is she. She got a good job downtown and just leased a sweet apartment above some downtown shops. Very cool.

So it's change, change, change. But I guess it's good. It is exhausting.

A mixture of pictures:

Playing guitar over video chat with Grandpa

Washing his car. Serious business.

Cake is way more important than smiling for the camera. (Aaron's bday!!)

More serious car washing

Hallway in the house that may soon to be ours.

Living room.

Kitchen

Showing body parts.

This is Sam's pout. He is a total 2 year old. If he doesn't get what he wants, we see this face in an instant. We probably give in too much. Here, he wants me to put the camera away.

My beautiful boy.

Mom, put the camera away!

This is my Sam.

yeah

2010-06-02T14:47:00.002-04:00

So I am finally posting. It has taken so long to post that I no longer wanted to post because there is too much to say, and where do I begin?

I will begin with Sam and his talking, since that's where things left off.
The kid talks. He may still be behind his peers, but he talks. Since last post, the assessment team suggested Sam get speech therapy twice a week. We did one session with the speech therapist and she said that she was surprised they recommended so much therapy. Schedules got busy, almost every day Sam would learn a new word, so we quit therapy. This past weekend we went to visit family in Ohio, and that really encouraged Sam to speak more -- all the new people to communicate with, one of them a very talkative 2 1/2 year old. So now Sam just keeps saying more and more words and putting two and three word combinations together. Sometimes I don't understand him, but he sure is trying. He likes to say "Meg Home" and "Big Building" and "Big Car" and "Pink Ball", the other day he started saying "run" and this morning he said "keys" for the first time. He still does a lot of signing too.

Other than that, the big news is we're in the middle of buying a house!! I still have some jitters and anxiety about this commitment. After owning a home in Michigan for only a short time, Aaron and I were pretty convinced that if we were to buy a house again, it was going to be IT. THE home. I don't know that this is IT. We're not so married to West Lafayette. But we are here. And we like a lot of things about being here. The cost of living is so low and I like my job. But mostly this incredible deal turned up for a cute little bungalow in a neighborhood we like. With parks nearby and good schools for Sam and we can still walk to campus. So, we went for it. We are well on our way and scheduled to close June 30! We have recently submitted our inspection addendum with the fixes we hope they will make, and now we're waiting to hear back from the seller. I hope it all works out ok.

I am still working at the gallery and I'll be teaching a class at Purdue starting mid-month. It ends the beginning of August.

I guess that's a superficial update about what's up with us. Now I'm going to see if I can lie down for a few before Sam wakes from his nap, which could be any minute...

Assessment

2010-04-14T12:47:00.004-04:00

Sam was assessed today!

So between filing the initial paperwork and having the assessment Sam learned: yes (nodding only, though he did say it once), no, ing-ing (for Ingrid in AZ), deedee (for kitty), boat, bone (pointed to a dog bone in an illustration in one of his books and said "bone"), plane, mo (more) ... maybe there are even more words. If I were to be making the decision today about whether to make the request for the assessment, I'm not sure I would. I know he is still technically behind in his speaking, but at the rate he's picking things up, I'm less worried now than I was a month or so ago.

Anyway, we followed through with the assessment. Two women came out -- I can't remember if one specialized in one thing and the other another. At first they seemed cold. They pulled up in separate cars and were each on their cell phones. I warned them about the dogs, we started to go inside and of course the dogs were barking. I asked them if they wanted/were able to do the assessment outside and they said yes, so that's what we did. Much nicer!!

They were impressed with how bright Sam was and he seemed to be able to do all the tasks they were looking for. He played nicely with them and was very quick to pick up new games. In the end, both women were really quite friendly. I asked what would happen next. They will submit the paperwork and the intake person I spoke with before will get back in touch with me. There is a speech delay, and they believe he will most likely qualify for therapy. But they also indicated that that doesn't mean I have to do it. They couldn't tell for sure if he wasn't speaking because he COULDN'T or because he didn't WANT to. Most likely it's just that he doesn't want to/doesn't have to. Usually if there is a muscle problem or physical problem keeping him from speaking, we would see problems in eating (and we certainly don't have that!). They didn't see any other sign that there was anything wrong -- just that he isn't talking at the rate that most kids are at his age.

So annoying that I really don't have any more information yet. It is not likely that there is a problem with his development, but he's not talking. We could do speech therapy. We don't have to. We could wait another three months and see. I should probably try to encourage him to speak more. And I should probably get him socializing with other kids more. Ugh. So far I haven't been able to get myself to do the play group thing. Guess I should try more!

Sam Stuff

2010-04-05T12:45:00.004-04:00

There have been a lot of things I've felt like making notes about, but haven't gotten around to. So this post will be a random selection of stories and observations...

Sam and fast food
So the other night I didn't feel like cooking and Aaron and I were running around doing other things so we decided to pick up dinner. We decided to go to Dog 'n' Suds -- a drive-in sort of serve-you-in-the car hot dog and root beer stand. But the weather was a little chilly and we weren't really wanting to sit in the car so we couldn't decide whether to follow through with the plan. Aaron and I are going back and forth about this in the front seats, and Sam is quietly listening in the back. At one point Aaron and I decided not to get the food -- Sam started crying. I looked back and he was rubbing his tummy, signing hungry. He completely was following our conversation! So then we decided to go ahead and get food and soon as we pulled up to order, Sam started giggling and clapping. Ok, so this is not like unusual or anything, but it is funny and it still amazes me that my little baby has transformed into a kid who wants hot dogs and burgers.

Sam and late nights
Sam has gotten into a bad sleep schedule. I can't remember how it started, but one night last week Sam wanted to stay up and watch movies, eat popcorn, and cuddle on the couch. Aaron was gone and it sounded like the perfect evening activity. So I let him. He's been going to bed at 10 every night now. Negligent mom! All because I want to sit and watch movies and eat popcorn with him... Well last night we got him to bed at 9:30 so we'll ease back to a better bed time.

Sam and sleeping
However, Sam is now SLEEPING THROUGH THE NIGHT!! MOST nights!! He goes down, and doesn't wake until sometime between 6 and 8 in the morning. What the heck?? Where did this come from?? Not that I'm complaining. But the first few nights I would wake up all nervous and confused because Sam hadn't woken and/or wasn't in our bed. the past couple nights it is very warm at bedtime and then gets very chilly during the night. He half wakes all cold, with his blankets off him, curled into a little ball. We hear his cry and go get him and bring him into our warm bed. Any ideas to deal with the warm going to bed and cold waking up? I don't want to put more pjs on him because he'd be too hot going to sleep, but he always ends up kicking the blanket off. Hmm. Poor little guy.
Anyway I feel like this whole sleeping thing makes me think that no matter what you try to do, your kid will do what he's ready to do when he's ready to do it.

Sam and Harry Potter
So, um, Sam loves Harry Potter. And since his mom is a Harry Potter fan too, she's sorta proud and sorta embarrassed. Sam loves to play being a wizard -- picking up any stick or pen and pretending it's a wand, stunning you. So fun. So cute. I mean, my kid is playing pretend! What fun! But I also feel a little mother guilt or something 'cause maybe it's not good to let your toddler watch scary movies like Harry Potter. And he loves the scary parts too -- like the big spiders and stuff. Sam even reenacts scenes from the movie and has signs to request certain parts.

Sam and socializing
We still go to the library, but Sam is very shy these days. He will say hi to other kids, and loves to watch kids, but he stays pretty close to mom. He is learning new words but still hesitant for talking, though he does a lot more "pretend" talking now, sounding like he's talking in sentences of gibberish. He even has "conversations" on the phone now! Which consist of a good hello and good bye and some mixture of words and sign language in the middle.

And now, for some reason, he's not going down to his nap. This is all a result of our weird sleep schedule, I think. So I guess I should check on him. But that's what's new with us. Spring and playing. Work is still going ok though I've had some rough moments. I still want to buy a house, but we're nearly convinced we should wait. I mean, we are convinced...but I still look at what's on the market...hmmm

ARIZONA!!

2010-03-19T14:46:00.004-04:00

I am at the Phoenix airport. We got here entirely too early and Sam and Aaron are off burning off some energy while I take advantage of the free wifi. Hopefully I won't use up too much battery power so we can watch movies on the plane if need be.

Sam did a great job on the flight out. I was so impressed! But aren't I always impressed with that kiddo. We have a stop in Salt Lake City each way, and Sam got pretty antsy towards the end of that first flight (Indy to Salt Lake), but he slept for pretty much the entire second flight (even though it was short).

So, all in all, traveling with a toddler is way more doable than I first anticipated. I hope I'm not jinxing our return trip!! We had only a few minor melt downs since we all but skipped nap time and attempted to keep him on nature trails instead of running off and, you know, falling into the Grand Canyon or something. We saw real sun and felt real warmth and saw cactus and a lizard. But most importantly we had a great time with our good friends Ingrid and Tain. Plus they have two kitties that Sam fell deeply in love with. So much so that Sam says "wow wow" for "meow" when he wants to see the kitties, and even says "litties!" to ask for cats! The cats of course were scared of him and Sam was so disappointed that they were playing "hard to get". He also really took to Ingrid and Tain and even started to say Ingrid's name (Ingy!).

The landscape here is beautiful and it was definitely great to get away from Indiana.

Now for some pics!!

I called.

2010-03-09T20:41:00.004-05:00

So I called the doctor and got the referral to First Steps, the state-sponsored early intervention program that is there to assist children with developmental delays. Yikes.

Why does it feel so creepy? It feels all government invasiony. Like they are saying "You can't take care of your children. You can't raise them right. You messed up. The government is stepping in."
I realize that's a stupid way to look at it.

I called because all of the literature I read says don't ignore this. I called because I think he's fine, but WHAT IF there is something going on and I completely ignored the signs.

I'm taking this personally. Completely and totally personally. And I'm probably overreacting. I mean, I am overreacting. Sigh.

It's especially weird because they want to come into your HOME. They want to see your kid in his normal environment. This makes total sense. He is different at home than he is out and about. But when they are assessing and they are in your home, are they assessing your home? Are they assessing the two big dogs that bark and jump when someone comes to the door? Are they assessing the size of our home? Are they assessing the cleanliness? Are they assessing the books we have for him? The toys? The food we have visible on kitchen shelves and counters? The answer is YES. Of course they are!! Not always intentionally, but that context undoubtedly affects perception of the experience.

Bah.
I'm just having a weird day and this makes me feel even weirder.

I compiled another list of Sam's words. But I think he took it into his room and he's sleeping now. Maybe I'll start another one here...

Words Sam says with his voice:
Mom
Clyde
Daddy
Go (variations: Gotta Go and Go Dog Go)
Ball
Balloo (for Balloon)
Bee (for Baby)
Bambow (rainbow -- used seldomly)
Hello
Bye
Lady
Pinch
Cake

Sounds that mean things but aren't necessarily classified as normal words:
Uh-Oh
Who-Who (to listen to the who)
Panting to refer to dog (also considered sign)
Ba-ba-ba (to listen to Barbara Ann)
Boom Boom! (The Wonderful Sounds Mr. Brown Can Do)
Lalalala (singing the song in the Disney Little Golden Book version of the Three Little Pigs)

Words Sam signs:
Waves Hello/Goodbye
Milk
Orange
Bread
Banana
Apple
Cake
Cookie
Cheese
Water/Thirsty (does the water sign when he's thirsty)
Hungry
Sleep
Bath
Bubbles
Shoes
Fort (he made that one up)
Aunt Meg (he based that off of something Juan did)
Dog (panting)
Ball
Baby
Help
Book
Brush Teeth
Wash Hands
Put that down/Stop what you are doing/Throw that away (he made this up)
Tickle
Rain (dipple dipple dop/wonderful sounds mr. brown can do)
Hug
Diaper
Monster

I just keep thinking -- did I do something wrong? AM I DOING something wrong? Do I not talk to him enough? Do I not make sounds with him enough?

And then I keep thinking -- ok, early intervention is important. I should not ignore any signs that could potentially indicate there is a developmental delay. But really -- I am constantly hearing about little boys who didn't talk until they were two or even three. We all have our own timelines. Am I trying to force my son into some conventional notion of what a child *should* be doing? A child who is obviously thriving and developing at what appears to me to be a phenomenal rate? A child who is learning new things everyday, and capable of so much? After all my getting over watching milestones, I am now unable to avoid them.

In other news, I am clearly trying to figure out what my next project is. I am settling into my job. I have some time on my hands. I feel totally over doing art. I feel pretty confident that teaching is not for me (though I think I will be teaching a class this summer). What's next?

I really want to buy a house and play house. I want to settle in and make a space for myself. Of course, the quickly expiring $8000 tax credit is a bit of an incentive. But we don't have any money. And we don't really want to settle here. Do we? No, we don't. But I have a job I like. And we were already living here for five years (!!) what if we end up living here for another five?

Oh me. Oh my.

Well, at least the sun has started to come out. That makes a world of difference to the spirit. Sunshine, lollipops, rainbows, and whatever. Err. Bambows, I mean.

Bloggin

2010-03-07T21:53:00.002-05:00

Here is a blog entry.

Let's see. Not much to say. This week I did some socializing with friends which I must say is a rare occasion for me as of late. Super fun! I got caught up in dreaming of buying a house after learning about the $8000 tax credit, but alas we are not in any position to commit to such a thing (and who knows if we could really afford it anyway). The weather has improved a ton and I've been able to take Sam out to play. That last thing is HUGE. We get so tired of being cooped up all day.

Work is good. It has settled down but then as soon as I think I've got the rhythm, it seems there are all sorts of things I underestimated or missed or didn't know about and I end up feeling a little swamped. But at least it keeps me active. I'm like almost certain that I don't want to be a professor, by the way, though I will be teaching another course over the summer (well it seems I will be, you never know what happens at the last minute).

Sam is doing great. Having fun. Talking more, but not a lot. I'm gonna have to call the doctor this week just to ease my mind. If she gives us the referral then fine, I just don't want to feel like I intentionally didn't pursue this for some reason.

Cooking and grocery shopping has been a success. I am embarking on week two of planned meals and organized grocery trips. We are spending less and eating better. Though I guess it has been more work.

We go to Arizona a week from tomorrow! Exciting!

This blog is rather dull these days. No insightful comments, and total lack of photos. I'll try to improve in one of those categories.

Til then... this is what you get. Ha ha. Enjoy.

updates and such

2010-03-01T20:46:00.005-05:00

I am settling into my semester. I have actual down time now. So nice. I have been reading novels. How cool is that -- I have *some* time to read novels. Well I probably should be doing chores or something productive, but reading is good. Anyway, I haven't grabbed many good ones from the library, so recommendations are welcome!

So what's new in our world?
Not a whole lot...

Vacation
Going to Arizona in two weeks to visit Tain and Ingrid!! So excited for that. This will be Sam's first time on a plane, so suggestions on how to take a toddler on a plane (we did not get him his own seat), are welcome. I'm not too worried. I know there is a good chance I'll get stressed out, and that Sam will feel weird and cry and feel antsy and annoy people. But Sam likes new environments and usually his first take on a new experience is to be rather reserved and quiet, so here's hoping.

Sleep
Sam remains as fun as ever. He is growing into a little boy. So fun to see. His sleep has improved incredibly over the past month. Last week there was a night where he slept 10 hours in his crib. 10 hours!! This is not yet the regular, but it does show that it's coming. Our routines have been fluctuating a bit though. Sometimes he does one big nap in the afternoon. Lately he stays up too late, has a morning nap, and a late afternoon nap, which is a little weird. But then we've had the good night sleep so maybe it's the preferable schedule. Today was like that, with the shorter early nap, but then we missed the second nap so he got to bed "early" which really was like normal bed time (8:30). We'll see how long he sleeps. There are too many factors to be able to really tell what makes some nights good sleep nights and other nights not. But even now when he wakes (without going back to sleep on his own) we bring him to our bed and he goes right to sleep. If he wakes while sleeping with us, he usually tosses and turns for a moment then gets right back to sleep. So this means after 20 months, I'm getting fairly normal sleep again! I would say Aaron is too, but he's in grad school, so he takes sleeping time as work time.

Job
I'm really liking my job. It was weird to not think about it or go work over the weekend. But that's good. I need to get used to that. It means that my job won't be so demanding now, which is great. And I think I've really been able to keep my work *pretty much* to 20 hrs/wk, not too much more. Now that I'm settling in maybe I'll get a chance to improve some overall procedure things. That would be great.

Food
I have been so uninterested in food lately. I think we eat cereal and pizza, some soup, some pasta. And that's like it. I've been trying to go vegetarian again, and I'm far too lazy (overworked?? ...excuses excuses) to prepare healthy filling vegetarian fare, so we end up with grains grains and more grains. And processed ones too. And cheese. Too much cheese. Or we just go out. Which is happening too frequently. And I go to the grocery store like three times a week because when I go I'm just going to get whatever necessity we ran out of and I'm not planning ahead. Of course I also just to get Sam and I out of the house, since most days are still too cold to play outside. But that's a different topic...SO I made a schedule. A Monday night is soup-night kind of schedule. A little silly. We'll see if it works, but so far so good. I was able to keep my groceries $20 less than my allotted budget and I think I have plenty of food for the week. I'm also going to try to start documenting my meals on my blog in attempt to get somewhat interested in cooking and eating food. That's not really fair, 'cause I always like eating food, and sometimes I like cooking it, but this winter has zapped a lot of enthusiasm for everything.

Anyway, tonight, being Monday, was soup night. And I made french onion soup for the first time ever. It was ok. Chopping all those onions was not my favorite. I did a recipe where you have to cook the onions in the oven first, then move to the stove, and I don't have a dutch oven. So I cooked them in some corningware and then transferred them to a hot pot on the stove. But my pot was too hot. When I poured the onions in I filled the room with smoke. I had to open the doors and take the pot out to the porch too cool and air out so that I wouldnt' set off the fire alarm. When it had calmed down and I brought it back into the kitchen, Sam delivered a very well-timed "uh-oh". He's so funny. So then after tasting the soup I thought it was really lackluster. But after getting it back into the oven with some cheese (parmesan since I didn't have guyere) and croutons, it turned out pretty darn good. I did add some more butter though. Because it needed that richness. Anyway, here are some pics.

Cute Sam
Today was library day. So fun. Sam is the star. Or the class clown. Or something. But I am looking at it through a mother's eyes, so you never can tell the truth. But he stands front and center and responds to the "teacher" and makes sounds and laughs and claps and shrieks and all the parents laugh at his cuteness. And he's getting so much more comfortable with other kids. He hands them toys and pats their back and waves hello. He did tease one little girl by offering a toy and then refusing to actually give it to her. He does this with dog treats for the dogs every once in a while too. Not sure what he's thinking. Most times he just gives it to them. He also showed his super sensitive side -- when a little girl was crying he was very worried and concerned. Sam when a boy he knew tripped and fell kind of hard; the boy didn't cry but Sam was definitely concerned. And when that boy would stray from his mama, he would see him across the room, look to his mom and then point at the boy. He didn't want her to lose him, I guess. Haha.

Another cute thing I don't think I've ever written about -- Sam tells stories. Maybe I did mention this the first time he did it. If he falls, or trips, or bangs something, he always tells us what happened. he says "ooowww" and scrunches up his face, touching the part that hurts. When we come over and ask if he's ok/what happened, he points to the bumped spot and then to whatever hit him, or reenacts it depending on the event. It's cute and funny.

Ok, that's enough posting about how I think my son is cute.

*sorry for the lack of photos. I tried to upload them but comcast is being awful. stupid comcast.

Don't Get Too Comfy

2010-02-22T21:34:00.005-05:00

Things have been good with Sam. Really good. He can do so many things. Like jump. He can jump!! Like lift both feet off the ground jump! But not very high of course. We went to the library read group today and he had so much fun. He was front and center for so much of it. A huge shift from the first visit, where he was very timid and reserved -- and this is only our third time. He likes the teacher and wants to see all the books, play with all the sound makers. He wants to tell her when to change the music or turn the music on or put things away. He is nice with other kids. Sometimes he tries to take other kids' toys of course, but he also likes to give toys to the kids. It's so fun to watch him in the group. Oh, and one of the books today had lots of animals and noises and Sam made all the noises! He rarely will make a cat noise for us, but in group -- it comes out with ease! I think he has a whole bag of tricks that he chooses not to bring out for Mom and Dad.

And he sleeps! Multiple times a week he sleeps for like 6 or more hours in his own bed!! Of course, the other nights he may only sleep like four hours in his crib. But not too long ago he was waking after just one hour. We haven't done things differently. He's just getting older. I think pain from teeth may have been a factor too.

We have very few tantrums and meltdowns. Usually we can expect them when they occur and are prepared to subside them with shifting attention.

Today, I was really thinking about all this, and commenting on it. That he sleeps now. I could feel comfortable going out at night with a friend, or going over to Meg's to watch a movie...stuff like that. Stuff I didn't always feel comfortable doing because I didn't know how hard it would be to get Sam to sleep, and I didn't want to burden Aaron with all of it. Now we have our night time routine which is simply pajamas and story time, and we put him to bed awake in his crib and he goes to sleep. And tonight after bath time we were having a good time playing and getting dry, lotioned, and dressed and I was thinking about how so much of our time together is just fun time now. And then BOOM. Total melt down. He was tired. It was just a run-of-the-mill tantrum really, about a wall decal sticker that he just wanted to keep moving and placing and moving again (I had to say that we'd moved the sticker enough and it was going to stay right there, and he was not pleased). But it just goes to show me, I should never tempt the fates.

He also cried going to sleep. I was prepared to let him cry for a bit, then go get him and cuddle while watching a cartoon or something, but he went right to sleep after just a few tired tears.

He's growing up so fast!

(Oh, and you can tell I'm settling into my new routine and have actual DOWN TIME hence the increase in blog entries. Yipee)

Sam: problem solver

2010-02-20T21:01:00.002-05:00

Thank you Stephanie for the super cute, incredibly well-made hat!!

Now, could I please have more cookie? (that is what Sam is signing here)

Things are very fun in Sam land. Still efforts to talk, but not a lot, and it is still sporadic. I have been feeling less concerned though.

I'm so impressed with his thought process, logic, and problem-solving ability. He just amazes me. A story...

Sam loves ladybugs. We get a lot of them in our house, so that's extra cool, for Sam anyway. So he and his dad found one in the bathroom yesterday. Aaron ended up getting the lady bug to crawl onto this rubber duck bath traction thing we have for the bathtub, and then the bug crawled from that to Sam's hand. With the ladybug on his hand, Sam ran to the kitchen to show me. But, on his way, the bug fell onto the floor. Sam and his dad were having trouble convincing the lady bug to crawl onto their fingers. While Aaron was trying to pick up the little bug, Sam ran off with a determined air about him. He came back with the duck bath thing!

THEN

After they got the bug again and it was crawling on Sam's arms and he was giggling, the lady bug flew up to the ceiling. Sam really wanted it back and kept trying to jump up to get it. We told him that the bug was ok up there. But he was determined. He got a yard stick and held it up towards the ceiling, hoping that he could reach the bug and convince it to crawl onto the stick.

I dunno. Seems pretty cool that a 19 month old can problem solve like that. He's amazing.

Library Fun

2010-02-15T11:58:00.002-05:00

We went to the library lap-sit for the second time! Sam remembered right away about the sleeping puppy puppet, hidden under the blanket in the basket. And he ran right over and tried to bring him out right away. He was much more outgoing this time and had a really good time. Some highlights included him lying on his back in the middle of the mat after everyone had cleaned up the toys. He's a goofball. I'm glad we've started going to these. He did throw some blocks, but also shared instruments. He's a nice guy.

Feeling Better

2010-02-13T14:05:00.002-05:00

So today at the store Sam pointed at a ball and shouted "Bow!" for ball, instead of signing! And then he heard a baby cry and said "bee!" So I think our efforts to encourage him to use his voice to communicate are working! And he really has said these things before, it's just very sporadically. So we're trying to make a big deal when he does, trying to encourage him to talk more.

He really is such a bright boy, I don't *really* think there's a learning disability here. I might still contact the doc to get the referral to the speech therapist for more info, but we'll see how the next few weeks play out.

Also, I forgot to say in the last post, when he drops doing signs, it's because he finds a better way to get what he wants. He stopped signing help because now he just pushes and pulls us to where he wants to go.

Other fun things I want to mention so that I can keep the memories...

He loves playing hide and seek. He covers his eyes (learned this from his grandma) and we count to ten and then go find Meg or Dad or Mom -- whoever is hiding. He loves looking for things. If you find a really good hiding spot, he'll make you hide there again and pretend to look for you FOREVER. It gets a little tiresome, but it's super cute. He will hide too, but it's harder to play a real game of hide and seek that way.

He gives super good hugs, even without being asked. And kisses too.

We got him one of those kids guitars at the store today. He's taking a nap. Can't wait to see him play it when he wakes up.

19 months old

2010-02-11T21:41:00.005-05:00

Sam is now 19 months old. Whenever I stop to acknowledge his age, I'm struck with how fast the time moves.

Sam is a toddler. A full-blown toddler. He runs, he jumps (maybe an inch off the floor), he throws, he sometimes catches, he climbs on furniture, he draws, he is demanding and particular and throws tantrums when he doesn't get what he wants. Tonight he begged to play guitar. He wants to play the real acoustic guitar, not play things that he used to accept as guitars. And he doesn't want me to hold it. Or even prop it up. He wants to hold it like the real guitar players do. And he likes to use a pick. And He won't even let me prop it up or adjust it. He pushes my hands away if I brace it for him. And he cries if he can't hold it right or if it slips down and isn't upright enough. And he was devastated when we (mom & dad) decided that was enough guitar and had to put it away. Maybe we will just have to get him one of those little kid guitars after all. Or a ukulele. Rockin' the ukulele.

So I'm officially in worry mode about the talking stuff. I don't necessarily think I probably should be, but I am. I started doing some Internet searching about it (always foolish) and Sam is probably totally fine, but...what if he isn't? See, I just don't know that much about speech development. We (those who are around Sam a lot) have been trying to convince him to talk more. The thing is, he really hasn't had to learn to talk. He signs up a storm and communicates so well without it that there hasn't been much incentive. So we are now trying to get him to say things before we give them to him -- stuff like that. We are having moderate success. Not a ton. He sometimes says ball, kinda like bow (like bow-wow). And I think he tried to say banana. Let me see if I can make a list of the "words" Sam uses (this will be redundant) ... he has sounds to signify Mom, a sound/sign to signify Meg, a sound for Clyde, The Who, the song Barbara Ann, Nemo...he sort of has said inconsistently: bubbles, banana, rainbow, ball (that's fairly consistent). He still has lots of signs, though some (like "help") seem to have gone out of fashion: thirsty/water, hungry, sleep (doesn't do anymore), ball, fort (he made it up), dog, bubbles, guitar (made up), apple, cookie, more, cake, orange, play, book, throw it away/put that down (made up)...

Anecdotally, it seems Sam is fine. I feel like most parents I talk to say that their son didn't talk until he was 2 or older, and then he didn't stop! So he's probably fine, but then I read stuff like this:

13 to 18 months
Now your child is using one or more words, and he knows what they mean. He'll even practice inflection, raising his tone when asking a question, saying "Up-py?" when he wants to be carried, for example. He's realizing the importance of language as he taps into the power of communicating his needs.

19 to 24 months
Though he probably says about 50 to 70 words now, your child may understand as many as 200 words, many of which are nouns. Between 18 and 20 months, he'll learn words at the rate of 10 or more a day (so watch your language!). He'll even string two words together, making basic sentences such as "Carry me."

By the time he's 2, your child will use three-word sentences and sing simple tunes. His sense of self will mature, and he'll start talking about what he likes and doesn't like, what he thinks and feels. Pronouns may confuse him, which is why he might say "Baby throw" instead of "I throw."

And Sam doesn't really match these descriptions. But maybe he does, because of the signing. And maybe the 50-70 word count of 19-24 months is just intimidating because there is so much development in that time span.

Bah.

I just always start worrying that I'm doing something wrong. Am I not playing with him in the right way? Do I not devote enough attention to him?

So maybe I will call to get the referral to the speech therapy people. At least then I'll have some more credible information. Even if all I find out is that Sam is doing fine.

In closing, a funny Sam thing: He now is picky about what he wears! He has favorite clothes (including: pistons sweatshirt, hulk t shirt, mr. t shirt, purple monster shirt...) he will pick his favorites out of the drawer and if you suggest something else, he'll throw it down. So funny. I didn't know kids this age began to have preferences about what they wore! I guess I'll have to start letting him do the shopping...

After posting, I read this about when to be concerned:

13 to 18 months
Your child isn't saying any words by 15 months (including "mama" or "dada"), didn't babble before his first birthday, is unable to point to any body parts, or you still can't understand a word he's saying by 18 months.

19 to 24 months
Your child rarely attempts to speak or imitate others, drops consonants from words (saying "ea-ut" for "peanut," for example), doesn't seem to get frustrated when you can't understand what he wants, or only uses single words — no combinations.

And I guess he doesn't meet any of these criteria either...he knows lots and lots of body parts (hair, head, eye, nose, ear, mouth, teeth, tongue, neck, tummy, arm, hand, fingers, toes, feet, legs, bottom...) and is babbling and we understand somethings he's saying and he gets frustrated when we can't understand what he wants, but usually he can convey it through sign or body language...

hmm....

Sam socializes!

2010-02-02T17:00:00.003-05:00

So Monday Sam and I went to the "lap sit" at the public library. For those of you, like me, who did not know what a "lap sit" is, it is story time for those too young to really sit and listen to story time. The woman who leads it does a great job. She has a puppy puppet ("Rascal") who starts and ends each session. She does little activities throughout the half hour to get the kids involved and playing. It was really great.

The most fun, of course, is watching Sam with other kids. The age range was maybe 6 months to 2 or so years. There were lots of kids and mostly moms (I did spot one dad!). I sure don't know how to do this group play time stuff. I don't know when to get in there and assist Sam or when to let him figure stuff out on his own. I don't know what to do if he throws a toy -- I mean, he's just learning about that stuff, so it's not like it's always wrong to throw, you know? But what if the toy hits someone and stuff. Anyway, it was fun to watch Sam because first he started off all reserved and quiet. And I could tell if he got nervous he blushed and turned all red. He's truly his mother's child! But after an activity of marching around in a circle (one of Sam's favorite activities), the woman leading the session brought out a bunch of musical instruments. Sam's shyness faded and he ran for the maracas. Fun times! Then after that, when they were winding up the session, she brought the puppy puppet back out. Sam clapped to show his approval and ran over to get a hug from the puppet. I was so proud and laughing rather loudly. It was so neat! I will try to make this a regular event.

Also, seeing Sam in the crowds is funny. He really is a big boy.

Delayed haircut pics. Before, during, and after.

Sunday night.

2010-01-31T21:55:00.002-05:00

Sunday night. 10 o'clock. I'm feeling sleepy. I'm thinking about work. I'm thinking about shopping. I'm thinking about how I have so many more chores to do. I can't keep up with my chores. I guess it could be organization and work habits. I just don't feel like I have enough hours in the day to do anything. Or I mean everything. This feels like my theme right now. I must learn to be a more efficient worker. The funny thing is I never thought of myself as an inefficient worker. But I guess maybe I am not not efficient but neither am I efficient. I dunno. Partly it's work.

I found the catch to my great salaried part-time job with flexibility and benefits. The catch is it's really probably like a 30+ hr/wk job and they hire you and pay you for 20. They all told me going in that it was 20-30 hrs of work/wk. I figured that meant I would be able to keep it to 20. Because, well, I dunno. I just figured I could. But I can't. All the faculty and my boss say keep track of your hours, don't work too many hours, etc. And that's great. I mean that's amazing. But the thing is, I have things that have to be done. Things that if I don't do, people will notice. Things that if I don't do *I* will notice. Plus I'm slower right now since I'm still new and getting familiar with things. But it's hard. It's hard to take too much time to do things. It's hard because I know I'm not getting paid for it, but really it's hard because it means time away from my family, and it means time keeping Aaron from doing his work.

There just isn't enough time.

I scrubbed the living room floor today. This is something that needs to be done at least once a week. I'm lucky if I do it once a month. I simply cannot keep the place clean with lack of time, melting snow, muddy drive ways, dirty dog feet, and, you know, us. Dishes and laundry are hard enough to keep up with, let alone real cleaning.

My work time is Sam sleeping time, for the most part. He has now discovered the TV so he will beg to watch Nemo and that will usually give me a few minutes to do stuff. So usually once he goes to sleep I take 20-30 minutes decompression quiet self time. Which usually means email (work and fun) and some random Internet surfing. Then I decide I should get something productive done, so I work on that for maybe an hour, and then usually Sam is up again, or it might be my bed time. So that's not a lot of time for chores.

But this must be the struggles every parent feels. I suppose it will continue to get easier as he gets older. And I will settle into my job. It will not always be such a busy week. And I will become more efficient at my tasks.

Little Sam notes:
He got his first haircut!! Monumental. He looks so much more like a kid without his straggly baby locks.

He LOVES Finding Nemo. Especially the ritual scene where they sing "ha hwa he ha ho ho ho" and will try to sing along or will sing that to get me to put Nemo on the TV.

I guess, in a way, he uses his voice to communicate a variety of things. He says Mom, he says "ma" with his hand to his face (like putting a cupped hand to your mouth when shouting -- he learned this from Juan) to call for Meg. He says "ooh oooh" when he wants to watch the Who. He says "bababa" when he wants to hear the Who sing "Barbara Ann". He says an authoritative "Ga!" when calling for or yelling at Clyde. He says "bay" or "bee" when he sees a picture of a baby. He sometimes says "bambow" for rainbow. And the "ah ooh ah" for the ritual scene in Finding Nemo...

So those random snippets describe where I'm at right now. A bit scattered. Oh, and I totally have cabin fever. I want to move. I want the sun. I want to go to a beach. I want a new environment. I want to settle, but I want change.

18 months!

2010-01-27T07:28:00.004-05:00

So I'm behind the times. But what else is new?

Sam is now 18 months old, or has been for a couple weeks. He went for his 18 month checkup this week though! He measured 33 3/4 inches tall (90th percentile!) 27 lbs 8 oz (75th percentile) and 33 3/4 cms head (something in the 80s percentile). So he remains a big boy. Doc said all is good. Still worried about his lack of talking. Though he has started saying mom!! And does he really need to say anything else, I mean, come on! But she said that she does consider him to be behind developmentally because he isn't verbally talking yet. She said if he really isn't taking to talking in the next few months to call them back. She doesn't want to wait until he's 2 (next well baby appointment is at 24 months). I dunno. From all my anecdotal experience via other moms, I just am not worried at all. Sam does not seem behind to me. But I might as well call and see the specialist if she thinks it's a good idea. It can't hurt.

Sam's communication still is great. He signs so many things. Most of the time he can tell us what he wants with signing and doesn't get very frustrated. *Sometimes* he can't communicate with us and does get upset. Maybe he needs more of that to start talking? But he learns a new sign instantly for something important to him (i.e. cake from my birthday -- learned that *right* away) and continues to use his vocabulary. He also sometimes tries to say baby and ball and rainbow. Bah. He's getting there.

In other news...
We are getting into our semester. We had a lovely surprise birthday visit from Sarah, Mike, Maggie, and Stephanie!! And then Aaron's mom was visiting for a while. So now we are getting into reality again. My new job is great, I really like it, but I do have to deal with committees and politics and it is more work than 20 hrs/wk. BUT they are extremely flexible with scheduling and encourage me to limit my work to 20 hrs/wk so I'm doing what I can.

Gotta run.

Here are some more pics of the big cutie.

Blah.

2010-01-12T21:25:00.003-05:00

So I got the flu after Sam did! Luckily it lasted only 24 hrs, and only about four of them were spent hugging a bucket.

I don't even know what I feel like writing. I feel weird about blogging. I feel weird about a lot of things right now. I think it's the coming of the big day ... the big Saturday. You know. The day I turn 30. I had been wanting to turn 30 because, well, I'm a mom and I think it sounds better to be 30 if you are a mom because people think that having kids is a 30-something thing to do. Ha ha. Lame right? Well anyway, I thought I was looking forward to it. But after the last number of months I realized that I was just feeling weird about this whole aging and becoming an adult thing.

I have never really welcomed birthdays, yet neither have I dreaded them. I always find them a bit isolating (ironic, as I am a twin) and melancholy and a time for good ol' self reflection which usually means a lot of self pity and moping.

Things are good right now. I have a good job. An amazing family. Things are good. So why feel down? I wish I could just come to terms with the fact that sometimes I will just feel down. That that is an ok feeling to have. That it doesn't mean that things are awful or that I am awful or that I'm doomed. It just means I don't feel well. I should think of it like having a cold. Not a permanent state of being. Just something that will take it's course and let me realize how nice things are when I'm not under the weather. When I'm back to normal.

...

And tonight, as I suffered from insecurity, a caffeine-withdrawal headache, and fear of growing up, my baby cried out after only laying quietly in his crib for about 20 minutes. At first frustrated that I would have to go lie down with him and ease him to sleep, I went in there, and surveyed the situation, tucked him back in and left him as he cried. Irritated that I wouldn't be able to quietly muse about my inner moping, I soon realized that I enjoyed the idea of pulling him into my arms and snuggling close, losing my complaints in our shared relaxation...and as that comfort reached me, he grew silent, drifting off to sleep, a room away.

You see I will never feel at rest because I am always a step behind. Or a step ahead. Or something.

...

Here are some more recent photos of our growing boy. He does so many funny things now. He develops his own sign language -- he came up with a sign for donut. Which, you know, reveals the importance of donuts in our lives.

The Problem With Blogging (warning: long post)

2010-01-08T22:15:00.007-05:00

The problem with blogging is that when you stop, it's hard to start. Where do you begin? Do you catch everyone up on what has been happening in your life? To get too into details or insights would make such a lengthy post. And I guess I just don't know how much more interest I have in blogging. It may have to do with employment. Now that I have been working, it makes it hard to find the time to want to blog. The free time is so willingly spent elsewhere. And I suppose I see more people during my day and actually really talk to people so I don't feel as great of a need to express my thoughts. Hmm. Well, I have found reason time and time again to consult my past blog entries to realize when certain things happened, so I think, all in all, I'm happy to have this blog, even if it is just a journal to remind me of what happens in my life. I do not have a great memory, so, blogging helps. Anyway, here, again is at least one more post.

Oi. So. Let's see.

ERLEWINE CHRISTMAS
We finished the crazy term. It was fine. We went up to Michigan for an Erlewine Christmas. That was nice. Tom and Jeanette flew in from Texas, my dad came down from BR, and the Indiana crew of Aaron, me, Sam, Meg, and Juan made it up to Ann Arbor. The poor pups were in a kennel for the holiday. Here are some Christmas pics. Sam had a great time playing with his family. He warmed up to them right away and took a special liking to Jeanette, the kitties, stairs, and drums.

Sam signing "Help"

Sam telling me to take him over there.

With Uncle Tom

With his first laptop

Sam signing "hug"

pop up books!

Three little monkeys jumping on the bed...

Drums! (he liked the real drum set much more but I forgot to get pics)

NEMEC NEW YEAR
After getting back from Ann Arbor, we did a wacky drive out to Nebraska to celebrate Christmas and New Year with the Nemecs. We drove to Chicago, picked up Aaron's 91-yr-old grandma at the airport (she flew to Chicago from Cleveland to come with us), met up with Aaron's brother and family (who were driving to Nebraska from Michigan) and we caravanned (I guess that's not a word?) to Omaha. There we picked up Aaron's sister at the airport (flying in from Oregon) and drove to Mahoney State Park where Aaron's parents had rented three cabins for the whole family. We met up with the folks and the Texas Nemecs around 10 or 11 at night. I don't know when. It was late. The trip took FOREVER. I had a migraine by the time we got there. Aaron's poor grandma got car sick on the way and didn't seem to realize she was in for such a long drive (to be fair, none of us quite realized it would take so long either). But we made it there. Sam was a total trooper and fared the long journey better than any of us. The week there was great. Weather was clear (no snow) but it was very cold. We did go sledding. Made Christmas decorations, exchanged gifts. There were some additional hazards of Sam getting bit by a dog (YIKES!! but he is fine and not scared of dogs, though maybe his mom is now...) and a dog pooped in our cabin. Yipee. By around 10 o'clock New Years Eve Sam had had enough and was too exhausted to bring in the new year and the dog that bit Sam was tired of being locked in a room, so Sam and I went back to our cabin for an early night. Sam went right to sleep and I brought in the new year in bed with Sam, reading Harry Potter. At the time it felt a little weird and sad, in retrospect it seems sort of sweet and lovely.

The coolest thing about the time in Nebraska was watching Sam with his cousins. He completely was in awe of his cousins Trent (9) and Diego (5). The three boys (youngest in their families) palled around the whole time. It was great how well the older boys played with Sam.

The trip back home was much easier. Everything was a little smoother and we only drove as far as Chicago so we could get to an airport hotel to make sure Aaron's grandma got her flight in time. The hotel was nice. Aaron escorted his grandma to her flight, came back to the hotel to meet Sam and I. We had breakfast, hit Ikea, and made our way home. Ahh home. It feels so nice.

WORK
We had a couple of quiet days at home and then I began my new job. I am free of all previous posts and have accepted one single 20 hr/wk job that comes complete with benefits, vacation, and a month off in the summer. They are even letting me organize my schedule around Aaron's teaching schedule, so again, Sam gets to remain home in the care of his family. I am coordinating a gallery and so far I absolutely love it. I feel so blessed.

and in other news...
SAM WAS SICK!! For the first time EVER Sam was really sick!! Oh he'd had a runny nose or two but we realized that can accompany teething, and he never had any other symptoms. But last night, he was vomiting. He threw up all night!! Poor kiddo! It was so sad and scary. But he stopped, and he has been keeping food and drink down today. He had a little fever this morning and slept a lot. By this evening he seemed to be completely normal Sam, wanting to run around and play. Eek. It's hard when your kids get sick!!

SAM IS WEANED!! I know I said this before but it's 100% official. I thought it would mean one rough week but really he had given it up after two nights! (I forgot to mention in previous blogs that we had been down to nighttime nursing only for quite a while, so we just needed to cut that part out.) Sam's sleep has greatly improved. But he still sleeps most of the night in bed with us. He is growing so fast that space gets tight, but he is so cuddly we are still happy to share this time with him.

SAM TRIES TALKING!! Though I haven't actually been worried about this, (as you can tell from my blog posts) it remains on my mind. I wouldn't say he's "talking" yet, but he definitely says "h'loo" for hello when he is pretending to talk on the phone. He doesn't use it all the time, just sometimes, and it's really cute. He, of course, has been saying "bye" for a long time but somehow I never really counted that. He also has tried to say "ball" and looks at pictures of babies and points and says "bay" but doesn't always get to the "bee". But he understands and communicates so much that even if he's 2 before he talks, I'm not too worried.

OTHER SAM STUFF: His hair is getting long. Two ladies (independently) referred to him as "she". We still figure we'll wait a while to cut those precious blonde locks.

There are so many cute funny things he does these days. Hopefully I'll have time soon to tell you more about them.

In other news, welcome baby Laila! So glad you are here!

2009-12-15T14:30:00.002-05:00

So much to write! It's been so long! But I don't really feel like it. Sorry. I am now a bad blogger.

Things are good. Semester is ending. I've actually had time to sit on my couch and read! So nice!

Sam updates: He's big. He's 17 months old. He's silly. Sam's favorite things: balls, butterflies, ladybugs, dogs, cookies, and the Who. His favorite foods are mandarin oranges and sugary things. He's a good eater though, will happily eat carrots, asparagus, broccoli, and peas. He isn't yet talking, but will say "baba" to get us to put on the scene from the Who documentary where they cover "Barbara Ann". He does say "bye" of course. But he signs a lot. He signs: Sleep, water, orange, apple, cheese, cookie, ball, play, shoes, dog, book...I think there are many more I'm not thinking of. He is a happy guy. We are getting back to a good sleep schedule. He seems to pretty much have moved to one long nap a day (2-3 hours) but it varies. AND we are weaned! Or weaning anyway! Sleep at night is much better. He starts in his crib for a few hours. Then wakes because it was a normal feeding time. Sometimes he has a snack, usually we just cuddle him and he's back to sleep. The first or second night we cut out breastfeeding he slept for like six hours straight! Which is incredible for us. So it's going ok. He still asks sometimes, but it has only been like four days so it's not like he's forgotten about it yet. All in all, good news!

So things are fun in toddler land. Next semester I will get to spend much more time with the kiddo and I feel great about that.

Well as he naps I'm going to do some more reading. I'll try to post more frequently, but no promises.

Thanksgiving Part One!

2009-11-24T20:03:00.005-05:00

Tomorrow we embark on the toddler road trip. At least Meg & Juan will be coming along and can help entertain the kiddo. I'm pretty sure the days of a sleep-filled road trip are gone. We are off to Big Rapids to see the Erlewine family for Thanksgiving. Thursday we will take a quick trip over to Zeeland to see part of the Nemec clan too. So there will be lots of car time, but it will be ok.

Last year at this time Sam tried a tiny taste of pumpkin pie, but I was far too conservative to let him have more. I think he's very much going to enjoy this holiday focused on food. Let's just hope he doesn't go too crazy from lack of running around time. And let's hope he sleeps.

The semester is rapidly winding to a close. Which is great. I quit my beloved library job. I really have grown to like that job a lot. Great people, great environment, I like the work. But when it comes down to it, I am excited for the gallery job and the pay and benefits are too much to turn down. I could keep the library job and do both, but really then I'm choosing the job over Sam time and I'm sure not wanting to do that. Well, at the very least, I think that if this art stuff doesn't work out, I might want a job in public libraries. I will work my last day in December. My next job begins in early January.

Sam is doing well. The major teething pain seems to have subsided, so that's nice. He is sleeping better the past couple of nights. He still sleeps well in his crib for naptime, but come bed time he wants to be in mom and dad's bed, and often wants to be with mom or dad. Right now he's sleeping on the couch beside me. I am loving every moment I have him near so it's hard to complain.

Some cute Sam things:
He likes to "swim" in the tub now, lying on his tummy and kicking his legs. If I say "Sam, want to swim?" he'll turn over and start swimming.
If I say "Sam, go give Dad a hug" he will run to his dad and hug his legs.
Today we were speaking through the baby monitor to his dad and I was whispering and I whispered "Sam, come tell dad secrets" and he put his lips up to the monitor and whispered "oodleoodleoo"
He plays air guitar now.
He likes to cuddle a lot more now.
He will actually watch TV for a bit, not that we should be encouraging it.
He still prefers it if Meg is the one to chase him around with his pull toys.

Hello Blogosphere!

2009-11-18T20:40:00.002-05:00

So it's been ages upon ages. I feel like I'm finally getting myself back. One of my classes is wrapping up, the other won't be long behind. Next week is Thanksgiving and I virtually have the week off. On one level, I'm feeling good and able to relax, on the other I have this terrible feeling of impending doom. Like it can't be right that I managed to pull off this crazy semester in one piece, so there must be something that I've completely overlooked, or completely screwed up or something. I'm just waiting for someone to basically come up to me and say you suck. Hopefully that won't happen.

In the land of the boy, things are going well. I don't get to see him enough. I miss him. We are off rhythm a lot of times because of it.

SLEEP
His sleep is all messed up again. We've been napping with him a lot since we are both severely lacking night time sleep, so he's getting used to sleeping just with us and doesn't like to sleep alone or in his crib. Plus he is doing some MAJOR teething right now. His first molars are pushing through, along with a few others, and it's so clearly bothering him more than previous teething. He even has taken to biting his hand. Poor little guy. And this definitely leads to restless sleep. In other sleep-related concerns: I can't figure out how to wean him. We are all in such desperate need for sleep that I will just nurse him so that we can get some sleep and plus, if he's really teething so much then it's not really the time to stop. But it seems it's never an easy time to stop but I'm ready to be done and it's becoming increasingly clear that he nurses for comfort and not food. Not to say that nursing for comfort isn't important, but I think he's old enough and I'm ready and we should just make it happen. Current thinking is for Aaron and I to finish the term, accept a sleepless week and just go cold turkey. Maybe I'll have to sleep in another room. I don't know. Suggestions? He's crying for me right now, but rather passively. I know I will soon give in and go get him. Because, well I'm his mom and I don't want him to suffer.

TALK
He doesn't talk yet. He pretty much said cockadoodledoo a few times the other day, and since then likes saying "oodle" or "doodle". He says "baba" for mabel and "ga" for clyde, so maybe he's been talking and I just am too particular. He seems to sometimes say mommom for me when he's stressed out and really wants attention he's not getting or something he can't have. Mostly though, he's signs signs signs. He has about a dozen or so words he signs, but his new favorite is "help" because it is so versatile. He will often want to do something not ok for a toddler to do, like, I dunno, grab that pair of scissors or whatever, and when he can't do it, he turns to me and asks for help. It is so cute and funny and a little bit sad because he of course doesn't understand why I won't help him. It was very sad though, the other night he was napping beside us on the couch and he grew restless and uncomfortable and started crying and was still half asleep and signed for help in his sleep. So sad. I do not know if it was a bad dream, or just wanting help from uncomfortable teething pain or what.

Well I think I'll wrap this up and go get the little cutie. He is so beautiful and funny and fun and we play all sorts of games and laugh and he loves to be chased. These are fun days that go too fast and I hate that I'm not around him more to watch it all.

Quickly.

2009-11-02T20:25:00.002-05:00

mmm french fries. (he didn't really like the chicken nuggets)

So I'm super tired. I'm overworked, behind on deadlines, too much going on. Completely and totally back on coffee. Cannot wait for the semester to end.
But things are good.
Sam had a Halloween. Two hours before we went to a local Halloween party for kids, I threw together his costume: SAMZILLA!! Next year when he can actually trick or treat I promise to devote some real time to making him an awesome costume.
AND
We bought a new car! Well, new to us. A pre-owned Pontiac Vibe. I actually love it and it is the first time I actually feel like driving.
AND
A quick look at Sam's world:
He loves playing with magnets right now. He loves drumming. He loves playing fake guitar. These he loves doing while watching The Who documentary the Kids are Alright. He LOVES watching this documentary. He loves playing with cell phones. Loves playing outside. Loves to eat lentils. And veggie burgers. Cheese is still probably his favorite. Still isn't talking, but still signs. He is really getting the hang of running. He's really funny. He is very into the dogs right now. Loves to hug Mabel, and tries to call her to come to him. Tries to get close to Clyde, but Clyde's not interested. It's all very cute.

Good day, sunshine

2009-10-20T21:00:00.002-04:00

It has been a lovely autumn day! So needed after a week of very chilly temperatures. Meg and Sam and I got to hang out and play in the grass, and it was just what I needed!

Thanks so much for your congratulations. I'm really excited about the new job. I won't begin until January, since I need to wait for my contracts to end first. I will probably go ahead and quit the one job I have the liberty of quitting, though I'm not looking forward to that. But really, the new job is about the same pay (maybe more) than what I'm getting from the three part time ones, and what my family needs more from me is time, not the little bit of money the job brings in.

I am still feeling swamped, and like I'm constantly trying to catch up. My work in all FOUR jobs (including that important job of being a mom) is suffering, and it is hard to feel proud of anything when I feel like I'm just doing the bare minimum to get by. But, I got myself into this situation, and it's temporary, so I will persevere, even if my lectures are a little sloppy and I have to ask for more help watching Sam. I wish that every mom (and dad) could stay home with their children as much as they want to. I mean, I know I'm happier having some work outside of the home (rather than none) but 10-20 hrs would suffice ;-)

Well, I guess I better get back to work.

Got it!

2009-10-18T20:06:00.001-04:00

So Friday I called about the gallery job and they are officially offering me the position! It's an 11 month appointment (I think July is off) and 20 hrs/wk with salary and full benefits. Hours are flexible. Can even do *some* work from home. WOW!! Perfect mom job!

15 month musings

2009-10-15T10:35:00.003-04:00

Back from Sam's 15 month doctor appointment!

I canceled my class today because my regular baby sitter AND backup baby sitter were not available. Meg was out of town and my friend's daughter caught a stomach flu (or maybe it was something she ate) so it didn't sound like a good idea to bring Sam over there. So -- day off. I feel weird canceling class but I guess this is what happens some times. I'm sure the students are happy to have a day off. And I guess I am too ;-)

So this morning, Sam went to the doctor. Everything is great! 24 lbs, 8 oz. 32 1/2 inches tall (though I'm pretty sure that's not right -- I'm pretty sure he's shorter than that), Head Circumference 48.5 cm. Head is consistent in the percentiles, weight is now around the 50th percentile, and height spiked up to something like 75 but I'm pretty sure it's inflated and it seems every fraction of an inch means a lot in the land of percentiles. I got some good info about diet and nutrition, even if I've already heard it a million times.

BUT there was one concern... Sam is not yet talking. No first words. He has said "bye" for ages, so maybe that counts? But other than that, nada. Not mama, not dada. He has made lots of different sounds, da, ga, ba, ma, la, etc and sometimes links them together, but not consistently and not often to communicate. Usually his verbal communication is: "ga?" sometimes "ga? GA??". He sometimes seems like he's going or trying to say "dog" or "ball", but nothing really identifiable yet. So, doc seemed a little worried.

HOWEVER, he is signing up a storm! He knows signs for: baby, water, bath, eat, hungry, sleep, ball, play, apple, dog, cookie, and is learning to sign for help. He learned "apple" in one day. He understands SO much. When asked, he can show me where his head, toes, belly, ear, and nose are. He can find my nose and my ear. He can look behind when I ask him to. He can find the light when asked. He can hand me a toy when I ask. He will sit down when I ask. He will find his Dad, the dogs, the guitar -- just so many things. So he clearly has receptive language down and he's even expressive, just not spoken yet. It will come. Our doctor thinks so too. She really didn't express this as a big worry. Just said that "normally" children are speaking at this point, so if he doesn't have first words by 18 months, she might refer us to specialists who can offer suggestions and just make sure everything is ok. Both the doc & I are pretty sure those first words will come by then anyway.

In other updates:
I might have the gallery job after all. I got a call on it but it wasn't like "we're offering you the job" it was more like "we WANT to offer you the job" and I am expecting to hear back from them. I think I'll follow up with them later today or tomorrow. Weird.

We had a lovely visit with my Aunt Sally!

I'm too busy. Aaron is too busy. I feel like my work is suffering in all areas. But we're surviving. It's only temporary. I'm enjoying teaching, just prep for lecture class takes FOREVER. I have some great drawing students this term.

These days with Sam are the best. I LOVE this age. He is so much fun. Though I miss the days of him sleeping in my arms, we have so much fun playing together. He loves books now. He has favorites. Picks them off the shelf and brings them to us or takes them to the bed or couch for us to read to him. He is learning to get off the furniture "feet first". He is funny. Has a great sense of humor. Loves to play all sorts of games. Is really into blocks. Loves kicking and throwing balls. LOVES to be chased by his pull toys. LOVES cell phones and electronic gadgets. He's neat. Every night Aaron and I comment to each other about how fortunate we are and how great life seems now that we have Sam. Even though we're too tired and overworked, our little guy makes it all worthwhile.

Fall

2009-10-04T16:59:00.003-04:00

It is autumn! So nice! Weather is cool (sometimes cold) trees are changing, leaves are falling, we get to wear long sleeves. It feels nice.

I didn't get a call on Friday about the job, so that sounds like a big ol' no. I was pretty down on Friday but bounced right back on Saturday and am feeling ok about the rejection.

I am still super busy bouncing from one job to the next, but all in all they are going fine and I'm thankful that I'm only working full time until December. I seriously feel bad for working parents. It's hard to feel so divided from my son. I am not away from home THAT much, but I am away a significant part of each day and when I am home I usually have job stuff on my mind and my attention feels diverted. It's a terrible feeling. But I'm so grateful that I have more than a few hours each day hanging out with Sam. I really couldn't imagine getting off at 5 only to put him to bed at 8:00. So I'm glad I didn't get that full time library job. And I'm glad I didn't get the professor job in Indy. And I sorta think this job stuff is all working out the way it should. So maybe getting the gallery job wouldn't have been the right thing either. Who knows.

And finally: Some very fun autumn pics of the growing TODDLER!

Stuff

2009-09-28T21:01:00.002-04:00

Let's see. I'm still crazy busy. I'm working full time, really, with my three part-time jobs. Aaron is full time too, with school and teaching 1/2 time. We're so lucky Meg is next door and we can pay her to watch Sam. Even so, we basically constantly trade off all day long as one goes to work and the other watches Sam. This is not the ideal situation. I think I'm happier working outside of the home, but I'm not happier working THIS MUCH outside of the home. I'm exhausted. There is no time to catch up on sleep. When I'm with Sam my mind is split and I'm worried about keeping up with work. The dishes pile up, the dog fur piles up. Things are not ideal. But it's temporary.

On the plus side, I am liking teaching more. Community college is offering it's own unique challenges but I like it. My drawing classes at the university are going great, despite a few awkward demos here and there. The job at the library is good but a little awkward, since I'm not there much and it's a new position both for me and for the library. But I like it. I interviewed for yet another job last week. It's the part time gallery coordinator position at the art school. The one I applied for last year but didn't even get a call on. Well there are new people in charge and I learned some tricks about how to get the resume through HR so I did actually manage an interview. It went well and I think I stand a chance, but I no longer attempt to predict whether an offer will come. It's definitely as likely not to as it is to and I am trying not to think about it too much. The problem is it's a 20 hr/wk job with benefits and the month of July is off so in my head it starts to sound like the ideal solution. But in reality I know the department and I know the job and it is never like you picture in your head. So who knows. It's a national posting and I was the first of three candidates interviewed so I am certainly not expecting an offer. I should hear at the end of the week. If I don't get it, it's fine. I have the library job year-round and I will most likely be able to pick up an adjunct class at one of the schools.

Sam is doing great. He's so smart. So funny. Does new cool things everyday. He can now sign for: ball, hungry, baby, bath, dad, play...he has his own signs for dog (sticking his tongue way out and panting) and I'm sure some other things too. He now likes to dip back in the tub during bath time, with his head in the water. He seems to love how that feels, lying in the tub. He kicks his leg like he's swimming on his back. The water is of course very shallow and I'm holding him the whole time, but he seems to just love this sensation and it's so cute to watch him. He also likes it when I blow bubbles with the soap. Bath time is lots of fun for Sam. He seems to also like the change in weather, as it's moving to fall. I think he likes the wind. We shake our heads and laugh when the wind blows our hair around. He gets around fast now and can just sort of run in circles for quite a while and finds that very amusing.

I swear I'll clear off picasa and post some new pics.

By the way, have you heard about the family who had their kids taken away from child protective services because they had some photos printed of their kids during bathtime? Wow. I guess I better be super cautious about Sam bathtime pics. Sheesh.

Bad Blogger

2009-09-19T15:05:00.002-04:00

Sorry I've been too busy to blog. Also I still haven't cleared space on picasa to post new pics.

Sam is doing great though. He is learning sign language since he's still stuck on "ga". He can sign for ball, baby, and hungry! Working on bath and water now.

Quick update...

2009-09-09T15:38:00.002-04:00

Things are good. Busy. Started teaching Art Appreciation this week. I think it will be ok. I start at the library tomorrow. Oi.

Grandma and Grandpa Nemec visited last weekend and it was a really nice time.

I think Sam is getting sick. I'm nervous. There is so much worry about H1N1/swine flu going around. Eeek. And I know one of my students had it. Sam started being super upset and fussy last night and has a little runny nose today. He is still happy and playing like normal, so I dunno. I'll keep an eye out.

I ran out of room on Picasa so no pics today. But I will buy some storage or clean things out and send more your way...

Our Sweet Boy

2009-09-01T19:47:00.003-04:00

I love this video.

Today Sam showed me his head and his toes when I asked him.

His Grandma & Grandpa Nemec come to visit on Friday.

We're having fun.

Procrastinating...

2009-08-27T16:36:00.004-04:00

Putting off doing the dishes so I thought I'd share some more pics, and now that I have the google video thing working, I'll post some better Sam walking videos.

It's amazing to watch him walking on his own. I just watch in awe.

Random Observations:

He will sometimes go to sleep without us in his crib like a big boy. Wow.

He's a cuddler these days. Loves to snuggle and give hugs. So sweet.

Sometimes he talks or laughs in his sleep.

HE WALKS!!!

2009-08-24T15:26:00.004-04:00

So it seems we've hit a breakthrough! Sam has figured out that he can hold this little soccerball to help give him psychological comfort and a better balancing stance and he can walk!! Without holding on to Mom and Dad! Without holding on to furniture!
HE WALKS!!

See evidence here:

PLUS yesterday after battling and wasting time trying to get Sam to sleep, Aaron and I decided to give the crib another go. Some serious tears, and we had to wait by the crib for him to fall asleep, but he actually slept there! TODAY he has gone down for BOTH NAPS without a fuss. Who is this guy???

Our little man is growing up so fast.

Oh, and he sometimes even eats with a spoon! I mean, he holds the spoon and feeds himself!

See evidence here:

UPDATE:
Before I could get to posting this, Sam woke/cried/did not really fall asleep on his own. Now it's bedtime and he's trying to get to sleep on his own again. He's quiet. We'll see what happens in the next 10 or 20 minutes :)

Also, after initial writing, he walked on his own with out the crutch of the ball. It happens so fast!! It's so amazing. It's funny how this one milestone really seems to make you feel like your baby is now a toddler.

Now I'll try posting a video but for some reason the blogger video things never work for me...

Quick Job Updates

2009-08-20T22:48:00.003-04:00

I've wanted and tried to post but things have actually been too busy for me to find the time!!

I got a job offer out of the blue to work part time for the library (the one I'd turned down before but offered to work part time) so that's super cool. The pay ain't great, but heck, it's the public library. It's as Teen Services Coordinator. They are ordering me a laptop and cell phone and I get to develop this new outreach area of the library, working with local teens to create cultural events. So cool!

Consequently I have cut back to just one section at the community college so now I am doing: one class at the community college, two at the university, and then 10 hrs/wk at the library. Plus I am doing some volunteer design work for the local hands-on kids museum that is trying to reopen. I have a little too much on my plate right now. But it's temporary. Aaron and I have a complicated calendar now with blocks of time all over the place.

All I can say is thank God for Meg! So nice she's next door and is available to help us with Sam. So wonderful that we can leave him in good family hands when we both have to be away. This is still only like 10 hrs/wk when he is not in direct care of Mom or Dad and I still feel weird wondering whether I'm choosing work over time with him, but I may always feel conflicted because, well, that's how I am.

Also, the gallery director position is open again at the university. Several profs and people at school recommended me so we'll see if that goes anywhere. I can't do it right now, so that's a big issue, but it is a 20 hr/wk job with benefits and great experience. But recommendations do not an offer (or even interview) make so we'll take it one step at a time.

I'm very tired and should do dishes and go to bed. The semester starts Monday and I have 7:30 am classes. Eeek. I'm pretty well prepped but need to print my syllabi and still need to go over some lesson plan info.

13 months old

2009-08-10T12:44:00.002-04:00

Sam is 13 months old! I still marvel at how quickly the time moves. I don't know how much longer I will do monthly updates. Once we made it to the year marker I feel like a skills update post is silly to do every month. Yet I suppose each month still brings new skills and abilities, interests, sounds, and everything else.

At 13 months Sam still isn't walking unassisted, but he sure could if he wanted to. He just isn't ready to let go of our fingers. He will pull us around wherever he wants to go. I try to lead, but it's pointless because this kid is on a mission and he knows what he wants! I suppose that might be what parenting is -- thinking you'll get a chance to lead, but really you're just trying to keep up.

We're enjoying our summer days, playing in the water when we can, and exploring the outdoors.

Sam is speaking in sentences now, only all the words are "Ga". Gone are the days of "Gop" and "Gum", but now he uses inflection to make a "ga" series... "ga ga ga ga ga?" He really is learning about questions, raising the tone in the last ga as he points at something -- "dad will you take me to the window?" "mom, what is that over there?" He still says "bye" and other mamama sounds and dada sounds and such, but I don't know that we have anything that counts as a first word yet.

He makes other neat sounds. He puts his fingers to his lips and goes "shffhhpfhsh" because we play a game where dad and sam sneak up on mom or mom and sam sneak up on dad. He always giggles and gives it away, but he's got the "shh" idea down. He also does the "pfff" for the "woof" that a dog makes and a low toned "oooh" for the "moo" that a cow makes. he makes vrooom noises for his wheeled toys and airplanes.

He is rapidly getting a mouth full of teeth, the better for biting. Food and Mom and everything else. I had little tracks of bruises down my arm from his little baby bites. They hurt but are cute all at the same time. He bites more when nursing now too, I guess since the two big front teeth are coming in. Ouch.

We are starting to have to learn how to discipline, a stern No and such. He will sometimes pull my hair too hard, or stick his finger up my nose, or slap our faces as he tries to get our attention. Most of the time he is a calm, quiet, sweet, and precious fellow but the wild child is revealed every once in a while.

He is now more than ever aware of others and his audience. Will repeatedly do something cute that when we shower him with cute "awwws" and will repeat funny faces and movements. One super cute thing he does is lay down and put his head on a pillow, tummy to the ground, head to the side, arms up by his head, cute smile. It's adorable. He is also afraid of people he doesn't know now too. He doesn't like to be held by just anyone and won't necessarily take your hand or touch you if he doesn't remember who you are. I suppose that's a good thing but it is sort of sad since he's been afraid of some good friends of ours, even those that we saw every week or two.

In the other areas of our lives, we are still sad to see the summer go. The semester begins August 24th and it looks like I will be teaching four classes total -- that's a lot! So I'll be working full time but don't have to be away from home for much more than about 25 hours, so that's good. It will be busy and we are so glad to have Aunt Meg next door to help take care of Sam.

End of Summer.

2009-08-02T14:13:00.003-04:00

meow!

We are feeling the end of summer. The semester begins in just about three weeks. Eeeek. So we're trying to enjoy our free time while also trying to be as productive as possible before we get very busy.

This fall Aaron is in school full time and teaching two classes and I will be teaching a total of three classes. So we'll be busy. Meg will be helping watch Sam during our busiest days. I've been trying to get together my syllabi and assignments. Sometimes I'm really into this teaching stuff.

Also, I have a craft fair in Indianapolis coming up in October, and a solo show in November. So I need to be making stuff. I've started making baby and toddler hats. See one of my trial runs on Sam above. I like them! And they are super fast to make. A little derivative and not that unique, but cute and I think I can sell them at low price points because they don't take much labor. Most of all, though, they are fun and everything is fun if you have a cute little baby to put them on.

So, things are busy. But pretty good I guess. Here is Sam having fun on the playground.

OH: and walking update: He is not really ready to be walking on his own. He makes sure to grip our fingers tight so we can't slip them out of his little kung fu grip. It will come.

Talking update: He still hasn't said his first word, unless "Bye" counts. He does now try to make a "woof" sound that comes out "ppfooofff" and he also does a "shhh" with his finger to his mouth and that similar "pffff" noise when we are trying to be sneaky.

Working Mom

2009-07-29T18:08:00.002-04:00

So we're figuring out our schedules for the new academic term. I have agreed to adjunct at the community college, and I had applied and interviewed for an academic advisor job (part time). I SOOOO wanted that advisor job, figuring it was reliable year-round employment and could be a great stepping stone into a career path of education administration. BUT ALAS, no call (even though I thought the interview went quite well). Sigh. Well the university has come through with a couple of classes for me, but two different classes (meaning three course preps in total). This would definitely be full-time work. Oi. I have asked to see if I can do just one of those classes. So I'd be doing three classes total, two preps. I think we could make that work.

While I'm still struggling to identify the ultimate career path for me, I suppose I am stumbling forward on one nonetheless. And I feel fortunate to have the opportunities that I do. But as I sit here questioning how to balance motherhood and academia, my friend sends me this link to this book called Mama, PhD ... read an excerpt here. This book seems pretty cool and I just might have to seek it out, if not for comfort than to commiserate. For now I will continue to stumble forward, one semester at a time, while I hope for the occasional "a ha" moment.

Family and the Big Lake

2009-07-27T21:35:00.004-04:00

We went up to Michigan this weekend to see the family. My brother was in town (all the way from LA) visiting my dad, so we took the opportunity to get up there and see the whole crew. Sarah and Mike even were able to come up and join us! Saturday we walked, ate, and watched The Room (hmm). And Sunday we wanted to go to Lake Michigan but the weather prohibited such an outing. We had a nice time visiting indoors, and by evening managed to get in a walk and a nice dinner. Today, we left in the morning and stopped in Saugatuck/Douglas on the way home so that we could see the lake. Sam loved playing in the waves and the sand.

Please enjoy the photos from our lovely Michigan weekend!

Walking!

2009-07-23T21:51:00.002-04:00

Sam took his first steps tonight! We were having a good bye party for our dear friends Nick & Ashlea (who are moving next week, boohoo) and our friend Nate took Sam under the arms and said "Shall we do some unassisted walking" And he basically let go and he walked!! We kept doing it throughout the night, letting Sam walk from Mom to Dad, Dad to Mom, Mom to Aunt Meg, etc etc. Right before bed he took about seven consecutive steps! It has BEGUN!!

Also, as a super cute side note: This morning he woke, rolled over, gave his dad a kiss and then gave me a kiss. Ahhh, bliss.

so sweet.

2009-07-22T08:35:00.002-04:00

On a morning when Sam woke too early, couldn't sleep but wanted to, restlessly tossed and turned and cried until I nursed him, perhaps ever 20 minutes, I was pretty sure I was ready to start getting him to sleep in his crib. Then, once we finally agreed to simply get up, and we were still in bed, quietly playing and waking up, he crawled over to me and gave me a few kisses.

The documents the doctor sent home with us said that "sleep time is not bonding time, it's neutral time". I don't know. Maybe the actual sleep part is?? I'm not convinced. But the going to sleep and waking up is certainly bonding time. And if sleep time is not bonding time, then why do couples sleep together?

Happy Anniversary!

2009-07-21T12:25:00.005-04:00

Just a quick post to acknowledge that Aaron and I have been married for SEVEN YEARS!
Yesterday was our anniversary and we had a very nice time blueberry picking with Barb, taking a long wagon walk and playing with a fountain on campus, and then Juan babysat Sam while we went out for Indian food. We ended the night by picking up some bargain bin DVDs, ate ice cream, and watched a bad romantic movie that we'll promptly donate to the library. I love you, Aaron! So nice to share these days together, and so appropriate to share our anniversary with our son. He is the embodiment of our love and partnership and that may never cease to amaze me.

One Year Doc Updates!

2009-07-21T12:06:00.002-04:00

Sam is back from his one-year well-baby check up. He is doing great! Didn't get his vaccines because our doc told us of a cheaper (read: free) place to get them, but other than that she checked the normal stuff. He's a much smaller guy in some respects; here are the stats:

Weight: 23 lbs 12 oz (around 65%)
Height: 29.5 (don't remember -- maybe 35%?? kind of short)
Head: 48 cm (88%)

Doc said right now as he moves into toddlerdom he is finding his new percentile arcs to follow, so drops aren't anything to worry about.

Sam cried nearly the whole time. It ended up that we were there when he wanted to be taking his first nap, so he was on edge.

It is funny to me that at the doctor, questions from the nurses are posed in such a way as to suggest the assumption that we (as I suppose all other parents?) are using formula and taking our child to day care. I do not mean to suggest that either of those choices are bad choices, but it sort of makes me sad to think that they are indeed the more common or "normal" choices, or I suppose, situations. Though I'm ready to figure out how to cut back/out the nursing, I am so happy that I was able to nurse my son all these months, and I feel so very blessed to have been able to be home with him as much as I have.

Aaron and I are back to questioning sleep habits and are feeling like we should work to get Sam in his crib. It will be two weeks of rocky sleep and lots of crying, but it might ultimately be worth it? I'm sure we would/will both be sad to see the bed-sharing days end, but we both sort of feel like it's important for Sam to be able to sleep in his own bed. When the appropriate time is is always so unclear, I guess. For example, the literature the doc gave us said that if we are still bed sharing, we will probably share a bed until Sam is 3 or 4 years old. I think this is true, based on the stories other parents have shared with us. That doesn't seem like something we want. However, maybe that's actually a natural and healthy time and way for sleep habits to change? I don't know. We'll see. In some ways now seems like the best time to suffer through the two weeks of "sleep training" since we have time before the semester starts.

And for the semester: I guess I've confirmed and agreed to teach two classes at the community college this fall. I'm excited for it. I have that interview for the Academic Advisor position on Thursday. I would like to do both, if offered the second job, but then I'd be working full time. Hmmm. But the Academic Advisor job would be reliable and consistent and may even come with benefits. Hmmm. I could back out on teaching, but I don't want to do that and I would feel bad doing it. Well, once again, here I am worrying over what ifs when i do not even have an offer for the advisor job. So, I'll interview and take it from there. Hmmm.

Mothering.

2009-07-18T15:49:00.002-04:00

Let's see. I haven't rambled about various concerns, observations, changes, moods, and all of that stuff in a while, so I guess I will do so.

As I write, Sam is finishing (?) a MAMMOTH nap that I joined him for for the first TWO HOURS. This most certainly will make the rest of the day a mystery. So I guess I'll begin on the favored topic of sleep.

Our one-year-old sleeps in our bed, still, exclusively. We haven't done much as of late to change that. I talked with Aaron about it not long ago, and he still wants Sam in our bed. We both like it and so far it's most convenient. I still worry about the big What Ifs...what if we have a four year old in our bed, what if he never stops nursing... But we're going with the flow. For the most part it works smoothly. He wakes, we have breakfast, take a walk, play, and then nap. Wake, lunch, play, and then nap. Wake, dinner, play, bath, bed. It's a flexible schedule but it makes sense and keeps us happy and balanced. Sometimes I put him down to sleep, sometimes Aaron does. If Aaron does, he goes to sleep without the boob. If I do, he almost always pulls at my shirt to tell me he wants to nurse. We have learned to nurse at this time so I unfailingly let him nurse. It is not that I am anxious for this stage to end. It is not that I think it is bad or wrong or even weird to nurse beyond a year, but I once again get worried about the What If...what if he doesn't naturally wean on his own? I guess at some point it will be clear that it's time to stop and if it isn't happening on it's own I will simply need to enforce it. We already know that Sam can sleep without nursing first, and Aaron can often be the one to put him down he might not associate sleep with nursing. But really the thing about weaning, I see, is that I guess I need to wean myself as much as him. Hmm.

Other than that, Sam is developing so great. He's becoming such a kid. No, he's not walking yet, but that can't be far off. He has pretty much mastered the one-handed walk and has bravely attempted a few steps without holding onto anything, though it pretty much is a lunge and teeter into Mom or Dad. He's making lots of sounds but not yet talking. Still using "Gum" and "Gop" and pointing at things to let us know what he wants. He has a sort of whistle he does too and sometimes sounds like he's singing.

I am enjoying my summer and my time home with Sam, but sometimes I get into traps of feeling too lost and so I take it all for granted. Sometimes I am content with my primary self being Sam's Mom, and then other times I feel like if I just immerse myself in that I won't know who I am once he's older. I still am not sure where I want to put my energy during my "free time". Free time is few and far between unless you organize and schedule it in. An hour during a nap, a couple of hours before bed. Usually I spend those times wasting time on the Internet, doing chores, or napping with Sam. If I am rested and the house is somewhat clean and back in place, I have been doing some sewing and applying for jobs. I have some courses to teach at the community college in the fall. The pay is minimal and it is kind of a far drive from our house, but I think the experience teaching for a different school, a different TYPE of school, and a different kind of class (lecture, not studio) is an important experience in figuring out whether I actually want to teach afterall. I also have an interview next week for a part-time academic advising position at the same school. I am excited about that prospect. 20 hrs/wk, reliable pay, and potentially a field I would really enjoy. The interview is with a committee of eight people though -- intimidating!!

I think that coffee make me depressed. I thought at first it was the crash after coming down from the caffeine but then I had some decaf the other day and I think it may have had the same result. I'll have to do some research on that.

After becoming a mom I pretty much gave myself a get out of jail free card when it came to diet and exercise. I was pleased that I got back into my pre-pregnancy jeans after about four months, and while I was teaching last semester I think I lost even more. This summer, though, the weight is coming back on since I'm home munching all day. I think issues of body image are so interesting in relation to motherhood. While pregnant and feeling like a whale, I looked at pictures of my pre-preg self and said that if I ever got to that size again I could never complain of being fat. That worked for a while. But now that my body is becoming more and more my own again, no longer a body shared between myself and my son, I am back to feeling a need to be skinnier and more beautiful. Sigh. I wish my motivation was just to be happy and healthy! But this after-baby muffin top is really a force to be reckoned with. I'm trying half-heartedly to eat better and exercise, but it's definitely a matter of baby steps.

Today, Meg, Juan, Sam and I went for a walk and played at the nearby playground. Sam loved going down the slides (held by an adult, of course). He is a happy guy. He laughs all the time. One funny thing he started doing is blowing raspberries on me. I would blow a raspberry on his little tummy and then he'd crack up and charge me and pull up my shirt and blow a raspberry on my stomach. What a goof ball.

Year One.

2009-07-10T08:26:00.007-04:00

It's hard to believe that Sam is already one year old. Wow. Seriously, where did this year go?

A year ago at this time, I was in the hospital already laboring away.

At 4:55 pm our little boy was born. This picture is from the day after, though. Sam had just been named and we were probably listening to Sam Cooke.

I cannot imagine what my life would be like without my son, but I suppose I don't often try. Sam fills my life with such joy and purpose.

At one year, Sam is not yet walking, but he sure is working on it. He does not like to sit still. He crawls like crazy, pulls himself to a stand whenever he can, and cruises around the furniture as much as possible, always reaching up for a hand when he needs it. I remember talking to another mom when Sam was maybe five months old, sitting peacefully in my arms, and she commented on how her toddler was so "slippery" now. Now I know what she means. Sometimes he is happy to sit on my hip, but not for long. Pretty soon he flexes his legs and locks his knees and pushes out from me -- he wants to get down and explore things for himself.

Sam makes all kinds of noises and sounds but no clear words. I still don't know if when he says "mom" and "mama" if he is associating those sounds with me or not. He does "dada" too. He definitely knows "bah" is good bye.

He is working on three new teeth, for a total of six.

He likes feeding himself so much now that sometimes he gets mad and won't eat from an offered spoon. We are transitioning away from purees.

He is still breastfeeding. Not sure how to wean exactly, but I'm starting with not offering it. He asks now by pulling down my shirt, but sometimes it seems he asks only because he is tired and wants to take a nap and he associates nursing with sleep. But Aaron has been putting him to nap or to bed and he goes down with little difficulty. We still co-sleep, so I still find myself nursing when he wakes at night, sometimes as many as three times. Well, one step at a time I guess.

People always comment on how happy Sam is, and I guess I must agree. Rarely does he cry and fuss. He is so eager to discover the world around him that he's often happiest when around new people and in new environments. This is not to say he does not cry or get unhappy, because he certainly gets uncomfortable or upset, but he's a pretty easy-going guy, and I'm thankful for it.

Sam's Grandpa E. and Aunt Sarah E. are here visiting for the weekend, so pics will be coming soon of gifts and cake and other fun times.

We love you, Sam.

Fifth of July Cookout!

2009-07-06T09:30:00.002-04:00

So the weather was lousy on the fourth, so we did our fourth of July cookout on the fifth! Complete with firepit corn ala Aaron (soooo good!) authentic arrepas from Juan, I did fried chicken, Meg made yummy festive potato salad...it was a good 'n' tasty time.

We had a nice visit with Ann Arbor Stephanie and she helped us out babysitting while we were doing food prep. So good to see you Stephanie! Her visit revolved a lot around food, but well, so does our life, so... Anyway it was a nice visit and now we're back to the working week, though none of us are working so it's like permanent weekend so that's fun. More whining and rambling about career stuff is sure to come, but this week we'll probably do a lot of hanging out, some art stuff, and prep for the big day -- Sam will be ONE YEAR OLD next weekend! WOW!

Sam's First Fourth of July!

2009-07-05T13:04:00.002-04:00

Sam celebrated his first fourth of July! Complete with staying up too late and watching the fireworks. Not quite sure what he thought of them....

I made another wacky cake though. This time with buttercream icing ('meh) and fondant stars. It was ok. Our friend Esteban said it was like a big soft oreo cookie ('cause it's chocolate cake) -- I think that's a good description.

Fireworks.

And Sam's grandpa sent him a wagon for his birthday. What fun!

Things are going well. Sam is still working on those teeth. Stephanie (of No Pickles, Please!) is visiting and that's fun. Will try to get some better pics of her and the boy before she leaves!

Yes, Michigan!

2009-06-29T12:31:00.004-04:00

We got up to Michigan this weekend to visit Aaron's brother's family and stop in BR to empty a storage unit we still had and let Sam see his grandpa.

It was a good trip, but we had car trouble. I think I'd simply jinxed myself earlier in the week by saying our very old Toyota Corolla was still reliable. BUT no car payments, so I figure a repair every year on our 1990 vehicle (handed down from Aaron's grandma) is nothing to can complain about. We made it to Zeeland, where Aaron's brother lives, and discovered a leak. Seemed like gasoline. So, we stayed the night in Zeeland, instead of heading to Silver Lake. We moved the car from the inclined drive way and parked it in the level parking lot across the street. Hmm, no leak. Still, we didn't want to drive it without knowing what was going on so we got it into the shop right away Saturday morning. There was no visible leak that morning either, and they checked it out and found no leak in the fuel line, BUT did find that some wheel cylinder had ruptured and could be leaking brake fluid and the rear brakes needed to be replaced. And since the brake light had just started to go on, this seemed to all make sense. They were able to do the repairs while we all went up to Silver Lake.

Once we got ot Silver Lake, Steve (Aaron's bro), Sam, Aaron, Asha (one of Steve's kids) and I all went to Big Rapids to begin unloading the storage unit, and they dropped Sam and I off to have lunch with my dad and meet his new friend, Judith. We had a nice lunch, ice cream at Dairy Queen, and a walk over to Hemlock Park. It took them longer at the storage unit than we expected, but Sam, Dad, Judith, and I had a nice time sitting in the shade and enjoying the breeze.

Then we finally got back to Silver Lake for burgers and a fire. The next day Steve and Aaron went BACK to BR to gather a second load of stuff from the storage unit, but Sam and I stayed. Glad we did because we got to take Sam to the beach to play in the lake and sand. He has never even played in a sand box and he sure had fun!

And before we knew it we were heading back to West Lafayette.

Sam had started cutting his fourth tooth before we left and now he's working on one of his two front teeth! So fun!

Time for pics!!

Cake Fun

2009-06-21T14:19:00.004-04:00

The fondant worked! It was a mess, but it worked!!

The cake turned out pretty wacky looking since I didn't have a plan.

Aaron and I tried it today and sure enough, the icing didn't taste great. But I'm not big on marshmallows or confectioners sugar, so a chewy coating of those two ingredients is not my favorite. I think that my next cake experiment will use a regular soft kind of frosting with fondant decorations/accents. Dunno if the textures will be too weird that way, but it's worth a shot. Aaron and I did end up peeling the fondant off like an unwanted fruit peel -- not necessarily something you want in a cake!

too many pictures

2009-06-18T16:20:00.003-04:00

He's funny. He's determined. He's becoming a kid.

Sleep. Again.

2009-06-17T11:59:00.005-04:00

So this morning I decided I would try getting him to sleep in his crib. Ha.

So I moved his crib over by the twin bed in "Sam's room". I took out the box spring so the twin bed mattress and the crib mattress were about at the same level. I laid down with him for a while in the twin bed at nap time, offered to nurse, but he wasn't having it. Wanted to play in his "new" environment. So we played for a bit, and then I put him in his crib. I tried to show him my brilliant arrangement where we could lay side by side with the crib bars between us. He wasn't interested. Quickly rolled over and propped himself up, pulled to a stand, and that was that. So I left him to play on his own. The crying quickly commenced. I let him cry a bit, then went in to comfort him. Tried laying him down in his crib, but again, he just played. So basically I went into a really poor attempt at a fake Ferber method. But my usual weakness came shining through -- inconsistency. Sometimes I would try picking him up and laying him in the bed next to me, sometimes I tried nursing. I tried singing, etc. But he just wouldn't have any of it. After about an HOUR I took him out of his crib again, and nursed him, and he seemed to relax. But then resumed playing. So, I put him back in his crib and he then resumed crying. Oi. Meanwhile I read this article:
http://www.sheknows.com/articles/1988.htm

The truth is, I'm more of a Sears parent even though I think I should be (want to be?) more of a Ferber parent.

So, I scooped up my little guy, took him to our bed, and he promptly relaxed and fell asleep. I snuck out of bed, installed the pillow walls, complete with the jingle alarm system, and here I am, back at square one.

Maybe I need to stop fighting my nature. Or maybe I need to stay strong and stick by rules and regulations even when the going gets tough. I dunno.

I guess we're all sleeping. I should just ditch the bedframe (and box spring?) and put the mattress on teh floor and then I wouldn't have to do these silly walls and jump everytime I think I hear a sound. Of course, then the dogs would attempt to claim the bed more than they already do.

Hmm

a little less conversation, a little more action

2009-06-16T22:11:00.002-04:00

i'm feeling a little better, with special thanks to some conversations with a couple of friends who have been in similar frames of mind post grad school. i think i'm feeling better about not trying to discover some amazing path-to-success life plan, and just am feeling more content taking it step by step (ooh bab-eee, gonna get to you girrrrrl).

and what comes with this change of heart?? productivity!! amazing! i've started sewing my new version of plush nesting toys (mumlors). felt really good to put off doing the dishes and get making stuff. i will post pics soon.

other projects that still need tending to:

astro baby shirts ... i have done rough text for sun, moon, and rising sign and will get back to designs soon. i registered an etsy shop but nothing is there yet. i still need to make a logo.

i registered an etsy shop for the mumlors too. once i make more i'll get that shop going.

i'm doing some vector illustrations of the mumlors and olympians for my upcoming show in november.

fondant icing -- ok maybe not at all a "professional" ambition but i still want to try it out...

in SAM news:
i think it's time to start working on getting him out of our bed. i think i'll get the ferber sleep book from the library and give it a read. right now sam seems dependent on night time feeding, pacifier, AND cuddling to get to sleep. even if we're ok with that for a number of months to come, i feel the need for an exit strategy. gonna move the crib back into our room. we moved it out when sam was about four month's old per the doc's suggestion, but it sort of seems like that was what led to him always in our bed instead of sometimes in our bed. i think i will try positioning the crib like a co-sleeper thing, right next to the bed, so we can still be close, but then we can forego the absolutely ridiculous booby trapped pillow fort we install whenever he is sleeping in our bed (pillow walls with jingly/noisy toys on top so we can delay his actions and get to him before he crawls off the bed).

question for you moms out there: how did you stop night nursing? or did it eventually just come to an end? when did you wean? did you lead it or did you let your child decide?

Pablito!

2009-06-14T22:53:00.002-04:00

Sam met his friend Pablo for the first time today! Pablo is the nephew of our good friend Esteban. We went over to visit Pablo's parents, Jose & Maria, to give them some of the baby things Sam has outgrown. Pablo is three months and such a happy sweet little guy! So glad to meet him! He smiles a lot and seems very at peace.

It's so amazing how fast the time moves. I can barely imagine what it was like when Sam was three months old. These kids just grow up so fast!!

INFP "QUESTOR"

2009-06-14T11:25:00.002-04:00

Feeling extra lost and moody these days. Took a Career Test online (http://www.careertest.net/cgi-bin/q.pl). Here are my results:

INFP (introvert, intuition, feeling, perceiving)

Personality type results

EI: 9 out of 17
Extrovert |-------------------------------------------------| Introvert
                                  |
                                 52%
SN: 12 out of 17
Sensation |-------------------------------------------------| iNtuition
                                           |
                                          70%
TF: 10 out of 17
Thinking  |-------------------------------------------------| Feeling
                                     |
                                    58%
JP: 10 out of 17
Judging   |-------------------------------------------------| Perceiving
                                     |
                                    58%


Description:

INFP's feel internal turmoil when they find
themselves in situations in which there is conflict between their inner
code of ethics and their relationships with others. They feel caught
between pleasing others and maintaining their own integrity. Their
natural tendency to identify with others, compounded with their
self-sacrificial dispositions, tends to leave them confused as to who
they really are. Their quiet personalities further feeds their feelings
of depersonalization. The INFP's quest for self-identity then seems
even more alluring — but increasingly impossible to attain.

                        

As with all NFs, the INFP will feel lost and perplexed at stressful
times. As stress builds, INFP's become disconnected from their own
personality and perceived place in life. They will lose sight of who
they are in relation to time and place. They may not make basic
observations, while instead they will focus on the more abstract and
symbolic meanings of a particular interaction. This can sometimes
baffle those who expect more direct communication and a fairly concrete
relationship.

Careers

This lists represent careers and jobs people of your type tend to enjoy doing. The job requirements are similar to the personality tendencies of your personality type. It is important to remember that this is not a list of all the jobs possible. And it is very important to remember that people can, and frequently do, fill jobs that are dissimilar to their personality... this happens all the time...and sometimes works out quite well.

information-graphics...designer
college professor
researcher
legal mediator
social worker
holistic health...practitioner
occupational therapist
diversity manager
human resource...development specialist
employment development...specialist
minister/priest/rabbi
missionary
psychologist
writer/poet/novelist
journalist
editor/art director
organizational development...specialist

Visit with Aunt Sarah N!

2009-06-11T20:21:00.003-04:00

Sam's Aunt Sarah N. had a brief visit on her way from Texas to Ohio. She is as traveling physical therapist so she's on the go a lot. We are often a fairly convenient stopping point (Indiana -- crossroads of america!) so that's neat.

Here are some images from her visit.

Today has been pretty lazy. I'm a bit moody and maybe I'll write another post to whine and complain and what not. Sam is taking an extra long evening nap, so I don't know what that will mean about bed time. Meg and I made a really good and really cheesy Soyrizo lasagna (yumm), so I'm sitting in front of the computer stuffed and contemplating whether I have the energy to go wash dishes. Meg, Sam, and I did get out for a walk earlier, and though the forecast (thank you weather.com) said there was 0% chance of rain during the time of our walk, a thunderstorm rolled on in and we had to run back with Sam in the stroller. Luckily Sam thought it was great fun and he giggled and laughed the whole way back while Meg and I tried to run in flip-flops.

Goofing around with Aunt Sarah (N)

Phoning Home

Learning to Walk

Reading his favorite barnyard flipbook (yes he has more than one)

Dinner last night at McGraw's (honey mustard salmon for me, pork chop for Aaron)

Sam is usually a jolly goof ball when we go out to eat.

Brother and Sister

11 Months Old!

2009-06-10T17:14:00.003-04:00

Sam is embarking on his twelfth month of life!!
At 11 months old Sam:

Crawls all around, mostly on hands and knees, sometimes still on his tummy. He's fast, too.
Loves to "cruise" and is always pulling himself up to a stand and walking around the furniture. He also has a walker toy that Aaron calls his "lawnmower" and he likes to use that to walk around too. He often cruises along a piece of furniture, stops mid-way and holds his arm up for me to come grab his hand and walk with him.
Has three teeth, and seems to be working on his fourth.
Sleeps well for a week or two, then poorly for a week or so. Still attributing this to teething.
Sleeps exclusively in our bed. Yup.
Has a schedule! And if it is disrupted things get pretty rocky.
Points at things to tell me what he wants.
Waves hello and goodbye and says "bah" for bye.
Can find your nose if you ask him to.
Has a new word that is between "gum" and "gup" that we first thought was him trying to say "dog" but he uses it for many things. It's a very versatile word.
Loves to eat. He loves Cheerios and cheese and bread.
Loves water, including bath time and playing in his wading pool, and playing in the fountains on campus.
Does the "mom dive" which makes me feel super special. Sometimes when someone else is holding him and I come and stand next to them, he dives for me. Aaron labeled it the mom dive.
The aforementioned mom dive is important to me because he also has figured out how to push away from me while I'm holding him, letting me know he wants to get down on the ground and do things himself.
Loves playing with wooden hammers (has several for various toys like a xylophone).
Likes to throw things.
Is becoming more like a kid and less like a baby everyday.

And it just so happens that Sam was baptized in the church of his paternal family today, too, on his 11 month birthday. He did really well though did get a little scared when the stranger (Pastor) put the water on his head. Aaron and I are not members of the church so his Aunt Sarah Nemec is his sponsor. Here she is holding her nephew (his Aunt Meg is pictured with us too, since she witnessed the baptism also).

12:30 Saturday night

2009-06-07T00:38:00.002-04:00

So today was a lovely day -- went out to breakfast, went to some garage sales, hung out with the family. But Sam's schedule got off, and now that we have a schedule, when we get OFF schedule everything gets crazy. Meaning, a crazy tired hyper boy who is a lot of fun but stressful too. So he missed his morning nap, took a long nap at his normally shorter second nap time. Kind of missed his solid food dinner, took a bath, got into his pjs, would NOT sleep. So he crawled around on hands and knees (which he does wonderfully now) like a maniac, switching from sit, crawl, stand and fell over a few times. I tried again to get him to sleep -- no dice -- so I let him crawl around again. He totally bumped his head on the desk drawer handle, leaving a mark and a paranoid mom (sam cried for a brief moment, and is totally normal), and then we had some solid foods, a little tylenol, and he fell right asleep (pretty much). Oi.

So then I got my time, as my time begins when he goes to bed. I really have wanted to try messing with fondant icing and making fancy cakes, so I thought I would try it for Sam's first B-day. Ok, so it wouldn't be the cake he ate probably, but still sounded like a fun project. I found directions to make a marshmallow fondant online and got my marshmallows, Crisco, and confectioners sugar. Since Sam didn't get to bed until nearly 11 (!!) I didn't begin my project until LATE. I don't have a microwave so I double-boiled the marshmallows. I greased up my table surface. Now, I had bought a great big new thing of Crisco (and I never use Crisco) but found some open Crisco in my cupboard that had not expired, so I used that. After my marshmallows melt and I have my hands slathered in crisco and I'm kneading all this crazy sugar goo into a dough I think "hmm, something smells funny". Too late now! I continue my wacky dough-making and pack it up and put it away. I do a little googling and sure enough, I bet my Crisco had gone bad. So I had my table, hands, and icing slathered in rancid vegetable fat. Yummy. Guess I get to toss out the bag of marshmallows, confectioners sugar, and hour of work. Well, at least I now know what it's like to knead sugar into dough. I'll have to get some more and try again soon. Wish me luck.

My hands still smell funny from the bad Crisco. Yuck.

what's up

2009-05-31T23:01:00.004-04:00

Just felt like rambling, so here's a rambling post...

Sam is growing up faster and faster. In size he's relatively the same. Still big and round but not growing at the fast pace he had been. His feet are getting bigger though, which is good since he will have to stand and walk at some point. He now can move around the living room, holding on to the furniture, and when he gets to the end he raises his arm for me to come get him. It's cute. Tonight he also started trying to push up to his feet in the middle of the floor doing this tabletop sort of move, so that's funny. He has toppled over a couple of times, but nothing serious yet. He is always on the go. He walks on his tip-toes. I think maybe because he started walking in this walker where he could only touch the ground with his toes. Hopefully that won't make walking too hard for him.

I am so much more appreciative of my stay-at-home-mom status than I had been before my teaching job. Of course, I am more comfortable being a mom now so it's a little easier I guess. My days are very much housewife/mother stuff. I take care of Sam, I do laundry, dishes, sweep...There are more chores I should get to though and right now there are dishes and laundry that could be done... Sam and I have definitely found our rhythms and it's funny how much easier it is when you have a schedule. Of course, our schedule is easily disrupted if we don't get to nap time on time. If we don't start his nap on time, he probably won't nap, and then night sleep is thrown off and the next day is off and all of that. So even if we have a schedule I have to remain flexible. But I'm less complainy because I'm just happy to be able to do what I want to do -- be home with my son.

I still worry, of course. Oh, about everything I guess. Some thoughts currently in my head:

I don't know how to wean him. I don't know when to wean him. He is coming up on a year. I never thought I would nurse longer than that. But now I don't know. I suppose I will stop daytime nursing. Stopping nighttime nursing sounds hard though. I think most of my readers nursed beyond the year mark, right? Any thoughts? Of course I do resort to the boob as means of calming pretty quickly simply because I know it works...there may be plenty of other ways to lull the guy into a sleepy state and calm midnight wakes....

Birthday cake. Anybody have any good baby's first birthday cake recipes?? I'm not all that uptight about the guy having sugar, but I'm sure there's a healthier in-between and I know some of you are definite foodies...

And of course I still just don't know what to do in my professional life. The thing is, this whole mom thing is pretty all-encompassing. Right now, I don't feel a need to pursue a career to make my days meaningful or interesting. Really, paid employment feels just like that -- a means of getting paid. However, I don't want work to be just that. I want it to be more. And I absolutely hate that I'm still dealing with this at the cusp of 30. I don't think I have the drive and motivation (dare I say skill, talent, ability) to gain financially from my artwork, and that doesn't really bother me since I don't really care about my art right now. Really, right now I'm just pretty into being a mom. In the next couple of weeks I'm going to an info session about the nursing program at the local community college. I know it's not a great profession to pursue just because of practicality, but I figure a little more information can't hurt.

Oh, and I told myself that once I lost my pregnancy weight I wasn't allowed to think of myself as fat. But, I'm feeling extra blubbery these days. Pregnancy has definitely left me with a little extra in the love-handle/muffin-top region, and I do indeed have a tummy, though I always have. But really, I'm eating tons of sweets and since I'm home all the time I'm munching all the time, and I'm not getting enough exercise...if I get myself doing that stuff I'd probably feel better all around. In general, though, becoming a mom has done wonders for my body image. Even if my body is not all it could be, I am so much more forgiving of it. So that's cool.

Well, I guess I'll end here. Oh, here are some pics of more summer fun stuff...

Memorial Day Weekend

2009-05-26T14:15:00.003-04:00

Not much to say, really! Things are going well. Sam has officially cut his third tooth. An upper incisor, but not one of the center ones -- the one to the right. Anyway, it has definitely made for some fussy moments and difficult sleep, but things aren't bad. Really, since I'm with him 24/7 the sleep is much more under control, though he does still have his rough moments. But generally, we have a schedule!! He wakes around 8:30, we have breakfast and play. Then around 10:30 he naps for two hours. Then around 3 or 4 he takes another nap for about an hour. Then he goes to bed around 9:30. His waking at night in general is not too bad, unless the teeth are really getting to him. Also, some days have been really hot and I think that makes for difficult sleep too. He wakes up with a sweat spot on the sheets!! Poor baby! He seems to just run hot. Some say teething brings a little fever so maybe that's happening too. I should note that we really don't even try to get him to sleep in his crib these days. It's co-sleeping/sleep sharing all the way. Think what you will, but right now it's the most successful arrangement we've found.

Aaron is working 35 hrs/wk and Sam and I play, sleep, eat, and clean during the day. I haven't gotten into too many of my projects, but I did start a blurb baby book for sam (www.blurb.com) which I can't help devoting too much of my time to. I have started working on text for the astro shirts, and I have also started plans for my new edition of Mumlors. But I haven't started making things.

Memorial Day weekend was nice though. Lots of family time for Aaron, Sam, and I. The weather was great, if a little hot, but we did get Sam a wading pool. Sam thinks water is so much fun!

Saturday

2009-05-23T20:46:00.002-04:00

It's hot and humid already here in Indiana. Today we went to the park so Sam could play in the fountains. It was packed with kids, but Sam had fun playing in the water. He's transforming into a child before my very eyes. It's amazing.

New Sam facts:
He can pull himself to a stand now! And now he does it ALL the time. Whenever he can.
One of his top incisors has broken through, just a tiny bit, so we still have some more fussiness to come.

Question for you other moms out there:
So i know that when babies are teething they tend to bite when nursing. BUT do other babies think it's a joke?? Mine seems to take a fairly gentle bite and look up at me with an impish smile and when I say "no" or "ow" he does a little giggle. Is that weird???

Summer of Fun Has Begun

2009-05-21T16:46:00.004-04:00

It seems summer has begun! Temps in the mid 80s, sunshine, and fun abound. I'm so thankful to have these days home with Sam. Sam has discovered the fun of the hose!! He thinks it's really neat. I have to watch out though, or he'll grab it and shove the end of it in his mouth. Yikes! The garden is doing well, we are already enjoying some lettuce and herbs and have blossoms on our tomatoes. I still have a few plants I need to get in the ground.

Not a lot of news. Aaron is working at the archives. He's not thrilled to be back at a 9-5 but it could definitely be worse. I'm still contemplating what to do with the career-portion of my life. My visit to see Sarah in Ann Arbor makes me want to move there. To do that I'd need a job. To get a job, what do I do? I'm back to thinking about nursing. I wish I wouldn't change my mind every other week.

Some pics of our summer fun:

Sam is very determined. He doesn't like the feeling of grass on his skin, but to get to the hose or that jug of water, he will crawl on hands and knees through the grass.

Discovering the joys of puddles and dirt.

Spring Fling is serious business.

Spring Fling!

What's in the veggie lunch, Stephanie??

Ann Arbor!

2009-05-17T18:23:00.005-04:00

Dad & Sam outside Mike & Sarah's new house.

We went to Ann Arbor! It was a great trip! Long and short at the same time. Sam did pretty well in the car. On the way there, things were easy until the last hour or so, when he was exhausted but just couldn't sleep in the car. He finally started to doze about 10 minutes before we got to town. Then he was up and wild for the evening where we had a nice bbq (despite the rain) and got to see lots of family and friends. Thanks to everyone who came to see us and Sarah & Mike's new house!! After most of the guests left, I put Sam to sleep and he was out like a light. He slept pretty well that night too, despite air mattress deflation and other normal sleeping-in-someone-else's-house disturbances. Saturday was a fun family day, breakfast with some friends and then wandered around campus reminiscing. Went to dinner at Zingerman's Roadhouse where Sam wowed the table with his excellent table manners. That night sleep was much rougher. A little trouble getting to bed, but once I we got serious about it (dark room, I laid with him until he slept, he was out with ease). But he woke frequently and could not get comfy and could not sleep. Ended up on the couch, fairly upright, while we slept for very short intervals. He was up and at 'em before 7. Ugh. The start of the return drive he slept a bit, then was up and cranky, but he finally fell asleep and slept for more than two hours in the car. Phew! We did it! Traveling with a little one creates a whole different experience.

But again, it was a good time. Mike & Sarah's new house is great. I am so happy for them. There is a lot of space, it's really comfy, and the yard is beautiful. Congrats, guys! And thanks for having us!

AND right before we left home, Sam took his first hands & knees tummy-off-the-floor crawl!! Wow Sam! He really knows how to put on a good show for the family! Maybe they will come visit us sometime soon since now they know what they are missing, heh heh.

Mom and Dad.

Sam, Sarah, Mike, & Maggie playing in the living room.

Dad giving Sam a back massage with his toy plane.

The guys walking outside of the new art museum on campus.

Dad & Sam outside Tappan Hall -- Mom & Dad both had art history classes there.

The Law Quad.

Strollin'

Breakfast (Sam met Rachel!)

Sam and my cousin Alice...so that makes Alice Sam's what? First Cousin once removed?? I can't remember.

Sam & Grandpa

The guys trying to repair stuff.

Sam & Grandpa

Sam saying that he wants to play with my new camera.

New Camera!

2009-05-14T11:47:00.004-04:00

I got one!! A Canon powershot elph sd790 is. I think I like it!